Herers [PART ONE] peeps.
Sup guys how’s it been a while. I have returned and with me I bring stories. So please get comfortable as I tell you about some interesting encounters, I’ve experienced living here. I’ve never been one for camping the whole idea of wiping my ass with leaves never appealed to me. Not that I’m judging any of you’s who do it. I’m just saying it’s not my cup of tea or should I say my type a leaf. HAHAHAHAHA see what I did there, type a leaf. Heh I’m hilarious. So even though i don’t like camping I’ve never let that stop me from enjoying the outdoors. I do love hiking and I do that every now and then and today was no different. After filling my pack with the essentials and a flash of vodka. I made my way outside. Buster seemed to be doing his own thing, so I didn’t want to disturb him though I did grab old reliable from his trunk, you never know with those things out there.
I picked a random trail trusting my intuition to lead me to an interesting place. The walk wasn’t so great since it was hot out and the mosquitoes were bugging the crap out of me. Heh I’m on a role today. I never bothered with the bug spray though, the bugs here are vicious and any form of store-bought repellent only made them angrier. A bit of homemade peppermint oil here and there and the bites became less frequent. The trail though was beautiful. Though calling it a trail was a bit of an overstatement, I doubt anyone used it. The trees towered over me; there green leaves seemed so vibrant today. Birds called out for one another, though I couldn’t identify the types. I did have a book on native birds back at the Lakehouse, but I never really read it. THE humid the air smelt of pine which was refreshing.
About an hour into the walk, I was already drenched in sweat. Already I’d used half a bottle of repellent. On the bright side I did smell great. It was time for a break, so I picked the most comfortable looking rock and sat on it. It was half of my height and covered in green moss. Once I was comfortable enough and sure I wouldn’t be falling off I dug into my pack. With a triumphant yell I pulled out the holy grail of hiking out of my pack. Yes, I did in fact pack trail mix. It was a capital offense not to. Though this wasn’t your average trail mix no my dear friends this was homemade. I added some chocolate covered pretzels, A few cashews here and there, some dried cranberries and honey coated peanuts. I had another in my pack that had no chocolate pretzels but dried apricots instead. Not to brag or anything but I made the best trail mix. Placing my pack on the floor I munched happily on the trail mix.
There was low grating that came from somewhere close. It sounded like rock scrapping against. I ignored it this was not going to be my problem. Not today. I was more interested on the fleshgait that was watching from behind one of the trees. It eyed me for a moment, probably decide on whether or not to attack me. I helped it make a decision by gently nudging Old reliable who was still strapped to my pack on the floor. Its eyes bulged as it took a look at it. The thing did a full one eighty as it let out a screech before disappearing into the forest.
Fleshgaits 0 Josh 1.
Again the groaning noise before came back and it took me a moment to realise that it was coming from under me. I was already sliding off the rock before I could react. Okay this was new. I watched as the stone I had been sitting on slowly got up. Four legs and a head came into sight as the rock turned to face. It was a tortoise, an insanely big tortoise. Its beak looked wickedly sharp. The only thing between it and me was my pack. Sadly, it was closer to the pack than I was. I watched as it made its way to my pack, its amber eyes completely ignoring me. It sniffed my pack a few times, before ripping into it with its beak. At first, I had been afraid, I mean it was a big ass tortoise. Who wouldn’t be a little intimidated by it. But now I was curious. It shifted through my pack before coming upon a familiar brown paper bag. Yes, people I don’t use plastic. I’m that much better than you. Though its beak was sharp it could find purchase on the doggy bag.
So I did what any guy who was cuation did, I reached for the Zip lock bag before opening it. Pouring some out onto my hand, I held it out to the turtle. Now its eyes were on me. They never left my own as it ate from my hand. Haha it kinda tickled. It finished the rest of the trail mix before it walked off to the side and went back to sleeping.
That was nice, it would’ve been great had that fleshgait from before not come back and sneaked up on me. The prick was literally inches from my boot before I saw it. I mean what is with them and feet. I gave it a good kick to the eye. Before it ran away howling in pain.
