I truly thought that things in my life couldn’t get any worse after I lost custody of my only son. I felt like I had hit rock bottom. I could not have been more wrong..
My journey to my perceived rock bottom was as cliché as the next drunk’s. I felt like I was functional when I wasn’t. Small problems between me and my ex-wife became larger problems. I embarrassed myself constantly, embarrassed her, said things that you can’t take back, allowed myself to be sloppy drunk in front of my child..
The day that I admitted I had a problem was the day that my ex-wife, Dana left me and took our son. Losing Tommy was my worst fear.
The court quickly and rightfully sided with Dana during the divorce. If I wanted even visitation with Tommy, I would have to get clean and prove to the judge that I was working to get better.
This got off to a terrible start. Throughout the divorce proceedings, my drinking and occasional drug use increased. I knew that it had a problem, but I wasn’t ready to give it up. At a time where nothing made me happy and everything hurt, the feeling of numbness was the best I could hope for.
This would lead to me losing my job. I got to a point where I could barely function sober. After being late a few times because I was hungover, I was finally shown the door when they caught me drinking in a back room.
I didn’t have many options. I had to get into a treatment program. I would have to find a new job and keep up with the child support payments. I would have to turn my life around.
I attended my first AA meeting. I was a little uncomfortable when I arrived. Before the meeting started, several members of the group introduced themselves and shook my hand. I have to admit that they really did make me feel welcome.
We got started and I was quickly introduced to everyone. A man named Abraham was leading the group, Abraham was a very large man. He wasn’t necessarily fat, maybe a little chubby. He was just very tall with broad shoulders. He was very thick.
He was almost constantly smiling. He was overtly friendly to the point where you wondered if it was phony. One of those people who talks to everyone the way people talk to children and dogs. That really over the top “Hi!! How are you?!?!?”. It comes with that exaggerated voice inflection. Almost like “Minnesota nice” without the cartoon character accent.
As I had assumed, he suggested that I share my story. I was nervous and told him I’d rather listen to one first, so he volunteered to share his own.
His share was very long and covered seemingly his entire life. He discussed some childhood trauma caused by his parents. He talked about falling in with a rough crowd in high school. He described them as way rougher than any crowd I went to high school with. Full-blown teenage criminals, who are getting high, robbing people, assaulting people, etc..
His share continued to when he would eventually find God and join the program. He discussed feeling like he was at rock bottom at multiple different times throughout his life. That was one thing I identified with.
His story ended with him eventually becoming a counselor and a sponsor for others with similar problems. He ran this group as well as doing one on one counseling with some of the members. He volunteered throughout the community. He organized can drives, toy drives, and other charitable events. It actually was pretty inspiring.
After he finished his share, he turned his attention toward me. I was hoping that I had avoided having to share. My story was likely the same as everyone’s. I felt like it wasn’t their business. Abraham pushed though and eventually it was my turn to share.
I started off very timid and closed off. I vaguely explained that I drank too much, that I messed around with drugs, and that it ruined my marriage and my family.
As my share continued, I actually started feeling more comfortable. I never liked the idea of AA, but I had to admit that getting things off my chest and feeling that I wouldn’t be judged was refreshing.
I started really opening up and explaining in detail what had led me there. I practically told these people my life story just like Abraham had. By the time I was finished, it was time to end the meeting.
I shook some hands and said hi to a few people as the meeting wrapped up. I was heading out the door when Abraham asked me if I would help him pick up the chairs. The group filed out as we cleaned up and pretty soon it was only me and Abraham left.
“That was an outstanding share,” he said with a smile.
“Thanks. First time.”
“Oh I can tell,” he laughed. “Also, I already knew who you were.”
“You did?” I said, confused.
“The judge contacted me,” he replied. “She’s gonna want my recommendation before the next custody hearing. I hope that I’ll be able to give her a good one.”
“You will,” I said, confidently.
We were just about finished picking things up. I grabbed my coat and was on my way out the door when Abraham stopped me again.
“I know that this is tough,” he said softly. “You just have to take it one day at a time. With support, you will succeed. As long as you prioritize sobriety, you will be on the path to success.”
