Have you ever believed in something so strongly that when you found out it wasn’t true your entire world was shattered? Im not talking about finding out Santa isn’t real. When you expand your mind to learn a new concept about the reality of nature nothing is really being shattered because nature already is just as it was. What I’m talking about is something else. Something that shatters the very nature of reality.
Everything started 5 years ago when I was 17 and smoked cannabis for the first time. I was raised in the south by a very religious family in Georgia. Very right-wing, and very old school. Adults told me it was a gateway drug, that I would find myself doing hard drugs in only a short matter of time after breaking this sacred code of being a “good” human. I was told all the lies about cannabis that you’ve probably heard too. For me at least it would lift me out of my depressing thoughts and inspire me to enjoy life. I found getting out in nature more enjoyable and a more overall connection to the entire universe. I became fascinated by the stars and would spend hours in the middle of the night stargazing and looking for planets and different galaxies. I had this craving to know more about the world around me and it all came from doing the one thing the adults told me not to do.
I began to question my parents and all any authority figure in general. If I was only receiving positive benefits from smoking, then who knows what else I was being lied to about. I trusted no one but myself. This is when I took the time to actually read the bible and other books about my own religion. I started to take a step back and question if that was even true. I would read other religion’s books and would find that they were all similar. The most common similarity of them all was that they were written by man. I was taught to feel bad for questioning these things. Any adult in my family that I would bring the subject to would simply say I shouldn’t question the way the world is and just accept that god had a plan for us all or that he worked in mysterious ways. I don’t know what I believe in anymore. I know that there is something greater than the human mind can understand but I wasn’t sure if we could ever reach the point of understanding this.
In this search for the truth I started to experiment with psychedelic drugs. I took mushrooms and LSD and would see thing’s I have never even considered being raised a southern baptist. Like the big bang and all the events that took place leading to this point in time. The evolution of humans from a single organism to this complex creature we are today. I would relive memories as vividly as they were as if I lived them in real life. I started to look at my diet and realize how horrible it was and see the way I was living and all that I am missing out on in life. This food from the gods really gave me the ability to step back and see my own life from an outside perspective. While I was learning all these things and seeing everything in a new, beautiful way, I would learn that I was actually discovering that I knew nothing. The more I would trip the more I would find new questions being asked that I never thought of but I could never find the answers, only the questions.
While doing all this searching I started to resent my family and all the people I thought lied to me. I became isolated from the world other than going to work and meeting with my plug to get whatever was new. I skipped out on all family get togethers and birthdays and locked myself in my room whenever my parents were home. I had a girlfriend who I cut off after she gave me an ultimatum that I had to start going to church with her and her family on Sundays or it wasn’t going to work out. I spent my time trying new drugs, reading books to expand my mind or going online watching the news seeing all the hatred and violence that goes on in the world. If you know about live leaks you may have scratched the surface of what you can be exposed to on the internet. Not only did I read about the stories I was seeing them live in 4k footage. Even though I was learning all these new and beautiful concepts the more I learned the more disgusted and cut off with reality I became.
In an attempt to really dive into the unknown I came across a substance that would forever change my life. It is, at least in my mind, the most sacred of them all. N,N-Dimethyltryptamine (DMT). The first couple of times I tried DMT where actually really fun. I would see all sorts of patterns and shapes that I had never even knew existed and would find myself floating through space and time. Often I would see some sort of alien being that would frighten me and as soon as I felt any emotion of fear it would turn into a human girl or a cartoon character to calm me down. The trips would always end with something telling me, don’t take life so seriously, enjoy it and know that it’s all love. I had never “blasted off” but I got the message, I should have hung up. Being the curious creature that I am I still felt the need to dive deeper. In order to fully blast off and get the true DMT experience you need to keep taking hits even while your mind has already started tripping. Usually after two I am beyond the point of wanting to take another and I have always done it alone so I just stopped there. The next time I would force myself to take the third hit I told myself.
I took my first hit and instantly thing’s started to change. My room had this yellow gold hue and I would see a complex pattern of all sorts of shapes. This was nothing new, time for the second hit. I then began to see a vision that felt like a memory I had already experienced, only this was in the future and I had not yet lived it. I found myself sitting at a table playing a board game with my friends and the crush I had at the time. I saw it what felt like an infinite number of times only it was different in each flash. The friends changed, the game we were playing changed, the way we were sitting changed, but the girl never changed. While this was very strange I could still open my eyes and become aware that I was really just sitting in my room, alone. I couldn’t really function but I had enough sense to go for the third hit.
