I am not the easiest person to be around. I don’t even like myself. For years, I would stumble, my head creating this distortion of reality that would make me think the world was tilting on me when it was me falling over. I would hear sounds that weren’t there, a strained pulling noise as if a metal cable was ready to snap.
I had my brain scanned, my ears and eyes checked, and a list of invasive experimental procedures to find the answer…I didn’t even know we did experimental medical procedures still. I guess the human body is still very foreign to us.
For me, reality just wasn’t a steady thing. It was changing constantly, so sometimes when I’m doing one thing, I’m actually doing something else. I tell you all this now because I need you to understand why I live alone and don’t have anyone I can turn to. Nobody wants to be near a guy who thinks he is cutting a cake when he’s cutting your arm. An actual incident during my fifteenth birthday party.
In the end, the doctors were the only ones looking out for me.
After getting in contact with a lawyer, I found out that experimental medical procedures are permitted with the subject’s permission, but that subject can also do them in exchange for money. Get into the right program with a unique enough problem and a lawyer by your side, then you’re earning decent money as a human lab rat.
There is a lot of money in the healthcare sector and my problem turned out to be unique. Bizarre readings on fancy computers, blood work results, and the occasional stint in a government observation room had the professionals confused and intrigued - especially in the beginning.
The story begins a little over two years ago when my hell finally came to an end…and a new one began.
No brain prodding, no pills, no weird spinal surgery - like what did my spine have to do with it? All of that was left behind for a single dose of a clear, experimental liquid injected into my left butt cheek while I was asleep in one of their facilities. Nothing unusual. I woke up to see the doctor leaving, my hand instinctively rubbing my ass.
“Thanks, doc,” I said drowsily. “Was it good for you?”
He didn’t look back, but I think he heard the smallest of laughs. I closed my eyes and placed my head back on the cool pillow, facing the wall. That’s one thing I have to give props to hospitals and other medical facilities - they always had comfortably cool beds. I was out for moments and woke up the next day to electrodes being attached to me.
I yawned.
“What’s for breakfast?” I asked, letting them do their thing. I knew one of the doctors there. “Phil, what time is it?”
Doctor Philip Kelly, is always there to treat me like a human. He was standing at the end of my bed with a clipboard, as always. With the lights turned on so suddenly, I was a little blinded by it all, so I just closed my eyes and let them work.
“Five in the morning,” he said. “Thought we’d let you sleep in.”
I laughed along with the other doctors and nurses. I was patched up in seconds. Have you ever seen mechanics change tires on a racing car? These people were so used to working with me that they could flip me onto my back, and remove my shirt and pants to poke and prod before I even really woke up. At least they made me coffee afterward.
“Standard testing to start,” Phil said. “We’ve got a whole new batch of goodies from the lab to try, nothing too strong. We just want to see how it affects certain chemical levels in your bodies, which means-”
“More bloodwork,” I nodded. I loathed the sight of blood. I couldn’t watch violent movies without gagging. “Okey-dokie.”
“Let’s just see what state you’re in first,” Phil said.
Phil started asking me standard questions, which was nothing out of the ordinary. He asked me what my name was, what was the date, where I lived, and how I was feeling.
“A little tired,” I told him. “Lights are bright. You guys think about getting a dimmer so you don’t hit me with a full blast the moment I wake up?”
“We’ll consider it,” Phil said. “But I need you to open your eyes now and tell me how many fingers I am holding.”
I loathed that. I never got that right, which usually meant going straight into the first test. I could hear a nurse flick open the clips on a case containing the first injection. Still, I opened my eyes and looked down at Phil. My eyes slowly got used to the light and focused on Phil. He held his clipboard against his chest with his right arm, while his left hand was up, giving me the peace sign.
“Two fingers,” I said, immediately looking at the nurse who held up a plastic syringe while another prepared the blood draw kit. I expected them to approach me and do their thing, but they looked at Doctor Phil.
“Correct,” Phil said. “How many now?”
I looked back at him in shock. He was holding up five fingers.
“Five,” I said.
“Right. Now?”
“One…four…four…three.”
Doctor Philip put down the clipboard and started testing me with both hands, moving his hands around sometimes. He was smiling, a strange giddiness taking over. Eventually, he picked up the clipboard again and started leafing through the pages.
“When was his last injection? What was it?” he asked.
“A few hours ago,” I told him. “My ass still aches a little.”
“What are you talking about?”
