[June 12th, 2022 continued]
I didn’t have time to finish my last entry for June 12th. If you guessed that it’s cause everything’s going to shit, you would be correct.
It’s a miracle I was even able to post the last part, but I really wish I could’ve told you what I’m telling you now.
When we were in the bunker and I realized Jimmy was gone, I spent my last piece of false hope.
“Noah, where did you move him? Did you find another good location to hide people?”
“I didn’t move him anywhere. It seems like he’s just missing.”
Said Noah, confirming my worst fears. He walked over to the pillar and picked up broken zipties on the ground beside it.
“It looks like they were burned. He probably used his shoelaces to burn them off with friction. This is why I just use metal cuffs.”
He said matter-of-factly. I can only laugh at this interaction now. You should’ve seen the look on my face. It’s just so funny. I’m like one of those looneytunes villains that just could not get anything right. There was always some other factor that I was oblivious to until it was too late. No amount of planning would ever change the narrative that was decided from the beginning.
I began to laugh.
“Now isn’t the time to lose your wits, Melvin. The burn marks are still relatively warm.”
I sighed and fell against the wall, sliding down into a seated position.
“So you wanna go look for him?”
“He couldn’t have gotten far. He doesn’t have a cellphone, and he’s in the middle of a strange, abandoned neighborhood. He’s probably looking around, trying to stay hidden. We should go scout the area. Or I can stay at the front of the neighborhood while you watch the back. Just don’t make yourself too visible, or he won’t come out.”
I made myself stand, despite the fact that my head was spinning.
“Ok, as long as he didn’t leave the neighborhood yet we can watch…. well, he could technically cross through the woods to escape if he wanted to… but… as long as he…. as long as he didn’t…”
I couldn’t breathe. I thought I was gonna die right then and there. I ended up on my knees, crying, struggling to catch my breath. I couldn’t move my arms anymore, let alone close my hand. I’ve never felt fear like that in my entire life. For a moment, I completely forgot about Gabi, Blake, Noah, everything.
When it subsided, I saw Noah still in the room, just staring at me. I didn’t understand his lack of urgency. How could he be so calm?
“Could you…. can you look around?”
I said between labored breaths. Noah tilted his head.
“Look around?”
“For…. For Jimmy. C-Can you find him?”
I was on my hands and knees, quite literally in a puddle of my own sweat.
“Melvin, I have a question for you.”
He said, ignoring my own question. I looked at his face. It was still in that perfectly neutral expression, impossible to read. Maybe he was pulling a prank on me? Yeah, that had to be it. I let that thought lull me into a false sense of security as I got to my feet again.
“What is it?”
I managed to choke out.
“How do I know it’s not Blake in that sleeping bag?”
I didn’t understand the question. I hoped it wasn’t an accusation, but I knew it probably was. With no cohesive plan left, I just started talking.
“He was the only one in Gabi’s house besides me and her. Gabi hit the first person she saw with the blowdarts I gave her, and she put him in the sleeping bag for me. This was apparently during your shift, but I guess she forgot to notify you.”
Noah nodded.
“I see. So that’s how it played out. Ok, yeah. That makes sense. So that’s what happened…. That’s not what I was asking though.”
“Huh?”
“I’m saying how do I KNOW it’s not Blake in the sleeping bag?”
I knew what he was saying, but I was still in denial and wanting to play dumb.
“Are you saying we should check?”
“Let me give you a hint, Melvin. I know it’s not Blake in that sleeping bag for the same reason your reputation at work was mysteriously destroyed. The same reason that annoying teapot seemed to start screaming at the most annoying possible times. The same reason I was conveniently gone while Blake destroyed the first discord server, but was the only one given the link to his. You wanna know why I know for sure he’s not in that sleeping bag?
It’s cause I’m standing right here.”
I didn’t have the time or energy left to sulk about the betrayal, wonder how it made sense, or beat myself up over being fooled. Reese, Noah, Blake, they’re the same person. And the important thing is that they’re in the bunker.
Blake was here in the bunker with me. That was a good thing. If he was lying about Jimmy being a threat too, then the only threat left was the person already in the bunker with me, right? This was actually a good thing.
“Is Jimmy still alive?”
I said. Blake looked a little disappointed at my lack of a reaction, but he returned to his smug demeanor pretty quickly.
“I fed him to my new pet. You’ll be meeting him soon.”
