When I first noticed that my boyfriend was talking to himself, I didn’t think much of it. Even I do it sometimes. I think most people do. He would do it so quietly I can’t even say for how long it had been going on. Maybe he had always done it. His lips moved rapidly, and his voice was barely a whisper so for a while I thought he might be quietly humming.
He would look down while doing it, while scrolling his phone, or doing chores around the house. Maybe it was a compulsion. Like a tic or even Tourette’s and I was trying to think of the kindest way to bring it up without it seeming like I was judging him.
It all came to a head on Saturday. I was in the living room mindlessly scrolling on my phone while David was in the kitchen making us some food.
Suddenly he ran into the room and stopped at my feet with a wild look in his eye.
“Stop it!” he did not scream but his voice was raised, like he was disciplining an unruly child.
I dropped my phone on my face because I wasn’t expecting him to bark a command at me like that.
“What? What I’m not doing anything,” I snapped back, I had no idea why he was reprimanding me for being on my phone.
But his eyes weren’t directed at me, he was looking directly behind me at something over my shoulder. I glanced back but nothing was there. I kept looking between my boyfriend and the empty space behind me trying to make sense of what was happening.
He blinked rapidly and looked down at me, he seemed agitated.
“I’m sorry,” he shook his head and rubbed his temples.
“I thought I saw something behind you,” he answered slowly, still shaking his head.
I sat up and snapped at him.
“And what was it? There’s nothing there? You scared me running in here like that,” I admonished him.
He kept shaking his head and backed away into the kitchen. I went back to scrolling on my phone. But I kept shooting glances at David and back behind me. It had spooked me. For the rest of the morning his whole mood seemed off. He was jumpy and he kept fidgeting with his hands, something he only does when he’s upset.
As noon rolled around, I suggested getting out of the apartment and getting lunch somewhere. David quickly agreed. Getting out of the house did us both good. It seemed to calm him down and I was getting cabin fever being stuck inside for so long. Walking back to the apartment we were holding hands, and I was leaning into him.
“So, are you okay? You seemed so jumpy this morning. Do you think you saw a shadow or something?” I asked, trying to keep everything light.
He looked at me cautiously, as if he was weighing what he was about to say.
“I think you’re right; I think I saw a shadow or something. Or maybe I was still dreaming,” he smiled but the smile did not reach his eyes.
I decided to drop it. I honestly thought he was embarrassed. He had gotten scared over nothing and was worried about my reaction.
That night I woke up to the sound of David talking. He was whispering but the gentle drone of his voice had woken me up. I lay there listening, I had no intention of getting up or saying anything to him while I was still half awake. Once he stopped mumbling to himself, I would go back to sleep.
During the day I could never make out what he was saying, but tonight I could hear him clearly even though it was just above a whisper.
“I’m not going to do that to her. And you’re not allowed to touch her either. You promised me. You promised me that this time would be different,” his whispers were harsh and insistent.
I almost said something. At this point I thought he might not even be awake, maybe he was talking in his sleep. That’s when I heard a voice answering him.
It was distinct and separate. My heart started pounding even as I tried to rationalize what I was hearing. This new voice, lower and softer than Davids wasn’t like anything I had heard before. I couldn’t make out the words just the tone of it as it spoke. I couldn’t tell if it was male or female. But it sounded angry.
David shifted in the bed and reached over to touch my back. I didn’t move, just lay there still pretending to be asleep.
“You’re wrong. She’s still sleeping. She can’t hear anything we’re saying,” David rasped at the voice.
The voice answered back. I still couldn’t make out the words, but it sounded both insistent and scathing.
“Whatever. I’m done for tonight. I’m exhausted. You can talk to me tomorrow when I wake up,” he hissed, and he lay back down beside me.
All was silent in the bedroom. Minutes passed and David’s breathing slowed, and he started to lightly snore. He was asleep. But I couldn’t join him. I felt my pounding heart just now settling down into a steady rhythm. I wanted to push myself off the bed and inspect the bedroom. But I didn’t. I just lay there too afraid to get up and see what else might be in the room with us.
