“Congrats Mr. Wooten, you’re hired. Come in Monday morning and we will give you orientation”, said the ecstatic voice on the phone.
Thank God. My unemployment had just ran out and bills were coming due. I needed a job. It sure was difficult finding one too. You see so many “nobody wants to work” complaints, but hardly anyone is hiring. I laid out a first day business casual outfit, trimmed my beard, and awaited
I pulled into the parking lot the following morning to meet an enthusiastic HR rep. She led me to my supervisor, Mr. Hatch.
“Mr. Hatch, I want to introduce you to your newest employee, Mr. Wooten”, she said as she waved me a goodbye to leave me with my new superior.
“Hello Mr. Wooten. We are so excited to have you here. Let me show you your cubicle and show you what you will be doing”.
He walked me to my desk area and showed me countless training videos. Basically I would be working in the customer service department for a blue collar company that manufactures hubs for some of the nation’s largest automotive companies. Sounds great, right?
“If you will, kindly log into to your email and read your introduction email, and come see me if you have any questions”, he said as he walked off.
I logged on the computer and read the email.
Hello new employee,
We here at [redacted] look forward to having you as a team player in supplying hubs to our great customers. We take great pride in our product, but also in our commitment to maintaining a positive work ethic.
In your work desk, there is a copy of our standards and rules. We have a very strict code of conduct, but I’m sure you will agree it is for the best. While we do understand it is difficult to remember all the rules, we encourage you to study them frequently, make flash cards if you must. If you have any questions regarding the rules, please contact your supervisor who will be happy to elaborate.
Unfortunately, we have a strict no rehire policy.
Thank you,
Axel Sharpe Plant manager
There was also a link in the email that showed a cartoon umpire do a three strike count and then a lumberjack hit a man with an axe. It was hilarious as it was extremely pixelated like an old video game.
Well, that’s was interesting. I figured I may as well thumb through the book. A lot of the rules made sense.
Rule 7: we do not discuss politics in the workplace
Rule 22: while it is okay to talk sports, the conversation must end before arguments arises.
Rule 31: no personal cell phone use while not on break.
And then some of them were……odd
Rule 45: keep an extra change of clothes in your locker should you have a spill.
Rule 1: always keep a smile on your face. This helps keep the rest of the rules easier and boosts everyone’s mood.
Strange, I thought. I did consult with my supervisor and he assured me that the rules are a lot, but they are for the betterment of the company. That accidents do happen, and rules do get broke. After 2 strikes, a consultation with the plant manager happens. 3 is a termination. Strikes come off after a year of incident, which I thought was harsh. He also reminded me to fix my shirt as it was becoming untucked.
The following weeks were going okay. I was getting the hang of the job, the pay was decent and I had made a couple commissions. We were called for a mandatory plant meeting. In walked the plant manager.
Mr. Sharpe is a very tall and stout man. He is built like a tank and had some python like arms. He was wearing a red flannel tucked into his khakis.
“Well thank you for coming in, crew. As many of you know, we always have a meeting regarding employees getting terminated. However, there is a new employees. Will you say hello to the family, Mr. Wooten”, he winked.
I have a generous smile and waved to the room.
“Thank you, Mr. Wooten. Now we are going to bring in Mr. Butler into the room and refresh everyone on our rule policy. Bring him in, Mr. Inning. A short man wearing a Dodgers hat(hats were okay on Fridays) brought in a man duct taped to a chair. The man was bleeding and bruised and sniffling. I recognized him. That was Mr. Jinx. He was one of the blue collar boys that ran the CNC equipment.
“On August 4th, Mr. Jinx microwaved salmon in the break room, breaking rule 17”. The crowd booed. “On October 19th, he was one minute late clocking in. Need I remind everyone? Please give yourself extra time to get here. Our attendance policy doesn’t allow tardiness, rule 2. And finally, he jammed his finger today while operating equipment and used a swear word, breaking rule 11. You guys know what we do”.