He turned his back on me, and lingered around near the ladder. I reached in my back pocket, but found nothing. Where the fuck was my blowdart?!
“Looking for this?”
He held it up triumphantly while he turned to face me again. My blood ran cold. Of course it wouldn’t be that easy.
So, I didn’t give him time to think. I sprinted across the room right towards him. He tried to dart me, but couldn’t steady his aim in time. The dart flew past my cheek so fast I could only see the blur of movement. If it were any closer, I would’ve gone down, but I was allowed last drop of my luck in that moment.
I tackled him into the wall at waist level. He didn’t react or seem to be in any pain. He simply grabbed me by the shoulders and pushed me back. I went for a punch, but he grabbed my shoulder the second he saw me position my feet.
Apparently, it’s pretty hard to land a good punch on someone when they’re grabbing your shoulder. The angle became too awkward, and I couldn’t put any power behind the punches.
After a futile scramble, he pushed me back with unexpected force, his casual demeanor making this movement seem too sudden. Not knowing what to expect, I frantically steadied myself and held my arms in front of my face, mimicking the way the postman guarded himself.
Blake, however, was turning his attention elsewhere. He casually picked up his crowbar that was leaning against the wall nearby.
This cocky fuckhead. I was ready to wipe that smirk right off his face. How would he react if I went for a choke, ignoring the beating I took from the crowbar? I was ready to turn this into a painful, brutal battle of attrition.
Because of his elusive style, I doubted he was as used to taking beatings as I was, so this is exactly what I meant to do when I rushed him again.
I went for his neck while he acted like he was swinging the crowbar at my head. It was a fakeout. He instead changed his trajectory, swinging downward at the last second.
He shattered my kneecap, sidestepping me completely in the process. I was doubled over, screaming in pain as well as disbelief.
“When you wake up,”
He said from somewhere behind me, probably reloading the blowdart.
“Your real reality check will begin.”
A dart went into my shoulder, and the last thing I remember was him climbing up the ladder, leaving me alone in the bunker.
[June 13th, 2022]
When I woke up, I still had my belongings. I wasn’t tied up, and the hatch was open. As I stood up, I realized Blake was waiting for me to wake up. He would know when he saw me move towards the hatch, and then the other shoe would drop.
I got as close as I possibly could without being noticed. I couldn’t see what was outside, but I knew I couldn’t get any closer without alerting him. This was my one and only chance to make a run for it.
After a painful five minutes of trying my best to mentally prepare myself, I sprinted full speed, ignoring the pain in my knee. I jumped, grabbing the top of the ladder and pulling myself out of the bunker in one motion.
I wasn’t an athletic guy by any means, but I had no choice by to pull that off, so I did.
Something wrapped itself around my head. I saw the inside of its mouth for a split second, and immediately pulled myself out right before the jaw could snap shut, and probably kill me in an instant.
This all happened instinctually before I realized what was happening. Right then and there could’ve been the end, and I honestly would’ve preferred that.
Instead, I found myself staring into the eyes of an actual fucking alligator. It went for me again, and my head was once again inside his mouth.
I flung my head down, diving back into the bunker. I couldn’t climb the rest of the way out fast enough. If I tried, I would’ve been dead.
It fell down into the bunker with me right after I could scramble out of the way. It looked like it had been pushed.
As it got back to its feet, I saw the ladder being pulled up. The stupid fucking alligator chased me to the back of the bunker before I could even think about escaping. I dove to the left, then ran straight past it. Just as I got back to where the ladder was, I heard something heaving fall ontop of the latch.
[June 14th, 2022]
You’d think the alligator would get tired of chasing me after a whole fucking day and night, but it didn’t. This one would not stop running at me. It was fast as fuck too. The only way to get away from it was to run straight, then suddenly turn faster than it could process.
This meant I had to plan which direction I ran, and where I would position myself while the alligator was confused. Was this Blake’s pet? Why and how the fuck did he get an alligator in the first place? How could anyone possibly be this stupidly dedicated to fucking with one person? When was it gonna be enough? When was Blake gonna be satisfied?!
Trying to type this entry was the one thing keeping me sane. It gave me something to focus on. I noticed that whenever I got into a set rhythm, running from and dodging the alligator on autopilot, it would occasionally do something unexpected that brought me dangerously close to getting my leg bitten off.