I told him about the doctor who gave me an injection while I slept. How he even laughed when I made a joke. Phil just looked at me, disappointed, perhaps thinking I was talking crazy, that I had seen something, but I told him to believe me. When a nurse said my last experimental drug on record was several weeks before, that it couldn’t have taken effect so long after it had been given, Phil decided to investigate.
The room was monitored, so he went to check the camera feed. To my surprise, nobody visited me that night. Not only was there nothing on the camera feed, according to him but security was stationed in the hall outside my room all night. Three guys who would have seen if someone had gone into my room.
More tests followed, and every single one I passed with flying colors. I was mentally sound. I was ready to believe that the doctor who visited me was my final hallucination. A nurse joked that it was God coming to do what the doctors could not, after all these years.
I remained there for one more week. I didn’t have to, but they asked, and I was nervous enough to say we should make sure before I go home too. The days passed and the results were conclusive - I was normal. I could go home. I could call my family, I could reconnect with old friends. I could even try getting my first job, even though I had more than enough money to keep me comfortable for the rest of my life.
I was a free man and it scared the hell out of me.
*
The man helping me in my home wasn’t too thrilled to see me so well. I kept him for a week just in case, but basically, I fired him. It was no longer necessary for me to pay so much money to somebody who just wasn’t needed. That was a fat paycheck lost and it was back to his agency to find a new client.
When I was finally alone, it all started to settle in for me. The pieces of my life just fell into place. People who stopped talking to me because it was too painful…well, they rocked up to my doorstep in tears. Friends and family. Many were still on the fence, but those who called on me welcomed me into their lives as much as I welcomed them back into mine.
I know it’s bad to cut someone out of your life because of some difficult sickness, but I never had the energy to hold a grudge against somebody. I’d hate those who stayed to hurt me, not those who left to spare me.
I live in an eco-brutalist house. For those who don’t know, it’s blocky cement architecture, but a good kind of cement, with plenty of greenery. Plants decorated shelves indoors and outdoors. Cool, grays with vibrant greens were a comfort to my eyes, but the private pool in the backyard was a welcoming blue.
I wanted to celebrate, so backyard BBQ with all those I could invite.
And it should have been perfect.
*
I left my home to get stuff for the party. Tons of meat, and drinks, and…everything. I was also eager to check out the store because I hadn’t been there in a long time. I hadn’t been anywhere except my home, hospitals, and medical facilities.
I parked my car, entered the store, and…screamed.
People turned to look at me. Many were normal, but some had these floating…corpses above them. Faceless heads, gangly fingers held above them. These featureless faces also looked at me. Many quickly ignored me and turned back to their shopping, some giving me sideways glances. Life continued, but I was at my lowest point.
I thought the hallucinations had grown more severe. Before, it was like the world was shifting, but now…it had shifted. Someone walked past me, brushing shoulders with me. I saw above him a pale corpse-like creature. Its lower half was torn off, tattered pale skin and inky insides, from the gore to the bones, were plain to see.
The creature plucked his fingers, skillfully, gesturing his two arms. Suddenly, two more arms sprouted from his back, controlling the man to squat down by a magazine rack and grab one of them. The second set of hands returned as the man stood up and continued into the store.
I was staring for too long. I saw security eyeing me. I tried to calm down, to snap out of it, but I was stuck. These monsters were terrifying. I couldn’t handle it. A moment later I was in my car and about to drive out of the parking lot, but then I noticed the people walking on the sidewalk were no different. Few were normal, many were guided along like puppets by these fleshy creatures. Creatures whose skin seemed to sag and melt over their bony forms.
When I got home, I watched the garage door close in the rearview mirror for fear of something rushing inside. Once it was closed, I got out of the car and walked straight through the house and to my bedroom. I was looking for any leftover medication from my last trials, but not a single pill to pop.
My head was pounding, but because of stress more than anything else. When I began to calm down, the pain left. Walking to the window, I looked outside. There was barely anyone in sight, but I still saw someone walking just out of sight with a corpse floating above them - they were skipping as if they had received good news.
I made my way downstairs, trying to figure out how I didn’t notice it before. I only started seeing them after I left the facility. I didn’t see one hanging over the doctors or the nurse who drove me home. Were they an exception like some of the others, or had the drug only taken effect recently?
Was I reverting, or was it going to get worse?
When I reached the bottom floor, I headed towards the kitchen to get something to eat. I had to cross this open plan area which had the lounge, kitchen, and dining room. The coolness of the grays was comforting even then, but something caught my eye. The glass wall to my left showed the backyard. A secluded place with my pool, and tall concrete walls all around. The sun only hit it around midday - yet something bright was there.