Now lets get to the interesting bit of today’s story. I know that’s what you’re here for. So onto todays Joshes weird experience in the woods. I’ll tell you about the time I was possessed. Would you believe me if i told you I’ve been possessed more than once. Once by a bunch of hillbilly ghosts and another by a douche. No I will not be telling you about the hillbillies that one sucked. Instead, I’ll tell you about the cabin I found. See I love to explore the woods, they were creepy sometimes but nice every once in a while. See I found an old map back at the Lakehouse and it detailed some interesting things, A spring here and there, a cave or two and even a clearing that used to be nice before the fairies took it over…jerks.
Anyway, lets talk about the cabin. See I was interested in it, since I could stash some stuff there if I was ever in that side of the woods and there was an emergency. So packing Buster full of supplies I drove the way up. It took a while maybe twenty to thirty minutes before I reached the place and I gotta say it wasn’t too bad. Apart from a broken window the place looked liveable.
Grabbing my stuff and letting Buster explore, I went to try the front door. But before i could grab the doorknob it gently swung open. Hmm a draft maybe. The cabin was sparse with a blackened furnace at the end of the room, a dusty table with two chairs and another room in the corner. Which I assumed was the bedroom. Now the thing about cabins is five times out of ten they have a basement. And I’m betting this is one of those five. Kicking the mouldy rug away I found what I was looking for. Also, I just made up that statistic.
The door leading to the basement wasn’t locked. Grabbing the ring-shaped handle i pulled. Just as it opened a cold breeze touched my neck. You know that feeling you get when you stand up too quickly and all the blood goes to your head. Imagine that but one hundred times worse. Blood rushed to my skull and my ears roar as I grabbed a nearby chair for support. Man I needed more iron in my diet. If only my boss wasn’t so stingy with the paychecks when I hadn’t killed anything. I’d try hunting but the damn Cathy had laid claim to a lot of the good elk territories. Thats what I’d chalked it up to at the time. I know I know I should have seen it coming. But I was way too excited.
Opening the cellar door brought with it a smell, it was musty and smelled slightly of death. Making my way into the cellar I found what I was looking for. Flashing my flashlight I scanned the cellar. It was small but a lot of the space was empty. There were a few boxes here and there but apart from that it was pretty clear. Wait…was that… was that a bedroll in the corner. Well, that’s eery and I definitely won’t be going there for a moment.
Placing my duffle bag away from the weird bedroll, I took stock of what I’d brought. A first aid kit, spare hunters’ knife, batteries, a flashlight some rope, a spare gun, ammo, another shovel, some canned food and dried meat, as well as a few packets of trail mix and some whiskey. You never know am I right. As I reached for a packet of trail mix my hand violently twitched making me drop it.
What the hell?
I tried again and the same thing happened. Okay… let’s try something else. I reached the shovel and again my hand twitched. Thats when I noticed something or maybe the lack thereof. See my fingers were growing numb and the feeling was moving up my hand fast. Ah I see I know what happening. Standing up I made my way towards the bedroll in the corner as the feeling in my hand changed. Now it felt like pins and needles. Flashing my light over the corner I found the culprit.
The was a skeleton in the bedroll completely decomposed. It was curled in a foetal position. its arms wrapped around a leather-bound book. It made sense what I was experiencing was the telltale signs of possession. I had about five minutes before I was fully possessed which sucks cause I left my holly water back at the crib…bummer. Well looks like I was in for a ride. With my good hand I reached within my coat pocket and grabbed a piece of jerky to chew on, it was barbecue flavour. Nice.
The possession didn’t take long in a few minutes I was hearing a maniacal laugh come from my lips. Bit by bit I felt as spiritual barriers were set up in my body. The first to go was my motor functions, next were my vocals. I was a passenger in my body. There was voice deeper than mine. It was drawn and kinda like those cliche surfer guys you hear on tv. The first thing this ghost did was pump his fist into the air and yell.
“Booyah, i totally possessed you bro”
Oh man please tell me I wasn’t possessed by a frat bro. To my distress the ghost then proceeded to guide my body towards my stash. For a moment I was worried he was going for my gun. Instead, he grabbed my whiskey…which in my opinion was worse. Lips to bottle the guy took two deep pulls from the bottle. Have some class man.
