Hello! Thank you for watching out lovely house. This house is our family’s pride and joy and has been with us for generations. However, this isn’t your normal family residence. Listed below is a sheet of rules that will ensure your survival during your time here.
Please make sure to clean up after yourself. This is a family residence after all. You wouldn’t like it if someone you didn’t know left a mess in your own house! Plus He doesn’t like it when the house is dirty.
As mentioned in the text that I or my husband sent you, this is an overnight job. We have a guest room on the second floor of the house. It has a bathroom, a TV and a mini fridge stocked with food and drink so there’s no reason to leave the room. You must be in the guest room between 10pm and 5am. Don’t worry about making the bed, it seems to keep itself tidy.
2a. There is a lock on the guest room door. I can’t stress enough how important it is that you must lock the door when you are in the room.
2b. If you happen to be outside of the guest room between 10pm and 5am then I’m sorry. I cannot help you anymore. I’d say it’ll be quick but I’d be lying.
During your time here, a small brunette child named Randy may knock on the door and ask if he can use the bathroom. Don’t let him in. That is not a child.
If the TV in the family room ever turns on by itself, you have somehow offended the entities. Leave some fruit in front of the screen and don’t enter the room for 15 minutes. After the 15 minutes pass, all should be good.
Don’t enter the room beside the downstairs bathroom. You will not like what you see.
If all of a sudden you seem to get a sense of impending doom, that’s because He’s coming. Quickly but quietly leave the house and don’t come back until the next day. Don’t worry, we’ll understand and your pay won’t be docked.
A stray black and white tabby cat might appear in the backyard every now and then. Don’t be alarmed, that’s just James. He’s a stray that comes round occasionally. Make sure that his fur is black and white. If the fur is any other colour then run to the basement. You’ll know when it’s safe to come out.
In the rare event that a tall man wearing a black coat knocks on the door, open it and talk to him. It won’t change the fact that you’re about to die a gruesome death but we recommend keeping up a conversation.
Leave the plant in the guest room alone. It protects you from the house and it’s entities so you don’t want to make it mad. Don’t worry about watering it, it doesn’t need water.
You’re allowed to leave the house for whatever reason but try not to be away for more than 3 hours. The house will get lonely. The only exception to this rule is rule 6.
You can eat anything in the kitchen fridge except the cookies. We don’t know how it keeps appearing and we don’t recommend eating it unless you want blood to surge out of every hole in your body.
Please do not talk shit about Nicki Minaj. It makes the house angry.
We will let you know when we are coming home. If all of a sudden there’s a knock at the door followed by a voice saying “We’re back!” then run like hell to the basement. That is not us. You’ll again know when it’s safe to come out.
13a. Should you not make it to the basement in time, you will experience things that no human should ever experience. We’re sorry in advance.
If at any time you see a bright white light coming from the outside, don’t worry. It’s just the house cleansing itself. You won’t be harmed unless you look directly at the light for too long.
Ask us before you invite someone over. The house doesn’t like people it doesn’t know.
Don’t fall asleep in any room apart from the guest room, ever. You don’t want to know what happens if you don’t follow this rule.
If you ever hear thumping from the attic, find the quickest way to end yourself. This may seem harsh but it’s way better than what will happen to you if you don’t.
We have access to every streaming service known to man. Feel free to watch anything you’d like but if you’re watching The Vampire Diaries, we recommend skipping season 6. For some reason unknown to us, it offends the entities.
If the house takes a liking to you, you’ll find dead animals at the foot of the guest bed when you wake up. That’s its idea of a gift to you. It may not be ideal but please treat it as you would an actual gift. You don’t want to offend the house.
When the mailman inevitably comes, accept any package from him, no matter what it looks or smells like. Once he has left(make sure he has)take the package up to the attic and leave it by the door. That’s His food for the week.
Ignore rule 22. No matter how many times we rewrite this, it keeps appearing. If you value your life then you’ll ignore it.
as soon as you read this make your way to the attic. you won’t regret it :)
When we return, we will pay you in physical money and physical money only. You’ll be pleased with the amount we pay you.
That’s all! Please take good care of our house during your time here. After all, that’s what we pay you to do! If you do good deeds, good deeds will be done to you. Take care now!