The sun rose over a trailer on the edge of a farm in the Netherlands. It was small, but fashionably expensive looking. I laid in the bed as still I could. I had woken up with a not-so-insignificant amount of dread.
“Ding!” Not a single muscle twitched at the notification’s sound. It was unfamiliar. It wasn’t the email ding. It wasn’t the news ding. It was probably the messenger ding. Who would message me there? No one that I could think of. Who would message me at all? No one that I could think of.
The curiosity took over. I reached over the edge of the bed and slapped my hand around until it found the cool edge of the screen. My year-long backpacking trip was coming to an end, and it was Taylor that I had met at the start in New Zealand. More curious, I opened it up. “Hey Lee! I hope everything is going great. I hope you have fun in Europe!”
I hadn’t expected to ever hear from her again. We didn’t part on good terms. I re-read the message to extract any subtle meaning from her word choice.
“Ding!” Another notification interrupts while re-reading the message. The box drops down from the top of the screen to show “Dave: Waddup! I hope you have fun in Europe”. Confused, I stared blankly at the message until it disappears. My phone has had service since I had heard my email notifications earlier. I met Dave in Vietnam 6 months after Taylor. I don’t think they would know each other.
“Ding!” While considering the possibilities, another notification appears. It was from Katie that I met in Sydney. Another well-wishing for Europe. Before the notification disappears, “Ding!”, “Ding!”, “Ding!”. The boxes layered on top of each other and disappeared one by one revealing the same message over and over again from more strangers met in passing on my trip.
Overwhelmed by confusion, I dropped my phone over the edge of the bed. I laid still again, but I was awake now. “Is this what it’s like to be loved?” I said out loud to myself and laughed harder than I should have. I need to find a better way top cope. I picked up my phone and checked the notifications again. I rarely get messages. Making friends is not my strength. Towards the end of my time with these people, I wouldn’t describe their vibe as friendly towards me.
4 emails and two messages received. All saying the same thing within a 1 minute window. The timestamps all reflected that window, so the phone didn’t suddenly gain service. We didn’t take pictures together. I don’t have any social media that they could connect with each other on. It doesn’t make sense.
In fact, while in Sydney with Katie, I was interviewing for a job and excited about it. She moved onto Indonesia before I was done with the interviews. I had mentioned that I could go on, but it felt off.
I gave up on the puzzle and put the phone down.
Today was the day that I planned to get more serious. The trip had been fun. Unforgettably fun. I needed to work on settling into a new life in San Francisco. Resumes. Studying. Job interviews. Today, I headed to Germany for the last leg of my tour, then a long layover in London, and then it would be over.
Thinking about it, I felt more dread. I opened reddit for a distraction. I saw a cat picture that made me smile. I skipped an apocalyptic political article and a police shooting another innocent black man. The next link said “Young Man Enters Home and Stabs 3 People to death”. I opened it up. A self-described incel killed 3 sorority girls. He was angry about being lonely.
I laughed out loud at the insanity. I could never understand people like that. Throwing their life away and other’s lives as well. You can always just walk away. Better yourself. Give up on romance and indulge in good food, books, video games, and anything else that makes you happy. Being dead is pointless. I re-read the article while giggling at the absurdity and stupidity. It sounded fake with how everything lined up with a dark corner of the internet’s reality.
“Ding!”. Another message from Dave, “Hahahahahahahah”. I paused. A feeling of insecurity washes over me. I was laughing at an article detailing how 4 people died in a violent mass murder. I rationalized that it was another bad coping mechanism. In my past, I have had many people mock me for being a school shooter and/or serial killer, but I was just awkward and bad at social situations. The coping mechanism used humor as a way to separate myself from what people have accused me of. I didn’t endorse the violence. I laughed at the insanity of their reasoning not at the death or pain of others.
I wasn’t going to post a comment, but even as a hardcore lurker, I felt like I should explain myself. Explain myself to who? I looked at the timestamps. 15 minutes since his last message. The connection between well wishing and his laughter was not immediately obvious to me. The creeps that I felt prevented me from messaging him.
In the last moments with Dave outside the hostel, I was heading to do a hike on a dangerous trail in Vietnam. It was beautiful, but also covered in landmines and remnants of agent orange. He was saying goodbye in a tone that was more patronizing than sincere. He “hoped” that I didn’t die. He “hoped” that I would be safe. He “hoped” that I made it back in one complete piece. The more unnecessary hope that he had left me with more unease and certainty that there was more to his comments than “hope”.
I laid in bed and mulled the possibilities. As a software engineer, I felt confident that it wasn’t a network anomaly. It could be a lottery winning coincidence, but I hoped that I could win a cooler lottery than this. The mind wandered further.
A memory came up that I liked to keep as repressed as possible. A memory of my controlling and manipulative ex-girlfriend from college. She was angry. We were fighting, and she was upset again at some minor disrespect that had snowballed into a huge issue from how I responded. She was out for blood and had been insulting me in anyway she could. My voice. My hobbies. My opinions. My history. Insulting anything and everything that she could say. I had been reacting with a stonewall of silence in order to not provoke her further.
She started bragging that her family had deep connections to the Secret Service. I hear her words again as clear as day “Anywhere you go, I will find you. When you are happy, I’ll be right there. When you fall in love, I will be there. You will never be free. You don’t deserve happiness, and I will make sure that you never get it.”
I closed my eyes and rubbed my face. It was too early in the morning for this. I had a new life to start in San Francisco. I need to get to work.