POLICE RADIO LOG TRANSCRIPT #42066669, FILE #19 [Redacted] UNIT #217 OFFICER DALE DONKADORRIO
Dispatch: All units in the [Redacted] area, do you copy? Over
Officer DD: Yeah, Shirley, I’m here. What’s going on? Over
Dispatch: Got a distressed call from the old Remington house, lady said her husband turned into a cheeseburger. Says he’s dripping all over the place, sounds like a real mess. Over
Officer DD: A cheeseburger, huh? Well call me Patty and slap my buns, sounds like my kind of party. Over and out
This is the only proof I was able to snatch up before I ran off. This is the only way anyone might believe that this whole thing is real.
I thought it would be over once the police came. I stared anxiously out our bedroom window and when I saw Officer Dale, I bolted down the stairs and passed my husband, sputtering out what must’ve have sounded like nonsense to the officer.
“Now, now dear, slow down. What’s this I hear about a cheeseburger being in the house?” He spoke to me slowly, like I was a child. I knew right away he thought I was crazy.
“He’s in there!” I pointed inside. “See for yourself.”
He had me sit up front in the cruiser while he calmly walked to the front door. In my panic, I had left the door open, so he slightly pushed to get a better look into the kitchen. They started speaking, and shockingly enough, Dale began to laugh. He closed the door and slowly trotted toward the car.
“I think you better come down to the station. Got important things to talk about.” Before I could offer a response, his door was shut and he was speeding to the police headquarters.
We walked inside and he left me with Shirley at the front desk while he went to fire up some coffee for us in his office.
“First time?” Shirley asked, giving a shy, knowing smile.
“.. what do you mean?” I asked. I have a clean record and I didn’t want her to have any suspicion I was here for breaking the law.
“Sometimes it takes them a little longer. Yours must really love you.”
What the hell did that mean? I stared at her pink face in confusion, feeling less at ease with every second that passed.
‘I fucked up calling these guys,’ I thought to myself.
“Do you have a record of my phone call? Is there anyway you could print it out for me?” I wanted to get my paperwork and call paramedics, see if they’d be better help for my husband.
“Come on back, I’ve got some coffee and doughnuts!” officer Dale called. He stood in the doorway of his office, a steaming cup of coffee in one hand and half of a chocolate frosted doughnut in the other. I slipped the still warm sheet of paper from the report Shirley printed me under the back of my shirt and into the waist of my jeans. With how Officer Dale handled my husband, I wasn’t about to let him see it.
He stood behind his desk as I made my way into an uncomfortable box shaped seat the color of caramel.
“This town has big secrets. You know that, don’tcha?” He chewed loudly in between words, with a few crumbs getting stuck in his mustache when he said ‘don’tcha’. I shook my head.
“I have no idea what you’re talking about.”
He scarfed the rest of his doughnut down and grabbed two more from the box.
“I tried to get him to tell you. A man has his needs, Carrie. They need to be met. They need to be fed.” He forced two doughnuts at once into his mouth, and I watched in horror as his lips grew and spread over them, fitting and swallowing them easily.
“What the fuck?!” I cried in disbelief.
His body seemed to react in satisfaction to my shock. His stomach ballooned out, popping his buttons and pinging them off the front of his desk and onto the floor. The large bowtie nose taking lead of his face flared at me triumphantly, while his munchkin eyes glazed over and mini cinnamon twist eyebrows puckered. His French cruller lips began to twitch.
”Heeeeeeeeeee!” He exclaimed, producing a fluffy sound that only the 1969 version of Frosty the Snowman could make. He pumped one bear claw fist hard into his abdomen, squirting Bavarian cream and raspberry jelly out of his mouth, drenching everything in his path.
Warm, spoiled cream and sticky jam dripped down my head and the front of my shirt. I hurriedly wiped away what I could to clear my vision, and just as I could see, he boomed around the table. Chocolate sprinkles rained from both crew cut and mustache as each of his thunderous steps squished through his assorted fillings. With one mighty leap, he doughve towards me.
It wasn’t until he was hanging onto my arm that I came to my senses. I slipped away and raced down the hall, thankful that his glaze hadn’t fully set.
I ran until I reached the pizza parlor off Main st., stopping to catch my breath and try to make some sense of what I had just witnessed. Was I losing it? Had to be. I flaked the now dry glaze off my arm where Officer Donkadorrio grabbed me and felt around my body, making sure he didn’t somehow injure me in our quick scuffle. My hand brushed over something under the back of my shirt.
‘Of course! The transcript.’ I thought, relieved. No one could argue this was all in my head; I had official proof right here that I had not only called, but that both Shirley and Officer Dale weren’t at all disparaged by my claims. In fact, their conversation made it clear that this wasn’t out of the ordinary at all for them.
A man in a black cowboy hat stood eating a slice of pepperoni pizza, cheese hanging down the front of his blonde goatee.
“Sir, can you do me a favor and just read this out loud to me,” I pleaded. I needed to know for sure that I hadn’t created this in my head, transcript and all.
He read the form in under a minute and gave me a quizzical look.
“You’re new to this, eh?” He chuckled. The cheese I mistook for facial hair oozed down his chin and under his neck.
I stared at him in horror and slowly backed away before I jumped into an all out sprint. I was able to make my way to the campus down the street and into the library. I could have messaged a hospital on this computer, but even with the stamped transcript as proof, I doubt I can trust any of them either. This is the only place I could think of that’s safe.. where should I go? Who can possibly help me now?