After managing to take a 3rd hit I was blasted off through my roof and began to rise through the atmosphere into orbit above earth. I noticed how beautiful earth looked from above, the lack of borders, the lack of violence and hatred, it was just a peaceful blue planet. Then I saw what looked like your typical Hollywood grey alien except it was bigger than the entire planet. It took up my entire field of vision and it warned me to never do DMT alone again. Just as it said this I was pushed back down towards earth and back into my room and had become completely sober almost instantly. This left me feeling confused more than frightened. What just happened I kept asking myself. Did I just not take the right amount and my trip was cut short? Even when I took amounts half of what I just did my trips still lasted longer and I never “snapped out of it” as quick as I just had. Was I still tripping? Should I really worry about this and just stop here? Or should I try again? I called it a night and stopped.
Life was pretty normal after this trip. I decided to hide the rest of the DMT and give it a break. I quit any other substances other than smoking weed. If you’ve ever smoked enough you probably know that it suppresses your REM sleep and the ability to recall most of your dreams so when you do quit you typically will have very intense vivid dreams the following days. I wasn’t freaked out about this alien looking being telling me to never try DMT alone I just suddenly felt fully satisfied with life, so I eventually quit smoking cannabis too. The first night wasn’t anything unusual. I sleep pretty solid and don’t remember much about my dreams other than waking up feeling really hot.
I went downstairs to eat breakfast before work and my mom seemed to have a very different energy about her. She said “I noticed you quit smoking recently”. “Did it really smell that bad?” I asked her. “I never knew from smell” she replied. “You were sleep walking last night and this never happened while you were smoking.” I completely forgot about my nighttime sleep walking and waking myself up in the middle of the night yelling at the top of my lungs. I never really knew what exactly caused this, but I would go from whispering nonsense to full on talking and yelling about how I need to wake up at least 3 times a week. I slept decent so I didn’t think much of it and I went about my day.
When the time came to go to sleep my second night of quitting I felt an omniscient presence in my room. I’m not one to believe in ghost or demons so this was strange to me. Why do I feel like someone is watching me? I put two and two together and just figured it was because my mom reminded me of my sleepwalking and I was subconsciously nervous about falling asleep. As I’m drifting off to sleep I see my mom peak her head around the corner and whisper “sweet dreams.” She never comes up to my room especially during the night.
I woke up again feeling hot, it was day time and I could see the light coming in from my windows, only something felt off. There was a silence that was quieter then anything I had ever experienced. No birds chirping, no fans running, I couldn’t even hear my own thoughts, as if I was in deep meditation float tank and had cleared my brain completely. I saw my mom standing where I had seen her just before falling asleep but she was just standing there in silence. Normally I wouldn’t be scared by my own mother but for some reason, I felt really dark energy coming from her. Instantly my body tingled and I was overcome with this urge to get up and run, only I couldn’t, I was in sleep paralysis. This freaked me out, but I decided to let it play out. My mom did a weird shuffle into my room just staring at me. She kept coming closer as if trying to observe me. She didn’t say anything and as soon as I was comfortable with her being there she started whispering things I couldn’t understand. The whispering got louder and louder and I could vividly see her lips moving faster and faster. This scared the hell out of me so I shook my body awake.
Everything was fine, I was back in my room. I heard my mom call out “Are you okay sweat heart?”, I went to reply. Only I couldn’t, she does this weird shuffle into the room again and this time and starts whispering instantly. I tried to shake out of it and this time I woke up for real I think. I am back in my room and everything seems to be normal, I hear the birds chirping, I see the sun rays coming into my windows, I am good I tell myself. I get up and walk downstairs and I see my mom cooking breakfast. It smelled so just like what I was used to I could tell instantly she was making bacon and eggs… I walked in smiling and she turns around frowning. “Why did you do it!” she screamed in this loud noise that seemed to echo throughout the entire house… “I told you it was bad.” but this wasn’t her voice now. It was something dark, something that was not my mom. Then then I noticed I couldn’t smell anything, I couldn’t hear anything, the silence was back only quieter. I started shaking harder and harder and finally, I woke up back into my room in the same position as I had been. I instantly knew this was still a dream.
