Together, forever, you’re never alone. Whatever the weather; I’m your home. Two birds, one feather; we never atone. For being together, forever, and never disown.
I awoke to the rhythmic beeps of the heart monitor. Two voices spoke quietly outside the fabric curtain. I pretended to be asleep as the sounds of the hospital invaded my mind.
…Psychiatric help. We find people do this as a cry for help. Do you know why she tried to take her life?
No. I mean she’s got some issues, but we have been working through them.
The heart monitor betrayed my pretend slumber as I heard the second voice. The reason why I had bandages around my left wrist. Why I had taken the warm bath and complimentary razor blade.
We will have to keep Raina in tonight. It’s just a precaution. Tomorrow, you can take her home.
Is she going to be alright? There was a lot of blood.
She’s fine. Tired, I imagine. She needs rest and by the looks of you, you need to sleep too.
I felt their eyes on me. Watching my prone form on the bed. Her eyes were probably filled with matronly concern. His, like an actor on set, narrow and loving, but underneath seething with anger.
After a few seconds of silence, the voices began again.
Can I stay for a while?
My eyes opened to slits, hoping to see the lady turn David away, but instead I saw his eyes pinned on mine.
“She’s awake!” David rushed in and forced his way onto the side of the bed, grabbing my hand in his. The nurse came over and checked the machines and my chart.
“How are you feeling, Riana?” She asked, bending low over my face, lifting my lids to better see my eyes.
“Tired.” I didn’t recognise my croaky voice. But I wasn’t lying. My body felt tired from my toes to my throat. Everything ached, even my soul.
“You get some rest, dear. Everything will be alright.” She patted my arm as I glanced up to her emerald eyes. A second later and the curtains fluttered as she left. David watched her leave and then stood up.
Panic made the heart monitor beep quicker. If he noticed he didn’t say anything as he glanced at the curtains and then at me.
“What were you thinking? You scared me half to death.”
“I’m sorry,” I croaked out. Even though I wasn’t.
The curtains snapped closed. And David returned to the side of the bed, his face dripping with mock concern.
“You were going to leave me? Why would you do that?” He stroked my hair. I noticed a bandaged finger and wondered if he cut himself pulling me from the tub.
“You know why.” I stated, flatly.
“Oh that,” he dismissed it with a wave of his hand, and plopped back down on the bed. “It was a mistake. I told you I’m sorry. I promise it will never happen again.”
“She’s pregnant, David. You’re having a child with someone else.”
“Geez, Riana. I said I’m sorry. I’m here aren’t I? With you. Not with her.”
“It’s because I can’t have children. You’re punishing me.”
David leant in to kiss the side of my head, but I pulled away. His face flickered with the ever present annoyance and then vanished just as quick.
“We can work through this,” he said, gruffly. “I promise. But you need to promise me you’ll never try that again?”
I nodded slowly and pulled the covers up to my chin, grimacing as the pain at my left wrist flared, the muscle not letting me grab the sheet.
“Good girl. Here, I got you this.” He placed a fluffy penguin by my head, and stood up. “So you’re not alone tonight.”
The penguin was a sad affair. Like a forgotten friend of someone’s love. Shabby, dark fur with a rusty red breast and black sequin eyes.
“Watch out for the beak. It’s sharp,” he laughed, showing his bandaged finger. “I’ll be back tomorrow to take you home.” David leaned down for a kiss, hovering inches from my lips. Reluctant, for making him angry, I brought the penguin up and pecked him on the lips like a child with a play toy.
A partial shock ran across his face. I knew he was trying to decide if he had been offended or not. I waited in terror as his face soften and then a smile crept up one side of his face.
“I love you too…. Both of you.”
My heart was beating so fast, that the monitor played a crescendo as he walked to the curtains and ripped them open.
“You should name him,” he said, as he took one last look at me and walked away.
The sounds of the hospital reigned in. Slowly, I closed my eyes and calmed my breathing. Then, the caged pain of his betrayal broke open again. As tears cascaded down my cheeks I felt the brush of wet fur. The penguin soaked up my tears but not my sorrow as I thought about David and the other lady. About the baby to come and the monster that was its father.
“That’s it’s nice and easy,” David led me to the bed and sat me on the edge.
“I’m not disabled, David. I can undress myself,” I said, as he reached for Squishy, the penguin, and placed it on the beside, then reached for my top and pulled it over my head. I suddenly felt bare and vulnerable, crossing my arms over my breasts.
He had been sweet and nice since the hospital. Back to the man I had fallen in love with. Was it possible that my accident had changed him? I wished it was. With all my soul.
“Don’t be modest, Rain, I’ve seen it all before,’’ he chuckled, as he went into the ensuite and ran water in the tub.
