I’m starting to think my dreams are not just dreams. I woke up startled in the middle of the night. I don’t know what woke me up, I don’t remember dreaming. I just woke up suddenly, in a complete panic. I tried to sit up and realized I was completely frozen.
“Okay, it’s okay… this is just sleep paralysis, it will be over soon,” I tried hard to sooth myself, but if you’ve ever experienced sleep paralysis, man it is beyond terrifying.
I’ve had a few of these episodes in the last couple years. Once I saw truly terrifying little boy in the corner of my bedroom, hiding between the wall and dresser, hugging his knees to his chest. I watched as he opened his mouth extremely wide like he was screaming at the top of his lungs, but no sound came out… not at first. As soon as he closed his mouth, I heard the most God awful blood curdling scream come from his direction as he just stared directly at my frozen body. That one messed me up pretty good.
A month or two later, I had another one. I woke up this time in darkness. Yet even in the near complete blackness, I could see an even darker silhouette of a man just sitting in a chair about 10 feet from me, staring straight ahead like I wasn’t there. Then I began to hear music, like a distorted version of a song you’d hear from a creepy old music box in a bad horror movie. It got louder and louder, and I had a horrible sense that not only was there something just wrong about this music, but that it could hurt me somehow. Like it was coming from the dark man, and he was using it to influence my terror.
Upon this realization, I could see him in my mind’s eye; his expression was that of a contented “it’s working,” sort of smirk.
So, I knew to expect something utterly fucking terrifying this time. I knew I had to just wait it out. I knew it was only a matter of seconds even if it felt like forever. But I was still not the least bit prepared for what I saw.
My boyfriend was laying in bed next to me. I kept trying to force my arms to reach out to him. No matter how hard I strained, movement was completely impossible. I tried to scream, utterly pointless.
Pleading with myself to snap out of it, he began to roll over very slowly. He was now facing my direction, but so close his face was almost touching mine. Less than a few inches apart. Suddenly his eyes shot open, wider than I’ve ever seen a human capable of, and a massive grin slowly appeared on his face. He just stared at me with that awful smile, while my useless body defied my desperate urge to run. I felt sick, I have never been more terrified.
Finally, I snapped out of it, I jumped out of bed so glad my legs were working again, I almost forgot to notice, no one was in my bed. My boyfriend hadn’t even slept over that night.
“Fuckkk sleep paralysis is weird!” I said out loud to no one. It’s one thing to be paralyzed like that, but you’re awake .. that’s the whole problem right? You’ve woken up while your body is still paralyzed from your sleep state so you don’t accidentally hurt yourself while you’re dreaming. So why the terrifying nightmare like visions if you’re no longer dreaming, if you’re already awake?
Sure, there have been studies done to explain the hallucinations … but it doesn’t explain why they’re so fucking horrific! Why don’t we envision happy little elves, or purple butterflies, or literally anything that isn’t some of the most utterly terrifying images your mind can possibly come up with?
I tried to convince myself it must be since you’re already afraid. You woke up paralyzed, you’re already scared, so your mind is going to create frightening hallucinations instead of pleasant ones. I’m going to accept that explanation for now to keep my sanity.
The next night my boyfriend did sleep over. He passed right out, and I laid there awake next to him. I couldn’t stop staring at him, waiting for him to turn around. I finally turned away and tried to fall asleep, but before I was fully asleep, for a brief moment I thought I felt him put his hand on my shoulder.
I spun around immediately. To find him still asleep. I was too tired at that point, so I brushed it off and finally fell asleep.
I was awoken by my boyfriend opening my squeaky bedroom door. I watched him close it behind him. This time I was not paralyzed. This time I was awake. I know I was awake.
I followed him out of the bedroom to ask if he was alright… he was asleep on the living room couch with the tv on. I stood there staring at him, unable to even process what was going on.
“Whooaaa fuck babe!!” He woke up startled.
I can see why your girlfriend standing over your sleeping body in the middle of the night would be freaky, but he had nothing on me.
“Dude, time out for a second,” I said, cutting off whatever he was trying to say. “How long have you been out here - “
“Jesus Jess, you scared the shit out of me. Why are you just creeping around —“ I didn’t let him finish that sentence.
“HOW LONG JACKSON!?” I yelled at him. “How long have you been out here?”
“I don’t know, couple hours maybe. You were snoring like all hell and it kept waking me up so I came out here around 2:30 I guess? Passed out watching tv, are you okay?” He asked, now sounding much more concerned than annoyed.
I looked at the clock 4:42… I couldn’t speak. I was again paralyzed with fear but this time for a different reason.
“Jackson, I just saw you walk out the fucking bedroom, like 30 seconds ago!” My own voice sounded even more frantic than I expected.
“You must have been dreaming Jess, I’ve been asleep out here for hours.
Listen, I love you, but you seriously need to see a doctor or something.. I think you might have sleep apnea, you snore like you’re friggin possessed or something. I’m not trying to embarrass you babe, but it’s been getting worse and it kinda freaks me out.” He told me as he continued to describe tonight’s “episode.”
“Like tonight, it wasn’t even just the snoring that made me get out of bed, like you were saying some weird shit.. and it’s not your normal voice.. The snores weren’t really normal either…”
He hesitated, probably not wanting to scare anymore of the absolute shit out of me, but decided to continue on.
“You were like… groaning, then growling, in this deep voice I’ve never heard before. It got louder and angrier…But then you just kinda started to whimper like you were scared of something .. and yeah I just noped right the fuck out of there after that” he explained.
