I ended up in a dead bedroom relationship at 33. For those of you lucky enough to be unfamiliar with the term, it means my wife won’t fuck me. I don’t know if she fell out of love, doesn’t find me attractive anymore or just lost her libido as she got older. She won’t say. Doesn’t matter, the result is the same: blue balls.
In fact, my wife, Kasey, had been silent on the subject of her faking sleep when I tried to initiate sex up until a few weeks ago. I was in our apartment, taking advantage of a balmy day in Anaheim by reading with the window open when she came up to me and sat on the floor cross-legged, an indication she meant business.
“So…” said Kasey “I’ve been thinking of what we can do to spice up the bedroom…”
I raised my brow and closed my book. “I wasn’t sure you’d even noticed things needed spicing up,” I said a little too aggressively.
She ignored me, thankfully, and continued. “There’s a ritual I want to try. It’s serious though…”
Now, I should preface this by mentioning my wife is into witchcraft. It’s been pretty sick, she’s brought dead birds back to life, hexed my exes. Hell, she’d even used her skills once before in the bedroom to alter our minds so we switched bodies. (I have experienced the female orgasm.)
Suffice to say when she mentioned “ritual” in a sexual context I beat the Boy Scout record for pitching a tent.
My book went sliding down my lap and thumped on the floor as I reached out and took her hand. “What’s your idea?”
“Look, it’s going to be more work than sex for a little bit, but I want to summon something.”
“And what’s that?”
“Zoth-Ommog,” she said, staring into my eyes. “Third son of Cthulhu.”
“Umm babe. Come on,” I laughed. Kasey had opened my eyes to a lot of things witchcraft I previously thought impossible, but they weren’t as outlandish as summoning a monster. I always thought deep down there was a reasonable explanation for her witchcraft success. Like she was some sort of magician who hid her tricks.
The birds were never really dead, my ex-girlfriends had shitty luck, she gave me ecstasy and LSD before pinning my legs up and pegging me with a Bad Dragon. Etcetera.
But this? Summoning an actual monster? It felt like she didn’t have what it took to pull this out of her sleeve.
“Isn’t Cthulhu like as big as a skyscraper? How are you going to summon him in our two- bedroom apartment?”
“Cthulhu and his offspring can alter their size at will. As small as a worm or as big as a world.” The matter of fact tone she spoke in caused me to laugh again, but there was something deathly serious about her expression.
“Fine, what does this ritual involve?”
She gave me the low down and let me tell you it did not sound sexy. Essentially, one person had to perform the ritual while the other person essentially was the ritual. I would have hot wax poured on me… things put in me… and apparently Zoth-Ommog was aquatic. We had to do something with our coffee percolator and a water tank so he could even breath.
“Babe can’t we start… slower. Get intimate with each other once again before we jump to something like this?”
With that Kasey jumped up. “Absolutely not. For this to work I need at least a month of abstinence.”
I felt relived yet conflicted at the same time. We’d had a dead bedroom for 4 months. Maybe she was being extra safe and had this ritual in mind since she started not sleeping with me.
I sighed and leaned back in my chair. “Can I think about it?” She just stared at me coldly. I waved my hand in front of her face. “Hello?”
“Fine. You can think about it. But if you don’t make up your mind quick, I’m blocking your number and staying at my sisters. Besides, I can always do this with Mark.”
My cheeks burned. Mark occupied our apartment’s 2nd bedroom. Although he’s just our roommate now, we were in a poly relationship for a while before I cut it off. At first, an open relationship seemed like a dream. I thought I’d be banging hot chicks left and right, but it turns out that’s a lot harder than I thought.
“Hey, hey, hey. Don’t do anything with Mark. That’s like… not cool man.”
“We don’t have much time. You don’t get it, I’ve been receiving dreams from the cosmos to summon Zoth-Ommog, third son of Cthuhlu. And when this lunar cycle ends so does my chance.”
I held up my hands, a bit sketched out. “Just let me think about it.”
She just spun on a heel and left the room.
Ok, so I didn’t have a great relationship. But all my other girlfriends I tried to go poly with said no. I wanted to have my cake and eat it too. And I deserve that. Ladies have never understood what a catch I am. In a world of assholes, I’m an actual nice guy.
I went for walk to clear my head. Did I really want this? I was so conflicted I walked and walked until long past sunset. I got back late, very late. After midnight. Kasey’s shoes were gone, and I panicked that she went to spend the night at her sister’s. I sent her a frantic text.
“I’ll do it! I’ll do it, ok? Let’s summon this thing.”
She didn’t respond. We were both night owls and I figured she was still awake. She left me on read. I went into my bedroom and exhausted from walking a dozen miles, fell into a deep sleep.
I woke to a door slamming. I realized Kasey must be home. A few minutes later, our bedroom door opened, and I felt the covers being pulled off me. I had agreed to this, so I had to take it.
I must admit, I was actually fairly aroused for the first bit. She left the lights off thankfully but my arousal was soon assaulted from the stench of ammonia and other stink that filled the room as things got hotter and heavier.
Kasey was soaked in lube and angry, she turned me over like I was weightless. I won’t get into the nitty gritty, but the Bad Dragon must’ve been brought out again. When it was over, I didn’t think I’d walk for days.
The bed creaked as her weight left it and Kasey closed the door behind her. I lay panting on the bed, relived that some of the things she’d mentioned in her ritual like hot candle wax were left out.
I went out to the kitchen and when I reached the refrigerator I paused, confused. There was a note hung under a magnet; in Kasey’s handwriting it read,
“Went to my sister’s. It’s already done so don’t bother texting.”
I frowned and opened my phone. Kasey hadn’t responded to my text but that wasn’t out of the ordinary. “Kasey?” I said aloud. Her shoes weren’t by the door. She’d left again. I called her and she picked up on one of the last rings.
“What do you want?” she said, annoyed.
“Hey, where’d you go? I can’t even get some post-summoning sex cuddles?”
I frowned as there were heavy, slithering footsteps behind me, but I didn’t dare turn around. Suddenly, my mind began to put the pieces into place.
“What the fuck are you talking about?” asked Kasey.
Something leaked down onto my shoulder—a gloppy saliva that looked like lube. There was something very large behind me now, that reeked of ammonia and sucked in strange, labored breaths.
“I’m talking about the m- monster summoning. The sex we just had…”
“What sex?” Kasey snapped. “Didn’t you read the note on the fridge? I did it with Mark. He’s summoned already and resting in Mark’s room—and don’t you dare wake him.”
“Umm… wake who?” But I knew. Oh, I knew.
“Who do you fucking think?” thundered Kasey. “Zoth-Ommog, third son of Cthuhlu.”
“Oh, pfft. You really believe in that magic crap? You Lovecraftian fangirl, get fucked!”
I hung up on her and tossed the phone on the counter as the words “get fucked” echoed through my head. It was make believe. Fairy tales. It all came from the imagination of a man.
“Right?” I said aloud but just then a starfish-like limb slithered down my back and spanked my bottom.
“Right,” I said quieter. My voice quivering this time.