Somehow I was able to go lucid this time. I was aware I was in my bed I could look and see around my room. I glanced down and noticed I had really weird deformed hands, this was my sign I was dreaming. This also kept me lucid enough to become aware of my body and take control. I saw my mom in the same spot she has been peaking through my door. I had lucid dreamed before so I knew how to make this go away, I ran and closed the door. I knew I couldn’t make anything just appear but I taught myself this trick of whatever I wanted would appear behind a closed door. You had to believe what you wanted to happen was coming just around the corner and you have to trust that it will work before you actually see it. I hear her screaming on the other side of the door, beating and clawing away at the wood frame. As soon as I open it I see a peaceful ocean with the sun beating down on a warm beach. I walk into the ocean and can feel the sand and the water just as if I was really there. I thought everything was fine now.
Then I see my mom again, only this time she was just standing in the ocean staring straight ahead with no emotions. I walked up to her and asked: “what is going on?”. She said “you need to be careful with what you are doing. Look at all you are missing out on right now. Do you understand what’s going on right now?” I had no idea. I wasn’t scared but I knew this wasn’t my mom. I thought maybe it was just a part of me in a dream trying to rationalize what my mom had told me before. That would be the logical thing and it would explain everything.
She continued, “You don’t understand. Please stop doing this. You don’t want this” I freaked out and woke back up still in my bedroom.
I didn’t know what to think anymore. I was expecting my mom to come around the corner any minute. Nothing happened. I laid there for hours and still the day seemed to move forward. I wanted to get up but I knew no matter what happened it would end with something weird. After a while of just laying in bed, I became really thirsty and had to get up. I went to go get my water from downstairs and drank two cups in a row. I knew I was awake. I looked around the room I could read my clock. I could see my hands and count 10 fingers. Everything was normal. I had to be at work so I got ready and went on with my day. As I was leaving my mom came around the corner crying. She told me my dad had cancer.
I didn’t get a long with my dad much. I appreciate the beatings and lessons he taught me but as a kid it just sucked. He was a military man and treated growing up like bootcamp. I never saw him cry only yell and be angry. He traveled for work and wasn’t home often so the last time we really talked was months ago when I told him to fuck off and go to hell. Fast forward a few months after getting the news I am waking up in the middle of the night to him gasping for air and crying that he can’t do this anymore. A man i’ve seen go through so much pain and not shed a tear all his life crying begging for his life and being fed through a tube. That shit broke me so I started to get high again. I took 4 tabs of lsd and just laid on my floor while I listened to my mom trying to comfort my dying dad. The emotions starting coming in like a freight train so I said fuck this to myself and walked outside to look at the stars. They started putting on a display zooming across the sky almost like a battlefield. I mumbled to myself “the real starwars haha” and thought I was so clever trying to find a way to be goofy and distract my mind from what was going on inside my house. I could make out the smallest patch of light where the andromeda galaxy is and suddenly it grew to fill up the entire sky. One star in particular came into view with an earth like planet near by. I could see it getting closer and closer until I was on the ground level looking at a hospital similar to my own only the stars and moons were different.
My dad was being wheeled out of the hospital with balloons saying cancer free, fuck cancer or congratulations. He seemed so alive and real but I snapped back to my own planet and broke down into tears in the middle of my yard knowing it wasn’t really him. My mom came running outside and told me my dad stopped breathing. I ran inside in what I can only describe as the longest walk of my life with the walls turning into every moment I’ve ever spent with my father. I relived our entire life together while running from the garage to his bedroom and as soon as I entered his room I was no longer tripping. I felt the most present and sober I ever have in my life as I looked at my dads lifeless body. I heard him struggling just a few hours ago but couldn’t find the courage to face him so I went outside and ignored him and missed his last moments on earth. Don’t really remember what happened next other than washing 2 xanax bars down with the vodka my dad would keep in his closet.
Fast forward a few years I was healing from the traumatic experience of losing my dad while tripping on lsd. I married my crush at the new job I started. She was perfect and everything I ever wanted. We saved enough money to buy a house and start a family. I had two kids with her a year apart from each other who were 3 and 4 at the time. I had so much love for all of them and cherished every moment we had together. We were going through some of my old things when I found my dmt stash. It was date night so we had the kids staying with their aunt and my wife was feeling wild. She wanted to try dmt with me. I remembered the last time I did it I was told to never do it alone again so I thought might as well while I have company. We loaded up the pipe and she insisted I go first. I got to the second hit and started feeling too intense to even hold the pipe so my wife held it for me while all I had to do was inhale.
