My brother, Jack Oates, went missing two weeks ago. I am publishing some of his diary entries in the hopes that somebody out there reading can help identify this Clara woman and provide any clues to the possible location of my brother.
December 19^(th) 2022
Merry Christmas to me. Doctor Laska said I should keep a diary to document my disease. One, because supposedly it would help me with diagnosis. As if a diary would be more helpful than the five specialists who have no idea what’s wrong with me. Also two, because it will, and I’m paraphrasing here, “help me relieve my anxiety and offer me perspective on my suffering”.
What the hell is that supposed to mean?
Because you can’t do your job properly, it means I have to play teenage girl and keep a diary?
I guess I’m just frustrated. I’m the one living with it for the past two months, when I started to notice my neck becoming thicker and my skin was clammier. I saw the first specialist, an ear nose and throat doctor but then he shoved me off to an oncologist almost straight away. The oncologist couldn’t figure it out, says it wasn’t cancer, the only good news I’ve got so then I went to an immunologist. Nope, wasn’t an infection, sent off to a dermatologist for some reason. That consultation went for five minutes before he referred me to Doctor Laska.
Needless to say, I don’t have faith in doctors anymore.
I tried talking to my brother about it but he just laughed me off. I pointed out my neck getting thicker to him and he tried to do that stupid nerve grip from Star Trek. Stupid nerd. Then he laughed and said I’d been working out too much. He doesn’t know what he’s talking about and doesn’t care about me.
Even my girlfriend Leanne has started to look at me funny. Says I’m “weird to touch”, like I’m not smooth or something. I love her, but I’m really starting to think my disease is off-putting to her. I’ve even tried to wear a scarf inside so she doesn’t notice my neck. I really hope she can support me and help me with treating my condition.
Today’s symptoms: Swollen neck. Not sweating properly. Rough skin.
January 21^(st) 2023
Leanne broke up with me today. Two years meant absolutely nothing to her. She said she wasn’t attracted to me. Doctor Laska said I needed support from those around me. I can’t even get that from my partner of two years. The signs had been there for three months, she become less intimate and she wasn’t even looking at me anymore. Said I was unattractive. How the hell am I supposed to control that? Like I chose for this disease to happen to me?
Doctor Laska is useless. Still doesn’t know what’s wrong with me. Says I still have to see her for my prednisone. Says it will slow down my condition, even though she doesn’t know what it is. How can you not know what is happening to me?
Two years. Two years with a person, a human being. We went shopping, snuggled on the couch watching movies, cooked for each other, did dishes for each other, went out together, hung out friends together, and she just walks out like it meant nothing.
I told my brother and he just laughed. Said it’s a good thing that she finally left. I know those two never got along but I thought he would at least support me. When he came over, he recoiled when he saw me. It’s now been a week since my eyelids have swelled up and I’ve become thicker over my joints. He said, in his words, “It’s like you have a peanut allergy everywhere.” I even told him that Doctor Laska is getting specialist opinions from the California and he just nodded. He’s just been so unsupportive. When you think you need your brother and he just rips on me for how I look.
I don’t have anyone to help me. I don’t know what to feel. Lonely, obviously.
Do I just give up? Stop taking the prednisone and let whatever it is I have just take over?
I don’t know. Not that anybody would care anyway.
Today’s symptoms: Swollen neck. Swollen joints. Rashes on torso. Still not sweating properly. Doctor Laska said I may feel pain over my joints but I still haven’t felt anything like that.
February 7^(th) 2023
I got fired today. That’s what it felt like. On “medical vacation” until my condition improves. My sick leave won’t last forever. Then I won’t have any money. It’s even worse now that Leanne can’t pay part of the mortgage. I’m going to have to sell the house soon to pay the mortgage and medical bills. I can’t believe people are doing this to me.
My boss Larry said he was “concerned” about me. Concerned my ass. Will you be concerned Lawrence when I can’t pay bills? When I can’t pay groceries? Couldn’t even look at me when he was telling me this in his office. So I yelled at him. Somebody called security to escort me out the office. Don’t even know who. Probably Terry, that brown-nosing little shit. Even caught him in the lunchroom, gossiping about me behind my back, called me “The Creature from the Black Lagoon”. I tore into that little prick right then and there in front of the new girl he keeps flirting with. Serves that turd right.
Leanne wouldn’t look at me when she picked up her stuff. Tried to talk to her but she said she was sorting through her own shit. What about my shit? I yelled at her, told her I needed her when I’m going through a medical emergency but she shut me out in typical Leanne fashion. I swear, she has even turned our friends against me. No one wants to go out for drinks anymore.