My wrist still burned as I navigated my skirt and underwear. The house felt cold somehow. Like it wasn’t really the home we had shared for the past four years. Like it was someone else’s home. An echo of myself before the….
“The water is nice and warm. The doctor said to keep the bandage on for a while,” he called out. “You know, to help the wound heal. We can change it after you’ve washed the smell of the hospital out of you.”
Slowly I stood up, noticing how thin I was in the vanity mirror. My hip bones showed through my skin. My cheeks had sunk a little and my eyes seemed like they belonged to someone else. Someone in pain.
“What are you doing?” David stood in the doorway watching me regard myself.
“Oh nothing,” I winced as I noticed him looking me up and down hungrily.
Quickly, I brushed past him, not wanting to feel his eyes on me anymore. A moment of trepidation washed over me as I stared at the tub. The water was milky white from the bath salts David had thrown in. In my mind I saw a mist of red. A cloud of forbidden release.
“It won’t bite. It’s just water. Nothing more.”
Slowly, I dipped a foot in, the warmth ran up my legs welcoming me back to its embrace. A shiver ringed my head as my waist slipped in and stopped when the water rose to my chest.
“There you go. It’s ok. I’m here for you. You and me, forever, remember?” David sat on the side of the tub and leaned down to kiss my clammy head.
I nodded, suddenly not able to speak.
David shifted on the side of the tub and pulled two rattling jars from his pocket.
“Now,” he said, tipping one up on his palm until a single white pill fell out. “You need to take these once a day.” After a similar exchange with the other jar, and another, orange pill, he poured some water in a cup from the sink and handed it to me.
The first one stuck in my dry throat and I nearly retched. The second was smaller and went down easily.
“That’s my girl,” he smiled and placed the pills back in his pocket. “I’ll make us some tea. You take it easy. Enjoy a nice bath.”
I pulled up my knees and hugged them as he left the bathroom, closing the door. As a second thought, he opened it a fraction so I could see the bedroom, before smiling and turning away.
Deep inside of me, I felt exhausted. I was a prisoner in my own home. David had signed the release form after the psychiatrist had visited and scheduled my next appointment. Tiredness pulled my eyes closed as I sank into the water, leaving my left arm hanging out of the tub.
My mind went back to a better time. When we first met. When it was all roses and smiles, and dinner dates and evening walking under the stars. My eyes fluttered open as I felt someone enter the room. But David wasn’t there. I thought it was just my tired mind.
That the trauma was playing tricks on me. To my surprise Squishy was sitting on the toilet. His worn fur sticking out at weird angles like he had been loved so much that whoever had him before never let him go. I found comfort in him being there. I didn’t see David bring him in, but was thankful all of a sudden that he did.
I sank below the water in the tub and let the warmth carry me away. As a kid I always liked how the water in my ears sounded like a faraway world, how when you opened your eyes to that other world, the real world, it was distorted and warped.
Just how I felt it really was. I found my fingers tapping the side of the bath and wondered at why it felt like it was a distant ding of a mighty hammer on a godly anvil.
A sense of peace drifted in to replace my tortured soul, wrapped it up in waves of warmth and sounds of hollowness. When my breath was ready to explode from my chest, I let my eyes open.
A smudge of black replaced the white ceiling, growing bigger as I scrunched up my eyes to better make out what it was. The water shimmered as the figure pressed down, hands piercing the membrane of that world, forcing them at my throat. Pushing my head back against the hard surface of the bath.
My lungs exploded. I fought the hands gripping my throat. Thrashed against a slippery tub trying to pull myself out of the darkness entering my eye. Kicked my feet. Slid from side to side. Cried out in screaming bubbles. Just when I thought I was gone, the hands disappeared. I came up spluttering.
The bathroom was soaked from my panic. I jumped up and out of the tub and sat huddled on the toilet seat as David crashed into the room holding a tray of food.
“What the hell happened?”
“Get away from me!” I screamed. I knew it was wrong to believe he had changed.
“Raina? It’s me.” He dropped the tray on the bed and entered the bathroom crouching down before the toilet.
“It was you! You tried to kill me! Why? Why save me and then kill me?” I lashed out at him. He blocked my attacks and held my wrists, forcing me to clam down.
“What are you talking about? I was in the kitchen making you some food. Look.”
He released my wrists and I held my left one as the burning pain sprung up my arm. There on the bed was a tray with a sandwich on a plate swimming amidst a glass of spilt orange juice.
“I wasn’t me. It must have been the pills. You’re tired. You are hallucinating.” I heard the panic in his voice. Saw the wideness of his eyes and his heavy breathing.
“The pills?”
“Yes. The pills. The doctor said it might have an effect on you. You probably fell asleep and slipped below the water.”
“I did?”
