Welcome to Abnorville, the most friggen boring place in America, or at least I think it is, as I’ve never had the pleasure of stepping out side this shitshow of a town due to….. reasons. More on that later…
The name’s Nat. Nat Cowardly. Just an average guy living the rest of his eternity in one of the most monotonous helscapes known to mankind. Nothing exciting or noteworthy EVER happens. Errands. Work. Sleep. Repeat. Things are way too predictable here to the point that I plan my weeks via my handy To-Do List.
I am the chef and owner of the only human-ran restaurant in town, Chez La Strange. The Goblins run a damn monopoly on all things service industry around here, all other restaurants, all retail, they even run a travel agency for interdimentional monsters, which makes traffic super inconvenient. So I’m lucky to even be left with a job at this point.
However, one “perk” is I get to be a product tester AKA test dummy for anything food and beverage related, thanks to our one and only retail corporation, Goblizon. Of course it isn’t free, so let’s hope today’s product is worth it, because I don’t feel like dealing with customer service begging for a refund. Trust me. Not a fun experience.
Today, I’ve received a package of a new instant espresso that hasn’t it the shelves yet, called Purky Pup espresso, which has the lofty claim to hit your bloodstream as soon as it touches your tongue. I’ve heard there’s some kinks, but let’s find out shall we?
Ok, so first glance, it looks like we’re working with a small round container filled with powdered coffee and as soon as you remove the lid, it’s supposed to instantly turn into liquid due to contact with the air. Then you take it as a shot and it’s on to caffeine city.
That’s pretty genius to be honest so maybe this won’t be too bad. Let’s remove this li-… OK that worked way faster than I expected. Bottoms up!
I can already feel my body surging like I got struck by lightening… weird.
Uhhh my muscles seemed to be pulsing and contracting like they wanna jump out of my skin. That’s…. normal coffee drinker stuff… right?
Ok. What the hell is going on…. my canine teeth seem to have grown so much the just cut the outside of my lips….
There’s that muscle feeling again. Shit. I can hear the fabric of my shirt ripping through every stitching… this isn’t good.
I weirdly feel my pupils dilating and my pulse racing. Oh there’s the caffeine high! Cool.
Except… now I’m not only properly caffeinated… but also extremely hairy. No, not in a I-dont-shave-properly way, more of a I-feel-like-i-have-the-fur-of-a-golden-retriever way….
I think… I think im turning into… a werewolf? Maybe? The high feels great though… like I can work for 4 days straight without sleep and also rip off a 500 pound steel door of its hinges. So normal. Those damn goblins scammed me man.
Yea. Definitely a werewolf. A wet nosed, muscular (ok. That part I could get used to), fanged, jittery, loopy werewolf. Like a.. Jitter Wolf. Yea, that’s catchy.
Ok…. yea… this part hurts…. hold on one for a minute… I need… to…. catch… my… brea…..
Body convulsing, violenting fighting hot and cold, eyes feeling bloodshot, feeling the loss of consciousness, like I’m floating above my body, without being able to take control. This isn’t good. If I’m gonna die, it better not be from this crappy coffee.
The feeling of being lightheaded takes over, a static filled darkness filling my eyes, until…. nothing. Pure darkness, I blacked out.
Ok…. I’m back. Uh. I passed out for, according to the clock… 24 hours. I’m no longer experiencing werewolfdom but my entire fridge is empty, my favorite shirt is ruined and all my temporary fur is literally all over my apartment. So, as far as my review, do. Not. Buy. This. Product… By any means. Being a Goblin-made product, my expectations were low, but being turned into a damn monster? That’s a lawsuit waiting to happen.
Damn it. This is the worse case scenario, well besides the whole “possibly dying” thing. Actually maybe this one is worse. The one thing I dreaded. The one thing I loathe in the entire damn world.
I need to visit customer service….
So while I make the dreadful walk to Goblizon Headquarters, I might as well tell you more about the town, or what little there is to know, at least…..
So Abnorville is a town of roughly 500 or so humans, all being descendants of the original settlers of the town. That’s it. No new families settling down, finding their own “slice of paradise” here. Hell, I’m not even sure if people outside of here know we even exist. Why is that you ask?
Well… I’m not 100% sure. This is definitely one of those places where you keep your head down and don’t ask questions. But from what I know, the town is over seen by “The Women of the Meow,” a society of the oldest, kookiest ladies in town. Rumors say they are secretly puppeted by the cats that roam around town, but I think they’re just senile and are afraid of their “precious” town getting soiled by outsiders, or our secret getting ruined.
See, the thing is, Abnorville has multiple cracks throughout every square inch. No, not like faulty architecture (although the library has definitely seen better days), but literal cracks in the ground, caves, and other natural areas. These are portals into different dimensions that house a neverending list of supernatural beings and monsters. The town doesn’t see them as a threat, they see them as “cheap labor” and “means of entertainment.” This is where the Goblins came from, but somehow, they beat the system and are basically second-in-command next to the Women of the Meow. Also, not much is known about the cats and they are barely ever seen, but when they are, it’s usually a bad omen….That’s pretty much all I know about this place I’ve spent my whole life in. So what about me, you ask? Oh, you didn’t ask? I’ll tell you anyway!
So my “apartment” is actually the attic of the restaurant I run, or better put, the restaurant I was forced to run. Chez Le Strange was my father’s restaurant and was always in high regard with the Abnorville Gourmet Committee. The secret was, my father was illegally crossing into the cracks to, what I call, the Creepyverse to find rare ingredients no one ever heard of, thus creating the “most unique dining experience.” However, one day, it all changed when my father left into the cracks to get milk and never came back. Milk from a giant cow-snake hybrid to be exact, known as a Cowbra, who’s milk has the natural taste of vanilla and was the main ingredient in my father’s award winning crème brulée, but I digress.
Humans of Abnorville were forbidden to cross into the Creepyverse, so the Women of the Meow refused to send a search party for my father and he was deemed a disgrace. The next day, my childhood home was engulfed in the biggest flames I’ve ever seen, losing my mother in the process. To this day, I’m still convinced the head of the Women, Madam Gatto, had something to do with it, but have never found proof. With me as the last of the Cowardly bloodline, I made the restaurant my new home and taught myself to cook from my father’s cookbooks, vowing to continue running the restaurant for the rest of my life in my family’s honor.
Phew…. Ok, enough of the doom and gloom, we’re almost there, I swear, we just need to walk passed the creepiest house in the neighborhood, Chateau De La Gatto, where the shudders lovely Madam Gatto I just mentioned, lives. Well, er, lived. She abruptly passed away a few days ago, which honestly is a shock, because being the cold hated woman she was, I thought she would live forever! So with that, the spot as head of the Women and her house are now empty.
Wait. Why… is there a silver car in the driveway? I… I don’t recognize it, that’s not… possible? My stomach sinks. Three cats are on the lawn. They shouldn’t be here, this is… shit, this might be bad.
My heart starts to race, there shouldn’t be someone new here. Why are the cats here?There’s absolutely no way…. I’m sure… it’s nothing right? Oh well, we’ll deal with that later, preferably not at all.
Besides, we’ve arrived! Goblizon Headquarters, the ugliest building in town with the ugliest creatures in town! Still, I can’t help but feel a foreign sense of uneasiness after thinking someone new is in town, there’s no way that can be good. Whatever, I might not even survive this visit to customer service to worry about it anyway!
Alright, deep breath Nat, here we go…..