So I did my best to type this out between brief periods of silence, when the alligator would stare at me motionless for a moment as if thinking of its next move.
“I trained this alligator to be relentless.”
I heard Blake’s voice come from the ceiling. Taking a quick glance after dodging another alligator chomp, I could see a baby monitor taped to the ceiling. I didn’t see it before. It also occurred to me that a lot of the tinfoil had been removed, making the bunker no longer a Faraday cage.
“And I haven’t fed this guy in over a week. He’s extremely hungry, and just waiting for you to run out of energy so it can eat you alive. It’s a matter of when, rather than if. Well, unless you call the police that is. Why not just do that? Why not call the police and have them come save you?”
I could barely pay attention to what he was saying while evading the gator’s attacks, but that’s basically the jist of what he said.
“You know why!”
I snapped.
“What, you think the police are after you? Surely Gabi is vouching for you as we speak, right? There’s no way she wouldn’t be defending your honor so you wouldn’t have to be arrested, right? I’m sure she’s noticed by now that you’re gone, right? Don’t you think she would notice?”
“Where is she?!”
I yelled, trying to change the subject.
“Oh, she’s at home. I brought her there before she woke up. You wanna know what she’s doing right now? She’s organizing a search party. She’s trying to use her reach to get as much help as she can to find… somebody. I wonder who?”
“Shut up!”
“I mean, it obviously has to be you, right? Cause of the connection. So why not just call her? You have her number.”
“No! Shut the fuck up, asshole!”
I spent about fifteen minutes yelling “shut up” on repeat, until my vocal chords finally gave out.
“…Why not? You don’t think she’s looking for you? You think you’re gonna go to jail?”
He asked this question over and over again in the exact same tone. He did this for four fucking hours, until I finally gave an answer.
“Yes! I’ll get arrested if I call the police and they see who I am! They’re looking for me! Is that what you want?! Are you done asking stupid fucking questions?!”
“But why? Why would they be looking for you? Surely Gabi doesn’t want you to go t-“
“It’s not Gabi, it’s the postman! He called the police!”
“Yeah but they don’t know you’re the one in the spandex suit. The police will be more concerned about the fact that you’re a missing person. Don’t you think they’ll realize you’re the one Gabi’s looking for? She’s been in contact with the local police about it for days now.”
“No, you’re lying! This is one of your pranks!”
“Ok, look it up then. There’s a video about it on youtube right now. You know what? I’ll even send a link.”
I got a message. It was a link to a video from the local news station. They briefly covered Gabi’s missing person report. The video was hard to watch while evading the gator attacks, but it was short.
“See? That’s proof. I mean, sure, they didn’t mention this missing friend of hers by name, but c’mon. We both know it’s YOU, right? I mean, haha…. who else would she be looking for?”
I ignored him this time.
“Who else, Melvin? Who else could this possibly be about? Is someone else besides you also missing? That would be one hell of a coincidence.”
He once again kept asking the question until I answered. I wanted this conversation to end as soon as possible, cause it was getting hard to drown out his voice while struggling to stay alive.
“It could be about another friend of hers. I can’t take my chances. Any unnecessary risks will…. uh… will not be… necessary. “
I was so fatigued that I was failing to make sense, but Blake didn’t seem to notice or care. He kept on with his questioning.
“That’s very interesting Melvin. A friend of hers. Like who? Do you know of any such friend?”
I kept trying to give him a satisfying answer. Someone from school, a family member, etc etc etc.
“Who else, Melvin? Who else could she be looking for? Who else? Anyone else? Anyone specific, other than you? Who else, Melvin? Who else.”
“Motherfucking….. Jimmy?! Is that what you want to hear?!”
I shouted finally. Blake was silent for a moment. I leaned against the wall, sighing with relief. Was that it?
“Jimmy? Why him? Isn’t he her abuser? Why would she look for him?”
I snapped, screaming in frustration. The alligator roared in response. The noise was deafening, but it was a nice break from the constant drone of Blake’s bottomless pit of pettiness.
When it stopped, and the ringing in my ears went away, Blake asked his question again.
[June 15th, 2022]
“I just don’t get it. If Gabi is surrounded with so many good friends she knows from Twitch, people you’ve endorsed in the past, why would she be insane enough to be looking for Jimmy? I mean, I get what you’re saying about her having a split personality, but why does it only manifest with him? Why is this the only abusive relationship in her life?
