Let me begin by saying that my neighbor is home. I knocked on his door and he came to the adjacent window and stared at me. No words. No wave of his hand. Not even a middle finger. Just stared at me until I gave up and left.
Now, the reason why I knocked on his door…
His fucking dog has been digging a hole in his backyard for two days straight!
Nonstop.
Forty-eight hours of digging.
And, my god, the hole has gotten deep. I peeked inside earlier, thinking I might see the dog floating in a pool of murky water. I mean, he’s got to hit water at some point, right? But no. He was steadily kicking up dirt, going deeper and deeper. By my estimate, I’d say he’s about five-hundred feet down by now. Not kidding. Which, let’s be honest, is an impressive depth to reach in only two days. Especially considering he’s a small dog. Some sort of terrier or whatever.
I know, I know… I should get the fire department out here and have them rescue the little guy before he ends up in China, or worse, his heart explodes (is that worse than China? I don’t know. Maybe not for a dog). But, I’ve got to be honest, I’m mesmerized by the whole thing. I’ve never seen a hole this deep. I’ve never seen a dog dig this continuously. I’ve never… I just… what the fuck, you know? I feel like I’m dreaming.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not heartless. I do worry about the pup. I’ve been dropping milk-bones into the hole every few hours in case he’s hungry. I’ve also been drizzling some water from the garden hose down there to cool him off. Not enough to drown him or anything like that. Although, I’m not even sure it’s reaching him. He’s that deep.
My neighbor hasn’t come outside to check on him. Hasn’t left the house in two days. Which is strange for him. He’s usually very social. Walks the dog every evening.
The other neighbors noticed the change in his routine as well. You know how neighbors notice stuff and then they have to let you know that they noticed? Especially Linda. She notices everything.
“Oh, Christopher,” she hollered from her driveway as I climbed out of my car with a grocery bag full of dog treats. For the record, I go by Chris, if I can help it. Despite my insistence, Linda still chooses to call me by my full name. Each syllable more stressed than the last. “Have you seen Zachary lately? He hasn’t walked the dog in two days and I’m starting to worry.”
Linda has a voice like a tornado alarm. Loud and grating. Makes me want to take shelter underground.
“He’s inside,” I said.
“Are you sure?”
“Yeah, I saw him.”
“Really?”
“Yep.”
“Why hasn’t he come outside?”
“Don’t know.”
“Is he sick?”
“Maybe.”
“What about the dog?”
I paused. If Linda found out what the dog was up to, she’d surely call 9-1-1. A firefighter would repel into the hole, grab the dog, and probably end up on Inside Edition with footage of him being hoisted from the hole with the terrier held safely in his arms, furry little legs steadily treading air.
Bleh.
Let the dog dig. See how deep he can go. He’s clearly possessed by the spirit of an excavator or something.
Or a demon.
Wait… is he digging to Hell?
Shit.
Anyways, I didn’t tell Linda about the dog. At least not the truth. Told her he was on a farm with a bunch of other dogs, which I admit, wasn’t the greatest lie. Kind of makes it sound like the dog died.
But, check this out…
After I left Linda and went inside, I grabbed the box of treats and headed to the backyard, and standing in my neighbor’s yard, looking down into the hole, were three pale bald men in black business suits. As I stepped out the door, their eyes promptly shot in my direction and I could see that none of them had any eyebrows or facial hair whatsoever. Dolphin smooth. Then just as soon as they noticed me, they turned around and hightailed it into the woods.
Freaky, right?
After a minute or two, I hesitantly creeped over to the hole and saw that the dog was still digging, so I dropped him a handful of milk-bones and hurried home, having officially become paranoid by the thought of bald businessmen eyeing me from the woods.
There’s got to be some sort of correlation between the dog’s endless digging, my neighbor’s newfound reclusiveness, and the trio of creepy bald men.
But what?
I’m going to monitor the situation for the next couple of days. See what comes of it.