So for a little bit of background, I (26f) was molested by my uncle when I was 8 years old. I told my family what was happening and fortunately, was believed. He was convicted and sentenced to prison for 60 years. (He was also convicted of manslaughter).
The molestation began shortly after my brother died. (I am a triplet with two older half sisters.) My brother and grandmother were in a horrible car accident killing both on impact. Things were very unstable for a few years. My mom didn’t properly heal and instead focused her attention to the party lifestyle until I was 11 years old.
Fast forward some years, I served 6 honorable years in the Marine Corps and was discharged in 2020. I have to note that during my service, I was an alcoholic and caused much hurt to many people. I did not treat people fair and was a complete asshole.
When I was discharged, I had to move in with my mom while simultaneously working with her and was very depressed. I began snapping at my mom over little things and escalated it to the point where my mom didn’t feel comfortable being around me. She was scared of me. I never hurt her physically but I could hurt her with silence. I would felt guilty every time i treated her like that and could never understand why. I initially summed it up to be me not forgiving for how we grew up poor. In addition to that, my mom lacked affection and love towards us.
After living with her for almost a year, I was able to move out and get my own apartment. I thought this would be good for our relationship, but it made it worse. She would always come over and attach herself to my plans. This started to cause problems because she would change my plans and make everyone do what she wanted to do. I finally had enough and to her I needed some space from her.
A couple weeks go by and I meet my aunt for lunch. I started to vent to her about my mom and next thing I know, I’m being told the family secrets. Eventually, this led me to be reminded of a memory I had surprised. My aunt mentioned how my mom was trying to have my uncles sentenced reduced by having me write letters to him when I was about 10 years old. I never questioned writing the letters, but had always felt slightly uncomfortable writing him.
When I heard this, it tore me apart. To know my mom would chose her brother over her child … broke me. After some time I told my mom that I needed more time away from her and to not contact me unless I contact her. I didn’t explain what I had just found out, but she sadly understood.
Here’s my problem though, when I told my mom I needed space, it just so happened to be right before all the holidays and family birthdays. So I have since seen her at least once a month over the past 6 months. Every time I see her, I see the hurt in her eyes. I see how she greets me like a stranger. It makes me feel guilty that I am “punishing” her so I can heal, but I feel I rightfully deserve this time.
So why do I feel guilty?