“I appreciate that.”
“Hey, what are you doing tonight?” He asked.
“I’m not sure, probably just going to bed.”
“Would you like to come to my place?” He asked. “Boredom and idle time are dangerous for an alcoholic, especially when they only have one day of sobriety. I was gonna make some steaks and watch the basketball game. What do you think?”
“I do like steaks and basketball,” I laughed.
“Terrific! Did you drive here?”
“I walked. I actually just sold my car to stay afloat and keep up with child support payments until I can find a job.”
“I guess you’re riding with me then,” he said with a big smile on his face.
It was a little odd. I almost felt obligated to say yes. It was in my best interest to stay on this guy‘s good side. I also had to admit that it would be nice to have someone to watch a ball game with.
We got to Abe‘s house and he turned on the game. He started cooking and making small talk with me. While he cooked, we really just talked about sports.
We ate dinner on the sofa while we watched basketball. I was starting to feel a little more comfortable in the stranger’s house. I was a little relieved, somewhat expecting him to preach to me about sobriety and what not. Unfortunately, he was only waiting for us to finish eating before he got to that.
“I know that you think I’m a little overbearing when it comes to sobriety,” Abraham said. “Most people do in the beginning. It truly is life changing though and I want you to experience that.”
“I absolutely want to get sober. I just feel that not everyone’s the same. I worry that certain tactics won’t work for certain people.”
“When we give ourselves over to a higher power, our healing begins,” Abe said as I tried not to roll my eyes.
I tried to steer the conversation away, but he was very interested in my religious beliefs. I didn’t criticize his beliefs, but I was getting irritated at him prying about mine.
“I used to be a satanist,” he said abruptly.
“So.. Satan is your higher power?” I asked facetiously.
He ignored my little jab.
“I used to hang with a bad crowd,” he said softly. “I mean really bad.. I’m not talking about petty crimes and occasional drug use. I’m talking about beating people within an inch of their lives. Drugs, guns, blackmail, violence. I didn’t know who I was. There came a time where I didn’t know if I was drinking and getting high so often to cope with the things I had done, or just fear of sobriety. Beyond the withdrawals, I was afraid of finding out who I was while I was sober. I didn’t want to take the blinders off.”
“Then you got involved with the program and turned it around?” I asked.
“Eventually. Something happened before that though. Maybe it was the drugs, or the booze, or the insomnia, but I saw an angel..”
I didn’t want to be a dick. I was rolling my eyes on the inside, but this was clearly important to Abe. He seemed like he was almost struggling to tell me this, even though I didn’t ask. I kept my mouth shut and listened as he continued.
“I know that it sounds crazy. It was so real though. Maybe it was my subconscious. Either way, I needed it. The Angel gave me my mission. They told me that I was a lost soul like so many others. They explained that a lost soul needs to either be found, or be repurposed..”
“Repurposed?” I asked, confused.
“You’re a lost soul, Darren. My mission in life is to help people like you find it. All you have to do is follow my system. Come to the meetings and share and listen. Do the work. Work the steps. If you follow the program and do what I ask, I guarantee that you will get your family back. Wait there, I wanna give you something.”
I thought about what Abraham said, as he went to the other room. His confidence was pretty infectious. The guy was a broken record, but a friendly broken record who seemed like he genuinely wanted to help. He returned a few minutes later carrying a book.
“You might not believe in angels, Darren. I do though. It was an angel that told me that my purpose was to help people through the same problems that I was able to overcome. I intend to see you through this and help you accomplish your goals. Are you willing to let me help you?”
“If you can make it so I can see my son, I’m willing to do anything.”
Abe smiled and handed me a book.
“This book not only explains the steps, but helps the reader understand the purpose of each step. Any questions you have, the answer is likely in this book. Read it, and you’ll be well on your way to recovery and maybe even a reunion with your family. You really have to read it though. Don’t skim or jump to chapters you think might apply to you. It all applies to you. You have to read it front to back. Just like the program, this book changes lives.”
