Good evening, ancestrals. Queen of Hearts here. This is my birthright. This is the GLADIATOR.
I saw the Queen of Hearts don a golden helmet and begin slowly trudging through a muddy sidewalk in a matching set of armor. A breastplate, greaves, even a massive shield on her back. She doubled over in obvious strain as she painstakingly walked out of the frame of the video.
My curiosity piqued, I clicked on another one.
Ancestrals, JOIN ME. for a FEAST, fit for a QUEEN.
Her voice boomed, as she opened her gigantic, veiny arms wide to show the oak table laid out in front of her. Instead of a chair, she sat on a stool made of polished tree stump.
The wide assortment of food included: small cubes of raw, slimy liver, slices of heart, a few hunks of femur bone marrow, and the centerpiece: a roasted cow head. It stared at me with empty eye sockets.
I nearly threw up my meal of box mac and cheese as I saw her douse a cube of liver with maple syrup and slurp it out of the container. She moaned with pleasure and smacked her lips with every bite. Too grossed out to continue the video, but still intrigued as to what the hell this woman was on about, I scrolled through her related videos.
The next one I clicked on showed the Queen along with her daughter, Ayala, sitting in a circle in the wilderness. Serene music played in the background as they lit a small smoky fire and closed their eyes in some type of prayer.
Today, I am filled with honor and gratitude. Ayala and I have been blessed with the opportunity to hunt.
She continued in a soft voice:
We ask our ancestors, please welcome us to your lands. Allow us to respectfully hunt and secure our kill so that we may nourish our bodies and souls with its flesh.
The camera then cut to a scene of the Queen and her daughter lightly trotting through the fall leaves. The Queen was adorned with just a pair of tight biker shorts and a camo sports bra. She was one of the most muscular people I had seen in my life- man or woman. Each leg looked to be the size of a small tree trunk. Her shoulders looked like two pumpkins. Her bronze frame rippled with striations as she took each step.
Ayala however, looked like an average teenager-well besides the quiver of razor sharp arrows and glossy wooden bow draped over her shoulders. The queen was armed as well. She carried a deadly looking spear. Its serrated edge glistened in the pale sunlight.
After a few short scenes of the two of them walking through the woods to the tune of some tribal drums, The Queen finally found her mark. She quietly hurled the spear with pinpoint accuracy. It flew out of the frame of the camera for a few seconds before a small speck landed out of sight.
The spear impaled the poor deer right in the jugular; they were able to find it after following the thick red trail of blood that it left. She immediately pulled a cylindrical canteen from her backpack and filled it with blood.
Ayala and I will now share the nectar of our kill. Thank you, kind animal for your sacrifice.
I counted 4 gulps as I saw the Queen down her portion of the canteen before handing it to her daughter. She hesitated before taking a small sip.
The final shot showed the Queen carrying the deer’s carcass over her shoulder. It’s blood running down her back and matting in her dark brown hair.
That was when I saw it. A small message in the description box. Right underneath the usual blurb about commenting and subscribing.
Do YOU want to spend a week with the Queen of Hearts? I will choose one random comment on this video and invite them out to EAT, TRAIN, and LIVE with the Queen herself. A winner will be randomly chosen in two weeks.
I read the message a few times over. Some background about me: I have struggled with weight loss my entire life. Both sides of my family are obese and their genetics seem to catch up with me no matter what I try. I’ve been through every diet in the books. Low fat? Tried it. I gave up on that after months of fatigue and poor skin. Low carb, vegan, IIFYM. I’ve tried them all as well. They either caused me to gain even more weight or were way too hard to sustain.
Have you ever tried eating just red meat and cheese for weeks on end? It sucked. Well recently, this new ancestral diet has been everywhere on the internet. Though there weren’t many people as radical as the Queen of Hearts, the movement has caught a lot of steam. Based on my internet rabithole ‘research’, here is what it entails: Eating an organ meat-based diet with plenty of liver, kidney, heart, and all the other parts of the animal most Americans would normally throw out. Occasional carbs and dairy were fine but zero vegetables. There was some appeal to ‘a natural way of life, congruent with how our ancestors would have lived thousands of years ago’. I guess it made sense. Maybe I just liked the idea of not eating vegetables since I’ve hated them since I was a kid.
