Gut feelings exist for a reason. Some higher part of our brain that’s more aware, that the other parts can’t process.
So call it a gut feeling.
But I knew, seeing the small dimples in Avery’s smile as he shot it over at me,
That one of us was going to die tonight.
“Let’s take a walk.” Avery said softly, pushing up from the table, running a hand through his thick hair. I tried to keep my eyes from wandering. I nodded, shakily pushing up and pushing in my chair, my coffee untouched. He grabbed both of them without a word, taking a few long strides to the garbage, chucking them both before waiting for me.
I gave him a tight smile as he pushed open the door, taking a wavering inhale of the cold hair as it hit my face, stinging my nose and burning my eyes. I tried to blink away the residual tears, keep the sobs down that kept rising in my chest.
Because I knew I was only given a fraction of my memories.
But I knew from that, that there was no way both of us could get out alive. It simply didn’t add up. Avery was a defect in the Matchmakers perfect world. And somehow, I was tethered to him. Both or one of us had to die to end the cycle, and get out of whatever version of the simulation we were in this time. And even then, the Matchmakers could decide to kill the other anyway.
But I was getting ahead of myself. I didn’t have all my memories, right? Avery was clearly the one with the knowledge. I opened my mouth to speak, turning my head, but promptly shut it as I felt a warm pressure in my hand as Avery reached for it.
“I know you have questions, Theo. I’ll answer all of them. In a bit, okay?” He said softly, threading his fingers through mine. I swallowed the lump in my throat, nodding soundlessly as I tightly laced my hand with his.
Because I was speechless.
Maybe I was important to helping him escape the simulation, and that’s why he was here.
Or maybe my memories were right, and I had been in love with the thin, young boy with dark, messy hair and blue eyes the moment I laid eyes on him.
That with every impromptu baseball practice, every swim in the river, every hug and stargazing adventure we had, that love had tethered our souls together. Cementing us together even further, to the point of me getting involved in this mess.
Is that why I was here? Love?
More questions for Avery.
“My place is just around the corner.” Avery said, giving my hand a soft squeeze, running his thumb along the top of my hand as we walked.
“And then-” I started.
“Questions, yes.” He finished, shooting me a small smile.
So I was left to come up with as many as I could on the short walk back, soundless as we finally reached a small apartment complex, watching as Avery dug the key out of his pocket to let us in.
It was small, but cozy. Like it had been lived in. Modern, minimalist furniture with a few plants, but with odd paintings on the wall. Dark charcoal paintings of numbers, three hundred and thirty four. I felt an odd connection, seeing 334. Maybe another memory. Avery led us to the couch, sitting down before he finally released my hand, pushing it again through his hair.
I turned to face him, directing my body language so he would see that he had all my attention. He did the same.
“There’s a lot. Okay? So questions until the end, but I think I’ll answer a lot of them in what I’m about to say. This isn’t all the details, but most of them are irrelevant. So this is- just kind of everything that you should know going forward. What’s happening, what’s going to happen.” He said, the rush of words pouring out of him like he had been waiting half a decade to tell me.
I nodded, giving him a soft smile. “Not a peep from me. I just need to know to know. Please.” I said quietly. I felt his dark gaze shift to mine, locking in.
He nodded.
And with that, took a deep breath.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I looked at Theo, to his dark blonde waves, to curious brown eyes. His attentive gaze. His soft smile. He deserved to know everything, needed to know everything.
The beautiful, kind boy I had fallen in love with before I knew what love was.
But I couldn’t tell him everything.
He could know that we had been in love with each other since we were kids. That it was the reason he was in this mess with me.
But I couldn’t tell him everything.
I couldn’t tell him that by the end of this, I was going to be dead.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I watched as Avery took a contemplating breath before finally speaking.
“It started when we were kids.” He began, and I straightened up to listen.
“This, I assume you gathered, is a simulation. This is the last one. There’s been four.” He said, sitting back to get comfortable, crossing his arms over his chest.
“In our original lives, we lived in a city. Think of it as a utopia. Obviously people could leave, but think of it as a bubble. Everyone within it is well provided for. Jobs are far above minimum wage, food and water never runs out. You get love. You get your soulmate when you turn 18. Their name.”
Avery took another deep breath before continuing.
