March 20th, 2021
Hello everyone, it is I, the Amanda Hamm. I am coming at you from your favorite corner of the internet. Now I know y’all know me. I’m this town’s top influencer/party girl/entrepreneur/girl boss. But I’m also a real person. And I understand that while the internet is a fun place to connect, it is also sometimes a harsh cruel place.
In short, I read the comments.
While most of you are beautiful and amazing people, there are some of you out there that have been constantly picking on me. And worst of all, you’re picking on my weight. That’s something I’ve struggled with for my whole life and I get it. I’ve gained a few pounds, but y’all are so mean about it.
I understand that it’s 2021 and we shouldn’t feel like we have to live life by old beauty standards, but it’s still hard. And I know I’ve gained some weight and that’s something I’m not comfortable with either. But I am out there, partying every night. And every day, I’m exploring this town and taking in all that I can… I guess I took in too much and it’s catching up with me. I look back on the quest to try a slice of pizza from every place in town as the culprit. But that was such a fun video to make!
And so! I used some of that Patreon money y’all have been so generously been sending and I have decided to invest in a personal chef. Her name is Kitty and y’all, she means business. She speaks fast and in short sentences. I can tell her was getting frustrated by the way I talk and talk and talk. But she’ll learn to love me. Doesn’t everyone?
I know you’re never supposed to trust a skinny chef, but I figured if I want to get skinny, I should learn from the best. But this woman is rail thin. I swear you could practically see her bones. I felt like such a cow next to her. But, she obviously seems to know what she’s doing. She asked a bunch of questions about my favorite foods and my size and all that. So fingers crossed it’s gonna be good. I’ll let y’all know.
Update: Y’all! Kitty rules. She just started and has me on a crazy diet. First thing was to get rid of all my mirrors. She does not want me to constantly look at her work. Which makes sense to me.
I’m not too sure all of the details (you know me, numbers and details aren’t my thing). But right now she has me eating two dozen homemade donuts. Apparently something about the high calories will give me the energy to work out better or something. I’m not the scientist, so don’t ask. However, I am eating now and I don’t feel full of energy, I feel a little bloated. But she’s the boss. One thing was a little weird. I asked what happens if I don’t finish all of the donuts and the look in her eyes was wild. Like super scary. Like there was a storm in her eyes. She just said very sternly that I must finish everything she makes. And then went back to cooking. And like, these are amazing. I’ve polished off six since I started this update and I’m pretty full, but Kitty’s the boss! The scary and strict boss. I better get going though! Dinner is in an hour and I need to finish these donuts by then. But it’s pizza night tonight! Talk to you soon.
April 13, 2021
Hello everyone, it is I, the Amanda Hamm. Or should I say, the new and improved Amanda Hamm. I have been on Kitty’s diet and y’all it rules. Every day I wake up to the smell of bacon. When I make it to the kitchen, Kitty has made quite the spread. There’s always waffles and pancakes and eggs and bacon and bagels. It’s incredible. As per her orders, I have to eat everything she makes. Once I’m done it’s time to work out. Well, first I nap while I work out. Yup, you read that, my work outs are the naps!
So Kitty explained it to me. Because I’m eating so much, my body is naturally working out all the time to constantly burn all the food I’m eating. So the more I eat, the more my body will work to burn it all off. And the higher calorie the meal, the harder the work outs will be. It makes so much sense. You know the expression, “no pain, no gain”, well I eat until I am practically bursting all the time so it is definitely working.
But anyways, after my first work out, it’s lunch time. And then after that, I take another work out. When I wakte up, it’s dinner time, then dessert, and after all that, I’m exhausted, so I get milkshakes in bed. It has been tough adjusting to this new rigourous routine, but Kitty is the best. She is just so concerned and makes sure I push myself so that I am in the best shape I can be. What an amazing friend!
And I feel great! Unfortunately Kitty decided to do my laundry and like a real dummy she shrunk most of it. But she was going to go out and go shopping for me. Which is great. I didn’t know that the new trend was to cut out all the tags on clothes, thankfully Kitty is helping me stay cool (do cool people still say cool? lol!) And I’m excited to show off my new figure to fellow local influencer and my friend, Jenna Cake. She should be coming by later. I’m so pumped!
Update: Jenna is running super late. I tried to call her, but her phone goes to voicemail. Which means it’s off. Which if you know Jenna, you know is strange.
