Hey everyone, it’s me, The Archivist again. If you’re wondering why I haven’t posted in a few months, it’s because I was stuck in some kind of space-time anomaly and I had a chat with a cat that is also a god somehow.
So basically just another average day in the Archive.
The space-time anomaly was just as distressing as you would expect it to be. One second I’m sitting at my desk scrolling through Reddit and the next a giant glowing portal appears in the middle of the room and sucks me into an alternate dimension of pure white.
And by pure white, I mean PURE white. Like there was no other colour anywhere other than white. I was still my normal colour and wearing a black suit, but everything else was white. The floor was made of pure white material, that was pulsing and bulging in random places. I was confused as to how I got here and when I looked back, the portal wasn’t there. I decided to do what I always do. Start walking. While I was walking, I noticed that I kept tripping over the glowing white landscape. I tripped over a rock, but when I looked down, I threw up.
The floor was made of human bodies. The rock was a hand.
The entire floor was made of a mass of writhing pure white humans. And they were alive.
The humans were moaning, begging to be let free, and trying to drag me into the floor to suffer with them. But they weren’t strong enough, and I started running. The hands were trying to grab my shoes, they were screaming to be let out, and out of nowhere, the ground gave way and I was tumbling. I fell into a deep hole, and when I landed, I probably should have broken every bone in my body and died, but that didn’t happen. The walls started coming closer, trying to absorb me into their mass, and eventually, the light was the only thing there was. Seconds before I was absorbed into the mass, every one of the bodies around me spontaneously disappeared. And then the cat appeared.
“Looks like you were in some trouble,” The cat said
I just sat there and gaped.
“This is a very common reaction to seeing me, it’s not every day you see a talking cat”
“How?”
“What do you mean how. I’m a cat, and I talk, it’s not too complicated.”
The bodies were closing in again, wailing louder and louder.
“Pity what those men of science on Elthra are up to, those idiots think they’re sending people to an endless reservoir of knowledge, but they’re just dooming all these poor souls to a very tortured eternal existence.”
“Can you help them?” I asked
“Not really, the ones who were about to kill you I just transported right back into the labs where they came from. Those scientists are gonna get one hell of a shock” It chuckled. “But YOU need a way to get out of here, and I need a favour, so let’s make a deal shall we?”
“What kind of deal?”
” I can get you back to the Archive, and in return, I need to access your computer for 2 minutes.”
“I mean I don’t have much of a choice, so sure”
And then I was sitting at my desk again.
“Amazing, now the computer please.” The Cat floated over and began furiously typing.
“While you’re doing that, what exactly are you?” I asked.
“I’m a cat. And also God.”
“Wait THE god? Capital G?”
“Well there is no THE god, that I’m aware of, but I am one of the billions of gods that inhabit the cosmos” It hissed “Damn it.”
“What happened?” I asked
“Management happened,” the Cat said. “Oh well I tried”
And then the cat proceeded to violently explode into tiny pieces.
The computer screen lit up
Please refrain from giving access to the computer to anyone other than yourself
-Management
But seconds later, the cat reappeared and rubbed its eyes with its paws.
“That Anti-virus sure is powerful,” It said
“HOW THE FUCK ARE YOU ALIVE”
“I told you, I’m a GOD, the anti-virus just temporarily dissociated my atoms and threw me into a black hole, but I ate the black hole and put myself back together”
“What were you doing on the computer?”
It chuckled
“Wouldn’t you like to know?”
And then it poofed out of existence.
I checked the clock on the watch and voila, the half an hour I spent inside the literal living nightmare had turned into a few months in earth time, which is why I’ve been absent for such a long time.
On a separate note, I checked up on those scientists from Elthra the cat mentioned, and I found some mildly disturbing research logs.
--START OF LOG–
RESEARCH LOG - 423
Day 423 of trying to open the portal to the reservoir of knowledge. The portal opened without fuss, and Subjects 842,843,844 and 845 were forced into it. The camera feed and audio feed lasted 8 seconds before disconnecting. The only footage recorded was screaming and the same glowing white landscape.
Failure.
RESEARCH LOG-637
Day 637 of attempting to open the portal. Dr Carter is losing his mind. We adjusted the sensitivity to 423, but we keep opening the portal into that glowing white realm between dimensions. Carter threw a researcher into the portal in anger, and when someone protested, he said that when they found the so-called “Archive” they would find out how to bring him back anyway.
RESEARCH LOG-896
Dr Carter went mad. He opened the portal in the middle of the night and threw himself in. We have a new head researcher named Xavier, and he swears he’ll find a way to get to the Archive.
RESEARCH LOG- 996
I can’t take it any more. This is my last log. We’ve sent thousands of people to their deaths. All for some fantasyland that is as real as ALICE’S FUCKING WONDERLAND. I’m done.
RESEARCH LOG- 1000
Since the death of my predecessor, we have made huge leaps in our portal technology. Dr Xavier bought in some new weird tech, and we managed to open a stable portal that didn’t lead to the glowing realm. We didn’t have time to send anyone in, because someone on the other end got sucked in and the portal closed itself.
RESEARCH LOG - 1324
We’re so close, I can feel it, the portal is so close to perfect, and Dr Xavier can lead us to this haven of knowledge and WE CAN BE FREE FROM OUR MORTAL BONDS PRAISE DR XAVIER PRAISE DR XAVIER…..
(Squelching sounds)
--END OF LOG–
So now this weird scientist group is coming scarily close to entering the Archive, and I don’t know how I’m supposed to stop that from happening. This Dr Xavier is definitely not just some normal guy, and I hope he suffocated when the Cat teleported those “humans” into the lab, but there have been no more logs, so I can hope.
That’s all the time I have today, and I’m going to have some hot chocolate and then sleep, so see you all later (unless I get trapped in another space-time anomaly)
-The Archivist