“But obviously, how is everyone perfect? How do people not commit crimes? There’s no jails. Crime rates are at zero percent. The answer is pretty simple. From a young age, our negative qualities are extracted.” He said with a wince.
“There’s lots of names for them. Most call them our ‘Other Selves’, and think of them as a representation. Every negative quality, jealousy, hate, anger, evil, manifested into another entity that lives within you. When we’re born, those are taken out, and thrown into what’s called The Below.”
He looked at me with a pained expression.
“I know- I know in the memories you said you still had your other self? That’s why you were taken away?” I asked softly, not wanting to pry the memories. Avery nodded.
“I was defective. Something happened. In my genes maybe, but mine never left. That’s what you saw when we were kids.” He said heavily, now looking ashamed. “That’s where you come in.”
“I was in love with you, Theo. Before I even knew what it was.” He said, now locking eyes with me, and I felt a blush spread across my face.
“Something about that love, combined with the fact that I still had my Other Self, tethered your soul to mine. Intertwined them, mixed them. Whatever you want to call it.”
He said, his gaze still heavy on mine. I felt like I couldn’t breathe.
“My Other Self, it’s not like what the Matchmakers make them out to be. He is my worst qualities, and lives within me. But he’s capable of love, and kindness. It just takes a while to find his light in the mess of dark, but it’s worth it. He’s impulsive and jealous, and a bit crazy. But he’s a part of me.” He said, a touch of finality within his words.
“But anyway. They took me away. I think someone saw him, I know it wasn’t you. They knew you were involved too. I’m not sure how long they were watching us. So when they took me, they took you too. They believed that since you had met my Other Self, your memories were the key to cracking it. Why he never left me.” He said, taking a breath.
“So they made project B.E.T.A. Each of them a different simulation that they had funds for. They were putting you through it. A different life each time, but always with constants. The first was Aiden. Then Theodore. That was the most interesting, since that was our actual city, what our actual life would’ve been.” he said, looking away.
“Aiden and that one was the only one where I didn’t know what was happening. In our actual life, you were on my slip. I got to fall in love with you again, knowing what it was.” He said, looking back at me.
“But that’s where they fucked up. It was our life. So I spent it trying to figure the city out. My Other Self started feeding me memories. I understood what was happening.”
He pushed his hands through his hair, looking frustrated. “That’s where things get confusing, where things get weird. I don’t have answers for all of them. The connections, the similarities through all of the simulations all stemmed through the version of us where we had our slips. The connection to the water, everything. With each simulation they ran, things kept getting more fucked up.”
“My Other Self was trying to give you your memories back. I was trying desperately to stop that from happening, to get you involved as a last resort. When we were in college, with the yellow door? My Other Self was finding glitches in the simulation, loopholes to try and cheat the system and give you awareness. In the pool, pulling you in. When you saw the hallway with all the doors. All your memories. Your subconscious, hearing everything that’s happening in our current version of life. You saw me, you could interact with the child version of me.” He said, taking a deep breath.
“It’s messy, and confusing. But what you need to know is that we’re plugged in. And I know how to pull the plug. To get us out of the simulation. Our consciousness will go back to our actual bodies, and we’ll be able to escape. We can go, life off somewhere else. Or you can go by yourself. Being told you’ve loved the same person all this time doesn’t mean you have to love them.” He said, as I could hear him try to keep it together.
“So I want to at least give you that chance. To go find love of your own if you find it. If you want it-” He said before I cut him off.
“I want you.” I said, quietly, and simply, reaching out for his hand.
“And for you to finish your story, so we can have the ‘what are we talk when we’re out of here safely.” I said with a small smile. To my relief, Avery smiled back.
“Okay.” He said, taking a breath.
“I failed to pull the plug. Because you’re the one they’re running through the simulations, not me. Think of it as alternate realities, but you’re the one being refreshed. Starting again.”
“While it is a real plug in your mind, It’s a pill, a drug, that they can control through their technology. So in each simulation, I’ve failed to pull the plug. And each time I fail is when that simulation ends. It jumps forwards before starting again. Because they’re your memories. You have to essentially, let me into your head. So we can pull it. I can’t forcefully go in there and start fucking with stuff.
“From there I can guide you. Lead you to where we need to go, but you have to let me in first.” He said, shifting in his seat.