Anyways, I figured ‘what the hell’. I could use someone to walk me through this ‘ancestral lifestyle’. It was basically the only diet I hadn’t tried already.
I commented: ‘If I get picked, can I do the Spartan Armor walk too?’
A week passed and I had completely forgotten about the whole contest. I was shocked however to see the glowing red notification on my homepage..
Congratulations, ancestral! You have been selected as our lucky contestant. Please provide the below information and we will start scheduling your all expenses paid trip to the Queen of Hearts Ranch.
First Name:
Last Name:
Date of Birth:
Height:
Weight:
Fitness Level:
Shirt Size:
Shipping Address:
Most recent 400m dash time:
Blood Type:
I squinted my eyes in confusion as I read the last two lines. It was quickly replaced by excitement at the free trip. After filing the information as well as a large list of waivers- basically saying that I wouldn’t sue if I fell during a workout, I was given a pair of first class flight tickets.
“Greetings, ancestral” The Queen greeted me with a hug tight enough to knock the wind out of me.
Though an inch or two shorter than me, the Queen of Hearts had the presence of a giant. Her short haircut and mud-covered skin made it very clear she wasn’t interested how she looked. Her body was even more impressive in person. Her pectoral muscles were completely separated. I counted a ten pack on her stomach. I could see all of this due to her signature outfit of a tiny sports bra and biker shorts.
“Hey, good to meet you…um Queen” I nearly choked as her body odor filled my nostrils. A mix of sweat, dirt, and a metallic aroma I couldn’t quite identify.
“Please, call me Sarah”
As she let go, I was able to see the rest of her family.
“Here are my children, Zvi and Ayala.”
I waved down at them. Despite their hair color, I never would have guessed they were her kids. They didn’t look much like her at all. Zvi even held a small Nintendo switch in his hands. ‘Definitely not what our ancestors would have done’ I chuckled to myself.
“And my husband, Gary.”
He smiled and gave me a quick hug as well. Like the kids, he didn’t seem much like Sarah at all. A bit more fit than your average guy, but not ripped to shreds. He looked like a standard dad- complete with the cargo shorts and T-shirt combo.
After we finished our greetings, I followed the family into their house. This house was much more like a mansion. Though only a single story, it was huge. A main hallway stretched down, longer than my apartment hallway. A warm orange glow painted the main foyer. Various pieces of dark, wooden furniture decorated the room.
“Before I take you to your room, let me grab your phone. I don’t know if you’ve seen my house tour on YouTube but we don’t use wifi or cellular devices here.”
She pointed to a black box in the corner.
“This is a Faraday cage. Your phone will be here for the course of your trip”
After some protest, I realized she wasn’t going to budge on this. I reluctantly handed her the device.
The plan was to give me some time to get situated before dinner. After that we were going to do a tour of her estate and go over our plans for the week.
To be honest, I was dreading the meal more than anything. I could sweat out a workout or two, but that food seemed disgusting in her videos. I steeled myself after repeating in my head that it was just for a week. ‘If our ancestors did it, so can I’.
I sat at the massive oak table; the spread looked like thanksgiving at Hannibal Lecter’s.
The centerpiece of this meal: a mound of pinkish red ground beef. A small crevice was dug into the center of the pile to fit several raw, cracked eggs.
Next to that, several racks of larger beef ribs. Fortunately, these were cooked and looked delicious. Just like in the videos, there were all different kinds of organ meats. Mostly raw, but fortunately some cooked as well. Liver, a full heart that looked like it had been ripped out of an animal 45 minutes ago, brain, kidneys, and… two massive testicles. They were pale but streaked with little red lines. I forced myself not to gag, reminding myself that this way of eating is normal for different cultures around the world.
Some normal foods were on the table as well. Grilled cheeseburgers, rice, guacamole, and some crispy potatoes.
“Since I know you’re new to this, Mark” The Queen started, “I’ll let you stick to the cooked meats and other foods… but you need to try just a small piece of heart”
My stomach turned. That was the last thing I wanted to consume on the table. But again, I was the guest, and I was there to learn from her.
