I have never been a cold person but you see my feet and hand are always cold. I need something hot, not warm, not sweaters, but something hot like heaters at the hottest setting to keep me at normal temperature or as close to normal as it’s possible. Maybe it’s human temperature but that would make me something less than human, and I can’t say if that would be wrong, today more than ever.
I’m a bright person but most times this brightness seemed forced like I’m trying too hard to be something that I’m not. My family always told me that it was me succumbing to depression given all the things I’ve been through, but that’s the problem. I don’t remember what I’ve been through. As far as I can remember I’ve had a happy life. A perfect life with a perfect family then why would I succumb to depression?
Over the years, I started to grow more silent, more colder (both body and as a person) and disconnected with the world but I thought it was just a phase.
As it turns out it wasn’t.
Last night I accidentally overheard my parents and their concerns. They have always loved me beyond measure, beyond love itself and seeing them this concerned always makes my heart break.
“Do you think we did the right thing 25 years ago?” My mom said, her voice heavy like she’s holding back tears.
“I’m not sure anymore.” My father’s voice was hoarse and I knew that he has been crying. “Seeing her like this, like a shell without a soul-“
He couldn’t finish the sentence. I clamp my lips not wanting the sob to escape but there was none. What he said was true. I was a shell. The few emotions I had were not emotions at all but bodily needs.
“We never should have listened to that man!” My mother exclaimed.
“But we would have lost our daughter.” My father sobbed.
My mother let out a heart-wrenching cry. “I know. I thought it was love but maybe it was selfishness. Selfishness only a parent can have “
The rest of the conversation was drowned in cries. I stood there, not sure I understood anything so I did the only thing I could. I called my brother and asked him what happened 25 years ago.
“You don’t remember?” He said hesitantly.
“Remember what?” I ask suspicious.
He sighed. “Of course you don’t. You were too young. I was too-“
“Remember what?” I repeated. I wanted to know the truth. I needed to.
“You fell of a roof.” He paused as if he was reliving a painful memory. “You were not breathing, then you went into a coma. A man came and performed a ritual and you woke up.”
“Just like that?”
“Yeah. That’s what I remember. I asked mom and dad but they just say it’s a miracle.”
Hmm. Maybe it’s just that. But something inside me refuses to believe it. I disconnect the phone and decide it is time to find some answers.
I have always been good at find things my parents don’t want me to find be it their love letters, condoms or that bank statement which reminds them never to take money for granted. But I couldn’t search last night so I did today because my parents were going out to my relative’s place.
I search and search and search. I find absolutely nothing. Nothing that would relate to the man or my accident 25 years ago. Defeated I sit on the floor in fron of the open cupboard I was searching trying to search my mind for some clue. This is when I notice it, a faint line in bottom rack. Curious I trace my finger through it. It wasn’t a line, it was a hidden drawer. I try to open it and finally succeeded when a hear a faint click when I touched the right place near the centre.
There’s a locker there, a small one, it cannot hold anything of too much value. It’s locked. I think of all the combinations my parents can put, it’s my parents! It has to be a date! I tried every birthday, anniversary, special days but it wouldn’t open.
Then I get my Eureka moment, 25 years ago. I try possible dates of my accident three time and once again I hear that satisfying faint click. With shaking hands I open the locker. Years of questions will be answered. Years of darkness will finally have some light.
There was nothing but a single piece of paper.
Frowning I pick it up. It’s a death certificate.
[My name]
Date of Death: 20th November 1997.