There’s a man. He’s standing in my doorway. He’s staring at me but he has no face. The street light by the garden encases him in a silhouette. He’s climbing up my wall like a spider. I can’t look away. While the rest of his limbs move, his head is locked on me. I blink. He’s gone.
They want to kill you.
Kill you.
KILL YOU.
He’s in front of me. The door is still open. I can make a run for it but where would I go? Another man is walking around outside. He has no definition but he is very tall. The man in my house is rigidly walking toward me. He grins with yellow jagged teeth but no eyes. I blink. He’s gone.
They want to kill you.
Kill you.
KILL YOU.
I run. I make it to the door but the man outside starts charging. I turn; there’s stairs. At the top is my room. The man outside is running full force. The man in my house is crawling on the ceiling towards me. To my room I run. Hidden under my bed, I can’t hear them any more. I finally fall asleep.
This isn’t how it started though. I was five when I saw them the first time. Out of the corner of my eye I’d see them in doorway to my bedroom but only for a glimpse. I called them Shadows. They never bothered me. I grew up with them. I always knew they were around because I’d hear this high pitch frequently - like an old CRT TV was on.
I remember when I was 11, out of the corner of my eye, not a shadow… But a hand with very long fingernails. They gently scraped against the wall while the hand disappeared into the darkness.
Psst
I hear from the hall. I ran under my bed and fell asleep.
Psst
It’s poisoned
I heard while I stared at the plate of pasta my mother put in front of me. I was 14 and my mother wasn’t perfect but damn near it. She wouldn’t poison me.
It’s fucking poison.
They want to kill you.
KILL YOU.
I didn’t eat that night.
It was cold and snowing. Specifically, it was a Monday night. I’d had a snow day. Most of the day was spent playing with friends in the snow. The neighborhood bully called me name.
Psst
Kill him or he’ll kill you first.
I ran down the hill, full speed and tackled him. I picked him up and threw him on the ground. His dad came over, yelled at me, and told me to go home. Behind the nearby brush, I saw shadows duck behind a tree. I’d never seen them outside of the house.
Psst
You’re ugly. You’re fat. No one likes you. You have no friends. Die.
This was the reprise I heard throughout highschool. I wore hoodies to cover my body and baggy pants so now one could see my size. My head hung low. I spent nights in my room with the shadows.
Psst
Run.
And so I did. At 17 I ran away from home. It was the middle of July. I took a bus into the city. I spent my nights on a park bench for a week before I conceded and made my way to a shelter. Inside the shelter I met a man named David. He told me about how he was homeless because his wife left him after he had a stroke at 45. She wasn’t willing to take care of him and he had no family. He began drinking heavily and ended up in the streets. He asked why I was there. I told him I didn’t know, but I couldn’t be where I was… Something told me I had to leave and it just wouldn’t shut the fuck up.
When we left the shelter David told me about his friends who could get us some cash if we helped them move some weed. So we did and made a few bucks. David was my only friend.
Psst
David hates you.
David wants to kill you.
Funny thing about drug dealers, they don’t just let you leave. David’s friends gave me an Oxi. They told me it was fun. It was. It was really fun. I had never felt so happy. And my brain for the first time since I was 5, was quiet. I chased that peace for months. I started selling for them for a bump here and there.
I was still a kid. I was stupid. And more drugs meant more peace. It didn’t take long before…
Standing over me was a dark figure silhouetted by neon white light. It felt like an alien abduction.
Beep. Beep. Beep.
I was out of it but I knew where I was… I was in a hospital. My parents were sitting next to me. My mom was crying. They hadn’t seen me in months. They thought I was kidnapped and murdered or something but the police said I ran away… And they were right. There never was a search.
The shade above me said, “squeeze my hand,” and I did.
Psst.
Run.
Run now.
Fucking run.
They’re going to kill you.
Kill them first.
It was 1am. The nurse came into check on me. She said my pulse was high. I told her I was anxious. She spoke with me a bit and left. I knew she wasn’t going to check on me for a while and I could see the elevator from my room. I needed something to make it stop.
I didn’t even make it to the elevator before I was tackled by security. They put me back in my room and bound me to the bed.
Fucking idiot. You can run now.
A woman came into my room this morning. She said she wanted to talk to me about addiction and self-care.
She just wants to get in your head.
We’re all you need.
“Who are you talking to?”
The nurse asked as she entered the room. I told her no one as I saw the shadow slide behind her and under the door.
My window has a nice view of the garden outside. I like the garden. It’s peaceful. Sometimes I get to go out there but only if John says it’s okay. He’s really nice and very tall. And my doctor is nice except for his awful yellow teeth.
Psst