“Okay, sounds good, how big of a piece are we talking?” I said nervously
She grabbed the sharpest butcher knife I had ever seen with an enthusiastic look and sliced a large chunk before setting it on my plate. At least a quarter pound of the organ that looked like it was pumping blood about 30 minutes ago.
I sucked in a deep breath.
That I could see the cow’s aorta staring at me.
“Okay here goes nothing” I said as I tried to slice a small piece of the heart. The meat was so tough that it took several seconds.
The whole family stared at me in anticipation as I took one last breath and took my bite.
I nearly vomited as the rubbery texture and irony taste filled my mouth. I tried my hardest to keep my mouth closed and keep chewing until I could finally swallow. After a few more chews, I gave up and swallowed several gulps of water. Holding my fist to my face as the mash of lumpy viscera slid down my throat.
The tension in the room lightened. “Congratulations, king!” the Queen of hearts said as she clapped my back in celebration. I knew that was going to leave a bruise later. I scarfed down the rest of the heart in similar fashion before loading up my plate with a mountain of the normal food. It was all perfectly cooked and tasted delicious. After I was too stuffed to move, Sarah told me “Hey Mark, make sure you eat as much as possible tonight. Because tomorrow, we began the FAST” her eyes flashed in this crazy way as she roared in excitement.
I nodded slowly, beginning to dread the coming week and then grabbed two more burger patties from the tray.
After finishing my meal, Sarah and I began our walk around the compound.
“Out here is our patio, a perfect place to be in nature while still able to enjoy our modern luxuries. As you can see in front of us, there is the lake. We fish, we take our boats out, all that kind of stuff”
We continued our walk. The compound was shaped like a giant square. The patio faced the lake which was to the east. The north and west was all forest.
“The south,” The Queen pointed as our bare feet crunched the leaves and grass “Is where we keep our animals. We have 30 cows, 10 goats, 50 chickens”
“Well, I can imagine your meat needs are covered with all those animals” I laughed.
She remained silent for one or two seconds as her wild eyes met mine.
“Yeah, you’re right, at least most of them” She agreed as we continued our walk.
After continuing the small perimeter sweep of the compound, giving me a glimpse of the waters, forest, and animals, we went back to the house.
“Meet me right at this spot tomorrow morning at 5:00AM sharp, ancestral” The Queen of Hearts commanded.
I stiffened, that would be at least 5 hours before I was used to. Well, this is what I’m here for I reasoned internally.
“Sounds good” I nodded quickly.
I dragged my feet into the bedroom, exhausted from travel.
I jumped into the small bed on the floor and almost broke my tailbone. Exasperated, I flipped the sheets up to see maybe one or two mattress pads covering a fucking wooden block.
I groaned, leaning back on the bed to find no pillow either.
I woke up the next morning after some dreadful dreams of being force fed more organs from a slaughtered animal.
Shit, 4:55AM. I stumbled up and ran up to the foyer to meet Sarah.
“Good morning, ancestral!” She shouted cheerfully as if she had already been up for a few hours.
“Hey… good morning.” I groaned. “Also, I didn’t get a chance to wash my face or brush my teeth. Do you mind if I take a few minutes to go do that?”
Sarah let out a hearty laugh.
“Do you think our ancestors would brush their little teeth with that chemical bullshit? We won’t be brushing or grooming this week.”
I paused for a second.
“Are you serious?”
“We don’t need to do that stuff. Trust me, I used to work at a dental office. You live like your ANCESTORS, and your hygiene takes care of itself! Don’t worry, you can always bathe in the lake.”
I didn’t know what was more shocking. How eccentric this woman’s routine was or how she had this much energy in the morning. Maybe the two had something to do with each other. Either way, I had already come out here. There was no backing down now.
“Ohhkay” I conceded. I made a mental note to keep her out of smelling range.
“Great! Let’s get to feeding the animals. Ayala and Zvi are already out there.”