Eventually I did fall asleep, though it was more like passing out than actual sleep. When my eyes opened, I saw the morning light streaming into the bedroom from the window. I pushed myself up into a sitting position and looked around the room. There was nothing strange in the room with me. Just a pile of dirty laundry that was begging to be done.
I rubbed my eyes, feeling a headache starting behind them. In the light of day, I could convince myself that I had just dreamed everything or hallucinated. Just then David popped his head into the room and gave me a huge smile.
“You slept in super late. Are you just that tired?” He asked walking into the room and sitting down next to me. He had a cup of coffee in his hand and passed it to me. I took it gently and sipped. The warmth from the liquid was lifting my spirits.
“I didn’t sleep well last late. I think I was having a nightmare,” I explained, sipping at the coffee.
David furrowed his brow and rubbed my back.
“Poor thing. You never have nightmares, do you want to tell me what it was about,” he asked still rubbing my back.
I shrugged and kept sipping my coffee, wondering if I should confront him about last night or play it off as some kind of waking nightmare.
“No, it’s fading now. I can’t even remember what it was about,” I stood up as I spoke. I was getting hungry, and I hoped that David had saved me some breakfast.
He hadn’t, but that’s just because he hadn’t made anything yet. He had been waiting for me to wake up before he started on making something.
I volunteered to make us some food. Mostly because I was craving waffles and David sucks at making them. I started searching through the cabinets and fridge for what I needed.
As I was busying myself with breakfast I glanced up and saw David staring fixedly at the corner of the living room. His lips were moving rapidly, and I knew that he was talking to himself again. I looked away. It was too early for this. I was hungry, and I needed some more coffee in me before I could deal with any kind of crazy this morning.
As soon as I poured out the flour and milk David appeared beside me, causing me to jump a little. I snapped at him because he scared me.
“Jesus David, you really gotta stop sneaking up on me like that,” I hissed. I was already irritated from lack of sleep and now he had to startle me too.
“I’m sorry,” he whispered, his eyes darting from me and back to the living room. “But I thought we could go out to brunch instead.”
I shook my head. “I already poured out the milk and flour, I don’t want it to go to waste.”
He licked his lips before speaking again.
“Please? It’ll be my treat. I just can’t be in the apartment right now.” He looked upset as he spoke to me.
I set aside the poor half-finished waffle mix and sighed.
“Okay, lets go out and get some brunch. I could use a cappuccino and a mimosa anyway,” I agreed.
David kept hovering over me as I got dressed as quickly as I could. I didn’t have time to brush my teeth before he rushed me out the door. He practically shoved me out into the hallway.
Usually, I’m all for a brunch date but he was acting so erratic, and I was bouncing between being irritated and concerned.
As we sat and ate our breakfast, I decided I needed to bring everything up. Something was worrying him and the more I thought about the last night the more this pit of worry was forming in my stomach. I think I just wanted him to tell me that everything was alright. That I had dreamed everything, and this was something normal I was blowing out of proportion.
“Last night I woke for a little while. I thought I heard you talking to someone.” I tried to say it as nonchalantly as I could.
David coughed on his eggs benedict and gave me a horrified expression.
“What are you talking about? I wasn’t talking to anyone last night,” He looked at me wide eyed. He was a terrible liar.
“Babe it’s okay. If you were dreaming, or if you have some kind of tik or Tourette’s it’s okay. I’m not here judging you. I’m just telling you that I’ve noticed. And I think I was dreaming through part of it anyway, cause I thought I heard something answering you back.” I reached out trying to hold his hand but he snatched it away.
“You had a nightmare last night. I wasn’t talking last night. I was asleep the whole time.” He was sweating as he spoke, and his eyes were darting around like he was looking for someone.
I sighed and went back to my breakfast. David sat his fork down and was looking everywhere except for me, his breakfast forgotten. I hadn’t meant for this to happen. Maybe talking about this in a public setting was too much for him.
