When you think about it, memories are a curious thing.
A disorienting thing.
Because truly, the power they have is baffling. Even more baffling when you find that you really don’t wield this power. Your mind does.
Your mind decides that it knows best. Your mind decides which memories to keep, which ones to discard. Keeping the ones that bring joy, discarding the ones that will make you spiral, the ones that are filled with a perplexing amount of pain and sadness.
Of course, however, no memory can simply be discarded. No, your mind stuffs it into a dusty filing cabinet somewhere at the back of your brain. Sometimes the cabinet will have a lock. A lock, and maybe chains, depending on the memory.
Because some memories are dangerous. The past is a fickle thing, but memories of the past have the power to wreak havoc on the future. Some memories tell the truth.
And the truth can be dangerous.
So the memories stay in the cabinet, voluntarily or not.
They stay there, until someone with the right key comes to unlock it.
-
“You can make it out to Theo.”
My lungs felt like they couldn’t get enough air. My body wasn’t sure what to do. Run? Stay? Yell?
Would your body know what to do if the person who had been showing up in your dreams for years, was suddenly right in front of you?
Because this was Avery. Avery.
I wanted to look to him for cues, for what to do next. Was he supposed to say something? Was I? He looked like he wanted to say more, move towards me, but perhaps unsure of how I would react.
Seconds felt like hours as we simply stood there, looking at each other, a hanging, unspoken force connecting us together. Eventually, a woman brushed past Avery, startling him as he shifted his eyes away from me, breaking the thread of tension as he stepped aside before looking back at me.
“I know- I know you must have questions.” He started carefully, trying to keep his voice measured.
Questions? Understatement of the century.
“And I want to answer them. It’s taken me a long time to find you this time.” He said quietly, and I bristled.
This time?
“How did you find me, exactly?” I said, my words coming out sharper than I meant. Every part of me was on edge.
“I’ll explain, I promise. Just- please. Can we sit?” He said, gesturing to a table. My heartbeat faltered. I had a choice. I could wait, get the coffees and go meet my friends. Life could go on. I could take sleeping pills and see a doctor or a psychologist about my dreams. Eventually I could get past this.
Or.
I could stay here. Sit with Avery, listen to what he has to say. Get further tangled up in whatever mess this was. I was torn between the two. But I couldn’t wait to make a decision. And I just wanted this to be resolved. I opened my mouth to speak, perhaps to politely decline. Say that I didn’t know who Theo was, that he had the wrong person and move on. But the silent pleading of Avery’s dark eyes reminded me of another, younger pair.
“Why didn’t you save us, Theo?”
I swallowed, the words dying on my lips. Replaced by new ones. “If you get us a table, I’ll be there in a second.” I said finally, turning away before I could see his reaction. I walked back towards the counter, trying to get someone’s attention without disturbing them too much.
Eventually, a woman saw me and came over. I looked at her name tag, wanting to use her name. I explained I needed to cancel the rest of my order, just making it one coffee. No, I didn’t want a refund. It was fine. Yes, I’m sure. Yes, I hope she had a great day as well.
I would have to text my friends later, and make something up. I couldn’t very well tell them the truth.
After a few minutes, I took my steaming cup and scanned the room for Avery, seeing him circling the rim of his own drink at a table in the corner. His own drink. He had been here, probably for a while. Waiting for me? Most definitely.
Sigh.
I walked over, pulling out my seat and sitting down as he looked up at me. “Hey.” He said quietly, trying to muster a small smile. “Hey yourself.” I said, my hands cupping around my warm drink. “You already got coffee?” I asked, nodding to his cup. He nodded in return.
Part of me wanted to know what he liked in his coffee. Sugar, cream? He seemed like a cream and milk guy, no sugar. But that wasn’t important.
“How long have you been waiting for me then?” I asked, trying not to sound accusatory, but I couldn’t pretend any longer.
The smile slipped off his face, and he sat back slightly as he sighed. “A long time.” He said, looking at me, speaking before I could open my mouth again. “And yes, I’ll tell you how. I’ll tell you why. In fact, I can answer all of your questions. Because we don’t have a lot of time.” He said, before looking away.
“Because I don’t have a lot of time.” He corrected himself softly, a muscle jumping in his jaw before looking at me. I swallowed.
“I think we’d be here far past closing time if you could answer all the questions I have.” I said, my hands gripping onto my cup a little tighter.
To my surprise, however, Avery shook his head. “No. There’s a way- a way I can answer them all. Right now. Or rather, almost all of them..” He said, looking at me with such a fierceness that I didn’t dare look away from.