And I know its not my place to speculate, but she seems pretty sane and level-headed during her streams, don’t ya think? I don’t know, maybe there’s something I’m missing here. Could you help me understand, Melvin?”
He’d been at this for over a day. The alligator at least was taking naps periodically, but I could not for the life of me get Blake to shut the fuck up. The ceiling was too high for me to get the baby monitor and smash it. I could only wait for it to run out of battery, but it just wouldn’t.
“Blake, please.”
“I just don’t get it, Melvin. Are her friends secretly evil too? Is she not able to see their abusive behavior as well?”
“That’s probably it. They must’ve have different personalities behind the scenes.”
“Oh, ok then. Yeah, that makes perfect sense.”
There was an entire thirty seconds of deafening silence. I braced myself for the next question. It seemed that no matter what I said, Blake always found a way to “innocently” poke holes in my narrative.
“But hold on a second,”
I winced when he began speaking again.
“What about you then? If every single person in her life is someone she seeks out and surrounds herself with, because abuse is just so familiar to her, then what about you? How did you two end up with such a strong connection if she hasn’t even reached a level of healing where she could recognize the signs of a toxic personality, let alone know the difference between that and someone who genuinely has their best interests at heart?
Either way, it’s still so shocking considering how well adjusted she seems. I mean, she brings her parents on stream pretty often. It seems like her relationship with her parents is pretty healthy.
Well, I guess appearances can be pretty deceiving, like you said.
But still, how did you manage-“
“Because it’s metaphysical!!!”
“Metaphysical? What do you mean, can you elaborate, Melvin?”
“There’s a supernatural aspect to our relationship you dumb fuck! I can’t explain it, it’s beyond our fucking understanding! That’s why it’s able to work, and that is my final fucking answer!”
“Oh wow, that’s very interesting. So it sounds like a ‘soulmates’ type situation, right? I wonder if I have someone like that out there. What do you think?”
The alligator stirred in his sleep, and I reluctantly sat upright, preparing myself to start running around again.
“Hey wait a minute Melvin, that doesn’t make any sense. If this metaphysical force is allowing her to see you for who you truly are, then why not give her a call? Shouldn’t it have worked when you crawled out from under her bed the other day? Why didn’t it work then? Does it only work sometimes?”
“I don’t know.”
“You don’t know? Well, we can think about it together buddy ol’ pal. I’m sure we can get to the bottom of this.”
I don’t know why it happened then and there, but that was the moment it fully sank in that I didn’t have long to be alive. That these were my final moments. It’s hard to describe what it does to your perspective, but in any case, a few things started to click.
“Ok look, there is no psychic connection. I thought there was cause of wishful thinking, and Gabi doesn’t know who I am. But she can, if you could just let me out of here.”
“Oh, I’m sorry Melvin, but I’m too scared of the alligator to go anywhere near that bunker. If only I didn’t pull this silly little prank in the first place. Gosh dangit!”
I sighed.
“Look, I admit it ok? Gabi didn’t look at me when I sent that first donation years ago. Gabi didn’t want me in her house, and had no clue I was there. I was just trying to help, ok? There, I said it.”
“Wait, so you were just trying to help?”
“Yes, I was paranoid that someone would come after her.”
“Ah, so you still stand by the fact that you did this for her, right…?”
“Uh… Yeah. I just wanted to help.”
“Hmm… I see. So you’re not fully admitting to it. You’re trying to compromise.”
“Huh?”
“You’re trying to get off with a half-assed acknowledgement that you had ‘some things’ wrong, but you’re not willing to fully admit to your true nature, is that correct?”
“What are you talking about?! You’re not making any sense!”
“Oh, you know what? You’re right, Melvin. I just don’t see it your way because I’m simply not intelligent enough to. Perhaps I should ask more questions instead of jumping to conclusions.”
[June’s 16th, 2022]
Blake was only just getting started. His questioning would not stop. My hunger pains were driving me insane, and I’m sure the alligator felt the same way. I knew full well the Gator wouldn’t stop, and neither would this interrogation I was trapped in.
In my delirium, I ran face first into the pole in the center of the room on multiple occasions. The most recent time it happened cost me dearly.
The alligator grabbed hold of my ankle, and I didn’t have the strength to yank it out. What I saw next, I almost couldn’t comprehend. The alligator rolled, like a dog. It snapped my entire foot off in the process in one loud, nasty crunch.
