I promise I haven’t been abusing my girlfriend. Please help me try and figure this out. I’m on a train home so I’m sorry if there are any spelling errors, I’ll clarify what I can in the comments.
Up until this afternoon I think I had a pretty good life. I’ve recently graduated from university, and had been taking some time out to travel. France, Italy, Germany and The Netherlands were my top destinations. I’d been doing it solo for the experience. I’ve never gone travelling before, never even left my home county for an extended period of time.
I’d been gone three months. It had been fairly quiet actually, just checking out the sights, but I’d always video call Erica and my family each night.
Erica’s my girlfriend, and she had always been really quiet. She’d hang out at the back of groups, and wouldn’t raise her hand to contribute to projects. This seemed amplified when she was around me. If I made a suggestion, she’d go along with it. I can’t sit here and say that it didn’t have it’s advantages sometimes, but it always made me feel a bit weird. There were times where I would suggest something I knew she wasn’t a fan of, like eating at a Chinese restaurant, and she’d automatically say yes.
The first couple of weeks had been really hard for her. She’d been crying and saying she missed me terribly, which again was odd. I knew it would be hard on her, but not this hard. Erica was my first serious girlfriend too, and it wasn’t nice seeing her sad.
Travelling was a breeze though. Everyone was so nice and accommodating. If there was one character trait I had, it was charm. I was normally able to get my group free entrance to a club, free meals and food, and generally was capable of getting what I wanted. I know this makes me sound like an arsehole, but if you were able to ask for anything and have it given to you, wouldn’t you take it?
I’d taken acting lessons from three, and had been given all the top parts that a young child could get. From there I kept getting the lead in school plays and performances. This translated into my general grades - every class I’d get marked a little bit higher and ended up with all A*s. From GCSE’s to A Levels up to University, my grades were basically perfect. Except for Religious Studies, I could never get too grips with that one. Before I met Erica, I was popular with women - in clubs they’d come up and chat and flirt and give me their numbers. If I ever suggested we go some place else, it tended to lead to more if you catch my drift.
I was also really good at making friends easily. If I set my sights on someone, we built up bonds really fast. That’s how I got with Erica. I spotted her in a bar and for some reason was really pulled towards her. We just had this electric chemistry, the kind where you look into someones eyes and you know you need to learn more about them.
I pulled her for a chat and we got on incredibly. She’d say later that she felt a deeper connection with me than anyone in her entire life, even her family. I thought that was pretty weird personally - she had a fantastic relationship with her parents and siblings, but she’d always insist she was closest to me. We’d basically been inseparable up until that point, and have been together three years.
I’m not bringing all of this up to brag, even though it seems like it. I’m telling you this because if I was this horrific person, I wouldn’t be able to do all of this. I wouldn’t have friends and have so many people like me from my teachers to my friends.
Anyway, this morning I’d woken up on the ferry from Amsterdam to Harwich in England. I’d checked my messages like I did at the start of the day, and Erica had texted.
She said she was breaking up with me.
This had floored me. Over the past couple of months I’d been away she’d been getting more and more distant. Not in a noticeable way, just subtle things. She’d scroll on her phone more when we chatted, wouldn’t fall asleep on the phone with me. These all make me sound really controlling, but it isn’t like that - I wouldn’t mind these things if they weren’t so out of character for her.
Even still, her change of demeanour was odd. Before I’d left we’d been doing incredibly, we were evening thinking about renting a place. To go from that to this was bizarre.
Worse, she was due to pick me up from Harwich. In her text she said she would still do it, but it felt off. Who wants the person that’s breaking up with them to drive them back home? I sure as hell didn’t. But I didn’t have an option.
I got off the ferry a few hours later and, after going through check in, I found Erica in her car. The moment she saw me, she jumped out and raced over to hug me. I was a good foot taller than her, but she nearly knocked me over with how fast she ran.
‘I missed you!’ She said.
I put my bags down and hugged her back. ‘Thanks, I think.’
Then she pulled away with tears in her eyes. ‘I was so stupid to think about breaking up with you, I’m sorry. Can you forgive me?’
Her pleading tone made my stomach drop. There was something so pathetic about it, so grovelling. Discomfort rolled around in my stomach, but I said, ‘Yes, of course, we don’t need to break up if you don’t want to babe.’