Brother’s the worst though. Straight up laughed when he looked at me even after I told him to come over because I was having a hard time. Told him to get out. He said he was only kidding, trying to do a Patch Adams thing. It came to the point where I shoved him out the door.
No one’s got my back. My doctor’s useless. My friends abandoned me and my ex-partner won’t talk to me. Work effectively fired me. My own brother thinks I’m a carnival act.
You know what’s sad? The only person that has shown me genuine affection was some stranger I’d met at the supermarket. I was in the dairy section when this raven-haired chick smiled at me as we reached for a carton of milk at the same time. “Sorry,” she said, “I’ll ‘mooove’ out of the way” and she mooed like a cow when she said it.
It was the first laugh I’ve had in weeks…even if it was a terrible joke. But she asked about my condition and it actually looked like somebody cared. She didn’t recoil, or laugh at me, or looked away as if I don’t exist.
It was nice to be treated like a human being.
Today’s symptoms: Swollen eyes. Swollen joints. Fingers are becoming swollen and it’s getting harder to move my fingers. The rash on my torso has moved to the edge of my limbs. Doctor Laska said to keep taking the Prednisone and she’s working hard with a Doctor Ward from California who may have seen similar conditions. But I’m not holding my breath.
March 2^(nd) 2023
Only Clara understands me. It’s been two weeks since we met again at the supermarket. She said it was serendipity.
She couldn’t be more right.
I’ve given up on my friends, my ex-partner. My brother has tried to talk to me over Messenger but I keep ignoring him. He can say he’s sorry how many times he likes, he doesn’t treat me as good as Clara does.
She doesn’t laugh at me. She’s not afraid to touch me. She’s says I’m special. When I woke up to those skin folds on the side of my neck, she was the first person I called. Clara didn’t look away when I opened the door, she just wrapped her arms around me, gently ran her fingers down my neck.
She cares. Clara cares about me.
Doctor Laska and Doctor Ward tried to convince me I had a rare “epigenetic” condition that had a “lot of causes” as Doctor Ward put it. He said he has developed an experimental treatment that may work. I asked him, “What do you mean may?” He said he’s never tried it on any patient before, the few patients who have had my condition disappeared before he could try any treatment he said. I told him I’d think about it even though Ward kept pushing it and pushing it.
It’s just been six months now. I’m just so tired with all the bullshit and all the so-called experts who don’t know what they’re doing. I just don’t know anymore.
Except Clara. I know she’ll stay with me. She cooked dinner for me today, a tuna mornay casserole. I had never had anything so good. She said that I was her blessed gift. That I don’t have to be lonely with her around. She won’t leave me.
To be honest, I know it’s sudden, but I don’t think Clara would do something like that. Every one else has abandoned me. But Clara won’t.
Today’s symptoms: Swollen. Skin folds on neck. Broken heart finally fixed by Clara.
March 29^(th) 2023
This will be my last entry. I don’t want to take my computer to where Clara and I are going. She convinced me that my condition can’t be healed and that the doctors don’t know what they’re talking about.
I rejected Doctor Ward’s proposal. The asshole even tried to enlist my brother to help convince me. As if that would work. That bastard doesn’t care about me. My brother even came over unannounced and said I was stupid and crazy to ignore Doctor Ward’s advice. Said I was getting worse by not doing anything.
I told him he didn’t care. He’s only doing this because he’ll look bad in front of other people. I told him he doesn’t genuinely care about me like Clara does. He got angry when I mentioned her name. Tried to attack me, said I was going stupid.
I pushed him and told him I’d call the police if he came back.
But it doesn’t matter. I’ll never see him again.
Tonight, I’m going to meet Clara’s parents.
I’m going to live with the only woman in the world who will accept me.
I’ll finally be happy.
PLEASE, if you have seen my brother or know a “raven-haired” woman named Clara in the Buffalo area please contact me. My brother is not well. He has become mentally unstable and may attack. If you do see him, please contact me. His condition has gotten a lot worse and you can easily identify him. He’s 6”1, dark brown hair. His condition has caused his eyes to swell up, he has an enlarged neck and swollen limbs. I think his fingers have swelled to the point where they are fixed together and his skin has started to darken into a weird greyish hue. DO NOT approach please contact me.
Jack, if you’re reading this bro, just come home. I’ve always loved you, you’re my only brother. I’ve never been funny and I’m sorry. But there are real doctors, who really want to help you, and I really want to help you get back to normal. Just come home.