‘Ooof that good bro, I’ve missed this stuff’
Of course I didnt answer him, usually the possesed was unable to do anything until the ghost gave them permission. It took the guy a few seconds before he realised this.
“Oh my bad bro give me a second”
It took him a few tries before I felt one of the barriers, he put up come down.
“ There you go bro, now-”
“What the HELL do you think you’re doing with my booze man”
“Sorry bro but I havent had drinks in years”
The man or should I say ghost proceeded to taking two more deep drinks from the bottle. Another thing about possession was you still feel what happens to your body cause you know its YOUR body. My throat burned as the molten liquid poured down it.
“Anyway, the names Trent and I’ll be taking this baby for a test ride. Bro”
Trent said as he went back towards my supplies and ruffled through them. A cursed him out for a solid minute before he remember to take back control. Trent grabbed a handful of trail mix which he quickly spat out. What the hell, that was good trail mix this jerk is wasting. After finding nothing he wanted he stood up. Still gripping the bottle by its neck.
“Welp there nothing here for me”
Trent walked up the stairs taking a swig every so often. I mean seriously this guy had a drinking problem already a quarter of the bottle was empty. He didn’t even care to close the door behind him as he stumbled towards Buster.
“Wait, this things possessed?”
Though that did nothing to stop him, walking right up to Buster. Who the freaking traitor he was opened to the door for him. The ride back was a nightmare, Buster actually let the guy drive back for a good chunk of the trip. We hit three nightcrawlers without stopping. Which obviously sucked cause those things were rare and I’m sure my boss would’ve given me a solid bonus for them. Also, Trent sucks as a driver, he was swerving in between trees, and I swear we were this close to hitting a few of them. Heck we almost flipped over after taking some of those turns. And don’t get me started on the radio. I’d grabbed a few tapes a while back and now the prick was blasting them on full volume. I’m sure he alerted a few of the nasties in the woods.
By the timed we’d reached the Lakehouse my ears were hurting as well as my head. Thank God he’d left the bottle in the car. The douche was stumbling. The first thing this prick did wasn’t even to go into my house. No Trent thought it was a good idea to go for a swim. Which definitely wasn’t, why do you think I never go for a swim. Even though I have a Lakehouse. I tried to warn him, but I still didn’t have control of my body. See I haven’t been sitting idly by as Trent almost drunk us to an early grave. The agency taught me a few neat tricks that could come in handy at a time like this. Sadly, it takes time, and I still had a while before they kicked in.
Which unfortunately meant Trent had enough time to take of my shoes and shirt. But not my socks, like the seriously come on. Walking to the edge, he didnt hesistate before jumping in and yelling ‘CANON BALL!’. Look I hate the guy but even I have to admit that was a solid splash.
Anyway we didn’t even have a chance to come up for air before the reason I don’t go swimming shows up. Something cold and hard wrapped itself around our collective ankle before hosting us up and out of the water. I swear the amount of water that I swallowed was enough to leave me pissing for days. Once my vision cleared, I came face to face with the one person I have been avoiding since I last swam. A single large amber coloured eye starred into my brown ones. It was like cats, with one dark slit right down the middle. The eye was huge, and I mean huge, bigger than my head. Now I guess you’re wondering what it was. Well since I’m not one to play on your suspense. I’ll tell you what it is. An octopus, a big, freshwater octopus. His skin was reddish brown and leathery. I could see a dozen tentacles slithery beneath him. How is that possible, well don’t ask me. I’m no cryptozoologist.
“What the-” Trent spoke
“A hello there chap. Jolly well seeing you. I was wondering when you’d come to visit me. I have to say I’ve truly missed your company!”
Yes Boys and girls a giant freshwater octopus that has an english accent. Can you believe it. Now why would I avoid this guy if he was being so polite. Well, here’s why.
