I’ve typed this out time and time again only to delete everything and have my consciousness screaming inside my head “JUST TYPE”. Right now I don’t feel anything. I finally took a leap to create an anonymous account and share the inner workings of my brain to the internet so my feelings are shut off. When it comes to computers a majority of problems are solved by shutting it off and turning it back on, we all know emotions do not work along those lines. Shut yourself off from your thoughts and feelings as much as you want they always creep back in and leave you internally screaming into the dark and the dark does not give a fuck about you. Darkness is the endless void of nothingness from which we all came, we don’t remember it, and it does not remember us. But alas, out of the darkness, here we are. I guess I’ll share.
I’ve been shot in every limb. The torso, neck, head, you name it,I’ve had a bullet explode it.
I’ve been lit on fire, burning until the only proof I once existed is the ash blowing away in the wind.
I’ve had my neck cut open with a chainsaw to slowly bleed to death while the rest of my limbs were dismembered - they were idiots though, removing my limbs ended it quicker.
I’ve splattered on pavement going terminal velocity.
I’ve split my soul in two being forced to murder.
I’ve laughed hysterically looking into the eyes of the devil.
I’ve lost love.
I digress.
What do you know about dreams? I personally enjoy thinking I know a lot - but dreams are one of those tricky subjects where the more you know the less you understand. One thing I can confidently say I do understand is pain. Emotional and physical. I’ve experienced it enough in my dreams. The memories plague my consciousness even while awake. Burned so vividly into my soul no matter how deeply I suppress them they pop back into my consciousness leaving my body shuddering before I can suppress them once again.
I suppose I’ll share the feeling before I continue because I assume you, dear reader, are curious. Uncontrollable racing of the mind so overwhelming you cannot process anything else. All you feel is pain. Your neurons fire so rapidly in your brain it’s impossible to feel or think of anything else. Then there is a calmness as you feel the neurons firing - slow. Only they are not slowing. Less neurons are firing because they are dying, as are you. Then a strange calmness washes over you. The black void is back and slowly envelopes you. Do not embrace it willingly with open arms, remember the void does not give a fuck about you, nor should you it. The poet Dylan Thomas put it elegantly at the close of one of his poems. “Do not go gentle into that good night. Rage, rage against the dying of the light.” But alas, when a bullet explodes your brain you do not have much choice in the matter I suppose. You’ll wake up once the darkness spits you back out, disgusted your soul wishes nothing more than to live. Rage.
Life is an interesting topic. Clinging to light, born in darkness, nothing matters more than to simply exist. To live. To Survive.
My existence and I suppose consciousness were fractured rather recently. After all of my experiences with death and emotion what finally broke me was a simple breeze. A slow rolling wind kissed my cheek softly and whispered in my ear. It was the sort of experience I have only had whilst dreaming. The message was short, the meaning clear. For a short instance everything was frozen. I’m sorry… I am having a hard time finding the words. Have you ever caught a lover cheating? Received news a person who was your world had suddenly passed? Your mind races, it cannot possibly be true. Struggling to accept the reality your world collapses in on itself. You scream internally while struggling to breathe, you don’t want to breathe, you don’t want to live, nothing matters anymore. Emotions so vividly coursing through your mind and veins every muscle in your body contracts but you barely feel it. Your very existence in the moment is nothing but agony. The pain is emotional but you feel every ounce of it physically. I’ve experienced it enough in dreams that experiencing it while awake I simply froze. It helps that I knew it was coming. I thought we would all have more time.
Now my readers it is time for some of you to go. Thank you for reading so far and best of luck. I hope that you pray to whatever higher being you believe in and pray for their mercy. You’ll receive none from me.
The whisper - while beautiful - was death. The agony, pain, and despair of an entire plant full of life conveyed in one quiet whisper delivered with a soft kiss on the cheek conveying everything will be okay in the end. Sadly we have not reached the end just yet.
The scientists are wrong. We crossed the threshold a while ago. The chain reaction has begun and there is not a damn thing we can do about it. Our world is dying slowly but will rapidly accelerate.
I’ll save you the rant about the entire chain reaction and get right to why my existence is fractured. Life rages against the dying of the light. Life finds a way to keep living. Yes, sometimes a life must sacrifice itself for the greater good of all life but the driving factor is the same - to keep living. An ant does its duty so the colony may survive. An old or sick wolf leaves its pack so as to not be a burden and ensure the pack’s survival. A plant grows in odd/unusual ways to find a source of light to maintain its own existence. This is why I am fractured. A vast majority of humans are corrupt and devoid of the basic principle of life - to keep living. Are we a virus?
Every single day I watch as the world slowly dies around me and a vast majority of people don’t give a single fuck. I am fractured. I die quickly in my dreams and watch as the world slowly dies around me while awake. There is no god. We killed god, and god remains dead.
The breeze was warm.
The devil’s eyes are yellow - I saw them while awake.