It was the strangest thing. Walking into the kitchen for breakfast to find dad sitting at the table sober for once.
My little sister was already there. She turned to me and smiled cheerily. “Morning!”
“Hi…” I murmured. She continued scoffing the pancakes in front of her.
Pancakes.
Only dad got pancakes. We got toast. But today, dad had nothing but an empty plate.
I sat down in front of the serving I assumed was mine, but I was hesitant to eat. “Where’s mom?” I asked no one in particular.
“She has a headache.” Dad answered. I couldn’t meet his eyes. “Eat up, she made them for you.”
I stuck a fork into my food and ate, all the while staring at the table.
I couldn’t have been more relieved when it was time for school. It’d felt like the fucking zone in there, I informed my best friend Stu later.
I dawdled home that evening. Things changed, sometimes. They got good. But it never lasted more than a few hours, a day if we were lucky. And it was always worse after.
I almost tripped on Lily’s bag when I got in. She’d dumped it right by the door. I picked it up and made to sneak to our room. She knew dad hated messes. Now we’d both pay.
As I passed the kitchen I fully expected it to be empty, because dad sat in the lounge after work. But it wasn’t empty. Dad was in there, at the table, exactly where he’d been this morning. Mom was doing the dishes behind him.
I froze like a deer in headlights.
“Hi, Jo.” Dad said.
“H….h-hi.”
The plates and cups clattered in the sink before mom. “Hey, baby. Dinner’s at six, tell your sister.”
“Ok.” I managed before scuttling to my room.
Lily was already in there, lying on her bed and listening to music through headphones. I dropped her bag and snatched the headphones off her head.
“Hey!” She sat up and attempted to snatch them back.
“You know the rules!” I hissed. “No music before five.”
“Dad doesn’t care!” Lily whined.
I stared at her gobsmacked. Dad doesn’t care? After everything… How could she say that? Sure things were weird right now but she knew… She knew he’d be back to normal any second. Why poke a sleeping bear?
I shook my head disappointingly. “No. Music.”
Lily stood up on her bed and stared down at me. “You’re going to be just like him if you keep that up.”
Her words stung. I just wanted to protect her.
“He’s been there all day, you know,” she added, sitting down again. “And I asked mom if I could listen to music. And she told me to ask dad. And he said sure right in front of her.”
As I digested her words she snatched her headphones back, tucked them over her ears, and laid down with her back to me.
I sat on my bed. What the fuck was going on? I was too afraid to verify what she claimed, and didn’t really believe it, so I just waited for the eventual stomp down the hallway. But it never came.
At six Lily and I went into the kitchen for dinner.
Two places were set at our little round table, just like breakfast. We had a nice pork chop each and a heap of vegetables and mashed potato.
Dad sat before his empty plate. Mom was nowhere to be seen.
“Heya,” he said.
“Hi dad.” Lily replied. I admired her ability to just… Go with it.
We sat down and began to eat when beckoned to do so by dad.
Eventually it was too much. I had to ask. “Dad… Where’s yours?” My voice always came out so meek when talking to him. I hated it.
He sniffed. That was a tell of his. When he was getting angry. Just like a pig, mom told me one night after one of his tantrums. Just like a pig.
“Don’t worry about mine. Just eat. Eat up and-“
“Darling.” Mom’s voice rose from their bedroom down the hall.
Dad’s face dropped. Like I’d never, ever seen. He went pale. His lips quivered into a smile directed at me. “Is it nice?”
“Mhm.” I continued to eat. Lily was staring between us like a tennis match.
I couldn’t sleep, after. I lay in bed in the dark with butterflies stabbing my stomach.
Something was very wrong. I hadn’t really talked to mom since the day before yesterday. It was like she was avoiding us. And dad, what the fuck was happening there?
“Are you awake?” Lily’s whisper interrupted my thoughts.
“Yeah.”
“K. Goodnight.”
I sat up on my elbows. “Lily. When you talked to mom before, how was she? Was she… ok?” I asked as quietly as I could. Voices traveled in this house since all the doors were taken away.
“She seemed ok… I guess.”
“You guess? Did she have bruises or?”
“I don’t know. She never turned around.”
So that was it. He’d beat her up real bad. And now he was playing nice for a little while. I fell asleep worrying.
The sound of dishes woke me up early. I immediately got up, hoping to get mom alone before school. But it was no use. Dad was there already, or maybe he never left. He looked a little bit grey. A little bit sweaty.
For the first time in my life I decided to be brave. “Mom.” I said.
She didn’t stop washing up.
“Mom. I have to talk to you. Alone.”
Dad eyed me.
“Not now, baby.” Mom replied.
“Mom, please. I have to talk to you.”
“Darl, maybe you should talk to her.” Dad suggested.
Mom froze.
It was so funny, so strange. Dad being the one to walk on eggshells. He sensed she wasn’t happy behind him and out came that pitiful smile again. “Please.”
“Darling. You don’t speak to me. Remember?”
His smile faltered. “You can’t keep me here.”
“Leave then.” Mom replied quietly.
I backed up. Any minute now. Any minute and he’d-
“Please. Pleease. Please!” Dad grit out. “I’m sorry. How many times do I have to say it? What can I do?!”
“You can sit there, just like you are.” Said mom. Her voice was so clear. So unafraid.
Dad pound his fist on his plate. It shattered and he cut his palm but didn’t care. I jumped and almost ran.
“You fucking bitch…” Dad whispered. “I should have smashed your head all the way through. I should have smashed your head all the way fucking through. I–”
“But you did, darling. You did, remember?”
It was too much. I didn’t understand. So I ran outside, still in my PJs. Ran to me and Stu’s favorite hideaway.
Lily came and found me hours later. We walked home in silence.
“Dinner’s at six.” Mom said from the sink when we entered.
Since then, I’ve just… Gone with it. The both of us have. Lily even put a party hat on dad.
Mom makes us food. She cleans the dishes. And we do the rest… Everything. Down to paying the bills with dad’s money.
I haven’t seen her face in so long. And dad never leaves the table. He’s beginning to stink.