Thursday, August 23
Dear Diary,
I’ve always wanted to say that lol, this is my first entry after move-in weekend. My mom bought me this journal to document my college experience and I’m finally putting it to use! College is so exciting, I’ve met so many new people already and it’s literally just the first day. My roommate Dani is super nice and has already set up her side of the room, so now I’m working on putting everything together to get ready for our first week of classes. My neighbor down the hall said they’re having a party tonight at her friend’s house and I’m invited !! COLLEGE IS AWESOME !
Sunday, August 26
What a weekend !! I was so busy I didn’t even have time to write. Dani and I have gone out every day to explore the campus and every night we’ve found a party or just hung out with all of the people in my dorm. She is super cool, and so freaking pretty too. Something about her sandy blonde hair and cute smile is so cute, but I’m getting ahead of myself lol. There are so many pretty girls in my hall in general, and so many that are so much fun to be around ! I already know college is gonna be so much fun. I can’t believe classes start tomorrow !!
Tuesday, August 28
Just got back from Chem, I can tell its gonna be super hard :/. I’m so glad that Dani is going pre-med as well tho, we’re gonna be able to help each other study and keep our grades up ! We’re both in the same Bio class and we have the same teacher for chem just different classes. Last night we stayed up until 4AM talking about our dreams and goals. I just feel like I can be so vulnerable around her, she is so thoughtful and caring. And have I mentioned how hot she is ?? Idk I hate to say I’m getting a crush on her, I know its literally been a week since we met. But there is something special about her, for some reason I think she feels the same about me too :)
Monday, September 3
School is settling in, and after my first weekend of homework I’ve realized this is no joke. I have my first test tomorrow and I’m terrified. I’m planning on studying with Dani tonight which is good, but still nervous. She is soooo smart its crazy. And fun, and hot, and cute, and…. lol. I think I’m losing my mind. I love her aesthetic too, she’s been teaching me about crystals and the tarot cards - weird stuff hahah. I honestly don’t know if I believe that any of the stuff she talks about is real, like the powers they give off and stuff, but I could listen to her talk about it all day long. I hope she likes me too… ugh i hate crushes they drive me crazy !
Tuesday, September 4
BIG NEWS: Okay so last night Dani and I were studying, laying down on her bed and scrolling through notes. I was joking around and she tackled me, and we wrestled around a bit and anyway.. WE KISSED !! Oh my god when I say the butterflies shot through me like crazy I couldn’t contain myself. I will keep you updated as soon as I have more updates but OMMGG !!
Friday, September 14
The last week flew by, I’ve spent nearly every moment of my day with Dani. Her gorgeous blue eyes are swimming pools of ocean blue water that I want to spend the rest of my life wading in. Whether we are in the library studying for tests or just hanging out in the room I feel my body attracting to hers like a magnet. She is indescribably beautiful from head to toe. To be honest I hate even leaving the room with her because I know how attractive she is to other people and I want her all to myself. I see people in the library stealing glances at her, boys offering her coffee and asking to help study as well. But she is with me and she is mine, I know because of how she looks at me. I’ve been dying to kiss her again, but she’s playing so hard to get it drives me insane !!
Sunday, September 16
I’ve got an awful hangover and I’m afraid I did something messed up last night. Dani and I went to a party and I saw her flirting with another guy. In my head I knew it was no big deal, but inside I was burning up with rage and jealousy. The idea of Dani with someone else was eating away at me until I couldn’t take it anymore, and I might have gotten in a fight with the guy. I don’t remember too much to be honest, I was really drunk, but I woke up with all of these scrapes on my knees and a huge bruise on my left forearm, and feel like I vaguely recall shoving a guy into a wall at some point. I have to apologize to her, that is so unlike me ! I would never do that normally, I’ve never gotten in a fight in my life! This is so weird ..
Thursday, September 20
This has been probably the hardest week of my life. Not only have I had 4 tests in the last 4 days, but Dani has been spending less time with me. I guess what I did at the party last week really freaked her out. God I’m so fucking stupid. I ruined my chance with the most beautiful girl of my dreams. She still is nice to me and we still hang out, but she has started to go study with other people and I feel so annoyed that I wasn’t invited. I mean we still studied alone together Monday and Tuesday, but last night she went to the library with this guy Stephan from her English 101 class. God the idea of her in the library alone with him made me want to break everything in our dorm. I ended up going to the library too and sat within eye-shot of them, but they couldn’t see me from behind a row of computers. It was the only way I could keep my mind off of them being alone together without me. I’m not crazy right ? No girls do this for each other, we have to watch each other’s backs! I’m just making sure she’s safe.
