My weekend was pretty normal. Carlos called me up on Saturday night. “My mom’s doing better,” he said. “We got the maggots out. She needs time to get better.”
“What about everyone else?” I asked. “Your brothers and sisters?”
“They’re okay,” he said. “Couldn’t get their old jobs back. Gonna have to get a job soon.”
“But, like, how are they doing?”
He didn’t answer right away. “They’re good,” he said. “Not great, good. They were stuck in the dollhouse just like my mom was. Said it felt like they were underwater, except they could breathe. It’s weird.”
“Why couldn’t we get them out first?” I asked. “Maybe they could have helped us with your mother.”
“That’s not the way it works,” said Carlos. “It’s harder for him to control you the older you are. Ren says it’s something about how long you’ve had your life. Did he tell you the way you get magic is, you just live your normal life? It’s like that. My mom has had a normal life longer than anyone else, so she’s the most powerful one of my family. That’s why she pushed out first.”
I slept well that night. Except that I woke up an hour early and spent a long time staring at the ceiling. Never look at the clock when you’re trying to fall asleep. All you’ll be able to think about is everything you have to do the next day. Anyway, I went into work that morning (I work Sunday through Thursday) and felt more normal than I had in a few weeks.
My phone rang. It was Ren. “Are you at work?” he asked. I said I was. “Make an excuse,” he said. “Tell them you’re sick. Then meet me at my place. It’s an emergency.” He hung up before I could ask any questions. I hate it when he does that.
This might sound weird, but I hate lying. Really, really, really hate it. I actually think I would rather kill someone than say something I know isn’t true. Because killing somebody can be an honest act, not that I want to do that either. The point is, I wasn’t going to make something up in order to get myself out of work. If I was going to tell my supervisor that I was sick, I was going to make myself sick. So I made myself a big cup of coffee, emptied every salt packet I could find into it, and chugged it.
I’ll spare you the details of what happened in the bathroom shortly after my shift began. Let’s just say that when I told my supervisor that I wasn’t feeling well, I was telling the truth. I biked home as quickly as I could without making myself feel even worse, drank some herbal tea, and caught the bus over to Ren’s place. Carlos texted me saying that Ivan had just threatened a former coworker of his. He hadn’t kidnapped the guy’s family yet, but the guy had found a couple of teeth in his breakfast cereal. Ivan hadn’t learned anything from this past few weeks.
By the time I got there, it was almost two hours since he had called. Ren buzzed me into his apartment almost immediately and the door opened before I was even finished knocking. The man who greeted me was a middle-aged black guy I had never seen before. He identified himself as Reynolds, Carlos’ mother’s boss. He had encountered people like Ivan before, so when she told him that she had been taken prisoner by an evil warlock, he believed her more readily than most would.
“There’s a lot of weird shit out there,” he said. “Most of it’s in plain sight. People don’t want there to be more to it than just what makes them comfortable.”
“Wise words,” I said. “What are we doing?”
He led me into Ren’s living room. Ren had painted a circle on his carpet in black. Wow, things must be really dire. That carpet was cream-colored. Ren had just done irreparable damage to it so that we could all perform this spell. Oh yeah, Carlos’ family was there too, including his grandmother and preteen brother. His mother wasn’t there. He said she still needed to recover.
“So what are we doing?” I asked.
“We’re going to Ivan’s place,” said Ren. The wounds on his face were looking a little better, but not much.
“Not enough room in the car?” I asked.
“Not like that,” said Reynolds. “We’re making a gate.”
Ren told everyone to stand in a circle. They had removed all the furniture from the living room so that we had enough space for this. He stood in the center of the circle holding some musty old book. Carlos’ sister walked around the circle handing out white candles to all of us. She took her place in the circle and lit her candle, passing the flame to the next person. We did this until all of our candles were lit. Then Ren started to read from his spellbook.
I expected him to speak an unfamiliar language, but the spell was in English. He called upon some long-forgotten god to grant us the power to purify Ivan’s soul so that he would no longer want to do evil. The invocation lasted only a minute or two. Then everyone blew out their candles.
The room went pitch black. That was weird considering that it was still daytime outside, and natural light peeked into that room even with the curtains drawn and the lights off. Reynolds illuminated the place with the flashlight on his phone. Others followed suit. We were no longer in Ren’s apartment. This space was spacious, but messy. Empty pizza boxes and takeout containers were piled everywhere, along with dirty laundry and art supplies. The black circle was still there, although this floor was hardwood. I spotted a dollhouse in the corner.