“How?” I asked, dubious.
Avery leaned in.
“I’m going to give you back your memories, Theo.”
-
Denial comes in many forms, but the same reason that people do it.
They don’t want whatever information to be true.
People’s reasons for this can vary, and along with it, their methods.
Some outright deny things outright. Some create excuses, an attempt at deluding themselves. Some will act nonchalant, as if the information they are receiving is humorous, and therefore can be dismissed as irrelevant. Anything to escape.
Anything to try and make sense of what’s happening.
Me? I laughed.
I let out an involuntary exhale of laughter, pushing a hand through my hair as I leaned back, my brain trying to process what I heard. “My- memories. Please, tell me you’re joking.” I said with another small laugh. A laugh to cover up the sickening churn of my stomach. “Give me- okay. I can’t even- okay. And also, my name. It isn’t Theo.” I said quickly, my words tumbling out into a ramble.
Avery simply looked calm. As if he had fully been anticipating this as my reaction.
“That is your name. And no, I’m not kidding. I know it seems ridiculous. I’ve been holding onto them for a long time. I’ve been trying to solve the problem without getting you directly involved. Because I knew once I did, I would only have one chance. And I failed. Over and over again I failed. It took me too many times to realize that I couldn’t do this without you.” He said, his words steady and sure while more questions raced through my mind.
Problem?
Failed at what?
“And you’re right.” He continued. “It would take a few days and a lot of explaining for me to tell you what’s going on. Which is why I need to give you your memories back. It’s the only way.” He said, taking his hands away from his coffee cup and putting them face up on the table towards me, a silent request to take them.
I hesitated, too many thoughts running around, trying to sort themselves out. Maybe he was crazy. Insane. Maybe he was messing with me.
A voice suddenly cut through these thoughts.
“Do you trust me?” He said softly.
Of course I shouldn’t say yes. I don’t know him. Right? I remembered my father at that moment, always telling me to make decisions with my head instead of my heart.
My head told me to say no. But my heart was louder.
He wasn’t crazy, wasn’t insane. He was Avery.
I nodded slightly. “Yeah.” I said softly.
He moved his hands closer to me.
I took a small breath, before sliding my hands into his.
His hands were warm and soft. Safe.
And they were the last thing I was aware of before everything faded to black.
-
I had to hurry.
It was almost lunchtime, and I knew he would already be waiting for me there. I needed to take a shortcut. I didn’t want to keep him waiting any longer. The note said that it was important.
I cut through Mr Pritchett’s lawn. He was running the convenience store today, so I knew he wouldn’t see me.
I ran as fast as my little legs could carry me, red in the face and wishing I had grabbed my hat as the midday sun beat down on me.
I cut through the woods, my feet splashing through the creek, not bothering to take the bridge.
I turned right, then left. Another right. I was almost at our secret spot. I could already see the field. I sped up, panting. I cleared the woods, yellow grass tickling my exposed legs, brushing against the hem of my shorts as I ran through the field, where I could see someone crouching down in the small circle clearing.
As I approached, the figure stood up and turned. A mess of dark hair and darker blue eyes turned to regard me.
“Theo!” He exclaimed, running towards me before furrowing his eyebrows. “Why are you so sweaty?” He said with a laugh.
I could feel my wavy blonde hair plastered to my face as I wiped my hand across my forehead. “You- said- it was- important…” I said, panting as I tried to catch my breath.
Avery laughed again.
“Okay maybe not that important, sheesh.” He said, turning back to pick up something off the ground I didn’t even see. “Your mom told my mom your dad was making you try out for baseball. And you’ve never played, but I have! So I brought some gloves so that we could practice so that you’re ready. Because if you make the team, we can play together next year!” He explained, taking in a big breath as he finished and holding up two gloves and a baseball with a toothy grin, his dark eyes glinting.
I let out a small laugh. This is what was so important.
“Sooo I thought we could throw it around. Get you used to it. Whaddya say? Oh! And I brought peanut butter and jelly sandwiches to split so we don’t have to go back in for lunch. You in?” He said, offering me a soft, worn leather glove.
This is what I ran all this way for. And yet- I couldn’t even be mad. It was so thoughtful. And- it was just so…Avery.
“Sure.” I said, grinning as I accepted the glove.
“Phew, alright. I promise not to accidentally hit you or anything.”
And honestly, you could never stay mad at Avery.
-
I remembered that summer was a fun one.
Sun filled days causing sun kissed skin. Scrapes and bruises as Avery taught me how to play baseball in our field. Lots of time spent in that field, our special spot where we didn’t have to follow any of the boring rules the city gave our parents for us to follow.
