My lights keep flickering… Whenever I feel the darkness incoming. On, off, on, off. I’ve been through some awful ordeals in my life and wherever I go, they follow. On, off, on, off. I hated it, like a sign something awful had happened. I’d look up and there she’d be, flickering the damn lights.
The first time I miscarried I looked up to god and begged for forgiveness but filling his space, she was there, flickering the lights.
The first time I was sexually assaulted and I led there, so still, she was there.
The first time I almost died by the hands of another, tried to follow the light to my eventual demise… She was there. All I wanted was a peaceful end to this nightmare, but I was startled back to breathing by the light flickering in my cornea.
Eventually… I couldn’t take anymore, I decided enough was enough. To take control into my own hands. I searched my house for something sharp enough and led back to feel the sweet release of that light finally going out…
But again, there she was, my wonderful sister who’d saved me from it all. Her dark curly hair flowing in an ethereal breeze, her perfect hazel eyes willing me to exist…
The next morning I opened my eyes and thanked my sister for her efforts. I saw a doctor, a therapist and eventually changed my life, to some extent,… We all make decisions that may seem good at the time, I’m very thankful she’s around…. Since the last day I saw her physically, I’ve always noticed she’d around, guiding me in the right direction or letting me know she’s around.
Like;
During the struggle having my first child, I looked up in the delivery room and saw the light flicker, willing me to go on. When I had to escape my child’s father through a small basement window, I saw the small light behind me swing and flutter. The same man who later tried to get my child taken away, the light switched so violently it blew up sending shards into his mouth and eyes in a bloody mess.
I eventually settled into what seemed like such an amazing relationship, until one night staring directly into the light above my bed it started to sway violently toward my “significant others” wardrobe. Curiosity got the better of me. Inside I found a box full of drug paraphernalia, not the kind I’d condone, especially around a young child. I sobbed deeply into my pillow that night, watching my baby sleeping so peacefully, his nightlight gently flickering on, off, on, off.
The next day we packed up and left, what I thought was my peace became somewhat of a nightmare after he chased us so far across so many states.
The last time I ever had to face a nightmare was when he came for us. Shacked up in that dingy hotel I didn’t even know existed, but somehow he had found… My boy sleeping so soundly next to me, the door broke in.
I let out a scream and closed my eyes so tight I saw nothing but a bright, white, light. But then, nothing? Nothing happened. Was I dead. Is this what’s next.
Slowly, I opened my eyes once more. There I saw him, glass and wire filament jutting from his bare skull.
We were free once more.