“You asshole! Why didn’t you wake me up! Jesus!” I cried out as I flopped down on the couch, equally terrified and embarrassed.
“Well, I didn’t want to wake you up… and I mean, I know you’re insecure about the snoring and stuff. I didn’t want to tell you.” He said, genuinely.
I knew he meant what he was saying but I was too scared not to be angry at him for not waking me up from whatever horrible dream I must have been having.
“Well, you can go back to bed. I’m done with sleep for the night… rather stay here now anyway.” I said.
He stayed up with me for a little while watching tv, then with a hug and a yawn he made his way back to bed.
I obviously stayed up until the sun started to come out. I guess comforted knowing I wasn’t in the dark, anymore I closed my eyes, and laid down my head.
Right as I was falling asleep, I heard Jackson scream “JESS!!!” in an enraged tone.
I ran into the bedroom … “What!!?? What the fuck is going on.” I yelled in a panic.
He shared my panicked confusion, coupled with anger for waking him up out of a deep sleep, again, after keeping him up half the night already.
“You just screamed my name Jackson!! Like you were angry at me, but not normal angry, like I ran over you dog kind of angry… I’ve never heard you scream like that in my life!” I told him.
We went back and forth arguing. He decided either I was dreaming, or he was talking in his sleep. But I know I was awake. And I am highly doubting the possibility someone could scream something so clear and loud in their sleep.
Our jobs were on almost opposite ends of the city we lived in. He stayed at his apartment during the week, we traded off staying with each other for the weekends.
It’s Monday night now, I find myself alone. I wish I wasn’t alone. I wish he was here. I’ve been brushing these strange occurrences off for a long time now. The more I think back, the more I remember… hearing my name when I was a kid like it was being whispered in my ear right as I would begin to fall asleep. A shadow man standing in my doorway when I was a kid that I always assumed was one of my parents checking on me, yet whenever I tried speaking to it, it would walk away… I would get up to chase after it, and it would be gone; and of course both of my parents would be asleep in bed.
Then another memory popped back into my head. One I hadn’t thought of in years. I was maybe 7 years old? I had obviously gone to sleep in my own bed, but I woke up in the middle of the night sitting upright in a chair at a little desk in my room. I had a few moments to try and figure out how I ended up there when suddenly my head slammed down hard onto the desk, harder than I think I could have even done myself. It was like someone, or something shoved my head as hard as it could. I woke up back in bed, my face and pillow soaked in blood from my nose, I have no other memories of anything happening in between.
Trying to shake the racing thoughts so I could sleep. The clock read 2:30 am and I had to be up at 7. But I couldn’t close my eyes. I kept feeling like I was going to see something creeping around every corner if I dared to close my eyes and reopen them. I was scared to even blink!
“You’re a grown woman,” I yelled at myself. “Calm the fuck down and go to sleep ughhh…
Snowballs, pssss pssss” I called out to my cat to come keep me company. Such a good little buddy. He had clearly been asleep on the couch, yet he came running as soon as I called with an inquisitive little meow, a yawn and a stretch. His sleepy little eyes blinking at me.
How could I be scared with my fur baby protecting me? His good little vibes were sure to ward away anything with ill intent.
Snowballs, named not for his perfectly white coat, since he actually had a few large orange patches, but because hilariously enough one part of him was stark white. He was an abandoned kitten I took home with me. I hadn’t gotten him neutered… and hence… Snowballs.
‘How could anything scary come anywhere near that. No fucking way.’ I reassured myself and finally fell into a deep sleep.
I woke up a few hours later to use the bathroom. The clock read 4:42 am. Snowballs still right next to me. I smiled. Finally, I had shaken the paranoid fear that had gripped my chest so tightly I could barely breath. I let out a long sigh of relief. All I needed was my kitty and some damned sleep.
After doing the deed, I went to the kitchen to grab a glass of water. When I turned around I saw snowballs run past me into the living room. I followed and watched him curl up onto his favorite spot of the couch.
“Was my snoring keeping you awake too buddy?” I mused.
I walked back into my bedroom to see Snowballs still laying in the same exact spot on my bed.
“What.. the —“
The glass in my hand dropped and shattered on the floor. With that I woke up, again… or for real this time I supposed… until I saw the clock… 4:42 am.
“No, no, no………” I shook my head in disbelief. There was Snowballs, laying in the same spot asleep on my bed.
I held my breath as I walked through the kitchen to the living room. As fast as I could force my body forward, which was about the pace of a geriatric snail.
“There’s no way, there’s no fucking —“
But there he was, Snowballs, curling up in his favorite spot on the couch. One in my bed. One on my couch.
I slapped the ever-loving shit out of my own stunned face to make absolutely sure I wasn’t dreaming. Pinched myself…. Hard. I was awake. So there are really just two Snowballs now? Am I just supposed to brush that off too? They looked completely identical. Down to that very distinct, hilariously adorable feature he was so aptly named for. And every other patch of orange, completely identical, it was impossible to tell them apart.
So, if I dreamt that, and now it’s happening in real life …. What else wasn’t just a dream?
If there are two Snowballs, are there two Jacksons? The one so sweet he doesn’t want to wake me up even when I’m snoring like a dying demonic walrus, and the one who rolled over that night, inches from my face with those wide eyes, and that nightmarish sinister grin.
I just drank almost an entire pot of coffee and wrote this down to try to keep myself awake and distracted.
Obviously, I will never be going to sleep again.