Update: Still no Jenna, but Kitty is making the most amazing steaks tonight. I didn’t know we had any steak in the house, but Kitty must have gone shopping during one of my workouts. It smells amazing. I hope Jenna gets here soon!
July 27, 2021
Hello everyone, it is I, the Amanda Hamm. First and foremost, I want to say to all the Jenna Cake fans on this blog, we are not giving up hope. I know no one has seen her in a few weeks, but we cannot give up hope. She is an amazing friend and I am sure we will find her soon. Also, just so everyone knows, I am aware that her car was found up the road from my house. I went to the police and gave a full statement. She is my friend and I was so looking forward to having her over. It’s like she disappeared, but I’m sure she’ll reappear soon. I am positive she will turn up.
I also wanted to address all the “scientists” in the comments who don’t believe in Kitty’s work. It’s easy to criticize someone and their methods from behind a keyboard, but Kitty is amazing. Her food is delicious and it feels like the pounds are melting away. And just to shut everyone up, I’m going to jump on the scale right now.
Update: we cannot find the scale. It was weird, when I asked Kitty, her eyes twitched. I figured she just must be excited that I want to check on her great work of slimming me down. I told her I needed to find one to shut the trolls up.
Update: Wow. What a rollercoaster I was on. So I found an old scale that looked like it was purposely destroyed and when I stepped on it, I almost passed out. It said I weighed 350 pounds. Which would have meant that I gained two hundred pounds in four months. But that couldn’t be the case because I have been sticking to this strict diet.
THANKFULLY Kitty cleared it up. See, the scale was very old and needed to be recallibrated. So we took something that we knew the weight of, the last five pounds of pot roast and Kitty had me eat that. Which was tough because I was already very full, but I did it! Once I gulped down the last bite though, my abs were so ripped and bloated that I couldn’t see my feet, let alone the scale. Thankfully Kitty was there to tell me I’m at 110 pounds! So I’ve lost fourty pounds in four months and I feel great. Now will y’all just believe me?
August 18, 2021
Hello everyone, it is I, the Amanda Hamm. I am currently finishing up my third full fried chicken of the day and am feeling buff. I swear, this Kitty is a miracle worker. All of the clothes she buys me just hangs right off. And she’s constantly changing out my outfits so I always look fresh. Although it is strange because the other day, after I ate a seven layer cake on my own, my butt got stuck in the chair! It was so embarrassing! But Kitty explained that all of my working out is making my butt thicc. And I’m OK with that. LOL!
You know what’s ironic? I’m here getting toned and slim. And poor Kitty has been packing on the pounds.
It started after my parents said they were coming to visit. But they got here while I was sound working out and when I woke up there was a typed note saying they had to leave right away. Their loss, Kitty made the most amazing ribs that night. And man, she really pigged out.
Then, my sister was coming over because she was worried about something (she’s always worried about something). But she also never came by. I got a text from her saying “Amanda, I am not coming. Everything is OK.” It’s a little strange because my sister always calls me Mandy, but whatever. Something’s clearly up with her. She hasn’t returned my calls but she’ll pop up soon.
Anyways, after she didn’t show, Kitty made the greatest cheese burgers I have ever had. I swear I had about twenty that night. But Kitty must have put away double that. She’s starting to get pretty chubby. But I appreciate her making all of the healthy pies and cakes and cookies and milkshakes and cheesesteaks and beers and everything for me. While I guess she’s pigging out on fattening foods and it’s starting to show.
But, there’s always drama. I don’t get why y’all don’t understand how great Kitty has been. Seriously, she’s like the only person I’ve seen in months and is so kind to me. She’s constantly feeding me and massaging me and making sure I’m comfortable. The way she looks at me after I finish a meal is a look of a true friend. She always looking longing at me and licking her lips. It is so cute. I think she might have a crush on me. I mean, who doesn’t, right?
However, to show that everything is on the level, I’ve decided to let three of my best fans come over. So check your inboxes: Charlie Fries, Shauna Pork, and Tricia Cobbler. You three will get an exclusive tour.
Update: All three fan confirmed that they were coming almost immediately. I guess y’all have been following my weight loss story closely. I’ll go let Kitty know to expect guests. I am sure she is going to make a feast.
Update: All three fans were a no-show. I guess there is a “covid” concern. But like, get over it. I am super safe.
