I lay in my bed for hours. Just sitting. Listening. Staring at nothing but hearing everything. My dark room, with my blackout curtains and plain walls. Listening to the noise and constant eruption. But surrounding me, on the outside, is taintless, inaudible music. No, this noise is for no one else to hear but me. My personal noise, my personal feelings, and my personal thoughts. Except they aren’t my personal thoughts, but the thoughts I seem to think of every second of everyday. That’s all I hear and all there is.
I don’t cry anymore or even get mad. I just am. I’m just here.“It’s all in my head” I tell myself everyday. And still, everytime I say that I never seem to believe it. But I always go back, like an addiction. I can’t quit. I won’t quit. My eyes bloodshot and my dark circles getting darker. Just sitting. Listening. My clothes are still the same from yesterday and I haven’t eaten in days. But all I need is to listen. None of my techniques will work. I try counting and breathing but I can’t think anymore. I can only feel the goosebumps trailing my arms and legs. I feel my mouth get dry and tongue go numb. I feel sweat dripping from my forehead. My vision goes black but I’m still conscious. The anxiety rushing through my veins.I can’t even tell if I’m hot or cold. I don’t need to stand up to know my legs don’t work.
I’m not me anymore. All my sense of anything has vanished and I don’t remember what I used to. The voices eating me from the inside out. Overtaking and controlling my thoughts and movements. The noise getting louder and louder. My hands start shaking and my heart beats faster and faster. I try moving my arms but I can’t feel anything. I feel a void, a void with nothing in it. A void where only I get to be and only me and my voices know about. I’m screaming. Why am I screaming? Screaming because I don’t mean anything. I’m nothing. I’m nothing to 8 billion people. I’m just there. I don’t make a difference. People don’t see me because I’m not someone they want to see. I’m screaming because I’m gone. I’m so lonely and I can’t even keep myself company because I don’t know who I am. I’m not the person I thought I was or if I am even a person. I dont know what I’m going to be. I don’t even know if I even will be something because I’m just a nothing. So all I do is sit and listen. Listening to them tell me I don’t matter. I don’t belong. I have no one. I’m not the person I tell myself I am. I lie to protect myself and I don’t care about anyone else. Every kind of self-doubt passed through me. I’m giving up and my voices engulf me. Taking every part of me with them. Just sitting. Listening.