I remember sneaking out and watching the stars, Avery and I inseparable. Him telling me I was totally going to make the fourth grade baseball team. Me telling him to not jinx it and to give me another half of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
I remember lemonade stands and games of tag. Pretending to be knights, taking turns being the damsel in distress. I remember reading in the shade of the trees, although whenever we did, Avery would always fall asleep and I was left admiring at how the wind tousled his hair before going back to my book.
I remember Linda and Mary from down the street giving Avery and I love letters. I remember both of us saying girls were gross, and we’d never kiss one.
I remember us talking about how our parents were married. “How does that even work? You just like someone then if they like you back?” He asked one day, laying next to me in the field, watching the sun go down.
“I think the Matchmakers tell you, but yeah. You just like each other.” I said, looking over at him.
“Well I like you, does that mean we can get married?” He asked, looking over at me.
“Sure, I like you too.” I said back, smiling. He sat up. “Yeah! It’s perfect, if we get married then we don’t even have to get married to girls like Linda and Mary. Ew.” He said.
I laughed. “Ew.”
-
I remember splashing in the stream, until we were so cold we ran back to the field to lay there and dry off, before getting too hot and running back to the steam. A pattern that only stopped when the sun dipped down below the horizon.
-
I remember Avery’s stomachaches towards the end of the summer. He’d have to leave early more and more, saying he didn’t feel well. But no one could have as many stomach aches as Avery did that summer.
I remembered him telling me he was fine.
I remember the note he left on my desk a month before school started again, telling me to come to our spot. Telling me it was important. In my gut, this time I knew it really was.
I thought about what it could be as I ran through lawns and through the forest. He had been acting weird. Acting sad. Scared, maybe. I hoped he was okay. The sun was hot, but not too hot as I came into the field. I walked to the cleared out circle, but Avery wasn’t there yet. I sat down in the grassy field, waiting for him.
After a few minutes, I heard soft footsteps behind me. I didn’t need to turn around to know it was Avery. I stayed sitting, watching him walk in front of me. He looked sad, generally upset. I watched as he came and sat across from me, his arms wrapping around his legs, like he was trying to keep himself together.
He looked at the ground for a minute before looking up at me, his blue eyes pressing hard into mine, with such an intensity that he looked older, almost.
More serious. But scared. Still scared.
“I have something to tell you, but you can’t tell anyone else.” He said quietly. I nodded.
“You can tell me anything, Avery. I won’t tell anyone. Pinky swear.” I said softly, trying to crack a smile. Avery gave me a weak smile back before the serious expression stole over his face again.
He opened his mouth a few times, as if weighing his options on how to tell me. Eventually he wrapped his arms around himself tighter and just blurted it out.
“I- I have my Other Self.” He whispered, before looking down, like he was ashamed. My breath caught in my chest.
“I thought- I thought they took them away from us when we were born.”
“They are, that’s what my mom told me. She said they were the bad parts of ourselves that the good people took away from us. That’s why she said the city is so safe.” He said, trying to keep the shake from his voice.
“Don’t they have special places for our Other Selves? Don’t they-“ I started, and Avery buried his head in his arms.
“THEY DO! I don’t- I don’t know what’s wrong with me. He won’t go away. He tries to tell me what to do… he doesn’t like our school friends.. he doesn’t like Tyler. He says he’s just mean, not funny.” Avery said, his voice muffled, followed by a short, choked sob. “And he looks like a MONSTER- he- he scares me and won’t go away and he keeps trying to come out- and I feel like I’m the monster..“ Avery said, now crying into his arms.
I scrambled, scooting over to his side as I sat next to him, my arm draping around his shoulders. I was terrified. A monster? Inside him? My dad said Other Selves were dangerous. It’s what people became when they broke the rules. Then they became Lost. That the Other Self became the Lost One. And the Lost Ones were bad. There was no coming back from that.
But Avery needed me.
I leaned my head on his shoulder, hugging him close. “It’s okay, it’s okay. You’re not a monster. You’re not.” I whispered into his ear, trying to make him feel better. He sniffed, lifting his head up.
“You can’t tell anyone.” He whispered. “They’ll take me away, I know they will. I’m not normal. They’ll want to know why this is happening, they’ll think I’m dangerous.” He said fearfully, his wife blue eyes filled with tears and terror.
He didn’t have to say it. We both knew who ‘they’ were. The scary men with the white hair and white coats who took our blood every month at the center.