I read the back cover of the book. It honestly seemed a little redundant to me. I didn’t really see the purpose of reading a book that essentially was just the written version of Abe’s repetitive rhetoric. There was no harm in humoring him though. I thanked him and assured him that I would read it.
Abraham continued telling me stories from his past. He then asked me what the worst thing I had ever done because of drugs or alcohol was. I immediately knew the answer, but I wasn’t in a rush to tell anyone. It was one secret I had never told anyone. I tried to shy away from the topic, but he kept pushing. He had already told me some horrible things that he had done, so I figured that there wasn’t harm in doing the same.
“So, this was about six or seven years ago. My brother Steve had gotten a really big promotion and we were out celebrating. It was me, Steve, his girlfriend Karen, and a few other friends of his. We went out to the bar and got really drunk. Then we took the party back to Steve’s. He passed out as soon as we got to his house. Before long, everyone had left or fallen asleep. Only Karen and I were still awake. We continued drinking late into the night.. We were just so hammered..”
“You slept with her?” Abe asked.
“..Yea. It was a huge mistake. Karen and I never spoke of it again. At the time, they hadn’t even been dating all that long. Now, they’re married with a five-year-old, and another on the way. It’s the worst mistake I ever made and I would’ve done anything to take it back. We couldn’t though, so we just kept it a secret.”
“I appreciate you sharing that with me, Darren. Good people do bad things sometimes. People make mistakes. It’s important that we learn from those mistakes. You’ll find coming to meetings that just about everyone in the group has done something they consider unforgivable. You aren’t alone.”
Shortly after that, we looked at the clock and saw that it was getting late. Abraham gave me a ride home. I thanked him for the steaks and once again assured him that I was serious about my sobriety.
I actually kind of felt proud of myself as I walked into my apartment. I felt confident that I really could do this. I had a clear goal, and I was ready to achieve it. I decided to call Dana to share the good news with her and Tommy.
Dana answered the phone knowing that it was me and didn’t sound happy to hear from me. It was understandable.
“Darren, I’m not in the mood to argue,” she said.
“I’m not calling to argue. I promise!”
I told her about Abraham and how I had started attending a group. I told her I hadn’t had anything to drink for almost 2 days. I told her that I understood why she left. I promised her that I was on the right track though. From her voice, I could tell that she was taking everything I said with a big grain of salt. It was understandable. I hadn’t earned her trust back yet.
“I hope you actually do stick with it,” she said, clearly not confident that I would.
“I will.. I understand that I need to earn your trust before you’ll let me spend time with Tommy. Would it be okay if I just said goodnight to him though?”
“I don’t think it’s a good idea..”
“Please.. I swear to God I’m doing what I need to do. I really just need to hear his voice, just for a second..”
Dana refused. I continued asking and trying to get her to understand my perspective, but she wouldn’t budge. This led to an argument. It was far from our worst, but I was holding back. I wanted to scream through the phone. It felt so cruel to not even let me talk to him. I continued begging her to before she finally hung up.
I tried calling back and it went straight to voicemail. I found myself falling into that all too familiar spiral. I paced back and forth through the apartment, constantly asking myself if it was fair. I’ve made mistakes, but I’m a person with feelings too. A boy needs his dad. He needs to know that I’m still fighting for him.
I started throwing things around in a fit of rage. I punched a couple holes into the walls. Anything within my reach got thrown across the room. I whipped my shoe at the wall and accidentally knocked a shelf down.
I took a deep breath and started picking up the stuff from the shelf that had fallen into the floor. That’s when I found four of those miniature liquor bottles. I didn’t even remember putting them there. I must’ve been blackout drunk when I hid them.
I looked at the bottles for a moment. I looked over at the book on the bed that Abraham had given to me. I thought about Dana. I was simply enraged that she wouldn’t let me talk to Tommy. Here I am doing what I’m supposed to yet I’m still being treated like someone who doesn’t give a shit.
I figured that I really only had one clean day at that point anyway. I opened one of the bottles and downed it. After that, I figured that I had “relapsed” anyway, so I might as well drink them all. If sobriety doesn’t get me my son, then what’s the point?.