I raised my eyebrows. “Well, how do I let you in?” I asked, leaning forward.
I watched him swallow, a blush of his own creeping across his face. “You have to love me.” he said softly, and I swallowed.
“I think- I do.” I said with a small laugh, my chest tightening.
I couldn’t quite describe the way Avery was looking at me. Some kind of longing, maybe, sadness mixed with apprehension? His eyebrows slightly furrowed, his expression slightly pained.
“No, I don’t think. I know I love you, I don’t think- I mean I loved you in every other simulation, and I haven’t known you that long in this one, but with my memories and everything, and the fact-” that I said, words pouring out into a nervous ramble before they were quickly cut off.
Avery’s hands reached out to cup my face, his fingers sliding into my hair as he pulled my face closer to his, my words quickly silenced by the feel of his lips on mine. Warmth bloomed in my chest as a shot of adrenaline rushed through me.
His lips were soft, and regardless of how many times this probably happened in our other lifetimes, it felt like the first.
But granted, that was the last thing I remember before everything faded to black.
The first thing I felt was pressure. Avery’s lips on mine before something bright shone on my face. The pressure released, and part of me wanted to reach out, pull back the fabric of his shirt so I could feel it again until I blinked, opening my eyes.
I recognized it, vaguely. A hallway filled with doors, each illuminated by a soft, white glow. I turned to Avery, his face flushed, a small smile on his face.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Keep it together, Avery.
You kissed him. Maybe that was the last time, but it worked. He loves you. We’re in his head.
Keep it together. Don’t let the simulations restart.
Don’t be selfish. End it.
End it, once and for all.
End it for Theo. Let him live the life he deserves.
Don’t cry. Try to be strong for him. He’ll carry your betrayal. Once he realizes that it’s either you or him.
Don’t tell him. Don’t let him try to make that choice. He’ll try to choose you.
But it has to be you. It’s only fair.
Do it for Theo. It’s always been about Theo.
If you love him, let him go.
Do it for him.
Show him that you love him.
That you’ve always loved him.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“So, Theo. Welcome to your head.” Avery said, with a small smile.
I took a breath. “And you’re here, which means-”
“Which means that it worked.” He finished, nodding.
“Which means-”
“That you love me.” He said, a bittersweet smile resting on his face. I smiled back. “So it appears.” I teased, trying to keep my breaths steady. He smiled, soft and beautiful. His dimples flashing for a moment.
“So it appears.” He repeated back at me, reaching out to brush aside a piece of hair from my face before looking around. “Are you ready?” He asked, looking at me.
I nodded. “Ready.”
Avery smiled, taking my hand. Lacing his fingers through mine.
“Let’s go then.”
He turned, hand in mine down the hallways. I looked at the doors as I passed, each one labeled.
Aiden, Theodore, Ethan, Brandon.
Katlin, Mom, Dad.
Jennifer, Charles, Joseph.
Avery.
I wanted so badly to open it. It didn’t have the same white glow as the other ones. It had a faint, pulsing red hue to it. I wanted to see all the memories I had with him. Even throughout all the simulations. Each moment I got to spend with him.
But I held tightly onto Avery as we walked, towards a bright yellow one at the end of the hallway. With a breath as we reached it, he grasped the handle, turning it open.
Inside was a sparse room. A huge glass box, with a glass door. Inside, a huge red plug. So it was a literal plug. Next to it were various switches. Blue ones with names on it. Aiden, Theodore, Ethan, Brandon.
“Okay. You have to do this part.” Avery said, leading me into the glass box, to the switches. “Pull each one down. It’ll shut off the simulations, even the Theodore one, which was our current life. But real or not that simulation still ended.” Avery said, letting go of my hand.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It’s almost time. He’ll pull them. Undoubtedly he’ll see your name come up on the plug when the last one is pulled. Push him out of the box.
Me dying severs the connection. Without the attachment, his soul will be freed. His mind. He can start again.
He can start again. Let him start again.
Try not to cry.
Don’t back out. Take him, push him out. He can’t be in the box. He needs to live.
I love him.
I’ll always love him.
Please, let him remember that.
Please.
Please let him move on. He deserves love.
To love, and be loved by someone that can.
Free of this mess.
