I wish I could have told him I loved him one last time. Watched him smile whilst he made us breakfast and sing out of tune along to the radio… I wish I could rewind time and do things so differently.
But as he laid growing cold in my arms, his hot blood dripping from my mouth and staining the front of his white cotton shirt, I felt a peace I have never felt before.
“you’ll always remember your first” I recalled Daddy’s words echoing in my head. He wasn’t wrong.
I pushed him off me and he slowly fell onto the floor. I stood, smoothing the front of my skirt and took a second to really look at him. He was laying with his eyes half closed, his skin now a strange shade of grey… He wasn’t in there anymore. The man I knew and loved was gone and I felt no emotion for his lifeless body.
I closed the heavy wooden door behind me as I left the bedroom, walking quietly down the stairs and across the hall to join the others in the lounge. They all turned to look at me as I entered, taking in the blood splattered across my dress and smeared around my lips, most of it still wet and sticky. I had made a conscious decision to not clean up before I headed back; I wanted them to see what I had done, what they had made me do. I wanted to feel seen.
Uncle Henry was the first to speak, breaking the silence that had fallen as I entered.
“Damn, girly! You sure have made a mess of yourself.” He chuckled, allowing the rest of the group to join in. A few scattered laughs and mutterings travelled around the room, echoing his sentiment.
“I did what had to be done, nothing more.” I stated matter-of-factly, trying to convey a confidence I didn’t quite feel anymore. The momentary peace I felt as his blood mingled with mine was quickly dissipating, leaving me feeling a little nauseous. As doubt began to creep in at the back of my mind, Henry laughed again.
“You sure did my girl and we are all very proud of you.” He walked toward me, placing a heavy arm around my shoulder and giving it a little squeeze. “Your Daddy knew the consequences of betrayal and he still acted out, he only has himself to blame. You did your duty.” He pressed a tumbler of brown liquid into my hand and encouraged me to drink. It burned as it trickled down my throat but I didn’t let it show. Today was the first day of my new life and I wasn’t going to start it by showing weakness.
In the centre of the room, Daddy was still bound and gagged to the heavy wooden chair where he had been for perhaps the past two hours. His eyes now bloodshot and tears were falling freely down his cheeks and soaking into the rag around his mouth.
I wondered in that moment if he would have cried the same tears for me. If it was me lying lifeless upstairs instead of my brother.