It’s been a few weeks since it happened, and I haven’t really come to the full realization of what that day has made my life into. It’s a living hell or maybe it’s an empty husk of what it once was. I know that writing this story out will help me to get my thoughts out in a somewhat coherent way, so here’s to trauma and psychology practices. It happened back in August near the beginning of the month, it was dark out and I was riding my bicycle just to clear my head.
Things weren’t going so great at home and a breather was needed my mom had called me with an update on my dad’s treatments she said he might not make it; he might be gone by the end of this month. She also didn’t seem too well off either I tried to calm her, but she seemed almost in a daze throughout the whole phone call. I probably sounded like a desperate annoying mess trying to tell her to calm down especially when her husband of 25+ years is about to pass away. No, the man was not my blood-related dad, but he was still family in my eyes.
He did so much for me, more than my actual father has ever done I still held out hope for his recovery, but I wasn’t sure he’d make it. That’s what led me to the decision of a night bike ride, as I pedaled and felt the wind slapping against my face blowing my hair backward and shifting my hoodie from side to side. I felt slightly alive once again as though the world was not literally falling apart at my feet, I had a sudden bout of panic as I came back to reality and realized that I had no idea where I was. I looked around at a loss for how I even got to where I was, I heard no sounds it was very dark the only things making sounds were my own low jagged breaths, the tires of my bike, the light fixtures buzzing with electricity, and random garbage spread throughout the ground.
I stopped my pedaling and stood in place as I tried to gather where I was and approximately how far I had ridden from home. At least that was the plan, however, when I looked back at where I had just come from, I found A black void of darkness sitting there. It felt almost inky and alive is the best way to describe I got a spine-chilling feeling of being watched and I slowly began to ride to the only area where the light was, it was a hidden alleyway.
I got a burst of relief because if there was an alley then there must be stores close by which means a location marker probably is nearby for me to get back home before early morning hit. As I rode, I felt this hazy and relaxing mellowness fall over my head. I was getting tired is what I acquainted the feeling too, now I’m not so sure that’s what that feeling meant anymore. I found a road and sped down it once again enjoying the wind slapping me in the face.
There were so many big glaring red flags that somehow were not being picked up on by me and I have no idea how I didn’t realize sooner, but once I stopped on a street that is usually populated, I realized extremely fast. Where were all of the people? I looked around in amazement, then I continued on my merry way thinking it was nothing more than the nighttime making it less populated.
After that usually populated street, which was a semi-home stretch marker for me, I found a chicken place that had a golden horse statue in front of it which was another location marker for me. It meant I was close to my home. I rode until I passed the small bus station and got ready to carry my bike back up to my apartment. I carried it with heed and once it was over, I was so out of breath I lay down on the couch. At this point I was so tired I didn’t care about much else other than sleep, so I groggily made my way to my bed.
In the morning I woke up still feeling groggy but also this really warm hazy feeling, as though moving would literally be wasteful of my energy but I forced myself up. Though I didn’t want to get up I was pretty sure I was late for work because my alarm did not go off which meant I might’ve slept through it. I walked over to my bathroom and did my usual morning routine. Until finally I realized something was off just like last night where were the typical chaotic sounds of an urban cityscape. I heard no one yelling at anyone else about who had taken whose last breakfast Eggo, my roommate wasn’t listening to his god-awful country music on full volume, my dog wasn’t barking, I heard no cars, no horns, no trains, no buses, no singing, nothing. Where was everyone at? I ran to my window expecting the traffic to be piled, up and people to be walking or sitting in various places. I saw nothing there was no movement, not a soul in sight for miles. I once again was overcome with this anxious panicky feeling.
I ran back to my bathroom and looked at myself in the mirror my reflection stared back pale and sickly brown eyes stuck in shock and my messy bedhead hair falling all over. I ran some water and splashed it onto my face. The sense of puking was trying to make itself known but I kept pushing it back not wanting to ruin my breath, mostly for my sake.
