(Cw for mentions of suicide and drug use.)
Ever since I was a young child I was extremely close with my neighbour, Ellie. We were inseparable. We’d always play together in and out of school.
Our favourite place to go was ‘butterfly fields.’ It was far less enticing than its name, I apologise for that. We both live high up in the mountains, and our garden lead into one of them.
So, whenever we went out to play, we’d climb out of our gardens and take the path up together.
It wasn’t far from home, our parents could still call us from the garden.
Our favourite spot was at the bottom of the cliff. There was a small hill, and around bottom of that hill a field, no larger than our small back gardens, which hosted some wild flowers, and butterflies would fly around too.
That’s how it got its name. The butterflies.
Looking back on these times make me nostalgic. As we grew older, our interests outgrew tag or hide and seek.
After we both turned 15, we drifted into different friend groups and contact slowly stopped. Me and Ellie, although, both started smoking weed around this time.
One night bumped into each other. We both planned to go to butterfly field to smoke, yet had no idea we’d end up going together.
We reconnected over a joint, it was really sweet catching up to somebody who was so important to my childhoods.
One thing I noticed instantly was that Ellie had changed into a completely different person. Whilst I had only stuck to weed, mostly for anxiety, Ellie was on a lot of different drugs- but mostly hallucinogenics.
Over a couple of weeks, the same thing would happen where we’d randomly meet up there by pure coincidence. Although, I can’t say I didn’t hope for her to be there each time I went out.
Eventually I got her number again and it was just like we never separated. We’d message each other all of the time. Through that time I got to see the kind of person Ellie was becoming.
One thing about Ellie that has never changed is the love for the world around her. Growing up she was always extremely curious about the world around her. Her fascination for, well, everything never faded away.
Ellie would send me videos of the bugs she’d find or bats flying about above her. Though, she’d always complain that the bats screeching was freaking her out.
I, at first, thought not much of it. It’s a random spot on a mountain, of course animals are going to be making noises. But one night Ellie recorded it, saying how it was really loud that night.
The screech wasn’t one I really heard much up there. It was high pitched and scratchy and from the voice note pretty loud too. So, I completely understand why it would annoy her. I was confused too- I never heard it before and I frequent the same spot.
This continued for about a month or so and I never heard a thing. But, whenever I’d smoke with Ellie, I’d hear it too.
It was an awful noise, and it was a lot louder than on the camera too. I could tell that it was far off in the distance, at least, but Ellie may have thought otherwise.
Whenever the animal screeched Ellie would freeze up in fear and looked around defensively. Her annoyance turned into pure fear pretty quick, which was confusing.
I didn’t know what to think, but I eventually chalked it up to be the consequences of her frequently taking hallucinogenic drugs. Sure, I’m not well educated on anything outside of weed, but I’m aware they can make someone paranoid if overused.
After a while, Ellie stopped going to that spot and opting to smoke lower down on the mountain. This seemed to work a lot at first. She had become her usual self.
Ellie opened up to me one night. She explained that after a particularly bad trip she decided she’d only stick to weed and get off of everything else. She explained the bad trip was just making her paranoid, which explained her behaviour.
Until one night, may the 1st exactly. We were having a smoke together and celebrating getting through another month alive. We were having a really nice time, stargazing and chatting about games we both like. Just the usual me and Ellie stuff.
At least that was the case … After fifteen or so minutes we heard a faint and scratchy screech in the distance. It took me by surprise as we hadn’t heard it at all in our new spot, but I laughed it off thinking Ellie would too.
I was so wrong. Ellie was frozen in fear. I was quick to reassure her it was ok and try to calm her down the best I could. I put on some music to drown it out andEllie eventually settled down and we went back to talking about whatever came to our minds.
Even so, Ellie still kept checking over her shoulder.
The next night Ellie went to smoke alone. She had a stressful day and just needed to relax a little. I couldn’t make it as I was sick so I told her to just text me the entire time, part of that was to be with her in spirit… but the other half was out of worry.
Like usual it started off well, until a sudden radio silence on her end. I summed it up to be a situation of her deciding to go inside so I went back to what I was doing.
Not even five minutes after i decide to settle in bed for the night, I get a a bunch of frantic texts from Ellie.
‘The screeching is back’ ‘I don’t like this’ ‘There’s something here’ ‘Fuck it heard me’
I instantly stopped everything I was doing and text her back.
‘Ellie are you there?’
There was no response
‘Ellie can you answer me?’
She replied with an image. It was with the flash on, and I could only see so far ahead. The picture was blurry and it seemed like Ellie had fallen as she was taking the image.
I could see a bit of her hand just about to hit the grass. I could see the scenery, she was behind a hill that was in the middle of butterfly field. But the most unusual thing about this picture was the bird like foot centimetres from Ellie’s hand.
I just froze. I couldn’t comprehend the situation.