She started crying hard. Deep, echoing sobs. People around me began to stare. I went to pull her closer to me but she pulled away. Erica backed up until she was pressed against her car door.
‘What’s going on?’ I asked her.
I can’t think of another way to explain this, but it was as if her mouth was moving by itself. It seemed like every muscle in her face was trying to fight against it. Her eyes were bloodshot,
‘Nothing,’ She said through gritted teeth, ‘I’m just so happy you’re here. I’ve missed you so, so much. I want to spend the rest of my life with you.’
If anyone was watching, it looked as if I was forcing her at gunpoint to say those things. I’ve never abused her once, I don’t even think I’ve ever raised my voice towards her.
‘Erica, what’s-‘ I had tried to say, but she was gone. In the span of ten seconds she’d opened the passenger seat door, scrambled across to the drivers seat, stuck the keys in the ignition and sped away from me. The sound of the rubber screeching along the floor made me shudder, and she accelerated so quickly that a passing family yelled at her to slow down.
I stood there for I don’t know how long. It must’ve been a good few minutes, because a security guard came over and asked if everything was alright. When I turned to face him, his stern demeanour seemed to change into a warm smile.
‘Yeah, I think my girlfriend just broke up with me,’ I said as I rubbed the back of my neck.
‘Ah well,’ he said, ‘Fuck her, you seem like a wonderful lad, her loss.’
He stared at me for a while. I smiled back politely, picked up my suitcases and started to walk to a bus stop. Every time I turned around he’d still be watching me.
At this point, I was concerned, but also pissed off. Wouldn’t you be if your girlfriend had turned up, said how much she missed you and then drove away? I walked over to the nearest bus-stop, carrying three months worth of travel gear with me. The bus stop was more or less deserted, save for a few dock workers finishing their shifts.
Then my phone rang. It was Erica. I debated not answering, truth be told. But I wanted to know why.
When I answered, I heard nothing at first. Then the breathing started, so close to the microphone I pulled it away from my ear. It sounded like she’d been dry-heaving. Occasionally a wet, shattered sob broke through.
‘Why do you keep doing this?’ Her voice crackled. ‘Why?’
‘Erica, I don’t know what you mean. What have I done?’
‘I didn’t want to be around you, I didn’t want to come and see you, I didn’t want to pick you up but I did and now it’s back in my head again.’
‘I don’t know what you’re on about. If I’ve done something to upset you, then-‘
‘You do this to me,’ she hissed, ‘I’ve been able to think clearly for months and now all I can think about is you and how much I love you, but it’s wrong. It’s all wrong. I don’t love you.’
My stomach flipped. ‘Then break up with me then.’
There was a pause. A long one.
‘You need to stop doing it to people.’
‘Doing what? I’ve not fucking done anything!’ I snapped.
‘They change when they’re around you. People aren’t themselves with you. You do something to them, and I don’t know what. I felt so sick when you left. I physically couldn’t eat, or sleep. Everything hurt because of how badly I wanted you. I felt my entire body begging to see you. And then it went, and I could think, and I looked at you on video and I didn’t feel anything. I didn’t find you attractive or funny or kind or anything.’
‘Why are you telling me this? Just break up with me.’
‘But then I saw you,’ her voice was garbled, ‘I saw you and I thought you were the most beautiful person I ever met. I thought we could get married and have kids and live together, but we can’t. Because I shouldn’t feel this bad when you go. It’s like I retreat into myself, like I can’t get the words out properly. When I’m around you I feel paralysed.’
She had begun to cry again. I didn’t know what to say.
Finally, she said, ‘You’re controlling me somehow. I need it to stop. I don’t want you in my head anymore.’
Then she took in a deep breath, and said, ‘I don’t want it looking at me anymore.’
Then she hung up.
I’m posting this here because if I post it anywhere else people will think I’m an abusive arsehole. I promise I have never tried to control her in my life. I would never want my partner to feel like this. But I can’t understand why the fuck she’s behaving in this way, as if I was somehow magically controlling her every action. What’s fucking with me is the ‘it’ part. I know she might have gone absolutely crazy, but it’s set me on edge. Has anyone else experienced someone saying stuff like this? I could really use some support.
Right now I’m on the bus home, still lugging all my shit around. It’s a four hour journey there via train to and then through London, so I’m going to think on this myself. I’m going to get home, rest, and then try contacting her again to talk things out. I don’t want to leave them like this. Thanks in advance.