I woke up the next day, feeling guilty. I told myself that I wouldn’t relapse again. I would get sober for me and then hope that people would take notice.
That afternoon, I was just about to leave for the meeting when there was a knock at the door. I opened the door to see a police officer staring back at me. He informed me that I would have to come with him down to the station and answer some questions.
At the station, I sat in the interrogation room, wondering why I was there. After a long wait, an officer finally arrived and sat down.
“Do you know where Tommy and Dana are?” The deputy asked without even introducing herself.
“Umm not at the moment,” I replied, confused. “Dana and I split. I’m fighting for custody now.”
“I know all that,” she said sternly. “When was the last time you spoke to them?”
“I spoke to Dana on the phone last night, briefly. What is going on? Why are you asking me this?”
“Tommy didn’t make it to school today, she said. “They called Dana and she didn’t answer. They called her work and found out that she didn’t show up.. We went to the house and no one was there.”
“What!? Did you call Dana‘s dad? What about her friend Grace?” I asked nervously.
“We have.. They haven’t seen them.. Mr. Bell, there were signs of a break in at the house..”
It felt like a kick in the face when she said that. It couldn’t be true. It had to be a misunderstanding.
The deputy continued asking me questions that I didn’t really have answers to. She informed me that I was a person of interest and told me not to leave the county. Then she released me and told me to call if I had any information.
I left there in a daze. My mind was running at 100 miles an hour. I just didn’t understand what could’ve happened to them. I was scared. I needed someone to talk to.
I realized what time it was. I missed the meeting and it was probably just about wrapping up. I decided I would go and talk to Abe. That’s what a sponsor is for, right?
I told Abe what had happened. He shrugged it off, and I lost my temper. He eventually told me that it was a good emotional release for me, and that it demonstrated progress. He offered me a ride home, but I wanted to walk.
I was walking home and coming up on a coffee shop. I was about to walk inside for a cup before I noticed the neon lights flashing at the bar across the street. It’s a bar I’ve been to before. The bartender was attractive and friendly. They always had the game on and had great wings.
I walked across the street and stood in front of the bar for what must’ve been five minutes. I considered the fact that I really only had one day of sobriety anyway. I felt like I deserved a drink after such a stressful day. Just a little something to take the edge off.
That’s when I had a minor breakthrough. I realized that I would always find a reason. This was a more extreme example with my family being missing, but deep down I knew that all it really took was a frustrating day, a stranger, being a dick, a cutting remark from Dana..
I turned around and walked back to the coffee shop. I felt a small sense of pride as I had a bagel and a cup of coffee. It was the first time I really chose not to drink when I could have.
I finished up and headed home. I found myself appreciating little things all of a sudden. The almost perfect temperature in the air, the starry night sky. I was feeling strangely at peace. Then upon that realization, I felt guilty.
I tried Dana‘s cell phone again to no avail. I was leaving her yet another voicemail as I heard someone call my name.
I looked around before realizing that it was coming from someone in a darkened parking lot. I quickly realized that it was Abe, but I could barely see him in the dimly lit lot.
“What are ya lurking in the dark for, Abe?”
“It’s a parking lot. I don’t control the lights. Hop in. I’ll give you a ride.”
I had already declined a ride and told him I was fine walking. He was pretty insistent though, and said that he had to talk to me about something. I gave in, and got into the car.
“Beautiful night,” Abe said with a smile.
“Nice night for a walk,” I replied.
“Yeah.. sorry. I just really wanted to say how proud I am of you.”
“For what?” I asked. “Weren’t you just giving me shit for missing today’s meeting?”
He paused for a weirdly long time before answering. He had this calm smile on his face. He just quietly drove as I wondered if I should repeat the question. Finally, he spoke.
“You didn’t go into that bar..”
I didn’t respond right away. I just sat there, considering how he would’ve known that. Maybe someone at the coffee shop told him? Maybe he followed me?
“I umm.. what?”
“I know that I can be a lot. You probably see me as some fuddy duddy who never shuts up about the program.”
He was spot on..