Friday, September 28
School isn’t going well, my test scores keep going down and down. Even though I’m studying as much as possible I can’t seem to keep up. I was a straight A student in high school, but my grades are slipping into low B’s and even one C. The worst part is Dani is spending less time with me than ever - studying without me at least once a week, getting lunch with friends from class and not inviting me. I even caught her talking about a party tonight with our neighbor that she didn’t invite me to !! They both said the neighbor just brought it up to her, but I know she’s trying to get away from me, to leave me behind. I need her to know how I feel about her, I need her to know I think about her night and day, that I think we were meant to be together. I have to profess my love before she sneaks out of my sight, but I’m so afraid. God high school was so much simpler than this !!
Monday, October 1
I can’t believe she would do this, today of all days. Its the first day of Midterms, and she’s off at the library studying with Stephan again. She knows I exist right ?? I told her how much I needed her help this week and how I don’t like her spending time with other people when we should be studying together… jesus i sound crazy right now. I’ve never been so attached or jealous in my life. I honestly need to focus on myself right now to get my grades up, but everytime I sit down without her my stomach sinks into a bottomless pit of fear and insecurity. I just want to make sure she is okay… that we are okay. Sometimes I disassociate into a daydream of the time we kissed and play that memory on repeat to try and calm myself down. Maybe I should go sit in the row behind the computers again and watch them, just to keep her safe. Yeah, I need to keep her safe from everyone else.
Saturday, October 6
Midterms are officially over !! Thank god, that was probably the most stressful week of my life thus far. Tonight there is a massive party happening off campus that my whole floor is going to, its gonna be so much fun ! I wonder what Dani is gonna wear…
Sunday, October 7
I fucked up.. Oh god. I’m dying internally right now, my insides have been ripped out of me. I told her how I felt about her last night, and she rejected me. I have been crying for hours and hours in our room, I can barely write. I was so drunk, and we were having so much fun, and next thing I know she is dancing on some guy, and then I remember getting held down by several people and her crying, she ran and I ran after her, and I spilled my guts out to have her tell me she is straight and our kiss meant nothing to her. IT MEANT NOTHING ?!?!? I am inconsolable, distraught, alone. I don’t think I’m ever getting out of bed, I can’t take it right now.
Someone please put me out of my misery !!
Wednesday, October 17
I haven’t seen Dani in a week, since she came and grabbed a bag of her stuff. Well, I haven’t talked to her since then. She won’t even sit next to me in our bio class anymore. She has been spending all her time with Stephan - studying, eating, sleeping, you name it. I see them strolling around campus together, and I’ve even caught them holding hands a few times. He lives off-campus in an apartment half a mile away from our dorm, and I’ve seen them walk home together every night avoiding our dorm entirely. There have been nights I followed them, just to make sure she was safe. I remember the first night I was there I stayed from 4-11pm, just pacing around on the street below, until I saw the second story light flip off for the night. I can’t believe she would just leave me like this, go no contact and abandon me. We are meant for each other, can’t she see that? We are perfect for each other, and now she is in the clutches of Stephan who is probably tormenting her right now, keeping her from me. Dani knows what we have and Stephan is beyond jealous of it - I have to keep her safe from him.
Tuesday, October 23
I can tell things are getting out of hand, that my affection has turned to an obsession. I never wanted to be like this, and I know it’s not me. But something about Dani drives me to the edge of my wits and forces me into a state of insanity. I’ve never been like this before, and I can tell my grades and mental state are drastically suffering from it. I’ve been sleeping in and missing classes every day, finding myself setting up in my perch behind the computers at the library waiting to see if she will come in to study with him today. I spend my lunches not eating but waiting, looking into the sea of the cafeteria just in case she makes an appearance. I can’t even bring myself to talk to her anymore - but I have to watch. I need to know she is okay. I want more than anything to rekindle our relationship. Hopefully this Stephan phase will pass and she will come back to the dorm with me and we can kiss as much as we want and stay up talking and loving and get back to the way things were.
