I haven’t been sleeping.
The thing from the window came back last night.
I didn’t see it, but I could feel it there. Must have been just inches from my face, quiet and still. It likes that. It likes that I know it’s there and that I know it knows.
Do you know how that feels?
I know I’ll see it if I open my eyes. Then something bad will happen. I know. It’s hard not to picture that. So I lay there, and I think, don’t open your eyes, don’t open your eyes and I act like I’m asleep. I try to control my breathing. Try not to shake or cry or even make a noise. It won’t hurt me if I don’t see it or touch it. That’s its game. It’s waiting for me to mess up.
Sometimes I can almost feel it.
Do you know what I mean? I can picture it touching me. I can imagine the feeling if it grabs me and I know I’ll scream. How would you sleep if you had that? If you closed your eyes and you knew it’s right there? You could see it or it could touch you and there’s nothing you can do.
My brother saw it once.
We were kids and he was telling me to shut up about the noise. Tap. Tap. Tap. I said there’s something out there but I’m too scared to look. He gave me that cape from when he was Superman for Halloween and said it would keep me safe. I believed him. I even felt brave. Then the tapping stopped. He got close to the window and looked and then he screamed so loud it made all the neighbors dogs start barking. Dad checked outside with his gun and said there’s nothing out there, but my brother saw it. He must have seen it.
He was different after that.
I still hear the noise sometimes. Tap. Tap. Tap. I try to ignore it but I can’t. It won’t come in when it does that. As long as I don’t look. It just likes to make me flinch.
The dread is getting to me.
Last night while it watched me I thought, this is how I’m going to die. One night I’ll be lying there awake with my eyes closed knowing it’s there and it’ll be too much. I won’t be able to take it anymore. Maybe that’ll be tonight. And while I thought I felt a tear go down my face and I was so afraid. Does this count? Is that enough? Is this when it happens?
Nothing happened.
It must be so satisfied, seeing me like that. All afraid and alone. Knowing that it’s broken me. I didn’t move until I felt the sun on my face. I could tell it was gone then. I can always feel when it’s there. The fear, it’s automatic. Primal.
Part of me wants to give up. Just open my eyes and let it be over. At least then I would know what the thing that ruined me looks like. But I’m a coward. I can’t go through with it. I’m just too afraid.
I don’t expect I’ll sleep tonight.