“It’s difficult for an alcoholic to prioritize sobriety,” he said. “Even when everything that matters to you hangs in the balance.. There’s always a reason to have a drink and numb the pain. It’s the easy way. Some people sober up and then the first time they face adversity, they’re back to the bottle. if someone is able to face that adversity while they’re starting out, it can be a wonderful teachable moment.”
“What are you getting at, Abe?”
“I’m sorry for giving you grief today. You had a legitimate reason to miss the meeting. I guess I just care too much sometimes.. You didn’t go into that bar though, and that says a lot. It tells me that you really can do this. You faced adversity at a high level today and you didn’t let it push you to the bottle. To have that will power on your first day sober is very encouraging.”
“Well it’s actually three days, Abe.”
The smile left Abe‘s face. He kept his eyes straightforward on the road and took a deep breath through his nose.
“No Darren.. It’s not.”
I froze for a moment. I waited for him to elaborate, but he didn’t.
“Abe.. What’s going on? How did you know I didn’t go into the bar? Were you following me?”
His expression turned to anger. He kept his eyes forward as he responded.
“Why is it so hard to prioritize sobriety?! I see so many people like you walk into those meetings, and not give a fuck! I guess it doesn’t matter who you hurt. Do you know how many people suffer because of alcoholism? You think you’re suffering, but it’s those around you who really suffer. Your son! Your ex-wife! The brother you made a cuckold of! The people who have to put up with your selfish fucking bullshit. I try and I try to help you, but you just wanna be a drunk, selfish, fucking pig..”
“Christ Abe! I didn’t even go into the bar!”
“Shut the fuck up!” He screamed.
I froze again as he breathed heavily and continued driving. It was becoming clear that Abe wasn’t just a friendly fuddy duddy obsessed with Alcoholics Anonymous. I had no idea what to do in the moment. The guy was scaring me.
“I bet you didn’t even read the book..” Abe said with disappointment and his voice.
“I uhh. I started it..”
“Don’t lie!!” He shouted in a frightening baritone.
“I’m sorry Abe.. Just please.. Calm down.”
He continued heavily breathing with an angry look on his face for a minute or so. Then he started taking slower deeper breaths. The vicious, angry look left his face.
“Jeez man.. I’m sorry. I just flew off the handle didn’t I..”
He was suddenly calm and starting to smile again. It was extremely unnerving to see his moods change so quickly.
“I’m really passionate sometimes,” he said softly. “I’ve had some stuff going on in my own life and I think I took it out on you. I’m awfully sorry for yelling.”
“It’s uhh.. It’s fine.”
“My recommendation will go a long way with the judge, but I don’t get the final say. I can’t guarantee you custody. Although I do truly believe that they’re safe. I have a very strong feeling that if you use the tools I’ve given you, keep working the steps, and fully prioritize your sobriety, that path will lead you right to them..”
“..What makes you so sure?”
“I can feel it in my gut,” Abe replied with a big smile and a wink.
I was horrified. He wouldn’t come right out and say it, but I knew what he was implying. It was him. He did something to them. He had them somewhere. I didn’t understand it. He already had me in the palm of his hand because of his influence on the judge.
I sat there in silence. I didn’t know what to say. I wanted to scream at him or attack him, but he knew that I wouldn’t.
“The cops will blame you if they don’t turn up,” he said calmly. “The angry, alcoholic ex-husband who just lost custody? They won’t even ask questions. It’ll seem too obvious. But imagine if you saved them! You’d be the hero! The dad that wasn’t about to let anything bad happen to his son. The guy who saved his ex-wife, even after an ugly custody battle! Dana might even take you back if that happened.”
“..How would I do that Abe?” I muttered quietly as I held back tears.
“Say it with me now Darren! You WORK THE PROGRAM!”
He laughed as he said it, but then quickly put on a more serious face.
“As I’ve said repeatedly, I’ve given you the tools. I’ve told you what you need to do. You work my program and stay sober, and you could find them tomorrow.. if you stay sober and go through the motions, I imagine you’d find them right around the time you’ll be getting your 30 day chip. It’s a very important milestone. Once you’re over that hump, you’re really on your way.”
