Let me begin this tale with a simple yet complex question: Have you ever felt like… a walking corpse?
I once knew someone who constantly experienced that sensation. He didn’t stand out for his intelligence, but he also didn’t live in ignorance; rather, he was painfully average. However, what set him apart was his complete apathy towards… everything and everyone. Nothing mattered to him; he showed no interest in anything or anyone. He harbored no hatred towards the world; he was beyond that. He didn’t strive to excel in anything, and what was curious was that he didn’t care at all. He lacked dreams, aspirations, and didn’t even have the ability to admire anyone. No one knew how to deal with him; his parents blamed themselves for not raising someone with future goals, while his friends simply labeled him as lazy.
“It’s just a phase,” they said. “It will pass eventually,” “at some point, something should matter to him.” The reality was that he was afraid of doing something new, of trying something different because he feared failure. He was afraid people would mock him. “What if I try and fail?” he wondered. He wanted to be someone, but he was too busy thinking about who he wanted to be. He wanted to meet new people, but, as expected, he feared rejection. “What if they laugh at me?” He always had a reason not to try. He was very comfortable in his comfort zone; if he didn’t move, nothing bad could happen to him. If he didn’t approach danger, he would never get hurt.
He was a young man with plenty of time. Surely, the perfect opportunity would come at some point. So he waited… and waited… and waited. The truth is that the opportunity of his life never came; he had been waiting his whole life for his moment, but it wasn’t going to happen. His life slipped away like sand through his fingers, but he didn’t notice; he was blinded by apathy.
One day, he opened his eyes and realized he was an older man. He had a miserable job he hated, barely making enough money to survive as he lived in squalor. He never married or had children. His previous partner loved him, but she knew there was no future with him. He was nobody, less than nobody. His life was not even a shadow of what it could have been, and he knew it. He couldn’t lament his shattered dreams because there were no dreams in the first place; he simply chose not to live.
But one day, he grew tired of it all. Do you know what he did, reader? He saved money. He bought a gun. And he shot himself in the temple, inside his room. He wasn’t afraid to die; he was already dead. He had died long ago, although he wasn’t sure when. He was a walking corpse, and all he did was finish the job he started many years ago.
After a few days, neighbors reported the stench to the authorities. There wasn’t much to investigate, a simple case of suicide. They buried him in a common grave. No one came to see him. No one remembered him; there was no reason to. Oh, but don’t feel sorry for him, reader. He chose this.
He woke up every morning, choosing not to live. He waited his whole life for someone to let him know it was time to live. He thought that at some point, a magical door would appear in front of him with a giant neon sign that said, “WELCOME TO THE FIRST DAY OF YOUR LIFE!” But that never happened; he made the decision to end his life long before buying that gun. Every time he chose not to do something, he ended his life. But this time, it was final.
Want to hear something funny, reader? Suicide was the only thing he had the courage to do. Do you know why? Because he knew exactly what would happen next; he lived his whole life in uncertainty. A fog that didn’t let him see, but he didn’t have the balls to walk through it. He just sat there, while the fog consumed him more and more until he couldn’t see his hands. But one thing was always certain; he was going to die; that’s always certain. Why not save the trouble and do it once and for all?