After we paid the bill we were walking home when David grabbed my arm and forced me to face him. His eyes had a glassy and panicked look to them. I felt a stab of panic and placed my hand on his chest, feeling his heart pounding.
“Honey are you okay? You look like you’re getting sick.” I moved my hand to his forehead, wanting to take his temperature when he pushed my hand away.
“I think I should go back to my apartment for today. I think I need to be alone for awhile,” He stammered backing away from me.
“Okay. But, if you’re sick if you come back with me I can take care of you,” I pleaded.
He shook his head.
“No, I think I really just need to have some time to myself.” He turned and walked away, leaving me staring after him on the sidewalk. Both our apartments were in walking distance. One of the perks of living in a city. He was always at my place so often we practically lived together, it felt unnatural going back home alone.
I texted him throughout the day but I got no answer. I tried calling but it went to voice mail. Any irritation I felt for him was gone and replaced with pure concern. As the evening wore on I was preparing to go over to his place to confront him when he finally called me back.
“David? Are you okay? You haven’t messaged me back all day, I was getting worried! I was getting ready to come over to your place.” I said in a rush.
“No! Don’t come over here. It’s not safe,” he spoke in a low whisper. I almost couldn’t hear him.
“What do you mean it’s not safe? Safe for who? You or me?” my voice rising in alarm.
“For you,” he sputtered.
“Why? You’re not threatening to hurt me, are you? Or is someone else threatening to hurt me,” I was shouting over the phone. This was so out of character for him I didn’t know what to think.
“We need to break up,” he hissed back at me.
“You need to stay away from me. You need to stay safe,” he sounded like he was crying. And with that the call ended.
I stared at my phone is disbelief. I know he did not just break up with me over the phone. I called back. Then again and again. Straight to voice mail. I sent text messages and messages on WhatsApp but got no reply.
I spent the rest of the evening crying and only fell asleep after I took a sleeping pill just because I knew I needed the rest. Every message I sent to David was ignored. After a few days I stopped trying. I had gotten the message loud and clear, and I wasn’t going to throw myself at someone who wanted to push me away.
After a few more days had passed I started gathering up all the things he had left at my apartment in a box to leave at his place. I cried while doing it. Breaking up was always hard, but I had thought our relationship was going well.
Dropping off the box was harder than I had expected. I sent him a text letting him know his stuff was outside his door. At this point I was certain I was blocked, but in case he wasn’t I wanted to give him a heads up. I lingered outside his door for several minutes. Part of me wanted to knock and see if he was home. Finally, I just turned and walked away. If he wanted to talk to me, he knew where I lived. And he had my number. Come to think of it I still needed to get my apartment key back from him.
That night I was laying on my couch half watching a movie while I scrolled through my phone. I was deleting all the pictures of me and David.
“Hello there Amber,” a soft voice purred from somewhere behind me.
I gasped and leapt off the couch, clutching my phone to my chest. It sounded like someone was right beside my ear. But there was nothing. My eyes darted to the TV screen. Maybe I had heard it from there? But no one in the movie I was watching was named Amber. My heart was pounding as I tried to rationalize what I had heard. Immediately I thought of David, and his weird tik, and the voice I had heard that night.
I ended up staying awake most of the night. I was scared. I didn’t want to be. What I was feeling was irrational but that didn’t mean it wasn’t happening. I got up to leave the apartment, but I ended up just sitting back down again. Where was I going to go? It was the middle of the night, and besides a few all-night diners everything was closed. I didn’t relish the thought of sitting on an uncomfortable bar stool sipping coffee waiting till morning.
Staying home seemed like the best option. I even thought about messaging David, but I stopped myself. He wasn’t going to answer me anyway.
I stay on that couch till the first rays of light started to peak through the blinds. I smiled. The sunshine calmed my nerves and I felt myself finally relaxing and drifting off to an exhausted sleep. As I closed my eyes and curled into the warmth of the sofa, I felt a hand gently pressing onto my back, the hint of claws digging thought the fabric of my shirt.
“Don’t go to sleep yet Amber, we have so much to talk about,” the voice whispered.