“Are they okay?” I whimpered as tears began streaming down my face. “30 days? Are they being hurt during that time? Can I talk to them?”
“There’s a difference between simply being sober and prioritizing your sobriety, Darren. I have a feeling that if you truly prioritize it, you’ll find them on your own. Could be as early as tomorrow. But, I do believe that the 30 day chip is a great accomplishment, even if you aren’t fully bought in. I imagine you could find them that way too. Might just take a little longer..”
“Can I talk to them?.”
“I imagine that a phone call could be arranged. Perhaps as a reward for an achievement?”
We arrived at my building. I had a million questions. I wanted to strangle him. I wanted to call the cops. They would never believe me though. Abraham had me cornered..
“I’d love to stay and chat, but I have another sponsee who’s having a crisis. His poor sister has gone through so much, and it’s like he doesn’t even want to do right by her..”
“I wanna do right by my family,” I said, trying my best to speak Abe‘s language.
“Then do the work,” he said with a smile. “You have all the answers. You know what you have to do. As I said, just prioritize your sobriety. You’ll do great,”
I got out of the car. He gave me another creepy wink before driving away. It was like this was a game to him. I was overflowing with emotion, but at the same time felt depleted of energy. I stood there feeling helpless.
I lost it once I got inside. I proceeded to completely destroy my apartment. Part of the reason was just pure rage. Another was the fact that Abraham had to have been monitoring me somehow. The paranoia was getting the best of me and I felt that there had to be some sort of camera in the apartment.
I didn’t find a camera. I didn’t find a recording device. Nothing.. I sat on the floor for what felt like hours, basking in my helplessness. I tried to think of a way out of it, but I knew that Abe had me. He knew it too. I had no choice but to play his messed up game.
So I played the game. I tried to push all my rage and anger down deep. I went to my meetings, and I shared vague and stereotypical stories, some that weren’t even true. I had plenty of stories to share, but I lied. I felt like Abe didn’t need to know my stories. The less he knew about me, the better.
I felt like a zombie over the next several days. I went to my meetings and I didn’t do much else. I put in a few job applications. I ate small meals. I laid in bed. Then I did it all over again.
I was finding Abe more smug by the day. A self righteous monster.. I thought that it was only me, but I overheard a conversation between Abe and another member. Chris had relapsed after two weeks. I listened and realized that he wasn’t ashamed as much as he was afraid. He was afraid of Abe like I was..
I wanted to talk to Chris. I wanted to see if Abraham was doing the same to him. I tried approaching him, but Abraham grabbed me before I got to him.
“Are you free right now, Darren?” He said emphatically.
The last thing in the world I wanted to do was spend any more time around him, but I had to play nice. I told him I was free.
“Let’s go for a drive!”
He wouldn’t tell me where we were going. He was still his fake-nice self, but was getting more and more outwardly creepy. He was just babbling on throughout the drive and I slowly realized we were leaving the city.
“It’s a nice day for a drive!” Abe said emphatically. “Keep your chin up, Darren. Everything‘s going to work out. You’ll see your family again.”
“How do I know that you’re telling the truth?”
“Because I’m honest Abe!”
Oh.. how badly I wanted to take him to the theater..
I was mostly silent for the drive. We entered a suburb, and things started to look familiar.
“It’s time to make amends..”
I knew what he meant right away.
“No fucking way!”
“This will be healing, Darren. Don’t you care about the health of your family?”
I knew what he meant right away..
“What’s the point?! It never happened again! It fixes nothing!”
We argued. I pleaded. He just continued launching veiled threats. I had no choice. Before long, we were sitting out front of my brother, Steve’s house.
“No funny business,” Abe sneered. “If you go in there and tell him anything other than what happened between you and his wife, Tommy will be punished.. This may seem bad now, but that would make things a whole lot worse. This is a step to healing.”
Abe then called my phone, grabbed mine out of my hand, and answered it.
“Put this in your pocket. Do not hang up!”
My mind raced as I slowly walked from the car to the front door. I was desperately trying to think of a way out of it. I was holding out hope that he wouldn’t be home.