Update: They missed out. Kitty went nuts on cooking. I have never seen so much meat before in my life. And you know me, I am a carnivore. It was such a great night. Kitty and I seriously binged hard. We ate so much and had such a good time.
September 25, 2021
Hello everyone, it is I, the Amanda Hamm. I am so excited! Kitty said that tonight is the most special night of our partnership and I’m going on a special trip as a reward. She’s said I am as fit as I’m going to be and y’all I feel it. I have been working out so much that it feels like even walking has gotten to be tough. I swear, just moving around has gotten to be such a work out. Any time I’ve moving, I’m out of breath. I’m really pushing myself! Thankfully Kitty has been bringing me most of my meals.
Also, I’m glad I’m going on a trip because my house needs some work. Did you know that over time, door frames can shrink? Old homes are weird. Kitty was even telling me how it’s common for furniture to break because people sitting in it are in too good of shape. I never heard it, but that makes sense to me.
But I feel great. I’m constantly full, so my body is working over time. This morning, Kitty suggested I take a gravy bath and it was so soothing. I just laid in there for hours eating all of the platters of stuffing Kitty brought me. Ha, I’m stuffed with stuffing. My body is working so hard that I swear, I cannot even stand up. This diet is great.
I suggested that Kitty should go on this. That poor woman is really blimping up. And I know I shouldn’t be catty about Kitty (lol) but you’d think for someone who is so good at diets, she’d stay trim herself. I saw her leave to see the neighbors a few nights ago. I was looking for seconds fifths on my ice cream sundaes and I saw her out the window. The poor thing must have eaten the neighbors out of house and home, she looked so bloated coming back home I thought she was going to start rolling. I was a little offended that they didn’t invite me over for dinner. But Kitty explained that their food wasn’t on my diet plan, so it’s best I don’t look for my neighbors and get tempted. That Kitty sure is thought ful.
But it seems no one’s home these days anyways. I looked out my windows and their mail is practically bursting out of the box. Just like Kitty is bursting out of her jeans. Sorry! Last one!
I am just so proud of myself. I made a promise to drop the weight. I found the best chef to help make that happen and I’ve put in the work. There were so many times when I didn’t think I could eat another pound cake, but I did. When Kitty said I had to drink a keg of beer in a night and I did even though I thought about quitting. I stuck with it. And now look at me. Well, you can’t, all of my cameras are broken. But what you see in front of you would shock you, believe me.
Update: OK! Kitty just told me that it’s time to get moving. She said that too many people have gone missing (?) and now she has to go too! That makes sense, I’m sure she’s in such high demand that she needs to get to her next client. I’m so excited for my trip. I am a little worried about how full I am. I really cannot stand up right now. Whew, my body is working hard! I hope Kitty can help me get out of this gravy tub soon.
Update: Kitty just said it’s time for one last meal together. I dunno. I am still stuffed with stuffing. But, I can always make room for her food. I hope I can change first, Kitty just dumped a gallon cream on me. And while it’s delicious, I feel sticky. Although, it’s mixing with the gravy well.
Update: OK, time for this feast! I am still covered in cream and gravy. Eh, it’s tasty! Thankfully Kitty is coming to me because I still cannot stand on my own. I hope my tub didn’t shrink like my couch did! I just tried to stand and something felt off. She looks so happy though. Truly, what a great friend. I don’t see any food, which is strange. This might be the first time she’s empty handed. Whatevs, she can use it, she’s really blimped up.
Maybe it’s cause I’m too full to stand, but I’ve never noticed how big her belly has gotten or how wide her mouth can get. You know, being down here, unable to get up, covered in butter, filled to the brim with stuffing, I’m wondering if maybe some of y’all trolls had a point. Like it’s weird that she said a lot of people went missing, right? Kitty did say I’d be reunited with my parents and sister soon. They must be on vacation whereever I’m going! But I’m looking at myself in the reflection of the gravy and I seem a little rounder than I thought someone who weighed one hundred pounds (according to Kitty) should. I’m starting to wonder if I’ve put on a some weig
September 26, 2021
Hello you all. I am Amanda. Everything is OK. I am on vacation. No phone or computer here. Bummer. Kitty is a great cook and good friend. You all should hire her. DM me here for her number. She can start next week. Not sooner. Her schedule is very very full right now.
See you all soon.