So this is a little long and I’m sorry for that. I truly am, but the powers that be recently gave me permission to share my tales so… here we go. I know the stories I am about to share may seem impossible they are true. All of them.My story, and in turn my life really started the day I died. Up until then I hadn’t really done much of anything with my life. Nothing really important anyways. But that day in particular I woke up very, very confused, and suddenly standing on what looked like the ambassador bridge. Like I was just out of nowhere on a bridge halfway between Detroit and Windsor. I didn’t know how I got here or what was going on so I immediately attempted to remedy the situation by shouting and screaming like a banshee in heat.
“What the fuck!! Omg how did I get here?” I blubbered. It was blank. Like someone took an eraser to my memories and now there were just missing spots. How I got here was one of those. The last thing I remember was getting into my car to go to the dispensary to get a bag of weed. Really good weed by the way. But that’s the thing. I don’t drink or do hard drugs. Ever! Ime and my best friend Kylie only ever smoked weed. A lot of times with my hippie mother. I remember getting our sundries for our weekly Netflix Marathon with my Mom. I remember her asking me and Kylie to stop at Home Depot and pick her up some pain brushes for a project she was working on. My Mom was actually a pretty successful local artist. She was really good at what she did and I was always proud of not a little envious. Not that I was jealous just….I never had the focus or talent she did. But she was amazing and kind and no one ever had a bad word to say about her me included. She was my Rock, Kylie’s too Kylie lived with us all though highschool and college because her parents were methheads and my Mom fought for custody once they almost blew up there house awith Kylie in it when we were 7. You guessed they were making a methlab give yourself a cookie because you’d be absolutely right! So that day forward Kylie was ours. Through the years nothing has ever changed our bond.
pulling into Home Depot is the last memory I have, then nothing and now here I am. On a goddamn suspension bridge between the US and Canadian border!! I started to panic. No, no panic doesn’t adequately describe what I was doing. I was full fledged freaking the fuck out, and believe me you would too! Just as I was about the completely lose my shit, A small, black haired, dark skinned man appeared next to me “Breath Madison breath. It’s ok. My name’s Rhys. And I promise you’re gonna be ok”. I screamed and backed away because what the fuck? He literally appeared out of nowhere. How was this supposed to “calm me”? I realized I wasn’t breathing. Something was tickling the back of my brain like a worm borrowing an idea that I didn’t want to have. I felt weird. Everything felt weird. I gulped out of fear and habit instead of necessity. Why didn’t I need to swallow anymore? Why have I been holding my breath yet feel no urge to breathe? Ugly ideas burrowing. Things I needed to face yet didn’t want to. Oh how I didn’t want to.
”What happened? Where am I?” I was dense sometimes but never stupid. There was a quiet in my body. No breathe, no heartbeat just silence. I didn’t want to know the answer that was right there in front of my face. Little idea worm trying to get me to face what I just couldn’t bring myself to do.
I was terrified and so my heart should’ve been going a mile a minute, there was no wild thumping in my chest. Like I said dense but never stupid. My body was dead silent. You don’t realize how loud your body is until it is silenced. It’s brings with it a quiet terror that sits in your very soul. I knew, but saying the words out loud was another thing. It made it real. I didn’t want this to be real. Rhys looked at me in a way that said he was waiting for me to figure it out. “What do you think happened Madison?”
Instead of answering calmly with the fact that I was pretty sure I was dead I just started keen up at the sky in a way that wasn’t at all over dramatic before spitting out my worst fear brought to life “Im dead aren’t I? Oh God I have to be dead. My body is SO quiet. Oh no what about my Mom and my Dog” I choked “I have so much I was gonna do-Im so young practically a baby!” I sobbed.
”you’re 38!” He said starting to look bored. “As in 2 years til 40!”
“I know” I wailed “I’m a baby” a baby that doesn’t know sarcasm when she hears it!
“Little guardian angel I had so much more to do!” He snapped his fingers in front of my face, which ok RUDE. On what planet had that ever worked to calm someone down. Instead he just continued in a haughty tone.
“Yes because you have already done so much with the gift you were given. Your actually really smart and haven’t done shit with that either” he muttered.
Wait what? Was this guy shaming me? On my death day no less. It’s my fucking death day and this turd didn’t even bring me a cake just made me feel stupid and small instead!
”Hey I’m young and still figuring shit out!”
“You’re 38” he said again dryly “ seems you’ve had plenty of time to get your shit together and as far as I know you’ve done so by-“
He looked at his tablet that appeared in his hands and rolled his eyes. “ Actually You haven’t done much of anything. Good or Bad. You’re lazy and irresponsible, you sleep around a bit and smoke weed more than you can afford, you do stupid and impulsive things without thinking.” He sighed “But while you’re a real piece of work sometimes you aren’t evil and apparently given enough time, again 38 years old but not my call, the powers that be feel that given enough time you would’ve done some good in this world.” I shifted from one foot to another. We’ll Jeez Rhys you really know how to sweet talk a lady! If I’m such a Piece of shit why bother?”.
“Your Mom, Madison. When she had cancer you were her rock and any other time she needed you you showed up. You would die for Kylie and your dog Regan is basically your child. You would sacrifice yourself for that dog in a heartbeat. You volunteer at the local animal shelter and have managed to get every animal adopted. You worked tirelessly for the shelter to become a no kill shelter. You got Reagan on his last day to be euthanized before they became a no kill shelter. They believe you are more than meets the eye Madison and your love for Kylie your Mother and Reagan-wait why did you name him Regan?” Rhys asked interrupting his diatribe.
