Hey folks, I’ve been feeling kind of off lately and was hoping to get some advice. I’m not certain this is the right place to post this, but we don’t exactly have a lot of friends to talk with. For the last week or so it’s felt kind of like I’ve been emotionally off-kilter. I dunno, it’s like my Normal Operating Functions are the fritz, and I don’t think I’m always reacting right to stuff. I might need to go to the doc, but I figured it’d be wise to talk to other folks first before I waste the Currency.
Maybe it’ll help to just walk y’all through my normal day?
I roll off of my side of the bed pretty early and start picking out clothes from the pile. I’ve always been a bit of a morning person and like to take my time before I gotta head out. Around the time that I’m doing my daily ablutions I start to feel a bit anxious. Maybe it’s ‘cause I’m more fully awake, but I get this sort of tingling pit that settles into my chest and sticks there for the whole day. I can’t for the life of me figure out what’s causing it, there’s nothing above my head, and work’s been okay these days. I throw on my clothes, pick out my lucky tie for the day (It’s cute calicos today), and head on into the kitchen to get some food going.
I’ve always been a big breakfast guy. See, I live in a small 2 bedroom house and the smell of food fills the whole place and creates this wonderful warm and homely atmosphere. Anyway, I get some bacon and eggs whipped up real quick, dish out the food around the table and settle into my chair with a sickly wet squelch. Food’s pretty good If I do say so myself, and, I DO NOT spend my chow time staring blankly at the mounds of old eggs at the other seats. Pretty good morning, all things considered. After a quick cup of the ol’ bean juice I’m out the door.
It’s coming down outside, but I don’t really need an umbrella as I head to the MOTOR VEHICLE. She starts up with a throaty gurgling purr, and starts trottin’ down the road. The drive to work isn’t too bad; traffic is pretty minimal these days and the trip is pretty short. The only problem I run into is that the drive is quiet enough that I usually find myself stewing in that anxious feeling from earlier. I’ve still got that tingly pit in my chest and I find myself having to remind myself to breathe as I realize I’ve been holding my breathe for the last minute. Honestly, it kinda drives me up the wall, but maybe it’s just because I’m heading to work? I dunno, all this is to say that the drive is uneventful, I guess.
I head on in and up the elevator to the ol’ WORKPLACE. We’ve got a pretty decent sized WORKPLACE, a whole floor even, so I find myself having to walk a bit to get to my cubicle. There’s only a couple of folks in, maybe ten of us or so, but we’ve all worked together for a couple of years now and get on well enough. Most of them are already deep in their work and doing some number-punching, but there’s a couple of folks who give me a quiet, “Mornin’” as I pass on by. I spot Joe heading to the break room. He waves, I don’t. With a quiet sigh, I sit on down and start typing in some numbers myself. Now, I know a lot of folks look down on this sort of “boring desk work,” but honestly ever since the… DOWNSIZING, I’ve just been glad to have something to do. Fills the voids, you know? After a while, I get up to get some coffee, and this is where I start running into some trouble.
Now I always considered myself to be well-enough adjusted. I wasn’t a social butterfly per se, but I had gotten the hang of talking with folks and shooting the shit. Lately though, I can’t seem to say a damn thing right. Like for instance, when I went to go get coffee I ran into Susan, who’s usually pretty nice, if a bit old-fashioned. I’m brewing my coffee and she asks me, “How about the weather?” Easy enough, right? So I tell her, “boy howdy, it’s crying buckets out there. Right?”, and she just stares at me, like I didn’t even say anything. So I clear my throat just to fill the silence and go to scratch my head but we don’t scratch our heads any more and she’s started talking about her husband but her husbands STILL CORPOREAL and when I mention that John’s been murmering for the last hour and its getting on my nerves she clams up again and asks me about the weather but the weather still IS NOT sobbing over its mistake and then my coffee is ready, so I say, “Welp, I better get back to it, looks like my coffee’s ready.” Weird right? I’d say that Sally was just having an off day, but I feel like every conversation I get into is running like that. It’s getting to the point where I get anxious just talking to folks. I’ve started avoiding the breakroom.
The rest of the day’s pretty uneventful, no else comes in, but I eventually punch my last number and wrap up for the day. I head down and out of the WORKPLACE, walking with Joe as we go. It’s still crying down outside, but we don’t need umbrellas. Neither of us says anything (I’m a bit of a quiet type and so’s Joe) as we walk across the warm and sweaty PARKING SURFACE. I climb on into my MOTOR VEHICLE, but She isn’t A MOTOR VEHICLE, MOTOR VEHICLE. I DO NOT need to grab some kibble for my MOTOR VEHICLE tomorrow. The drive IS NOT as FULL, devoid of life and movement and light and warmth and people and roads and and joy as it always is. THE ROAD IS NOT AN OPEN WOUND.
By the time I get home I feeling pretty down and exhausted. Maybe punching number is more draining than I thought. The house is still empty as always. Dinner is usually some frozen crap that NO ONE USED EAT. she DID NOT EAT. I usually eat at my computer, surf the web, read some stories or whatever, but tonight I find myself NOT staring out the window for the first time in years as I write this. God it’s been so long, at least since the DOWNSIZING. Do any of you remember? I look over and DO NOT catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror. I DO NOT SEE the wiry tendrils of sinew hanging from the abomination that is GOD’S MESSENGER as they bores into my skull TO MAINTAIN A CONSENSUS REALITY. I DO NOT SEE. I DO NOT SEE the sky rent by a myriad of eyes from a God whose clumsy cosmic misstep shattered us. I DO NOT hear God’s softly murmured apologies for they do not matter. I CEASE STARING at the rooms that I WILL NEVER ENTER FOR MY OWN GOOD. I DO NOT CONTINUE STARING. I. I. I. I. I. I CONTINUE WRITING SO THAT HELP MAY COME.
SOMETHING IS WRONG, see folks? That’s about the long and the short of it, sorry for the ramble. Y’all got any ideas?