The next moment was a blurr. I found myself sitting against the wall, directly across from the alligator. I watched it munch away on its new snack while I absent-mindedly tore off a piece of the spandex suit and wrapped it around my leg. It worked well enough as a makeshift tourniquet to stop the bleeding, but I now had to run on three legs in an animalistic frenzy for hours as the alligator continued chasing me with even more conviction than before.
You’d think he’d be satisfied for at least an hour, right? I didn’t care at the time, though. My mind was elsewhere.
Run. Dodge. Observe.
I had no room for any other thoughts. Blake repeated his latest question in the background, his patient tone never changing. I don’t remember when, but I eventually fell asleep.
I woke up covered in my own piss and shit. The alligator was napping as well. Blake must’ve heard me groan, cause I heard him talking again.
Talking about how delusional I was from the beginning, how I saw Gabi as a prize to be “won” because of my entitlement, and all sorts of other flaws in my thinking.
I saw my phone on the ground and picked it up. It was out of battery at this point, so I couldn’t call for help.
“Blake, my phone is out of battery.”
I said.
“So?”
It was strange. I didn’t even have the capacity to be mad at him in that moment. I noticed this fact, and although I wasn’t particularly worried, I knew I was starting to lose human consciousness. Soon it would be two lizards, chasing each other around the bunker until they both died. I needed to use the last ounce of my conscious thought to figure out a way to survive.
“Well, I can’t call for help if I can’t turn my phone on.”
“Yeah, but if you get arrested, you won’t be able to see Gabi again, right? Weren’t you going to eventually explain yourself to her in a way she would understand? Surely you’ll find a way to g-“
“No, no. Blake, I get it now. I, Melvin Greer, admit to being a creep who simped so hard for an egirl that he decided to break into her house. There it is. I am going to call the cops, and they will put me in prison once the figure out that I’m the creep who kidnapped Jimmy and attacked the postman, all because I thought I was gonna get some egirl pussy by acting ‘nice’ enough. Oh, and my stupid definition of ‘nice’ was using the excuse of vague premenitions of ‘danger’ to sneak around her house, pretending to do surveillance or something.
I think that covers everything.”
“Um…. Well I didn’t expect for you to admit to all that so quickly.”
“So, would you rather get to see me rot in prison, or just die peacefully from blood loss?”
“Oh no, you have the wrong idea, Melvin. I wanted to keep talking about Gabi with you.”
“Why?”
“Because! She’s your soulmate, is she not?”
There was an awkward pause.
“I don’t understand the angle here. Wasn’t the idea to torture the truth out of me until I was forced to confront my deepest insecurities?”
“Don’t you wanna see Gabi again? What do you think she’s doing right now? Can you remember what her face looks like?”
“She’s looking for Jimmy right now.”
“Oh no, I released him already. He’s probably blowing her back out right now.”
Before I realized what I was doing, I punched the wall, breaking every bone in my hand. The alligator, about to catch me off guard, stopped in his tracks and backed away from me. I barely noticed though.
“Yeah. She probably is, Blake. Your point?”
“Think of how deep their connection must be right now. I mean, you saw how deep it already was before. Everyone did.”
“SHUT THE FUCK UP!!! SHUT UP!! I KNOW! I ALREADY KNOW! FOR FUCK SAKE!”
“I’ve never seen two people be so deeply in love before. Has that ever happened to you, Melvin? Have you ever had a connection like that with anyone?”
“No, and I doubt you have either.”
“Don’t worry, I’m sure you will. Someday. I mean, you have your whole life ahead of you, right?”
My stomach grumbled loudly. I felt like I was about to die, and I’m not even sure if that’s an exaggeration. I forgot my emotional pain pretty quickly.
“Even this close to death, you’re still upset about-“
I started drowning out his voice again. I simply told him “You win, gg.” and left it at that.
[June 17th, 2022.]
You’re probably wondering how I was able to write down the last entry, as well as this one. No, unfortunately, it’s not because I escaped. I simply remembered the portable charger I kept in my back pocket and used it to re-charge my phone while ducking and weaving around the alligator. It’s one of the many items I would bring along with me. I think I was going for a batman kinda thing while sneaking around Gabi’s house with all my little toys and gadgets.
If you’re wondering why I didn’t call for help, it’s cause I’ve had several epiphanies.