“Ivan,” I said. “We’re at his place.”
Reynolds nodded. The place was dark except for the light from our phones. Ivan must have blackout curtains or something. I wondered if he was taking this whole good-and-evil thing a little too literally. Ren’s apartment was all beige and cream colors. Everything in Ivan’s apartment was dark. It was as if he hated the idea of anything light.
“Where is he?” whispered one of Carlos’ brothers. We searched the room. Somebody reached for a light switch but Ren told them not to touch it, saying that we needed to bring our own light for this. Ivan was not in here. Very cautiously, we searched the apartment. Every room was messy and smelly. The bathroom had mold growing on the tiles. The sink was piled with dirty dishes even though there was a dishwasher right next to it. The bed was unmade. If anyone had made any effort to maintain this place, it would be a great place to live. Instead, it was disgusting.
Ren and I poked around the bedroom. He had a sword now, an actual medieval sword. I asked him where he got it and he said it was all part of the spell. “How’s the warehouse?” he asked.
“It’s turning to teeth,” I said. “The floor, the tools, even some of the snacks in the breakroom.”
“Yeah,” he said. “It’s the same at Carlos’ grandma’s. My place isn’t too bad. It’s my power that keeps Ivan out of there. It’s why we had to do the spell at my place. I’m the only one whose will is strong enough to resist him.”
“I don’t think he’s here,” I said, checking under the bed. Ren was searching the closet. “What are we gonna do when he comes back? Can you take him?”
“We’re not trying to kill him, we’re trying to purify him,” said Ren. “The only way we can make sure he doesn’t do it again is if we turn his soul.”
“That’s not true,” said Carlos. He stood at the door, having apparently heard us while walking by. “I told you we should have used black candles,” said Carlos. “That’s the color for when you wanna get rid of somebody.”
“Why get rid of?” said Ren. “What if we can help him?”
Carlos motioned around at the filthy apartment. “Help? This guy? There’s no helping. He’s evil.”
“What’s evil?” asked Ren.
“Somebody who doesn’t want to be good,” I said. Ren looked at me. He didn’t say anything. I’ve seen that look before. My mother always gives it to me when she’s not angry, just disappointed. I hate feeling that way. As hard as I tried, I couldn’t see Ren’s point. Ivan fired Carlos, kidnapped his family, and turned the places that were important to us into teeth. Can you reason with somebody like that? He seemed to me like the sort who just liked to watch the world burn.
Something broke apart in the living room. It was a loud sound, like something wooden exploding. We rushed back in. Ivan was there on his hands and knees in front of the shattered remains of the dollhouse. Reynolds was there too, having been knocked on his back when the dollhouse exploded. Ivan had a sword next to him. He got to his feet, shaking off a few wooden shards as he did so. He picked up the sword and faced Ren, Carlos and me.
“I figured out where he was hiding,” said Reynolds. He was getting to his feet too, but very slowly.
“That you did,” said Ivan. He pointed the sword at Ren. The rest of the family drifted warily into the room. They wanted to help but did not know how to proceed. “You wanna turn me?” said Ivan to Ren. He held up the sword. “Fight me.”
Ren and Carlos exchanged glances. I wasn’t sure what to make of Carlos’ expression, but I think he wanted to see just how committed Ren was to his belief that killing Ivan was unnecessary. Ren put his phone in his pocket and held up his sword. The rest of us stood around, lighting the space with our phones. We gave Ivan and Ren as much space as we could. They fought. The fight itself was short and nowhere near as exciting as one would probably expect. Ren took a couple swings and missed. Ivan tripped him. Ren fell to his knees. Ivan drove his sword into Ren’s back and he collapsed. Carlos’ little brother screamed.
Ivan didn’t stand there gloating. Instead. he marched towards the entrance to the hallway. “Out of my way,” he said, and everyone parted. I watched him go and turned my attention to Ren. He wasn’t dead yet, but lay on the carpet moaning. His right hand twitched. He tapped the floor. I knelt next to him.
“Wait for it,” he said, his voice a choked whisper. “There’s a moment you have to…to…wait for. Make sure you go first. He doesn’t expect you.”
I wasn’t sure what all of that meant, but for once I couldn’t blame Ren for not explaining further. Ivan reentered the room carrying a big plastic cooler. He set the cooler on the floor, cleared everything off the coffee table with a sweep of his arm, then set the cooler on the table.
“You’re all here,” he said, looking around at us. “You’re here because you want to see me. That’s it, right? You want to be my friends? Well, I don’t want to be your friend! You’re all a bunch of fuckers.”