Friday, November 2
Well I just failed my bio test lol. That’s what I get for skipping the last 2 weeks of classes. I just can’t stand to be in the same room with her and her knowing that I’m there. I’m so afraid of hurting her but so enraged that she’s able to just move on. Honestly might just kms, the pain I feel isn’t worth it anymore. I miss her so fucking much.
Saturday, November 10
It’s getting colder on campus. I’ve been finding it harder and harder to get out of bed, just thinking about how cold and empty it is outside. Dani texted me that she’s coming over today to pick up more of her winter clothes, so I’m very anxious about that. I need to look good, to be on my absolute best behavior to win her back. I need everything to go perfectly.
Monday, November 12
Just when I thought things were going to get better, everything got so much worse. Dani came over Saturday, and I finally had a chance to apologize for anything I’d done wrong. She was so forgiving and we hugged tightly, gripping each other to regain the long lost scent of love we both have longed for. I said how much I couldn’t wait for her to move back in, for how much fun we could still have the rest of the semester. That’s when she dropped the bomb that she wasn’t moving back in - that she was moving out to live with Stephan.
That fucking snake! I couldn’t help but lose my temper, expressing how bad he was for her and trying to show her how she’s being hypnotized by him. And for some reason she recoiled from my affection by defending him! I couldn’t help but scoff at her ignorance, the audacity to attempt to protect him after what he did to us. I told her that whatever he had done to her I can undo, that I can keep her safe from him. But nothing got through, nothing it all. My pleas fell on deaf ears, and she left me standing there to watch her leave like sirens watching a ship pass right by their shore. I cried all day yesterday, and laying in bed was the only thing I could manage to keep my wrists intact. She was stolen from me, and took my will to live with her.
Saturday, November 24
It’s Thanksgiving weekend and I haven’t left my dorm. Everyone is home for the holiday but I told my family that I needed to study for my Finals to make sure I don’t fail. But that’s a lie, i haven’t studied in months. I haven’t eaten in 2 days, nor have I slept more than an hour at a time. I’ve just been staring at the ceiling, spiraling around and around in the pain of losing Dani, circling like a vulture hovering over the dead carcass to be its next meal. I really feel that life isn’t worth living anymore, that I am the dead carcass laying on the ground. The weight of the world has been crushing me since I confessed my love to Dani almost 2 months ago, and I don’t know if I see another way out. She and I were meant for one another, I know I have never felt a spark like hers. And yet she’s now fallen under the spell of this frivolous boy who knows nothing of love, of heartache, of the depth of emotions Dani and I shared together. The idea of spending the rest of my life without Dani is maddening, and the idea that she’s wrapped in the chains of a man is even worse. I know she is dying inside, dreaming of the days when we were together, the love we shared. I can picture her looking down from his second story apartment window, seeing me on the empty sidewalk below, ready to rescue her. I can vividly see the joy in her face as she looks down to see her savior, her one true love come to take her away from the man who stole everything. Yes, that’s what I need to do. I have to save her from the man who stole her from me. I need to keep her safe, protect her from his malicious intent to trap her and hold her captive from me. I will keep her safe, whatever the cost.
Sunday, December 2
Today is the day I save Dani. I’ve been planning all week on how to get her out safely, and I finally have a plan, something full proof. I missed all my finals just to make sure my plan was perfect, to make sure that Stephan can’t wriggle his way out of my hands now. I know they keep the first window on the left side of their house open at night. I know they have an outdoor table that is just tall enough for me to reach the window. I know they go to sleep at 11pm every Sunday. I know that his roommates have already all left for home, leaving just the 2 in the apartment. I’ll get you now Stephan, and you will give me back my love. You cannot steal my soulmate from me anymore, and we will be together forever without you and your treachery. My love and I will spend an eternity with each other, sharing our love with one another every single moment. The next life is where our love will take root, and from those roots a beautiful tree will grow, and grow, until the leaves of love touch the heavens above. No one will be able to take us apart after tonight my love, our spirits will be intertwined forever. I love you Dani, and I always will - Theresa