Have you ever loved someone so much it hurts?
Sometimes I don’t wanna look at you anymore, not because you’re an eye sore.. or ugly.. as a matter of fact you’re still as beautiful as the first time I lay my eyes off of you..
I don’t wanna look at you because the more I look at you the more I can see that you are slipping away.. even though we live together.. the distance between us is becoming more apparent.. the more I look in your eyes.. the more I see the coldness.. It’s becoming obvious that the person who promised me the worlds, the person who said can’t live life without me, the person who made me fall in love with him, the very man I married and the person I love is gone.
Sometimes I can’t remember why we fell in love in the first place.. 7 years next week is quite a while.. Considering we dived into this life full speed,, seven years is not bad right? Two kids, car, house..
I read your letter today.. 100 reasons why you love me.. the same letter you gave me in our first year.. I can remember the feeling that I had that day. Reading it today was different from what I’ve felt the first time.. It feels like it’s a letter for someone else, someone I don’t recognize. reading it the first time made me smile. this time it made me sad.
You know I’ve given everything for this relationship and I know you did too.. I don’t even have a life of my own now aside from being a mom, your wife and work. Probably the person I am now bore the hell out of you. I was no longer the fun and the easy go lucky girl you’ve known..
I also know that I don’t want to come to a point that whenever I hear a love song.. I no longer think of you. I still want you to be the first person I look for when I wake up in the morning.. Or the first person I want to call or talk to in every wins or losses.. or the person to make me feel safe and at home.
I don’t want you to be just a memory. a past.. someone I used to know.. someone I’ll forget.. just the father of my son.. I don’t want to come to a point that when ever I remember you it doesn’t make me smile anymore. or the thought of you passing by and not having the urge to just run to you and hug you tight. or have this feeling that the person I’m looking at can easily take my breath away or sweep me off my feet head over heels. I’m scared to wake up one day realizing that I don’t know you anymore.. nor do I know the person I’ve become..
I really thought you’ll be my forever and that you are the person I’m gonna grow old with… Growing old together might just be a dream that might never come true..
I know that when you walk away.. You’ll leave this big void of emptiness in my reality. I don’t know if I should try harder… I feel like you’re not happy with us anymore.. even though you say otherwise I can feel that what we have right now is slowly sucking all of your happiness away.. alive but not living.. I know that cause I feel the same way.. I know you love us and you don’t want a broken family too.. Am I overthinking? my suspicion may not be true. I hope to God it’s not true.
(English is not my first language soooo… sorry! just need to get this out)