“Now where was I…Oh of course! I was telling you of my last escapade with the Nessie, she’s lovely company I must say. And the stories she told my, my, my quite riveting I tell you. Now where did we leave off, ah yes. We were being pursued by these poachers quite the unsavoury sort they were. Now I had taken a few harpoons to the flank, see these crisscrossing scars. Thats how I got them, Nessie seems to like them says they give me a roguish charm. Oh, I must tell you have a got this other scar on my – wait. Hmm something is wrong. Old chap is that really you?”
“Gosh took you long enough to figure out” Trent said
“I dare say who is this rapscallion im speaking to”
“Noneya”
Oh Trent you freaking.
“Huh now that is an-”
“Noneya bussiness. HAHAHA” The idiot burst out laughing at his own joke
“My word, have you no shame”
“Up yours squid”
Oh lord, I really hate this guy. See another reason why I’ve avoided Rupert the third, yes he’s name is Rupert the third. Is simple. Its his temper. See the guy is all nice and civil but the moment he feels like your “Tarnishing” his honour well. Lets just say I’ve seen him rip a bear in two. Honestly how could a bear tarnish someone’s honours. Anyway Trent’s childish stupidity got me something I never thought I’d experience. Still holding be by the ankle, Rupert cocked his tentacle back…and chucked us. And i mean really chucked us. We sailed over the lake. It was insane, the wind was in my eyes, there was a raoring in my ears and I’m sure one of us was screaming. Im pretty sure it was Trent. No but it didnt stop there. The moment my body made contact with the water. WE.GOT.SKIPPED. Like a stone chucked across water, we bounced across it like three times before we stopped. Man, it was horrible. I swear to this day my neck still aches.
Luckily the shock was enough that I was able to kick Trent out. Though I doubted Trent would have wanted to stay. EVERYTHING HURT. I mean everything. I took a while to get back to shore. It was a good thing we’d been chucked close to it. By the time I was on its rocky shore, I was coughing up lungful after lungful of water. Man, Trent is such a prick. Speak of the devil look who was standing in front of me. I could see him now. He was translucent. He wore a red and black flannel hoodie, with a set of tattered jeans. His sandy blonde hair was messy and there was blood in it. Is that how he died? He was handsome but there was a sad look to his face.
“Bummer wish I could have stayed longer bro”
“Yeah maybe if you’d kept your mouth shut we wouldnt have been chucked a quarter way across the lake”
“Yeah…hey look lets make a deal bro”
“How about no bro, why the hell would I make a deal with you”
“Come on bro, ive got info. Dont you want to know about the book”
The book… oh man the book. The one I found his corspe huddled around. Its in Busters club compartment. Trent had tossed it in as he hopped into Busters. It did look important. Man okay.
“Okay what the deal”
“You let me possess you every once in a while and I’ll tell you everything I know about the book”
“What no way”
“Look it doesnt have to be everyday. Just once in a while”
“How long is once in a while”
“I dont know every so often”
God this man was difficult.
“Okay but I have a few rules. First never do something that can hurt me. Second its only for a few hours and lastly when i want out. You stop”
“Aww do we have a safeword”
“Trent you mother-”
“Okay I was just kidding. So do we have a deal”
Trent held out his hand, it was sea through did he honselty think I could. The look on his stupid face confirmed that.
“Okay deal”
I reached out to shake his hand. But as expected it passed right through. Figures.
“So what do you know about the book”
“Oh that nothing”
“Wow thats odd for a second there I thought you said you know nothing about the book”
“Yeah, thats right I dont remember. But im sure it’ll come back to me…eventually”
“Trent you son of a-”
“Haha anyway I have some stuff to do, but once im done. Ill move in to your crib.”
“Trent you Caniving little-”
With that the douche dissapeared. Leaving me alone, soggy cold and cursing the prick to high heaven. Stumbling back, I made my way towards the Lakehouse. Making sure I stood far away from the lake. Once I made it to the Lakehouse. I took a hot shower and knocked back a few painkillers. My head was pounding. Buster the absolute turncoat he was acted like nothing happened. He even wanted to go for another ride. Which of course I obliged. At least one of us was loyal. As for my report I buttered it up. I’m sure to write that I exorcised a malicious entity and created a safehouse in the northeast side of the woods, as well as documenting passive cryptid. That would definitely get me some brownie points with the Bigman.