As we started walking, Sarah continued “Here is the game plan, ancestral. Today we will fast. Your next meal won’t be until dinner tomorrow. You will train heavy and hard. Breaking the weakness in your body down. By the time your next meal comes around, liver will taste like cheesecake.”
After hearing that, it took a lot of courage not to turn around and run. ‘Just 6 more days’ I repeated in my head.
“Sounds good, Sarah. The heart actually wasn’t too bad last night.” I half lied. Wanting to impress her.
With the size of the ranch and number of animals, it took almost three hours to complete the feeding and tending. By the time we were done, the sun was already up.
After that, it was time for the gladiator march.
I nearly fell over as Ayala fit me into the suit of armor. It had to have weighed at least 50 pounds. Maybe even more.
Sarah had already finished putting her’s on too. She added another weighted backpack to her plated back.
“AND WE MARCH”
The workout was as brutal as it looked on the YouTube videos. I stopped every few feet. After completing the walk, I threw off my helmet and threw up the contents of my stomach on the grass.
The rest of the two-day stretch looked like some mix of training and completing chores around the estate. I was beginning to think they didn’t want to hire an extra maid. By the time dinner rolled around on the following evening, I was hungry beyond belief.
“Today, we are only eating raw. The whole beast, unadulterated by man” The Queen proclaimed as the lid was taken off the main course. It was one of the chickens from the farm. alive. Looking around in confusion.
“The honor is yours Mark. Please.” She handed me a small hunting dagger.
Fatigue and shock filled me. “I…I can’t do this. I’ve never killed an animal before. I don’t even know how.”
“THIS is your place in the life cycle, ancestral. You must take the life of another creature. You have spent your whole life eating animal products and meat. You MUST be willing to kill the creature with dignity and honor.”
The whole family stared at me with a zeal in their eyes.
“I know, Mark. My first kill was hard too” Zvi said with some empathy. I was shocked. The kid was no older than 10.
“We have all had to kill,” Ayala continued. “Reclaim your place in the food chain, Mark.”
Weakened by hunger and fatigue. I complied. I grabbed the chicken’s throat with my left hand. And carved a small slit across its width.
The bird let out the most horrible squawk as the light left its red eyes. Rivulets of blood poured almost immediately.
“Drink IT” The queen shouted. Don’t let any of the blood go to waste. I tried to comply. I tasted some of the blood and immediately felt sick. The thick irony liquid was too much for me. I gagged and almost threw up again.
“GIVE ME THAT” The queen of hearts roared with a disgusted look on her face. She jumped out of her seat to grab the chicken and pressed her mouth directly over the slit I carved. She gulped down several mouthfuls of the blood and poured the rest into a wide-mouthed jar.
“Sorry… I wasn’t ready for that.” I murmured.
The Queen of hearts stared at me with an ice-cold gaze, her teeth stained with blood. It ran down her mouth from both sides and covered her chest and sports bra.
“It is my fault, Mark,” She responded. Softening her look. “I should have prepared you for the kill. I understand if you don’t wish to continue our retreat. I can have your flight booked for tomorrow and you can be on your way.”
Shit. My whole body was screaming at me to accept the offer and get the fuck out of there. I wanted a normal bed, real food that wasn’t covered in blood. I wanted to stay inside and watch TV.
“No… I can stay.” I responded before I could succumb to my desires. I came here for a reason.
“Excellent!” The Queen exclaimed. “Then the feast will continue!”
After getting over the initial shock, my hunger took over and I began to scarf down on the food. I loaded my plate up with a big piece of heart, liver, and even some testicles.
Dessert was… brain ice cream. A mix of brain, yogurt, and maple syrup. I’m surprised to say, it was delicious.
The rest of the week continued like the first few days. I was allowed to eat though. The only caveat, I couldn’t eat until after I had worked out hard enough to knock myself out. I was so busy working on the ranch, working out, and sleeping, that I didn’t even notice the next couple days go by. On day five, after we finished a swim, I asked the queen:
“This has been good, is there anything else we have planned for the week?”
She looked at me slowly and grinned.
“Of course, we have been doing all this training for a purpose. On the seventh day, we shall begin the HUNT”
My mind flashed to the video of Sarah and Ayala sneaking through the woods looking for deer.
