It’s only after losing my job and Mum’s accident that I’ve started to think falling in love with a guy who was so into the occult was maybe not the best idea.
I mean, it’s looking more and more like I’ve been hexed or something. I try not to worry about it and my friend Nina has often pointed out that if you believe you’re cursed you are cursed. I agree there’s something in that but then she’s the practical type and I’m not. Of course if I had been I’d never got involved with someone like Dale.
No – that’s not true. I only found out about his occult side after I’d fallen head over heels in love with him. Or is that what happened? Am I just deluding myself, now? Because I can’t deny I’ve always had a hankering after the paranormal myself. But for me, back then, it was just minor stuff like warning dreams and photos of ghosts that no-one had ever been able to explain away. Not the occult. Occult is really full-on. Mystical societies and ouija boards and Aleister Crowley. And I never realised how deeply Dale was involved until after I started staying over at his house and looking at all his books and stuff. Also he had this pentagram thing on the wall of his bedroom. I never could understand what it was all about but a pentagram can be good as well as bad and I assumed the former.
Anyway it was all just fun to begin with I thought, and I got pretty interested myself. I remember joking about how I could convert to being a witch or something. Of course I meant a white witch. Just bringing out my empathy with nature and tapping into feminine powers and all of that kind of thing. I certainly never meant the kind of witch that would go around making wicked spells or participating in black masses or anything like that. He said I should keep a cauldron in my bedroom and he would lend me this book about conjuring up genuine spells. I thought he was more joking than anything else but now I’m not so sure.
I don’t want to think about the stuff I did with him now. Oh, of course, it wasn’t depraved or anything – I mean sexual stuff, no worse than the kind of thing most teenagers get up to anyway. But I mean about the spells. I ended up actually doing all that shit. I thought he was kidding but looking back, I see how things had a way of happening to people he didn’t like. Bad things. And what terrifies me now is the thought that I had something to do with it. Totally innocent on my part, but I did it. I didn’t know he meant it for real, to actually hex people he didn’t like. I just went along with it for fun.
And I still can’t be sure. Nina would scoff like anything. Even what happened to Stevie, she just put that down to pure coincidence. I think it’s stretching it some to call that a coincidence – but still I suppose it might have been.
I must keep a hold of myself. Mustn’t let myself get carried away … but I can’t stop thinking and worrying about it all. This whole magic-mystic-occult thing.
And the worst of it is, I think now that he’s hexed me.
But he’s dead now isn’t he?
And why would he want to hex me? We were so close. I still miss him as much as ever. I really loved him. I still love him. I won’t ever stop.
What about on his side, though? Did he ever really love me?
Of course he did. Some guys are just in it for the sex (the majority of them, according to Nina) but not all of them. Not Dale. And I’ve never met anyone else like him. He was so different, so interesting. I loved all that about him. That wasn’t wrong. Couldn’t be.
And that’s why I couldn’t bear it when he took up with Madeline. Or when I thought he did.
I swear, I never meant anything to happen to him. I didn’t mean for anything to actually affect him. I was just mucking around, is all. I never really believed in that stuff. Not really. But the trouble is – he did. I can see that now.
Oh, I must stop thinking like this. It’s so not healthy. I don’t want to go crazy do I? And maybe it’s not healthy to be so into a dead guy. Maybe I should just try and forget him. But that’s impossible.
Most of all, I mustn’t think that he’s getting his back on me. That’s crazy. I definitely mustn’t think he’s getting his revenge on me from beyond the grave. That is just insane. This isn’t some crappy horror movie. This is real life – right?
Shit, I get so confused. Or is my imagination running away with me again?
All I know is this: we were together for nearly three years, and we loved each other. He died but I still care for him. And I’ll see him again. He’s out there somewhere waiting for me…
That’s what scares me.