So apparently a fair whack of the population will experience sleep paralysis at least once in their lifetime. If that doesn’t apply to you, it’s like… you’re awake, but not. You can see, and hear and feel, but your body cannot move. Psychologists aren’t sure what the exact science that causes it is, but it’s meant to be something to do with REM sleep and transition between sleep stages. Many people think they see demons and more, and there is a sense of unrelenting pressure on your chest, on your body, that cannot be shifted.
I’m one of the few who don’t just get it, but get it regularly and on a recurring basis. Basically, if I get it once in a night, I will repeatedly get it until dawn. It is usually tied to reality, and I can go through the motions of an entire day before It appears and I realise I’m dreaming.
What is It, I hear you ask?
It is sometimes a figure standing by my bed.
It is sometimes a giant cat, that I cannot see, but I feel walking over my body.
It is sometimes a corpse, dragging itself to my face for a kiss.
It’s sometimes a winged demon chasing me.
It’s always terrifying. I’ve learned ways to snap myself out of it (don’t scream. Screaming only makes it worse). But I’ve survived this long so far. After all, it’s just my brain being a bit mad while I sleep, right? There are benefits too. I can, sometimes, do lucid dreaming. Do you know how wonderful it is to recognise that you are asleep and can literally fly? Can literally be whoever you want and go wherever you want? So, yeah… my sleep paralysis is a curse, but it brings blessings.
Except…
Except something strange is happening now. These last few times, I’ve struggled to wake up and when I have, I’ve had the weirdest marks on my body. I also find myself wrestling for control on the rare occasions I lucid dream. It used to feel free and fun, but there is something else in there now with me.
I said before that if I get it once in a night, I will forever be trapped in a loop, and that’s what’s been happening lately: I dream amazing, beautiful things, then I’m dragged down into chaos and pain and I scream and I scream, but no sound comes out. The loop feels infinite, but I eventually wake up and its just tomorrow.
My therapist says it’s work stress, but I think it’s something else. I’ve been hearing a voice lately. It used to be contained to my dreams, but now I hear it when I wake. And there’s something else. I’ve started sleepwalking.
The first time wasn’t too bad. I dreamed I was making eggs, and so my body made eggs. I woke up when my arm hit the hot stove top. A minor burn, but nothing to worry about.
Last week, I went further. I found myself outside my apartment, apparently banging on the neighbour’s door. I could tell they were freaked out, but they politely accepted my apology. Thank god they didn’t see the knife I’d been using to chop vegetables.
My neighbour was murdered last night. Domestic, the police said. Lover’s quarrel that got out of hand. She stabbed him while he slept.
Except…
Except my steak knife is missing. And I have a vague notion of not being asleep. And yet last night was the worst chest pain I’ve ever felt while experiencing sleep paralysis. I felt consumed.
I’m scared to sleep, now. I’ve double locked the door and put away all the cutlery, and I’m sure it was just stress, but there’s that voice in my head…
It’s fine, right? I’m probably fine.