I shook my head violently. “I won’t let them take you, and I won’t tell. Never in a million years. Okay?” I whispered back, hugging him tight. Avery put his arms around me, hugging me back.
“You- you don’t think I’m a monster?” He whispered, clutching onto me. I shook my head. “Never.” I said, holding him tighter. I felt him relax at that, like a weight had been lifted off of his small shoulders.
I pulled back slightly, taking a breath. “He won’t.. hurt me, will he? Your Other Self?” I asked softly, looking at him. He shook his head, sniffing as he wiped his eyes.
“No.. he likes you. He says you’re a good one. He says you’re important to me. He wouldn’t hurt you.” He said, and his voice sounded sure. “He likes you a lot. I think it’s because I like you. He only doesn’t like bad people.”
I felt heat spread across my cheeks at that, but smiled regardless. “Well, if he’s a part of you then I guess I like him too.” I said, nudging Avery’s shoulder. He cracked a small smile.
“Yeah? We can still get married even if he’s with me?” He said, and I remember hugging him again.
“We can still get married.”
-
And with that, it was like it had never happened. I helped Avery try and keep him inside. To control him. I even saw him a few times. It was scary at first, his long black limbs and high voice, and his scary smile. But he was nice. Avery was right. He liked me. He never hurt me.
Everything was fine.
Everything was fine until they came to take Avery away.
-
It was dinnertime. Both our families were there, like they did every month. Avery was sitting next to me, trying to make his napkin into a paper airplane as I watched intently, the smell of food being made wafting in from the kitchen where our parents spoke in loud, humored voices.
A sudden knock on the door suddenly brought everything to a halt. Everything became a blur.
The men in the white suits with the white hair, talking to my parents. The men in black, puffy suits pushing through the door. Avery’s parents turning to him as they were informed that he still had his Other Self.
Avery’s eyes widening with fear as he realized what was happening. How did they know? I didn’t say anything. Not a word. Not to anyone.
The men in the white coats talked about experiments. For the good of the city. Something about taking Avery so they could figure out what was going on. Needing to test him, needing to keep him for a while. Avery’s parents protesting. Crying.
The men in the black puffed up suits coming to drag Avery out of his chair.
Avery struggling.
“Stop, STOP! Don’t take me, PLEASE DON’T TAKE ME.” He yelled, thrashing around. I stood up. His eyes turned to me, filled with tears. “YOU SAID. YOU PROMISED THEO. You PROMISED you wouldn’t let them take me.” He said, sobbing as the men dragged him away.
“You promised. You promised. You have to save me Theo please. PLEASE.” He yelled, tears streaming down his face.
I stood so quickly I knocked over my chair, trying to run to him, only to be picked up from behind. I could hear my parents yelling, wine glasses being dropped. I could only hear a little over the noise.
“We need this one too. He’s important. Something about him, he’s vital to this.”
I remember Avery screaming at them to put me down. To not touch me.
I remember the yells, the shouting. My parents. Avery’s parents.
“Where are you taking him? Where are you taking us?” I yelled, struggling.
I remember the man with the white hair and the white coat standing over me.
“It’s natural to be curious. But curiosity killed the cat, Mr. Shillings. It’s best if you don’t know.”
I remember the wet cloth pressed over my face as the world faded away and everything faded to black.
-
“That’s enough for now. Come back, Theo.”
-
I blinked. My eyes stung, it took me a moment to realize I was crying, my hands still clutched in a pair of warm ones. A sob rose up in my chest and Avery squeezed my hands from across the table before reaching out, taking my face in his hands gently as he wiped away the tears, his fingers gentle and sure.
Everything seemed to hit me at once. Everything that I had just seen. Just remembered. “I- I-“ I started before Avery shook his head.
“Shh, it’s okay. I know. Okay? It’s a lot right now. I’m here, it’s fine.” He said in a low voice, and I swallowed. Closing my eyes. Trying to focus on the sounds of the customers, the baristas.
Trying to focus on Avery. His hands cupping my face.
I opened my eyes, looking at him. He gave me a sad smile. “We’re going to get our lives back, Theo. I have a plan.” He said softly. I nodded.
*Theo*
I didn’t correct him. Now I knew. That was my name. It had always been my name.
“I trust you.” I said softly, taking in a small, shaky breath. “What’s the plan?” I asked, my voice still wavering, but it was sure. There were still more questions, but I knew they would be answered.
Avery would answer them. Fill in the blanks of the memories he didn’t give back, or I didn’t have anymore.
I knew everything would be fine, just as long as I had Avery.
At my words, Avery smiled.
And in that moment, I couldn’t think of anything more beautiful.
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