I loved Craig. He was the type of guy, you look at him and you just wonder. How the fuck do you fit in your trousers Craig? Do you just jiggle around until eventually they slip in, like a turd wriggling back inside an arsehole?
Anyway, today, he’s eating his ‘elevenses’ as he calls them. He eats, to himself, a WHOLE pack of Jaffa Cakes. One after the other. He just opens up the pack and slides them into his gaping mouth. I felt like I was watching some fetish porn or something, it was fucking disgusting.
And, get this. At the end of it, as he was pushing the last Jaffa Cake down his throat with his fingers. He gagged. He just makes a sloppy gulp like he’s giving his hand a nice wet blow job. Then he seals his lips around HIS WHOLE FIST and pulls it out and kisses the tip. SLCHOP! MMWA!
I couldn’t help laughing, “Craig, you are fucking ridiculous mate. You fuck!” I said to him, I had to! Then I pretended to perform fellatio to an air penis. GULP GULP GULP.
He thought it was pretty funny too, and he joined in “You fucking wanker!” GULP GULP GULP, then he put his whole fist in his mouth and just started fellating his fist and arm, I couldn’t believe what I was seeing!
“Craig you fucking nutter! Everyone come and take a look at Craig, he’s fucking lost it!”
A couple people came over and we watched him fellating his arm for a bit, he was laughing and drooling as he went. He even started doing a little sexy dance for us. I was the one to start throwing money at him.
“Everyone get your fives out for Big Craigy. He’s doing us a special dance!” I said.
He started tucking the money into his waistband and kept dancing, fellating himself, we were having a pretty good time, all chanting GLUG GLUG BIG CRAIG GOES GLUG GLUG.
Then he bit down. He started chewing on himself. Gnawing away on his arm.
“Knock it off Craig my boy, playtimes over”
He just kept going though.
He started to bleed. Blood spurting out everywhere.
People were screaming and someone pulled the fire alarm, then everyone started running.
Not me though.
I stayed to watch Craigs performance. He was still dancing, twirling around giving me a bit of ass jiggle now, while he continued to eat his own arm.
Only, he was crying now. Perhaps he could sense the end was coming. I knew something terrible was happening.
“It’s okay baby. I understand.” I went over to him, petting him on his head. “I’m here baby. You do what you have to do.” I stroked his face “I’m gonna be here.”
I stayed with him the whole time. Right until the end. He made it to his ribs before he bled out, still trying to do that sexy dance, which came out as sad gyrating and squirming on the floor.
We were together as he departed the world. I sat behind him and wrapped my legs around his body, and watching the sun set out of our office window. We were both scared, but I had to hold it together.
“You see that Craig. It’s setting for you baby.”
RIP Craig.