I had difficulty forcing myself to approach the front door. It was a horrible feeling. The feeling of helplessness was killing me. Steve must’ve seen me from the windows, because he came walking out before I got to the door.
He asked if I had heard anything about Dana and Tommy before inviting me inside. I’m not gonna write out the whole conversation we had after I went in. It was long and it was painful. It went about as well as anyone could expect. There was no immediate forgiveness. There was no understanding. There was me getting punched in the eye and physically thrown out of the house.
I silently got back in the car, wondering if Steve would hate me forever. On my way out, I glanced at the pictures along the walls. Pictures of their beautiful family, pictures with our family.. I caused so much damage to that family..
I went numb and just kept my eyes forward on the drive back. Abraham tried to explain why it was a good thing to do and how it will help me in the long run. I just stayed silent. I had nothing nice to say so I wasn’t gonna say anything at all..
We got to my building, and Abraham simply said goodbye.
“When do I get to talk to Dana and Tommy?”
“When you get your 30 day chip. Unless you find them yourself, which I’ve given you the tools to do.”
“What the hell did I just ruin my relationship with my brother for?”
“It’s part of the program.”
I wanted to argue, but I was getting used to the way Abe argued. I knew there was nothing I could say to change his mind. I didn’t respond. I just silently got out of the car and went inside.
I tried to reach out to Steve multiple times. He wouldn’t speak to me. Karen wouldn’t speak to me. I reached out to a mutual friend who told me that they were having marital problems and started going to couples counseling. I felt unbelievably awful about it. Abraham probably couldn’t care less..
The next few weeks were brutal. Beyond withdrawals and the missing family, I was now constantly thinking about Steve and Karen and their daughter Sue. Did I ruin their marriage? Did I break up their family?
There was very little time throughout the month that I was able to get Abe out of my head. It was probably paranoia and insomnia, but there were moments where I’d catch a look in his eye, and find myself believing that he was legitimately some sort of demon. It’s like he was sent from hell to feast on the souls of the damned. Where better to find them than at AA meetings?
My paranoia was getting worse by the day. It was a combination of the situation, the withdrawal, the insomnia. Ironically, nothing made me want to drink more than Abraham did. Somehow, I fought the urge though. I considered reading the book Abe gave me a few times, but I didn’t want to give him the satisfaction. I distracted myself by looking for bugs in my apartment, and screaming into my pillow..
I reached day 29. It felt good to be so close, but my rage was boiling over. On my way to the meeting, I thought about what Abraham might do. I was so close to 30 days. He has to have something planned to sabotage me. There has to be another impossible task.
I arrived at the meeting and stayed silent for as long as I could.
“One of our newest members is closing in on 30 days!” Abe said as the room erupted in applause. “It’s already been quite the journey Darren! Would you care to tell us how this month has been for you? What have you gotten out of the program? Are you feeling confident in your sobriety? Would you like to share?”
I wanted to tell Abe to go ahead and fuck himself, but after all this time, I couldn’t stop playing nice now. At that moment, all I could do was share.
“This past month has been rather eventful. I suffered a lot of losses. I’ve had a lot of sleepless nights. I’m not sure if I’ve really found my higher power, but I’m on the lookout. I am starting to understand the idea that I need help. I’m not Superman. There’s nothing special about me. I’m just a person. I have no particular set of skills.. just arms and legs and ears and a face..”
“How has it felt to be sober?” Abe asked.
“Well, I haven’t had a drink.. I guess that feels good. I’m not gonna lie. There’s been multiple days where I questioned whether this past month of sobriety has been more damaging to my life than all the drinking. I’m not sure if my brother is ever gonna talk to me again. I don’t know where my kid is..”
I couldn’t continue after that. I started to break down. I knew that Abraham wanted to see it, and I was fighting it with everything I had.
I was surprised that Abraham didn’t push me to continue. Instead, he actually wrapped up the meeting early. Several members approached me and thanked me for my share. I said my goodbyes, waited for the room to clear out, then went to talk to Abraham.
“I gotta know Abe.. do I pass your qualifications? Please tell me that I’m gonna see them and that you’re not gonna make up some strange reason why I need to wait longer.”
