I remember the summer before fifth grade. I was generally excited about the upcoming school year. After all, fifth grade was supposed to be the best year of elementary school. The year everything was bigger and better. However, once I entered fifth grade, I realized the year was going to be a lot different than expected. To summarize, it was miserable because I did not belong. A person cannot really comprehend what it feels like to be outcasted by their peers until he or she has experienced it. In fifth grade I didn’t appear, act, or dress the “right” way. My more “sensible” fifth grade peers judged me as weird and that meant I was punished.
I had once made friends at camp, but summer camp was more of a lawless land socially, while elementary school had strict laws. There is nothing on Earth like the dread an ostracized child is liable to feel when the teacher calls out “everyone find a partner.” No one gives a glance at you as they run off to calling friends. Occasionally someone would look at me like a bit of an “enigma” as opposed to “reject” (just someone interesting to talk to as long as no one saw you). My refuge was any place that wasn’t school, mainly home, where I was reading and drawing and TV-watching and of course, Internet-ing, all the time. Especially when I got home at 4, early, and the Internet hadn’t quite woken up yet… It was lonely.
Today I can talk about everything that happened later easily, even to Reddit, ha. I just feel like it’s time to get my message out there that anyone can do it. My message is: Anyone can make it to an enjoyable, pleasant life, even if your life sucks right now. I promise. There are even some benefits to it all; in return for the memories, I am more insightful, I know more about putting on a pleasant face (having learned from negative experience). And apparently I got so good at people pleasing that I could literally convince someone to come into a random person’s basement hahhaa. Ok, still a little proud of that.
Anyway, also, I am now stronger than I would have been. I learned a lot of skills that made their deaths more pleasant. I wanted to show them something important. OK - is that so bad, Reddit?
I realized when it happened, and realize now, that all of them were adults, now. I bet a lot of them probably felt bad. Or would have if I had told them what was happening and why. I don’t think most of them remembered who I was (I was not expecting to be that easy for them to recognize me, but then again, they had literally all just lost a lot of limbs lol.) It was just something that had to happen, is what I was thinking.
And okay, I’m not a bad person, Reddit - I can see you judging me - maybe it was funny in a *way* hearing them pick the 5 people to die out of their 6. But the *whole point* is no one escapes judgment even if it’s unfair. Honestly I can’t exactly remember how I phrased it in my monologue. Voice modulated, thank you.
But this wasn’t about revenge. This was not a revenge thing. So I hope you, Reddit, won’t judge me too much. Shockingly, it was actually boring watching them debate about picking someone. It was my ex-wife who got me thinking about all this when she left, saying life isn’t fair; that is what I said to them at the beginning, to make them understand. It really got me thinking when she said that. So back in the story, after a while, they picked the mother of three kids or maybe two (I didn’t have to time to find pictures of them). So obviously I walked over and slit her throat and honestly it was, uh, hilarious how surprised people were, I can’t believe they didn’t expect anything else lol. Okay you’re locked in this room by someone and just got your arms and legs cut off and you…think that person ISN’T going to torture you a little more by tricking you?
Anyway, I’m getting distracted. Where was I? I did do the whole monologue I’d written out (with improvements) and I was explaining how they had been right the whole time. Life *was* unfair.
I wanted to show them what that was like in a world with no fair judgment. Then, I said they could go out into the world knowing this and try to improve themselves. The looks on their faces when I said it was priceless–I tricked them AGAIN (because I would go to jail willingly??).
Ultimately I didn’t have to work to make their deaths pleasant at all. I just asked them to figure it out themselves and they took care of it themselves lol. It was the nurse, she tried to think of the best way to go about it all. It turned out, she couldn’t think of anything that wouldn’t be still somewhat painful for all of them.
I felt bad, so I actually went and searched around and I realized I had some extra tranquilizer lying around in the basement from last time. It was… well, it did suck watching them all cry. Who enjoys watching people cry? As the life of the last one (the failure-at-solutioning nurse) left her eyes - I don’t know why I spoke aloud - I guess I just wanted her to realize I was a person. I told her this all sucked and I was sorry. So, what I came on here to say in the first place is this. If I could talk to someone who is feeling the wrath of his or her elementary school peers right now, I would give them a huge hug and assure them that everything will be okay. I would tell them that they should not change who they are no matter what AND they just need to be strong, they need to be patient, and they need to remember to laugh. I feel a little bit bad even now. So I just wanted to honor their memories by spreading my weird TED talk. We can do this Thanks for listening lol.