I smiled. “That sounds good.” I felt like I was seeing the benefit of this kind of lifestyle. The food was beginning to grow on me. I had been sleeping better than I ever had before. Maybe this ‘ancestral lifestyle’ was something I could live with.
“Aren’t you going to teach me how to use a weapon?” I asked. I saw in the videos you had like bows and spears and stuff”
“Don’t worry, you won’t need those things for this kind of hunt” she laughed.
Though confused, I was now acclimated to Sarah’s strange behavior and let it go.
I soon learned what exactly she meant by that.
Though dead tired, I had a hard time sleeping that night. Anticipation for the final day and upcoming hunt had me tossing and turning.
I woke up on the final day to see the Queen at my door instead of our usual meeting spot. Instead of her sports bra and biker shorts, she wore a white loincloth.
“Come now, we shall begin.”
I nodded and joked, “I guess my final lesson is how to kill a deer using karate”
She ignored me and kept walking.
After several minutes of silence later, I tried again. I nervously chuckled “so what exactly are we hunting? Birds? Deer again? Any bears around here?”
She ignored me again as we neared the woods. I could see Ayala waiting on an animal skin rug laid out on the ground. She was sharing the same somber expression as Sarah.
Ayala had a bow and quiver on her back and was also dressed in just a small loin cloth. She stood up and handed Sarah a large wooden spear.
“Prepare for your rite of passage Ayala” She roared, loud enough to send a flock of birds scattered from a nearby tree.
“Guys…what the fuck are we hunting” I stammered. My sleepiness was slowly replaced by knots of anxiety in my stomach.
They both gathered close enough to me for me to smell their breaths. There was an acrid, sickly smell emanating from both of them. This was different from the usual musk of post workout sweat…They smelled like death. I nearly gagged but managed to hold it down after some deep breaths. I tried to back away but stopped after a motion from Sarah’s sinewy arm.
“Let us take a moment” The queen said with her eyes closed, “To thank Mark Walker. For his kindness. His generosity. His humility…. his bravery”
I started to panic. My lungs filled with rapid, shallow breaths as they continued. Daring not to move after I was told not to. My eyes scanned the forest for an escape route.
“We wish you the best of luck in this hunt, Mark. For if you can survive the hunt, you will be granted the greatest gift of all. Life.”
“And if not…we shall consume your entire body with dignity and gratitude. Rest assured, your flesh, bone, and blood will be solely used to nourish us for many moons. Not a portion of the carcass will go to waste”
My eyes grew wide, I was about to face the same fate as the deer I had seen the Queen hunt down with pinpoint accuracy several times now. I was unarmed against two fucking hunters.
She laid down a small hourglass from her satchel and flipped it.
“When the sand has fallen, we shall begin our HUNT” She roared the last words with a ferocity that made my hair stand up.
I leaped forward, almost out of primal instinct, and bolted into the woods. I caught a glimpse of them just before I entered the forest. The Queen of hearts stood there with a manic look on her tan face. I could sense what she was feeling: hunger. She wanted to hunt me down like an animal and suck the marrow out of my bones.
“Ayala, stay guard here in case he tries to escape the forest from this side” She commanded. Ayala nodded and drew her bow with a steeled expression.
The image of my mutilated corpse, splayed out on the dining table flashed in my head, propelling me deeper into the woods.
I sprinted through the forest for a few minutes before finding a large, thick bush and diving into it. Unbothered by the many thorns piercing my skin. The sky was dark, but barely. The sun was just about to rise, most-likely giving away my hiding spot.
Shit. What is my plan here? I thought of the layout of the ranch. I could keep running away. With my head start I could leave the woods to the north and try to find help.
That wouldn’t work. Past the forest there was no cover at all. She would get a perfect shot. If Ayala caught up, she could shoot me down from even further away.
I could fight. The Queen could kill me with her bare hands. But Ayala… no she had the bow. She could shoot me before I even saw her.
What else? The west? Forest there too. I would have to rely on my ability to hide from the Queen of hearts. A horrifying proposition but better than running through the vast open spaces outside of the woods.