Hovering above the water was a corpse. Unlike the others, this one was clothed, more like draped, in flowing white cloth. spilled off its head and frame, looking like the remains of a violent accident waking up under a mortician’s sheet. From head to the end of its flowing white cloth, it had to have been close to ten feet tall.
It seemed to flow in some ethereal breeze, yet it moved like it was underwater.
When confronted with such horror, I could only think about a weakness within me. I realized then why they called cowards spineless. My spine felt like it was thin and fragile as spaghetti, ready to snap under my quivering weight.
I approached the sliding door when I could, slowly, unsure if moving too fast would make the thing float towards me. As I neared the sliding door, its head turned to look at me. I couldn’t take my eyes off the spot where its eyes might have been. I didn’t pretend not to see it, because I wanted to keep it in sight at all times.
When I reached the door and started to slide it closed, it raised a draped hand.
“Wait,” it said. “Do not be afraid. You can see, can’t you?”
Me pausing as I closed the door was answer enough. The creature raised its head to look up at the sky and then raised its arms as if basking in the glow of the sun.
“Praise,” it said. “Praise. Praise.”
I didn’t understand if it was asking me to praise it, or if it was praising me, or if it was praising God. Its voice was this guttural growl, pained and wheezing. It’s exactly what I imagined a corpse would sound like. I just closed the door the rest of the way. The creature heard the click and lowered itself down.
Its white cloth touched the surface of the water, it got wet, but the water did not react. It was then I realized how pointless it was to close the sliding door. It passed through the wall, slowly, as if the passage through the glass was a greater journey than it looked. I had backed into the kitchen, aches, and pains around my lower half as I bumped into corners and furniture.
All that was going through my head was my imminent death. It stopped a few feet away. I could see the cloth move as it breathed. I could see the way it clung to its bony frame.
“Give me your form,” it said. “Let me guide you. I shall show you peace, I shall show you a fortune, I shall make you happy.”
I thought it meant to take over my body. Possess me. It was an evil spirit, of some kind. I had to escape, but where could I run to? At the very least, it didn’t seem to want to force control over me - it requested it.
“Don’t…go away. Leave me alone,” I murmured, trying to find the right words and the courage to say them.
“Why deny yourself an easy life?” it asked, sweeping its hand. “You have known pain. I will help you forget it.”
“I’m not a puppet,” I said, sliding along the cabinets towards the living room. From there I could get to the front door. Its head followed my movement. “Stay back.”
“You have seen the others…then you can see for yourself that I am not like them,” it said. “I will not bind you with strings…but just one string. A line between your heart and mine. Let me share your joy, let me hold your pain…your pain. Give me your form and I will free you from it.”
I turned around and ran towards the door. I couldn’t tell if it was following, but I thought I had outrun it. I pushed the door open and turned around for just a second to close it and its face was right in front of mine, a few inches away. It looked down on me, growing closer. I stepped back and it kept the distance between us.
“You already belong to us,” it said. “You would be better in my hands, than theirs.”
I fell back onto the ground. I couldn’t even crawl away, it floated right above me.
“Submit. You cannot escape.”
*
I woke up inside my home. The pool party was that day, so I went to the store, finally entered, got what I needed, and returned home. I saw people being paraded around like puppets. It didn’t bother me then, it doesn’t bother me now.
I returned home, prepared, and welcomed my friends and family. Seeing them again, after all this time, felt amazing. I noticed almost all of them were strung up, all except one - my father.
He lounged by the pool, perfectly natural. Beer in one hand and a bowl of bar snacks resting on his round belly. I noticed a glimmer of something thin against the cold cement wall behind him, Like a silken web that only appeared briefly.
I followed the direction towards the sky and saw them. Pale ghosts against the sky, many barely visible. Their white veils flowed gently, silently. I saw mine as well. It didn’t repulse me, not as it should have. I no longer felt this painful fear whenever I saw something gorey or disturbing. I recognized it as bad and that was it. No gagging, nausea, or cold sweats.
Question my sanity, if you want. I had a real problem for years, so I don’t blame you. I don’t know what brought me to this state. All I know is, we can lose ourselves if we give in to something. Most of us do so many times without realizing it. It’s either one thing or another.
There is only one phrase that comes to mind that simplifies this all. It’s a phrase that can give you comfort, or send a shiver down your spine. For me, all it can do is give me comfort.
Our lives are not our own.