I simply stared at my phone. I was too sick to move, let alone walk to find her in the chilly may nighttime. I can’t even wait a minute before texting her again.
‘Ellie are you safe? Call me if you are.’
Ellie read my message and gave me quick response.
‘I am safe now. I don’t know what the hell that was. It was like a huge bird. I tried to send you a photo but I couldn’t. I was too scared.’
As I read her text, an image comes through. It was a frenzied drawing of what appeared to be some sort of monster.
It was a crow some sort of large bird. She drew a stick figure next to it to show its size, and, well, large doesn’t really describe it well enough…
The bird had glowing read eyes and I believe it had teeth? I’m not sure if that’s true, like I said, it was a frenzied drawing. But, to me at least, the bird had very sharp teeth.
I could also see Ellie’s hand. A mixture of mud and blood coated her knuckles which were white from how tensely she was gripping her coloured pencil.
I send multiple messages begging Ellie to call me but to no response.
I stay awake all night still trying to assess the situation. I wanted to assume that she was back on acid and had a bad trip, but the bird foot in the image completely debunks my theory.
If she was just seeing things, why did it show up in that photo?
I kept messaging Ellie to try and call me or something. I could’ve told her family but I was worried that would get her into deep trouble.. I wish I did. I could’ve stopped this.
The next morning I managed to pull my sickly self out of bed to try and see Ellie. Sure, I saw her, but I wasn’t happy to see her.
I was face to face with my childhood best friend- or what was left of her being rushed into an ambulance by paramedics as her mother looked paler than a ghost.
I rush to comfort Ellie’s mother, to try and figure out what had happened.
I found out then that Ellie had attempted to take her own life. Sadly, she succeeded. It was by an overdose.
Her mother claims that Ellie got home that night sobbing her heart out and told her mother something sinister.
“I saw the devil himself, mammy, I was so scared, I’m scared.”
Those words I can never forget. I’m sure her family will never forget either.
Her mother explained that Ellie had assured her that she had only smoked some weed. Then they stayed together until her mother was too tired to stay up and fell asleep on the sofa right next to Ellie.
That’s when Ellie took a whole lot of sleeping pills and went up to draw what she saw until she fell asleep for good.
Six times.
She drew that drawing six times.
I only saw one drawing, the least detailed drawing. The one she sent me.
Until her mother allowed me to see the rest, that was. I wish I had left that curiosity follow me for a while, because what I saw will follow me for my entire life.
Ellie tried multiple ways to draw what she saw that night, even after she sent me that picture.
In some drawings, the crow could speak. In others, he had a snake like tongue. In all of them, he was a lot taller than her.
In one, the crow had a speech bubble saying “I am your saviour. I am you. I’m not god, but I could be.”
Ellie’s suicide was supposedly due to a psychotic episode.
But I have other questions. I’m sure you do too.
Ever since I’ve been seeking therapy and swore to never start taking acid. Sure, I never planned to, but now I really couldn’t bring myself to even consider it.
Sometimes I sit in our old spot to smoke and think about her. I would get a sense of dread and paranoia here, but my mind always goes to Ellie and the good times we had.
I’m writing this now because I’ve been smoking a lot more now to help me deal with losing Ellie.
I smoked so much that I started hearing the screeching. Everyday. Every single day.
There’s something about the screech that sends shivers down my spines. It sounds like some sort of distorted scream in the distance, and it’s equally as uncanny up close. I know why Ellie hates it- it’s horrible!
But… it follows too. Like when I went to my friends house party. We all went outside to smoke and I heard it. Nobody else did.
Anyway, last night I went up. I just needed to clear my head and what’s a better way to do that than kill your brain cells?
I was tense the whole time. I didn’t smoke half as much as I usually do because I just couldn’t relax and was getting eventually more and more nervous.
I got up to leave when I saw something move in the distance.
It wasn’t something you’d see on a mountain like this. Not a fox, or a rat, no. It was far too big, far too sinister. Far too awful.
I know just how Ellie felt when she first saw it.
I ran home. I wasn’t saying there any longer. I just could not. I was not letting the creature get to me.
I got home and shut myself away somewhere safe, cuddling my pillow like a terrified kid.
I haven’t gone out. I’m too scared.
I’m scared, and I don’t know how much longer I can stay cooped up in here.
I can’t go outside, you see. It still screeches even when I’m sober. My mother went away for a business trip, so I’m left alone. I have been ordering food constantly as I can’t go food shopping. I wasted the grocery money on take outs.
I can’t leave. I’m low on food. My house is full of rubbish I haven’t been able to take out. Everything stinks and flies are starting to appear.
Please, help me. I don’t want to do what Ellie did. I’m scared. I’m terrified.
It’s no god, it’s certainly not my god. That thing wants to pull me to the pits of hell…
I think that it will.