He opened the cooler. Everyone in the room grabbed their noses. The smell of manure filled the apartment. Ivan reached into the cooler and held up a pile of animal shit in his cupped hands. “It’s fresh,” he said. “I went to the farms outside the city to get it. Had to drive for hours. But it’s the good stuff.” He began to smear the shit on his face and arms, inhaling deeply as he did. “It doesn’t matter,” he said. “I never had anything. Nobody ever liked me. So I gave up everything. Just the point of it all. There’s no point. Once you realize that, you can do anything.”
He held out piles of manure to us. “Come on guys, what’s the matter?” he said, drops of wet shit falling from his chin as he spoke. There was no hint of irony in his voice. I think he really couldn’t understand why we didn’t want to smear feces all over our faces.
“I’ll have some,” said Ren, his voice barely more than a whisper. “Help me up.”
Carlos and I helped Ren get to his knees. He couldn’t stand up. Reynolds was sitting on an easy chair, still looking a little frail from being knocked off his feet. Carlos’ siblings were just staring.
Ivan stood in front of him, smearing the animal shit all over Ren’s face and clothes. Ren nodded as if he were enjoying it. I admired his resolve. I’m not sure I could have put up with that for all the money in Squid Game. But Ren convinced Ivan that he was enjoying it. He asked Ivan for a hug. Ivan looked delighted.
“Of course,” he said, kneeling in front of Ren and throwing his arms around him. “Brother,” he said, and kissed his cheek. Ren hugged back. He arched his back so that the handle of the sword pointed straight at me. I understood now.
Ivan’s eyes were closed. He was savoring this moment. Maybe this was the closest to anyone that he had ever felt. I stepped forward and grabbed the sword by the handle. Carlos did as well. His siblings and Reynolds all came forward, some putting their hands on the blade. We drove the sword through Ren’s body and into Ivan’s. His eyes opened in shock but he did not scream. I don’t know if this was how he wanted to go. Nothing about him made any sense.
The lights came up. Like they do in a theater at the end of a movie. We were standing back in Ren’s apartment. Ren and Ivan were dead, a sword pushed all the way through their shit-covered bodies so that they were effectively stuck together. They never fell over, instead leaning against each other.
We all took turns using Ren’s bathroom. Thankfully he kept plenty of fresh towels in the linen closet. Even if we didn’t get any shit on us, we all needed to get clean after being in that apartment. The glove still wouldn’t come off. When I tried to pull it off, it tightened slightly. When I stopped pulling, it fluttered. I think it was trying to tell me that it wasn’t all over. Ren’s glove had fallen off, though. Carlos said he would return it to its owner.
I went to see a doctor to make sure my stomach was fine. He told me to just take the rest of the day off and not drink anything caffeinated. Carlos came over to my house and we talked for a while. Everyone else was fine and the teeth were all gone. His glove had come off. Mine still had something to tell me. I asked how they were going to explain Ren and Ivan’s death to the authorities. He just said the friend who gave them the gloves and healed them would take care of it. Maybe there is some kind of spell that will make everything that happened look like an accident. I remember what Reynolds said about people not wanting to see anything that’s too unfamiliar.
When I asked Carlos if there was anything else he needed from me, he just said, “You’re cool, man. Thanks.” Then he left.
The next day at work was normal. The warehouse looked like a warehouse. No teeth. The UPS guy was the old one, porcupine guy. Except he didn’t look like a porcupine anymore. Just another thirtysomething Hispanic fellow. He was still a prick, not getting out of his truck to help us move the boxes and ignoring me when I asked how his day was going. After he left, the glove fell off. I think it was trying to tell me that even when there’s no magic involved, people can still be assholes.
When I went to return the glove to Carlos, he stood at the door and chatted with me. His mother waved to me from the kitchen. Carlos asked me about work and how my family was doing. I asked him why the UPS had been working for Ivan. He said they weren’t, only certain employees. “Ivan needed a way to keep an eye on people,” he said. “Get somebody to work for you and their job is delivering stuff, that’s a good way to do it.” I went back to my house and slept better than I had in weeks.
Carlos and I aren’t exactly friends, but I know I can go to him if I’m ever in a tough spot. Maybe that’s the same thing as a friend. I’ve been invited to Ren’s funeral and will probably go. This whole ordeal was so fucking bizarre. My life is fucking bizarre. But I still have my job, my friends, and a few things to look forward to. From here on out, however, I think I’ll drink tea instead of coffee.