There are few jobs as thankless as that of the mortician. I mean, no one likes to think of the fact that one day, inevitably, all of us will end up on the slab, wearing a toe tag. It’s a fact of life. Jim Averies, Morgue worker, at your service. I run things in the morgue of a town named Pleasantville, located in Borne County. Borne is an odd place to say the least. Seems like every other day, there’s a new sighting of a UFO, or Bigfoot. Now I personally don’t believe in those things, BUT there is definitely something strange in the air of Borne County. Take the latest person wheeled into my place of business.
A John Doe, about 5’10, around 205 pounds, more or less. His face was completely gone. Not just his skin, the muscle, tendons, all of that, just gone. I suppose it could’ve been wild animals, if not for the fact that, minus some minor scrapes and bruises, the rest of him was in relatively good condition. The weirdest part though? His organs just weren’t there. Not ripped out mind you, or even removed surgically, it’s like they were never there to begin with. His Eyes were also still present within his sockets, despite there being nothing else. Police told me they tried to use fingerprints, dental records, and hair samples to figure out who he is, or I guess, was. No dice.
I was so taken aback by the lack of organs, I somehow failed to notice at first that his blood wasn’t right either. It wasn’t a different color, the normal red. What was weird was it was neon red. As in it glowed. So as I eat my tuna salad sandwich and type this up, he’s still sitting on my autopsy table. Suppose I should stitch him up soon. Wonder how the police are gonna explain the face thing. Wonder what I’ll eat for dinner tonight. Sushi maybe? If you’re wondering how I can think of food, or even eat, while a faceless corpse stares at me, well when you’ve done this job for so many years, you kinda become indifferent to it all. At the end of the day, it’s just another day at the office, When I first started though? Yeah no, I wouldn’t have been able to eat after this. Well, on to the next stiff.
James Hallinger, Aged 89. He was found dead by his son this morning. Judging from the decomposition on the body, I’d say his son was a week or so late. The best I can guess, he had a heart attack. Or at least, I think so. A week rotting in an old armchair kinda makes that fuzzy. I actually knew James, vaguely. He was quiet, kept to himself, always trimming those hedges of his. I didn’t even know he had a son if I’m being completely honest. A fairly unremarkable body.
Well, until I turned my back on him. I turned back around, and I swear I almost joined him on that slab. His facial expression had changed to a wide grinned, maggot infested eyes open wide now. I blinked (blunk?) and it was normal again. Fuckin’ Borne County. Yes, I blame that specifically on Borne County. Like I said, it’s a weird place. Anyway, after carefully making sure I hadn’t shat myself, I began the autopsy. Won’t go into details on it, as it wasn’t anything special.
During Jim’s autopsy, I heard a knocking from inside the freezer containing John Doe. I sighed in annoyance, turning my head.
‘Another Zombie?’ I thought, as I approached the now rattling cabinet, scalpel in hand. Slowly, I pulled the freezer open, bracing myself for a fight. But John was as still as ever. Sliding it shut, I turned to return to my previous task. Except our good friend James was now absent from the autopsy table.
Fuck.
Walking into my nearby office, I removed a key off a hook on the wall. I unlocked the bottom drawer of my desk, and grabbed the 9mm handgun I kept in the drawer (You’d be surprised how often people break in to the morgue. Well, THIS morgue.)
I made sure it was loaded, and walked back into the main area where I did my job.
‘Now if I was the re-animated corpse of an 89 year old man, where would I be?’ I thought to myself, flicking on the lights in the room (I like to work in the dark ok?) And still didn’t see him. Either he was fast as fuck, or a world champion at Hide and Seek.
“James? Buddy? I know you can hear me.” I said, keeping my weapon ready. I don’t know why I was talking to him. He wasn’t James anymore. Then I felt something hit my shoulder. It was a drop of blood. I looked up, and staring back at me was the opened up naked corpse of James Hallinger.
“Oh fuck me.”
The ghoul fell from the ceiling, seemingly having to clung to it for the express intent of doing a Looney Tunes gag. It began clawing at my face, and my gun slid across the floor when he hit me. Luckily, being a rotting corpse, he wasn’t that strong, so I shoved him off. Unfortunately he was now between me and my gun. Thinking quickly, I grabbed that scalpel I mentioned earlier off of my tool tray near the autopsy table.
He studied me carefully, as best he could anyway through maggot ridden eyes. When he finally charged me, I drove the scalpel into his eye, and he dropped dead. Well, dead-er I guess. I need a drink. Or twelve.
I grabbed the corpse off the floor, fucker was heavier than he looks. I ripped the scalpel out his eye, and dug the now crushed pack of cigarettes out of my shirt pocket. Is it unsanitary to smoke in a morgue? Maybe, but eh. Whatever doesn’t kill ya right?
My shift was nearly over anyway. I cleaned up the blood and bits of innards of the floor as best as I could before closing up shop. I made sure Jim was locked up tight, same with our John Doe before I did.
As I exited the building, I noticed Sheriff Parker waiting by my truck. “Jim, have a min- Woah! What happened to you?”
I shrugged “Not important. What’s up?”
“It’s about our John Doe. We think we know who he is.” I raised an eyebrow “Well that’s nice and all Sheriff, but why are you telling me?”
“Well. The DNA, we got a match. In fact, it’s a perfect match.”
He handed over a paper, a report on the DNA match. The name of our John Doe, according to his DNA?
James Averies.
I grabbed my temple, and let out a sigh.
Fucking Borne County.