You see, growing up I read a lot of books and watched a lot of TV shows where the main cast would be made up of different archetypes. The smart friend, the athletic friend, the comic relief, etc. Most of these shows had something in common, and it was that the protagonist was always someone you could easily project yourself onto.
The “normal” one. This normal guy wouldn’t have anything particularly interesting or unique about him like the rest of the cast, but for some vague reason, it was often implied that this is what made him the most “special” of all in the first place.
When you’re a boring kid just like him, consuming these stories and projecting yourself onto the bland, blank slate protagonist, you don’t tend to question such convenient logic because it makes you feel good.
These protagonists always get rewarded for their mediocrity in the end. There’s always one cute girl that comes out of nowhere to accept them warts and all, regardless of who he’s competing with. He’s the special underdog afterall, right? Isn’t he so deserving of pity that the universe should hand him a smokin’ hot gf on a silver platter just for being himself?
Look, I’m not saying that it’s Hollywood’s fault I became like this, just giving you an idea of what my mindset looked like. I was so attached to this idea of being that main character who was rewarded for being the normal one, that at age fifteen I found myself scratching my head, wondering why I didn’t have a girlfriend fall out of the sky yet.
And then everyone around me started working out, practicing good hygiene, getting into hobbies and being “side characters” with their own gimmicks, and they would go in and out of relationships all the time.
It never happened to me though, but that’s the thing. It doesn’t “happen” to anyone. You simply put yourself out there and start these relationships yourself.
Instead of understanding this, I got angry and impatient. It got to the point where I had no friends, hobbies, etc. I found myself being in my 20s, only interacting with people exclusively through the internet.
And then I latched onto the first streamer to give me the time of day, misinterpreted her kindness as some sort of special narrative connection that affirmed my weird beliefs about being the main character, or something, I don’t know. It doesn’t matter.
Jimmy is probably dead, and it’s my fault. This pathetic, cowardly loser took away a happy life from an actual human being. Someone who actually spent their early life improving themselves, improving the lives of everyone around him in some way, developing multiple connections that were actually important to other human beings, and just… generally having some type of value to the world.
Jimmy was part of someone’s life. HE was important to people. HE mattered and had an effect on the world around him.
I cheated him out of the life he built because I was angry that he MIGHT’VE been fucking someone I had a parasocial fixation on. I felt entitled to some girl I’ve never met, who I knew nothing about. I used all kinds of mental gymnastics to convince myself that I “deserved” her somehow, like she was some sort of prize that would prove I was important. It wasn’t even about her, it was some weird pride thing.
Jimmy deserved to live. So if Gabi and Jimmy’s family sees this, I want you to know that I am getting what’s been coming to me. I’ve been beaten into submission and forced to admit to and understand everything.
My death will be slow and painful. Blake will be verbally abusing me through the entire process. I will be dying alone.
I’m typing this last entry as I stare at the alligator again from across the room. Soon, we will both run towards each other, and one of us will win the fight.
One of us will get eaten, and the other will have a final meal. It won’t matter though, because hunger always comes back.
Even if I get the better of this alligator, even if I kill him, even if I spend days rationing his body for as long as I can, I will become hungry again.
I will always get hungry once again. It does not stop. I will consume until there is nothing left, and then I’ll simply starve to death. This hunger never goes away, and it never will. I can no longer convince myself I’d be better off continuing with my delusional bullshit.
I don’t think Gabi would want my apology, so I’ll just give you the knowledge that as you read this, I have either starved to death or been eaten alive.
It was a good run.
-
-
-
[June 20th, 2022]
Apparently that wasn’t the end. I really thought it was. When I woke up in a hospital, I was flabbergasted. I didn’t know what to think, so after looking around the room, and checking my injuries to see my knee wrapped in bandages and even more bandages wrapped around the stump where my left foot used to be, I simply layed back down and stared at the ceiling.
I was beyond exhausted, and this hospital bed was the most comfortable thing I’ve ever felt. I wondered at first if I was actually dead and hallucinating this whole experience. I remembered eating the alligator, but I don’t know if I ever finished it.
Eventually a nurse came into the room and said I had some visitors. Oh, I see now. The police must’ve found me. Jimmy must’ve told them where he was captured, and it led them to finding the bunker.
By now they know what I’ve done, and have sent a couple officers to explain to me what I’ve been charged with. Or maybe I’m being brought in for questioning first? Either way worked for me.
