I have been reading fucked up stories here, thinking that how cool that my life is happy and trouble free for years here.
And here i am, devastated, venting to random people looking for advice and insights. The title happened.
Me and my Wife have been tegother since 9 years. We kinda grew up tegother, working on our lives tegother for our common goals, a happy , hard working and simple life, shared our friends, passwords, and passions. I trusted her unconditionally, she was always a troubled woman because of how her childhood was (nothing extreme)
We bought a house tegother, and have lived there for a good while now, then we decided to have a dog to complete the picture.
We have got the best dog in the world, the cutest puppy that ever exists. She was healthy, smart, and playful, we bonded with her deeply, bought the best food and often went on adventures. She loved the dog, i loved the dog, it was like living the dream.
After noticing that the dog is not playful, we took her to a vet, who diagnosed her with liver failure due to poisoning. It was a nightmare. She ended up dying an agonizing death, all the while i held her in my arms, because i was still hoping that she survives with all the treatment she received. My wife was supportive, i tried to protect her from the trauma. I buried her, made a police report for poisoning, and my miserable life continued.
Long story short, after 2 years, she changed. I tought for the better, because she is advancing herself, realizing her bad traits and trying to improve upon it. She started to have bad episodes where she became hysterical and i had to calm her down. She then seeked professional help, medicine and therapy seems to help her.
NOW comes the rugpull of my life.
In one of her episodes she confessed to me that she killed our dog. With poison. All the suffering that our dog had to go through was all her doing. And i didnt even suspect a thing. I was even surprised how well she handled the situation and how supportive she was with the death of our dog.
My life shattered.
I have tought that i know everything and everyone. Its obvious that i dont know shit.
My life is a life. I wasted more than half my life on a lie. Every part of our life is intervined. Our house, our work, our friends. Even parts of myself.
I have not talked to her since. We live in the same house and i pretend that she doesnt exist.
The woman who i gave my life for is a stranger to me now. I can not trust her. I cannot even look at her.
She is very apologetic, and for the past weeks her life was all about changing herself for the better. I feel like its genuine.
I loved the life that we built tegother but now it all feels like a dream.
The obvious reaction from me to get mad and throw her out. But i can not do that. I know i should. But for some reason i still love and feel responsible for her. If i were to leave her life, im confident that she would suicide.
I can not take a step anywhere now. My life is a minefirld.
Forgiveness is an option, but i can not forgive the suffering she caused to my dog, and how she played me like a twisted doll for years. However i love my life and i would need a restart button on my life if i were to leave her.
Leaving her is the logical solution, but then im left with eternal guilt due to her committing suicide. I KNOW that i should not feel responsible for that, but i still care about her and want to support her on bettering herself and completing her therapy.
I have no idea what do to with my life at this point.
I want to stay, but i want to leave. I want to cut all contacts with her, but also support her.
I was always the person of objective logical thinking but i fail to come up with a solution.
I dont feel hatred. I dont feel rage. I’m just apathetic towards everything and everyone.