“Have you done everything I’ve asked of you?”
“Yes! Everything! I’ve stayed sober. I made “amends” with my brother? I haven’t missed a meeting. I’ve shared and contributed. I even help you put the chairs away.!”
“There isn’t one thing you can think of that you haven’t done yet?”
“What is it?!”
“I gave you a book to read, and I can tell that you haven’t read it.”
How could he even know that? My God, I just wanted to burn this fucking book! For 30 days, he hasn’t shut up about it, and I know it’s not gonna say anything different than the nonsense he spews on a regular basis. I had to once again swallow my pride, though.
“Is that the only thing? I will go home and read it front to back right now! If I do that, do you swear to me that I’ll be able to see Dana and Tommy?”
“You read that book, and the next thing you’ll be doing is going to see Dana and Tommy! You have my word. I’m honest Abe, remember?!”
I went home and decided to just get it over with. Someway or another, he knew that I hadn’t read it. It was going to be irritating, but absolutely worth it to put this nightmare behind me.
I got home and grabbed the book. I sat on my bed and cracked it open for the very first time. It didn’t take me long to realize that I should’ve opened it much sooner. Right there on the very first page was a handwritten address alongside coordinates written in pen.
I felt like an idiot. He said it so many times. It was just my knee-jerk reaction to roll my eyes anytime he brought up the book. I had their location the entire time, and all I had to do was read the first page of that fucking book..
I grabbed my keys and was heading to the car as I looked up the address on my GPS. It was less than a 20 minute drive from my building.
I beat myself up the whole drive there. I was angry at myself. I was angrier at Abraham. Despite all my rage, I’m still… (sorry, the radio is on..) The point is that while I felt stupid, used, exhausted and angry, I was going to see my family again and that was all that mattered.
I followed an old dirt road and arrived at a dilapidated old house. The place looked condemned. The windows were boarded up. The yard was overgrown and full of weeds.
I didn’t hesitate. I walked to the front door and found it unlocked. I let myself in and immediately started calling out Tommy and Dana‘s names. I immediately noticed that there was a piece of paper pinned to the front door with the first step written on it. “Admit that we are powerless over alcohol”.
I found the place mostly empty. There were 2x4s and random debris throughout. There were also more pieces of paper with other steps written on them scattered around. I went room to room, but saw no one. I then found the basement door with the 12th step pinned to it. They had to be down there. I slowly walked down the stairs. I found myself holding my breath as I made my way down the steps.
I reached the bottom and found myself in a musty room with tarps hung up everywhere. I pulled down the tarp at the far end of the room. When I saw what was behind it, I immediately fell to my knees on the cement floor..
There was Tommy and Dana. Their lifeless bodies embraced one another. They had starved. They spent their final days hoping I would come and save them, only to be disappointed one last time..
I tried to scream, but it was like there was no air in my lungs. I sat there, slack jawed. I couldn’t speak. I had finally reached my true rock bottom. I barely reacted when I heard someone walking down the basement steps. I already knew that it was Abraham.
“I told you that I gave you the answers. You just had to read the book. I didn’t hurt them if you’re wondering. I put them down here and told them that you’d be along shortly. I really thought you were going to figure it out on day two..
I tried to respond, but I was just a ghost. I was empty. I felt dead inside.
“I hope that you won’t go to the cops.. I imagine that they still won’t believe you. It would be a case where you could really use a good character witness. Something tells me that your brother wouldn’t be willing to do that now. You probably don’t have anyone else.. It’s okay though. Recognizing true rock bottom can really put things into perspective. You can finally start to heal.
I didn’t have the energy to respond. I couldn’t think straight. I couldn’t get past the fact that the address was right there the whole time..
“Dana drove you to drink on day one, Darren. In a way, I eliminated your biggest trigger!
He knelt down as I continued hyperventilating. All hope was lost and I didn’t even care to go to the police at this point. I didn’t know when I would do after the dust settled, and honestly, I still don’t. I just can’t get the last thing Abraham said to me before he left out of my head.
“Don’t you get it, Darren? ..I’m your higher power!”