He needs to be loved.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I nodded, taking a shaky breath. I started with Aiden. My hand gripped the handle and pulled it down with surprising ease. The white glow on the name faded to black. I felt a sharp, but brief pain in my chest, but faded as soon as it came. I moved to Theodore.
Pull, Pain.
Ethan.
Pull, Pain.
Faded to black.
Brandon.
I looked at Avery with a small smile, before pulling the last switch. Brandon’s name faded to black. Sharp but fleeting pain.
Suddenly, the room was flooded with red lights. I looked towards the plug. Two names now shone above it.
Avery, Theodore.
“Okay. So now we pull that big one-” I said, but suddenly felt Avery’s hands on my shirt.
The pushing came right after. Avery, holding my shirt, was now pushing me.
“Avery! Avery what-” I said, confused as he moved me backward, before shoving me out of the box, slamming the door, and locking it.
I stumbled back, hurt and confused, with now a prickle of panic. Breathless, I looked at the plug, dread rushing over me as now only one name shone above the plug.
Avery.
Realization set in immediately as I put the pieces together.
No. No, no, no, no .
“Avery NO!” I screamed, rushing back to the box, frantic and desperate as I pounded on the door, rattling the handle.
“You can’t, you cannot, you said- you-” I said, panic sizing my body, every limb jittery as a wave of emotions crashed over me.
“Theo I’m so sorry,” Avery whispered from the other side, his expression beyond pain.
I felt the sobs rack my chest, wet and hard as tears started to flow. “Please, let me in. I can’t. I can’t- you can’t- Let me in, please GOD let me in.” I sobbed, banging on the door.
“Both of us can’t go, Theo. They’ll put you right back into the simulation if you’re still tied to me.” He said, his voice breaking, his eyes on the verge of tears.
“Avery please, I can’t be without you. I don’t care, I don’t care, I’d rather be put through a hundred fucking simulations than one without you.” I said, banging on the door again before whipping my head around, trying to find something I could try and break the glass with.
Avery put his hand on the glass, his checks rising and heaving with dry sobs. “I can’t. You deserve a life, Theo. I love you.”
“You fucking idiot I love you, so don’t. DON’T” I yelled, pounding on the glass again, the sobs racking my body.
Avery shook his head. “I’m so sorry Theo.” he whispered, taking his hand away and moving back.
Moving towards the plug.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Pull the plug, Avery. End it. Do it for Theo. You’re crying now, it’s okay.
As long as you can still pull the plug.
You love him.
You’ll always love him.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I watched in horror as his hands gripped both sides of the bright plug. With a heave, he yanked backward, ripping it out of the wall.
My eyes shot up, watching his name be replaced with a number.
Then 29.
It was a timer.
I pounded harder on the glass, my fists red as the tears stung my eyes.
“AVERY GET THE FUCK OUT.” I screamed, sobbing as I pounded on the glass.
He turned to me, crossing back over to put his hand on the glass.
“Please don’t cry.” He choked out, as figures appeared around him.
Young Avery. His other self. Watching from the corner, unusually long limbs, black as charcoal with an unnerving smile. Young Avery was behind him, clutching half a peanut butter sandwich and a baseball bat.
I sobbed harder.
“Please, Avery” I said, almost whispering as I placed my hand against his on the other side of the glass.
Tears were flowing freely down his face now, as a few sobs escaped him.
“I love you, Theo.” He whispered.
“Go have a life.”
“No, no, Avery please no.” I choked out. “Please open the door. Please.”
8
7
6
5
4
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I love you, Theodore Shillings.
I’ve always loved you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
3
2
1
“Avery-” I sobbed, resting my head against the glass as he mirrored the motion.
His last motion before everything flashed a blinding white.
I ran home, breathless. Mom said new neighbors were moving in today, so I rushed back as fast as I could from the creek.
I was still sweaty, but that was okay.
I burst through the door, and my mom smiled, a family sitting down at the table. “Theo! There you are.”
I walked closer. “These are our new neighbors. Their son is starting third grade this year, just like you.”
I looked over as a small boy stood up, crossing over to me, sticking out a hand with a toothy, shy smile.
Thin, with dark hair and darker blue eyes.
“Nice to meet you, Theo.” He said, beaming.
“My name is Avery.”
- …. . / . -. -..