I groan and file the last paperwork I need for the night, leaning back in my old wooden office chair, it creaking with my weight shifting. I looked around my small office and sighed to myself. When would these thoughts ever stop? These thoughts of suicide are plaguing my mind; they are loud and screaming; they have been so endless and relentless that I haven’t slept in four days; my thoughts have now become a reality, at first catching glimpses of myself, and now full-on visions of my death, showing me that I have to do it! Don’t I? I’ve concluded that these are God’s premonitions. He must have a plan for me beyond this mortal coil that binds me. It started a little over a month ago. Since then, I have begun this nasty cough, burning my lungs. It’s been getting worse, coughing up blood, and my hands have been shaking badly.
“Today’s the day,” I whispered to myself. Standing and walking over to my jacket, my gaze drifted to the ever-ticking clock on the wall. Seeing it late, I knew it was time for my morning walk. I exited my quiet house; the door shutting sounded like a gunshot to my sensitive ears as I hissed in pain. I walked down the front porch, out into our gravel driveway, and the forest surrounding our house, our quiet, little, humble abode.
After walking for quite some time, the sun started to rise over the cold and forgotten forest; there were no sounds of life there, no chirping of the birds, no shaking of the bushes; the only sound I could hear was that of rushing water. I was close.
I walked closer to the sound of rushing water. Everything got more serene and calm for me as the sound of running water got louder and louder. I was feeling close to my goal. I was almost to the peace I wanted to achieve. Gazing out at the giant waterfall in the distance, I looked out upon the small shimmering lake. It was so peaceful here.
I stripped down to nothing, slowly stepping into the cold, inky blackness of the lake. I walked deeper and deeper as the water slowly pushed around my body; it slowly filled me as it passed my ankles, my knees, my waist, and eventually my chest. The cold water calmed my buzzing nerves and released me from those burning, yearning thoughts for quietness. This. This was perfection at its finest.
And then I slowly submerged my head under the water, letting it close all my firey, burning thoughts. I have done this repeatedly, morning after morning; now it’s time for me to push further to give myself what I deserve finally-a sweet, calming death. I breathed in. At first, it was choking me, I struggled a bit in the water as it filled my lung almost completely and instantly. Then, there was a stinging coldness deep in my chest as I relaxed and swallowed more water, my thoughts and movements slowly fading into nothingness…Perfection…