It wasn’t officers that came to visit me though. It was Gabi and Jimmy. I was more ashamed than surprised. I could barely look at them.
“You’re alive.”
Said Jimmy. I wonder if he’ll ever know how ironic it was, coming from him.
I’ll skip the boring details. Long story short, Gabi and Jimmy were the ones to come to my rescue. Blake had them captured somewhere else, and they found a way to escape and then set me free. Jimmy got into a breif scuffle with Blake, who escaped and is still on the run somewhere.
They found me dying in the bunker, and rushed me to the hospital.
“Why did you go out of your way to save me? I tried to leave Jimmy in the bunker to starve to death, I spent months stalking you, I did all this fucked up shit…. Why bother, if I could just put you through the same pain again one day?”
Gabi stared at me for a moment, unsure how to respond. I could see the disgust and fear in her eyes. Unconsciously, she shifted backwards an inch, closer to Jimmy. After a pause, she said;
“Because we don’t get to pick and choose who deserves to live and who doesn’t.”
I had some type of awakening in that moment. Right after she said that, something clicked in the dusty corners of my mind, and I gained a glimpse of that healthy, “normie” state of mind that most reasonable people exist in.
Of course, it was so obvious that I just couldn’t see it. Gabi and Jimmy saved my life because they are normal people, simple as that. In the minds of regular people, it isn’t all about hierarchy and manipulation, and who had leverage over who.
Some people just wanna chill and make friends, and be good to each other. It’s almost as if we live in a society.
This is how Gabi had been living her life all along. Jimmy too. There was never any competitive pissyfucking over who was the Chad that shoved simps into the locker, and who were the creepy simps who needed their comeuppance.
Me and Blake are both dumbasses. He was just as insecure as I was in his own way. He had this desire to feel “normal”, and only knew how to do that through contrast. Comparing himself to other creeps like me.
No matter how much he proved me wrong, it would never be enough. He could never convince himself that he was worthy of love, and neither could I. We were both two dumbasses, eating ourselves alive from the inside.
Gabi and Jimmy were so far removed from that darkness, that they came here today to check on me. That was quite literally the only goal. They did press charges, yes, but they weren’t here to rub it in or to say “I win”.
They didn’t like me, but they checked on me. Just to see if I was OK, then move on with their lives.
One day, I hope to be in a similar state of mind. I want to be that guy who doesn’t see everything as a contest, and just has a light inside him like those two. If that makes sense.
After they left, I noticed that I had one last message from Blake:
“Now that Gabi came to your rescue, I’m sure you think that validates all the delusions you had before. If it hasn’t happened yet, it will. You just can’t help yourself.
This bizarre need to convince yourself that you and Gabi have a connection, it will take whatever form it needs to. The narrative will take whatever shape helps it make sense, but it won’t go away.
You can never be fixed, I can see it. As soon as your prison sentence ends, even after you’re dead, you will not be able to help yourself. Your creepy neckbeard personality can not be fixed. I look forward to seeing it consume you again. I’m not going anywhere.”
The old me would’ve felt an explosion of fear and rage. Part of me knows he’s right, my mindset isn’t going to change that easily, but I can only feel bad for him now.
If I can take one step closer towards saving myself, maybe he can too. I think I owe him, since he was able to force me to look at myself for once. He’s the only person who ever found a way to make me confront my own delusions of grandeur with even a slight amount of honesty. I need to find a way to do the same for him. Maybe then, we could find a way to help each other.
This is my last entry, for real this time. I don’t know where I’m gonna go from here, but it’s up to me to figure my shit out.
I think I’ll end this with an apology, whether or not it ends up coming across as sincere, or doing any good. I think I owe Gabi and Jimmy that much.
I’m sorry for trampling over your sense of safety. I don’t know if you’ll ever be able to feel truly safe again after something like this, but I hope you can somehow find your peace again.
I don’t know if I can he forgiven or if there’s anything I could possibly do to make up for my actions, but I’m willing to try. No matter what your demands are, if you ever have any, I will find a way to meet them.
Words can not describe the amount of appreciation I have towards both of you for keeping me alive. I realize now that every day is a gift that could never be earned, especially for someone like me.
There’s so many years of happiness I could’ve lost if you chose not to go out of your way like this, and nobody would blame you. I was willing to take away your lives, and yet you still decided to protect mine.
I don’t know how to thank you, but I promise to be good.