So you’ve applied for the job of dog sitting my beautiful boy, and got the job! Congrats! Here’s a few rules you need to follow.
When you arrive at the home my dog will be in his cage, let him out and give him a treat I have laid out, if he is not inside his cage and greets you at the door, immediately shut the door and wait for the scratching and crying to stop before entering again. That is not my dog.
If you see my dog sitting at the back door, open the door step outside and promptly turn around. Do not go inside, but do not look at him. He doesn’t like when you stare while he does his business.
2A. If you do not turn around, and he spots you, drop to your knees and begin to pray to him, he will grant you mercy the first time since your new. Do not make the mistake again, or you will end up with the others.
My dog is very sweet, and will happily let you pet him as long as he is in your lap or begging for affection, if you pet him and he is not doing one of these things, you will lose your arm. There is a first aid kit under the sink, just make sure he is still eating your arm while you bandage yourself up. If you taste good enough, he may go back for seconds.
Exercise is very important! So at 4 pm every day if it is not raining, and the sky is a normal color, leash him up and let him walk around the block twice. Anymore than this will result in him getting upset. Do not make him upset.
4A. If the sky is a different color, shut the blinds and take my dog to my room. Hide under the bed with him and wait for the screaming outside to end. Don’t worry, he just likes to see how you will react.
5A. If you hear the voices and decide to let them out, they will tear you apart and offer you to my dog as penance. It’s best you don’t do that.
5B. If you hear knocking instead of voices, get my dog and place him at the door, then leave the basement. If you do not want to hear bones cracking and screaming, turn the tv on and pretend it’s not happening. He will return eventually. Don’t mind the blood, though.
6A. If he does not get back into bed, please wait until you see the light from the sun to move, my dog most likely isnt there to protect you anymore, but don’t worry! He’s just seeing how you fair.
My dog answers only to “Master” if it’s not me speaking to him, if you say his name to him, he will show you his true form. You will then most likely kill yourself from the divine knowledge.
I will not return early, EVER. If I turn up early, lock the doors and windows and make sure my dog knows. if he likes you, he will protect you. If not, just listen for the scratching and keep a lighter and hair spray on you. It doesnt like fire. It will go away in a few hours.
To brush my dogs teeth please shut your eyes and ask to see his teeth. Use the brush provided to GENTLY scrub his teeth. Do not be alarmed by how big his mouth is or why theres so many rows, he will not hurt you as long as your gentle and keep. Your. Eyes. Shut.
If he is needed to be bathed, lead him to the back yard and make sure the hose is on the “mist” setting. Leave the back yard and wait for him to knock seven times, then let him in and towel him off.
10A. If he does not knock seven times, do not let him in. The mimic is back.
If you follow these rules, you will be fine and my dog will see you as a devout follower! Just dont try and replace me, he’s not fond of impostors. If you have any questions, do not hesitate to ask.
I’ll see you soon.