“Oh, honey. I’m sorry I left you. Next time I’ll be here, I promise. I won’t let anything hurt you,” David placed a towel around my shoulder, and knelt back down. “Together forever, remember.”
I nodded numbly as his words sank in. I was sure it was him, but the more I thought about it, it couldn’t have been if he was in the kitchen at the other end of the house. He wouldn’t have been able to get here that quickly to pretend it wasn’t him. As he left the room I gathered the towel around me, and let the tears fall.
Two o’clock. Got it.
The gentle release of sleep stole away. The room was quiet except for David on the phone. The curtains were drawn shut against the night, and somewhere far off a car horn blared. Beside me on the pillow was Squishy, tucked under the blanket so only his sharp beak and sequinned eyes were showing.
She thought she was drowning in the bath… Scared me half to death… Mm hmm… Yes. She’s ok. Do you think it’s the pills?… Mm hmm… Ok. Well, change it to 2pm… Yep. See you when you get here.
David ended the call and glanced over his shoulder at me. I laid prone letting him think I was asleep. He turned back away, and walked to the curtains where he placed the phone at his ear.
Hey, Fiona. It’s me…. I’m sorry. I had something to deal with…. No. I’m alright. How are you feeling?… Good… I want to see you too…. I will. Soon I promise…. I will be there… I’m not going to let you do this alone. He’s my child too… Ok… I’ll see you soon… I love you too. Bye.
The call ended as a wave of hurt sprung through my body. Part of me respected him for not letting Fiona do this alone, but the other part of me wished he was dead for betraying me. After I suppressed the emotions toiling my soul I faked a yawn and sat up.
“You’re awake. How are you feeling?
“Better. Thank you,” I lied. I picked up Squishy and cuddled him close.
“I was just on the phone to the psychiatrist. She will be here tomorrow at 2pm. After that you can rest up again. I need to go out and check on something for work, but I’ll be back with some dinner soon after. You love Chinese, right? Dim sum! I know that’s your favourite.”
I smiled and smacked my lips like a child. David grinned and went to the bathroom to undress. After a few minutes he came out of the bathroom and pulled his covers to one side.
“Oh, your bandage must be weeping,” he said, pointing to a red stain on the bed where Squishy had been laying. “I’ll go get some more bandages. Be right back.”
He left as I glanced at the stain and then my wrist. The bandage was still secure, and clean. I didn’t know where the blood had come from until I checked my body and found a sharp scrap down my left arm that ended just above the bandage. Confused, I pulled Squishy away and checked to see if he had any blood on him, and was surprised to find a string of skin hanging from his beak.
Maybe I had turned over in my sleep and caught my skin against his beak. I remembered David’s finger at the hospital and his warning that Squishy could bite. It felt stupid at the time, a stuffed toy biting someone, and I found a chuckle escaping my throat as I saw the irony of it.
After a time David came back with a handful of bandages and unwound my wrist. The scar was puckered and red. Swollen and angry. I didn’t know how many stitches they had used to close the long vertical cut. And to be honest I didn’t want to know. It was a reminder of something I wasn’t proud of. A moment of weakness that I was repulsed by.
David was gentle. Cleaning the wound with slow strokes. Pulling the bandage tight enough to be secure but not tight enough to be uncomfortable. I found myself looking at his hands for the cut from Squishy. His finger was swollen too. The nail, a deep shade of green that spiderwebs down the side of his finger to the blackish cut.
“That looks infected?” I said, as he finished tying off the bandage.
“It’s fine. I’ll get it seen to tomorrow. Now, to bed with you.”
He pulled up the covers and laid back. I felt the cold void between us. A narrow space of hostile bed. One I didn’t want to brooch but also didn’t want to invade it alone. David fell asleep almost instantly. But I couldn’t sleep.
Something lingered at the back of my mind. Squishy was on the toilet seat when I was attacked, but he wasn’t there when I jumped out of the tub. I fought with my mind. I knew I was tired but it wasn’t a dream. I hadn’t fallen asleep in the water.
I felt the brush of fur and snatched Squishy out from under the blankets and held him up. Had his fur always been shiny like that? Had his breast always been a ruby rub and not a dull faded rusty colour? His sequin eyes sparkled suddenly and I jumped out of bed and raced to the kitchen bin. Before I threw him inside, I noticed a tag at the back with writing on it.
Together, forever, you’re never alone. Whatever the weather; I’m your home. Two birds, one feather; we never atone. For being together, forever, and never disown.
It echoed with what David said to me at the hospital, Together forever. I shuddered and threw him in the bin.
Something about the stuffed penguin made me feel sick. Like it wasn’t just a stuffed toy but something more. A reminder of something I wanted to forget. With the tiredness of the world on my shoulders I trundled back to bed and laid there feeling empty. Wondering if David was going to leave me for Fiona and the baby. I knew he said we would be together forever, but he also told Fiona that he loved her.