Im blasted off into space again. I see a bridge connecting earth to rest of the galaxy. I start cross the bridge walking into a sea of stars when suddenly a dark figure appears blocking my way. It whispers “I told you not to this alone again”. I shouted back “Im not alone” and all they said was “don’t see anybody with you”. I thought maybe me and my wife had to trip at the same and we could come here together. I said let me go back real quick and bring someone with me. I turned around and the bridge collapsed. The entity said “there is no-one waiting for you”. “I have been married for 5 years I KNOW somebody is waiting on me” I said. “You’re wrong” said the shadow figure. Everything went black and I was back in my childhood bed paralyzed. I smelled bacon and eggs. I walked downstairs and my mom came around the corner crying. She said “I just got off the phone with your dad and his doctor said they had been worried, turns it out its nothing cancerous at all. Isn’t this great?” “No no no this can’t be happening” I said out loud and starting pacing back and forth. My mom kept asking what is wrong but I ignored her and went running upstairs. I picked up my phone and looked at the date to see it was 5 years in the past the day I found out my dad had the cancer that killed him. I went scrolling through my phone to find my wife’s number and it wasn’t there. I searched her name on facebook and saw she was single working at the job I would eventually apply for. “What the fuck” I shouted and my mom came running up the stairs to my room. I quickly shut and locked the door and just started bawling. My mom was beating on the door begging to let her in asking what was wrong but I couldn’t even move.
The past 5 years I fell in love and completely changed my life. I had two beautiful and children, a dream home, the perfect wife. All of it gone. The kids don’t even exist anymore and my wife doesn’t know who I am. I didn’t even take the time to process that my dad was alive and cancer free. It didn’t matter. I made my piece with what happened to him and had a new real love in my heart that I could still feel. Only I’m supposed to accept that I have been tripping this entire time? That’s not even possible because I wasn’t tripping when I woke up to find out about my dad. I came up with a plan to go about things exactly like I did before and meet my wife again. I called her workplace to set up an interview and was told they aren’t currently hiring for any positions. I thought it was a mistake and went in the location to talk to somebody in person. Just as I made it to the front desk I see what used to be the love of my life walking in not even bating an eye at me standing feet away from her. She sits at a desk behind the main counter. I ask her if she knew about any open positions and she said they had just filled the last one but if I could leave my name and number on an application she would leave it for review in the future. My wife just asked me my name and number to give to her company for a potential job interview. I said “you really don’t remember me huh” and walked out. I went home and decided I was over it. I didn’t even hesitate. I went to my room grabbed my 9mm put it to my head and pull the trigger.
I wake back up in my new bed with the same bacon and eggs smell. I walk downstairs to see my mom crying when she says “you’re dead, why would you leave me, how could you?”. I see my kids crying being held by their mother. My wife is explaining to a policeman how she doesn’t know what happened and I just started to freak out when I ran into my room and shot myself out of nowhere. I asked my mom how she could see me if I was dead when I realized she never did see me. She was talking to the picture on the wall behind me. Did I just kill myself thinking I was stuck in the past when I was really with my wife the entire time? My stomach dropped and the anxiety started tearing me apart. Not so much because I was dead but because of the tears I was seeing on the faces of the people I love.
The room started spinning and everything was shifting. I am back on the beach talking to the entity. It said “I told you not to do it alone. Don’t you see how terrible life is without the people we love? You finally understand”
That’s when I woke up sitting in the same room I left 5 years ago with my dmt pipe on my lap. In my mind 5 years had really passed but my phone said only 8 minutes. My reality was shattered. I didn’t get my wife back or have any kids but my dad is still alive and I learned to repair our relationship. I started to go out more spending time with my family and connecting with people again. The trip tore my heart into pieces but I am thankful for the lessons it taught me. I now have a deeper understanding for not just how special people are to me but how special I am to them. I ended up finding a new girlfriend who really makes me happy. She won’t sleep with me all night because apparently I still talk in my sleep. She says I keep telling her to wake up but I know it’s not her I’m talking to.