I heard a primal roar erupt from the Queen’s direction. She had begun to move.
Okay…think. East. The lakes… I could swim away…. Not for long until they heard me and chased me down. That was another race I would never win.
I heard the rustle of leaves, many meters in front of me. She was getting close. I needed to find a way out of here.
A thought hit me. They have some boats. What if I took one and escaped that way? No… Ayala could easily shoot me down before I would be able to get the thing moving.
Fuck. The Queen of Hearts would kill me in the forest if I stayed here. And If I ran out of the forest…Ayala would be ready to turn me into swiss cheese.
I was going to be hard to spot in my current bush due to the darkness, but that would not last long. Sarah knew this forest far better than me. Hiding would only delay my eventual slaughter. I felt the gentle forest breeze on my skin. The desperation for survival cleared away all other thoughts and feelings.
An idea began to form in my head…
With no time to prepare, I had nothing except the clothes on my back.
I took off my shirt and fit it over a nearby log with it. It had my general shape. This would have to do. I moved it just slightly out of the bush. Enough to be seen if someone was looking hard enough. I moved as quietly as I possibly could away from the foliage and towards the water. Miraculously, my sound was masked by the forest life. The sounds of birds and other animals were the only things keeping my presence concealed.
Three separate times, I snapped some loud twigs and braced myself for the end by way of a spear through my back. It never happened.
I crawled that way for what felt like hours. As discreetly as possible. I eventually reached the edge of the woods. Crouched just at the edge of the forest, I could see Ayala with her bow drawn. Scanning the tree line.
I only had one chance to get this right. I grabbed a second log from the surrounding area and moved as quickly towards the boat as possible.
Ayala saw me and shouted “Mom, he’s by the boats” before releasing two arrows. I successfully deflected one with the log and the other narrowly missed my shoulder.
Shit. I need to keep moving. My cover blown, I broke into a run, as fast as I could while still holding the log to my blind side.
More arrows whistled at me with deadly accuracy. I screamed with pain as one pierced my right arm, the one holding the log.
By the time I had made it to the boat, I saw the Queen of hearts looking at me with ferocious eyes at the edge of the woods.
She roared again and began a mad sprint; demonic rage covered her features which were just beginning to illuminate in the first rays of the sun.
I squeaked like a frightened gazelle and frantically doubled my speed, crouching behind the log to avoid Ayala’s arrows.
I just barely undid the ropes and freed the boat as I heard the heavy footsteps thump towards me. The Queen of Hearts was barely a foot away from me when I ripped the motor’s pullcord and the boat whirred to life. I lurched forward as I hit the throttle and took off. Another arrow flew towards me but plopped into the water. At this distance, I was just out of Ayala’s reach.
“I WILL RIP YOUR HEART OUT” The Queen Bellowed into the air before twisting back and hurling her spear at me in a last-ditch effort to either kill me or sink the boat.
“FUCK YOU” I screamed as I threw the piece of log in her direction. It worked.
The spear made a dull thud against the wood and they both fell harmlessly to the ground.
I fell over, flat against the floor of the boat. Barely able to move from exhaustion. I saw one or two more arrows fly towards me as Ayala walked forward in an attempt to close the distance. It was too late. I escaped.
…
I have not been the same since my week with the Queen of Hearts. I tried to file a report over the attack. I gathered all the evidence I could. The flight tickets, the YouTube contest. Even my own shattered forearm. I thought for sure a piece of arrow that ended up on the boat would be enough proof.
Even with all of that, the investigation was unsuccessful. There was no way to prove anything. The Queen had no neighbors for miles and there were no cameras that may have caught her. Hell, even the arrowheads I presented didn’t match the ones on the Ranch. We were able to prove that I went out there for the contest but there was zero evidence of a ritualistic hunt. Even my own lawyers looked at me like I was crazy when I described the events.
I felt lost for a long time after this. My arm healed up just fine after a few months. My mind took a lot longer. One question still remained after months of therapy. I wondered to whom the organs and meat we had been eating belonged to. The hearts, livers, testicles, even brains. Were they all previous victims of the Queen?
The part that scares me the most, I am beginning to long for that taste.