“AXE EM”, my coworkers yelled in unison. I sat there nervously as I felt a pit in my stomach. Inning handed Sharpe an axe and with one swift motion, Mr. Jinx’s head was rolling towards me.
I screamed and began to faint, hearing Mr. Inning yell, “Wooten. STEEEEEER-Ike One”.
I awoke in the nurses office with a cold towel on my head and a ginger ale in my hand.
“Welcome back”, I heard from Mr. Hatch. “Thought we lost you there a second”.
“I need to go home”, I said as I tried to stand up.
“I wouldn’t do that if I were you, Wooten”, he said coy like. “You wouldn’t want to get two strikes on the same day. You already got one from rule 18, making a disturbance. Here, let me help you up. Go change your clothes and get back to your station”.
I worked the rest of the day and looked through the book again.
Rule 100: no quitting
Rule 87: no whistleblowing to outside sources.
Rule 49: no coming to work sick. (You get one sick day after a year).
Rule 99: No unionizing, talks of unionizing, gathering outside of the workplace.
Rule 27: mandatory overtime is a termination automatically if missed.
The next few months, I was doing okay. I went to several more axe-ings. I even cheered with my coworkers. I reminded people to smile and clean their appearance. But then one day, I got strike two. For taking too long of a bathroom break. Rule 61.
I was brought in to a meeting room with Sharpe, Inning, and Hatch.
“Mr. Wooten, we’re here to discuss your disciplinary actions. As you are are aware, we have a rule book for a reason. You’ve broken two rules and you’ve still got seven months until the first one comes off. I don’t want to remind you, but you’ve seen the meetings. You’ve seen the axe-ings. Good help is hard to come by and we can’t keep employees because you guys think you can do what you want”.
“Mr. Sharpe if I may-“, I tried to ask.
“Ah ah ah”, he waved his finger. “You need to understand how serious our rules are. But I will let you explain, why were you in the bathroom for 3 additional minutes”.
“I’m not sick…but my stomach is upset. You see I had this Turkey sandwich and it didn’t agree with me. I’m so embarrassed and I’m sorry”.
Mr Inning piped up, “Maybe you could fast rather than eat on company time. That would be a true team player and it would save you from getting tummy aches”.
“Excellent idea, Mr. Inning”, said Sharpe. Now Hatch is going to discipline you here. Will you remove your shirt, please”?
“My… my shirt”, I asked.
“Yes. The next three minutes won’t be a rule breaking time. Please refrain from profanity to the best of your ability”.
I removed my shirt and Inning held my hand. “One more strike and you’re out”.
Hatch came up with a branding iron that was red hot and stuck it to my chest. I screamed at the intense pain I was feeling as tears rolled down my cheeks. Inning quickly covered my mouth and grinned. They beat me a couple minutes. At the end of the period, Sharpe looked satisfied.
“Well I feel this was a productive meeting. I think Mr. Wooten here will remember his lesson and not break any more rules. Plus he is showing his company pride”. He was referring to the company logo that was burned into my skin.
Nearly a year from my initial strike was almost up. I had seen twenty axe-ings, I worked overtime, missed family gatherings to attend family functions, and was even leaving the house very early to make sure I had an extra hour in the parking lot so I wouldn’t be late.
But some things are out of control. A traffic jam. A city bus had flipped on its side and blocked the road. I took back roads, sped but was caught by a trooper going 20 over. After a stern talking to and a ticket, I sped off again once I knew he was gone. A school bus stopped to let kids off but I ran past it, I ran stop lights, and cut off a few cars. I made it to the parking lot and looked at my clock. One minute late.
One minute late. That’s strike 3. I saw the security guard point at me and on his siren, yell for me to come in. But I u-turned out. I just made it past the gate before it could pin my car in. I heard Inning yell at the guard. “You let him get away. That’s Steeeeeer-Ike one for you”.
HR has all my info. They know where I live. I drove past my apartment to see the security guard waiting by my door the following day. The only choice I have now is to run. I won’t share where I’m at. You never know where internal affairs are.