I work at one of those boring office jobs where you can browse reddit for 6 hours of the day and complete the actual work for the other 2, combined with the fact our manager is a 70-year old man, me and my co-workers are quite a bit closer than one might usually expect, Gretchen even compares us to the office sometimes.
Usually someone is designated to put in the lunch order and go collect it- We rotate between the closest food places around us but this week the new intern Brian recommended us a new place that just opened up, and wanting to help invite him in we all agreed to order from there, provided Brian is the one to collect it so no one gets lost or confused.
I tried looking it up online but I think it was local only and hadn’t set up a website yet so I couldn’t find a menu, so when Brian came over and asked me what I wanted from there I told him to surprise me, he only smirked as a response as he walked away. I went back to playing minesweeper (it’s hard to find games that aren’t loud, don’t make fun of it)
And then it came, the glorious lunch time! I went in to the table of food and asked around to find out where mine is- turns out, Brian didn’t get me anything, the lousy bastard must’ve thought nothing would be a good surprise, I managed to beg for scraps off other people but it tasted….off, like chicken reheated more than once or milk on the cusp of going bad, I just resigned it to a bad joke and would try get him back next lunch order.
How I wish that was the case.
I went home and immediately went to doordash some proper food- I got more than what I needed because I felt so hungry but I absolutely demolished my moo shu pork and I even ate the fortune cookies that came with them.
Usually the paper inside says something basic like “It’s your lucky day!” or “Your lucky numbers are 42 13 8”. That’s why “You’re in for a big surprise!” threw me back, I guess it’s generic enough to get the stamp of approval but today of all days? It’s got me spooked…
That’s when my doordasher came- I know what you’re thinking, I already had the food. and I did, and I met with someone else, paid them, the whole nine yards, but this was my actual doordash delivery- I confirmed it on the app, the poor guy was so confused when I kicked up a fuss, maybe that was the surprise? It wasn’t that fun, I’m out an extra 20 bucks cause of it, but again, I gave him a pass because he’s new and young and just might’ve thought it’d be a good joke.
When I went back, I noticed my noodles were gone, I know you might be thinking I’m just losing it but I fucking know they were there. I called out to him saying this went too far but that’s when I noticed a trial of…sauce, he probably saw me coming and got sloppy so I decided to follow it- I know, horror movie idiot 101.
I followed it up my stairs, getting extremely pissed off at this point…that’s when I heard this chewing- at first I thought it was the noodles but it had the unmistakable sound of meat being eaten, I could feel my chest getting tighter and my breathe started being a little too loud for my liking- I could locate the noise to a closet in the hallway, I hesitantly approached and…..
Nothing.
It was just as I had left it, I almost chalked it up to my mind playing tricks on me and chastised myself for getting freaked out over a fortune cookie- and then a drop hit my head. A drop I recognized immediately as blood, my chest was concaving in at this point and I almost had to use my arm to force my head to look up, but I managed it, and I saw Brian on the ceiling, pushing himself onto either end of the wall to stay up, I could tell he ate my noodles due to them being stuck on the sides of his cheek, but the noodles had ran out long ago and he was still chewing. I could only one thing before I got the fuck out of there.
“Surprise.”
As soon as I ran out of the closet I heard a thud on the ground behind me as he started maniacally laughing, I was sure blood got caught in his throat as it had a gurgle mixed in with it, while I still tried to run down the stairs as fast as I could I was careful not to fall- but I turned my head to see Brian throw himself down it in an effort to catch up to me, no fucking human would survive the way his arms and legs twisted themselves but still he rose up, I had to leave the house- get into public and maybe he’d end this weird fucking game he made for us, and I opened the door.
The doordash driver. He was still parked in front of the house, seemingly on his phone to his bosses, I felt a pang of guilt for how I treated him when he got here, but I could dwell on that later, I shouted at him to drive like hell as I forced myself into his back seat, he almost started yelling but then Brian came out of my door, his bones were sticking out of his skin at this point, and he was decidedly not leaving a trail of sauce anymore- he wasn’t laughing anymore, but I could still see the blood coming out of his mouth bubbling, the driver hit the gas.
Do you know what the speed a human can go at? Well it’s not as fast as the top speed of a Brian. He seemingly was right behind the car not matter how much the gas was pushed- almost like he was taunting me. I know he could’ve caught me in that chase….so why didn’t he? I pondered this for a quick second- the second, of course, where Brian is no longer behind the car, as he is now on top and reaching his hand in through a smashed window. His arm seems longer, like it’s out of place and the only thing keeping it attached in elastic skin.
I scream, the driver screams, Brian laughs. The car crashes.
I’m writing this to you from the hospital- The doctors told me that I’ve been in a coma for the last three weeks, I don’t think they believe me when I said Brian tried to kill me, I’ve heard them and the police talking, they believe we were riding in the back of the doordashes car because of me getting two orders, I don’t think they believe themselves either, because Brians body was never found, and sometimes I still hear the sound of flesh being chewed by it’s owners teeth.
I just hope he’s satisfied that I’m surprised enough.