I noticed my hands were shaking I slowly brought them up to rake through my hair. I walked backward and slowly slid down the back wall of the bathroom until I sat on the floor. So many emotions and thoughts were flying through my mind at dizzying speeds trying to process the situation that I now found myself in. Did the world end while I was sleeping or did it end last night while I was riding my bike, was I the last survivor of the human race, and if so, how? I was literally the bottom of the barrel when it came to strength and as far as everything else, I was what you would consider your average joe. Why was I still here? Maybe it was God he came and took all of the good people and now only the douchebags were left over and apparently, I was considered to be one of those douchebags.
Was I really THAT bad of a person I mean I’ve never stolen or killed which I think are probably the worst things you could ever do? I consider myself to be an alright person so why was I counted as one of the baddies? Maybe this was a punishment for something if so what and how should I reflect on it to get out of this situation? I dug the ends of my palms into the back of my eyelids, and I felt them watering why didn’t I go with the rest of the world? What did I do?
Then I heard something besides my own crying off in the far distance it sounded like music, I quickly wiped my eyes and ran back to my window I looked out of it searching for anything but once again nothing was moving, I didn’t even see birds flying. Everything looked so desolate, I could still hear the music off in the distance, so I grabbed my work bag for some reason and ran out of the apartment. I ran down the stairs and towards the ominous sound of the chiming music, I ran and ran as I got closer and realized it was ice cream truck music. There I found it laying in all its glory a white van with happy faces and a cutely decorated ice cream truck sitting there with the music playing as though someone was inside of it. I ran up to it and knocked on the side of the truck I heard no discrepancies from the music no movement in the truck I yelled but nothing happened.
A strange creeping feeling of being watched came over me once again I stopped and looked around me. I quickly ran over towards an alley and hid behind a dumpster watching the truck to see if anyone else heard it and will come out to check out the sound, then something terrifying and unimaginable happened the ice cream truck moved by a few centimeters, and then just as if I were inside of a game it glitched farther down the street music and all. I jumped back and fell onto the disgusting ground I started to feel a tiny heart attack taking place, I tried to breathe easily and controlled but no matter what I did it still came out ragged sounding.
I got up very slowly from the ground I looked at the truck still playing ominous music farther down the road, my heart was slowly coming back down from panic mode when I saw the form of a woman glitch in and out of reality, she looked like she would’ve been walking on the sidewalk towards me. I ran away as fast as I could with my stuffy breathing and jumping heart I didn’t stop until I found somewhere away from whatever I had just witnessed. I looked down to see I was standing on a very lightly veiled line I looked really closely and saw that it led to a doorknob of a restaurant just then I saw the line disappear and the door glitch open and then closed, this happened in what I would consider to be a blink of an eye.
I felt my heart jump into my throat again and I started running again I didn’t know where I was going anymore just away. Maybe if I found another city or town it wouldn’t be so terrifying maybe I could find actual people, a dog, a companion, anything. So, there you have it. I got freaked out and ran as far away from the crazy but what I didn’t realize is that the ‘crazy’ is everywhere I go. I haven’t found anyone, no animals, no fish. The only companions I have are plants, I can watch movies, and shows, and I can even stream shows but I feel like there is something huge here. I just don’t understand what it is. The food in the markets and even restaurants are restocked as though there are people here, but where are they? I sometimes see glitching figures of people walking, doors opening, music playing, and random things that make no predetermined sense.
Right now, I am in someone else’s home, but I have no idea where anyone is, I sleep, eat, and do everything I normally do everywhere now. The whole world is mines and I don’t want it to be, I want to see my dad before he passes if he hasn’t already, I want to hug my mom again. I wish and I can’t believe I’m saying this I could yell at my roommate for having his music up too loud again, I want to pet my puppy at least once again, I want my life back. I’m posting this in a random place in the world with no one else around for countries upon countries and I’m asking do you think if I keep walking, I will eventually find someone, or will I find the end of this hell and be released back into my world or should I stop here? Should I settle where I’m at and find companionship in the herbs and trees around me?