A scraping woke me. My eyes sprung open and my heart raced as I tried to place the sound. The vacant, coldness of the bed next to me opened up like a chasm. As my eyes adjusted to the light streaming through the open curtains, I saw the silhouette of someone standing at the foot of the bed.
“David?” I sat up, the pain in my wrist extending up my arm and onto my chest. I scratched at Squishy’s scrape and squinted in the bright light.
“David? Is everything alright?”
“Together, forever. Remember?”
“What are you talking about?” A shiver stole my breath. The eerie echo of his words and that damned stuff toy chilled me to the bone.
David turned slowly. He held something up and I instantly recognised it as Squishy.
“Did you get that out of the bin?”
“You threw him away, Raina. Is that what we mean to you? Something to throw away? Is that why you took your life?”
“But I didn’t die?” I had to touch myself to make sure I was whole. For a minute I was confused. I was alive. I wasn’t imagining it.
David brought Squishy up to his ear as if the toy was speaking to him.
“Squishy is angry with you for throwing him away,” David tutted and wagged a finger at me.
“He’s a stuffed toy!” I shouted. Surely my mind wasn’t making this up. I pinched myself hard, the pain telling me I was awake and this wasn’t a product of the pills.
“He’s more than that, Raina.” Something about how he said my name made me back further up the bed. I noticed the black veins crawling up his arm, and noticed his eyes were darker than normal, hollower than they should have been.
“David. You’re scaring me.”
Squishy squeaked at his ear again and David nodded.
“She doesn’t know.”
“Doesn’t know what?!” I screamed.
“You died, Raina. You died in the tub. You never left here, but you left us.”
“You’re sick, David. That cut is infected. It’s messing with your brain. I’m right here!” I stood up, planted myself before him, slapping my body. When that wasn’t enough to change the weird look on his face, I pushed David backward.
“Can a dead person do that?”
David’s grin didn’t fall, instead he raised Squishy to his ear and laughed.
“Squishy said to go and look,” he nodded to the bathroom.
I felt the emptiness between us. My mind raced to make sense of the piece I knew and what David was saying. If I was dead, how would I remember the hospital? If I was dead, how would I remember the sharpness of Squishy beak tearing my skin? I stumbled past David as he looked on vacantly. The bathroom was cold. I stopped at the door as I saw the tub and the person laying under the mottled water.
It was a trick. My mind was filling in the blanks. The pills making it seem real but it wasn’t. Or it was something else.
I turned around to see David at the door. Squishy sitting on his shoulder.
“She knows now. She understands.”
I screamed, pulling at my hair. I wasn’t losing my mind. It wasn’t real. Suddenly, I understood what was happening. The cut on my arm and the cut on David’s finger. They had joined us with that sadistic stuffed toy. Whatever Squishy was, it was controlling us. Making us see things and do things we wouldn’t normally do.
I snatched Squishy off David’s shoulder and raced for the kitchens, wrenching open drawers until I found a sharp knife.
David came into the room, panic on his face. “Raina. Don’t do it. Please. Put down the knife.”
“No!” I screamed. “No. I won’t. It’s this damn thing, David. It’s messing with our minds.”
“Raina,” David’s pleas almost sounded natural. Like Squishy’s spell had evaporated, but I knew the truth. I knew Squishy wouldn’t let us leave alive.
“I have to do it, David. I have too!”
“Raina. Please. Put down the knife. We can talk about this.”
He looked at that toy and then back at me, and in that instant, I knew what had to be done.
The bite of the blade went deep. The blood sprayed out faster than I thought it would, but I didn’t stop hacking away. Even when David came rushing over to stop me. I elbowed him away and carried on severing my arm. Anything to stop the infection leeching my brain. I wasn’t crazy. I wasn’t. It was the stuffed toy. As my mind slipped away, and the blade clattered to the floor, I saw Squishy’s eyes widened and his beak snap.
I woke to the steady beat of a heart monitor. The sounds of the ward came crashing in. People screamed. Shouts of men and women. My eyes fluttered open to the white gown of a psychiatric nurse. She didn’t say anything as she adjusted the drip and left. Closing the door behind her. I tried to move and found my arms and legs shackled to the bed.
Through the porthole window I saw David’s face. He smiled at me and waved Squishy. His mouth moved, forming the words. Together, forever.
I know I’m not crazy. I know it was the toy. It has its hold on David now. I don’t know if it will ever leave him. As for me, I’m scared that one day, I’ll get out and David and Squishy will finish off what they started. But there’s something else I fear more than for myself. Before David left, he motioned giving the toy to a baby. His unborn child.