I shrugged suddenly not feeling as confident about the name as I once did. It seemed a lot more clever when I gave it to him.
“Ummm hmmm grrrmp” I mumbled.
“What?”
“I said I named him Regan because he forgets stuff a lot…..much like our former president.” I muttered louder but definitely not prouder.
“Wow Madison just wow!” He said and to my amazement chuckled a bit and shook his head before continuing.
“Anyways THAT version of Madison the one that really shows up for her loved ones is who the gate keepers saw that you COULD become given enough time. Even though you are 38!!!” he said. Again. I kept thinking I just need more time but 38 years of my bull-shitery was hard to undo.
“What does that even mean? Do you have to keep reminding me I’m closer to 40 than 30? Actually you know what? What does it even matter at this point? I’m dead right? Oh and by the way who the fuck are you exactly? Are you an angel then? Can I call you Clarence?”
”I’m not an Angel. Wait Clarence from it’s a wonderful life? Seriously? And No you can’t call me that”
“Ok Clarence…..”
“no Madison- Jesus your obnoxious-how about I call you George Baily? Or shit for brains? Hows that? You can’t just change someones name.”
“Seems like I just did” I said. I was scared and confused so snark became my creed.
“Not happening GEORGE!”
“Why George? Why not Mary Bailey do I look like a dude?”
“No you look like and idiot on a bridge! Don’t call me Clarence”
“Clarence, Clarence Clarence shhhh shhhh shhh” I cooed fucking with him further “it’s ok it’s ok it’s already done!”
“Rhys, my name is Rhys!” He said through gritted teeth all the while giving me a look that shut me up right and quick. Which is NOT something I always know when to do. Like reading the room? Not my thing! Now sticking my foot in my mouth? That’s my jam!
He sighed obviously annoyed. “ Madison you didn’t live a bad life but you didn’t live a great one either and technically you weren’t supposed to die today. But your guardian was um late and-“
” wait I’m dead cuz of someone else’s fuck up? Was it you? Are you my guardian? How did I even die? I don’t remember! What the fuck kind of guardian Angel are you?” I was getting worked up again and the more worked up I get the more snarky I get.
“Still not an Angel I’m a bridge keeper, which is not a guardian. That takes centuries and I would never fuck up the way your Angel did”
Story of my life I muttered. Centuries? Nothing weird there. Just a normal day hanging out with some other worldly being. Who was a haughty asshole.
My mouth opened and closed like a fish out of water, which at this point I totally was. I swallowed another lump forming in my throat as I plunged forwards while trying not to completely lose my shit.
”How long have I been dead? Is my Mom ok? Did they have a funeral for me? I hope they played a lot of Taylor Swift” Yea don’t lie you know you love Taylor Swift! “Oh no I’ll never be part of her squad now!” I dry sobbed. Clarence stared at me like the moron I was, before asking what I DID remember?
“I don’t remember ANYTHING that’s the problem! It’s like hitting a brick wall. What the fuck Clarence?” I rambled near hysterics. “I’m too cute to be dead! My dimples are soooo deep, and I have so many adorable freckles”
I blubbered garnering another eye roll.
“Wow you’re not vein or anything “ he said dishing out a little snark of his own. I waited for him to say something enlightening but Clarence just stared at me again. He studied me silently watching as I kept trying to cram a square peg into that round hole when something clicked. “Clarence I’m not dead yet am I?” I grabbed him and looked him square in the eyes, which wasn’t hard because he was really short.
“What do you think Madison?” He was infuriating. I grabbed him by the shoulder and looked him squarely in the face “tell me or I will punch you in your fucking face” I wouldn’t have I don’t like violence, but he doesn’t know that. “Ok ok you’re in a coma but alive. You um….ok so you and your best friend-“
”Kylie!” I grinned. I was the Ethel to her Lucy, she was the Cheech to my Chong, and the-
”Madison” he said snapping his finger in front of my face. RUDE!
“Ok well do you wanna hear how you nearly bit the dust or are you going to keep staring off into space?”
I mean it really wasn’t a question.
“I haven’t decided yet” I mumbled like a petulant child. I might’ve stomped my foot a tad but we don’t need to talk about that.
He rolled his eyes again. One of these days they were gonna get stuck like that!
“You were in Home Depot” he began “and you, ahem it’s rather embarrassing.” he said in a way that made me not want to know anymore all while knowing 100% he was going to enjoy telling me.
He seemed to weigh his words carefully before diving right into the humiliating and really stupid act that landed me living it up in a coma.
”You guys decided to climb onto one the displays with those fancy Japanese toilets? You know the ones?”
“Oh yea yea the ones that practically read you Harry Potter before bed and tell you your pretty when you feel fat!”
”Yea they don’t do that” He said dryly.
If I could I’d Google it just to prove a point!
I really was pretty sure where this tale was going but I was still hoping it wasn’t gonna end with me almost being murdered by a crapper. But as he continued all hope was lost because if you guessed right, then you know I was almost murdered by a crapper! You know a tale as old as time!
“Anyways you two geniuses climbed up and sat on them and were asking people going by for Toilet Paper or a magazine while you filmed it because you wanted to become tik tok famous or some shit. I don’t know! It’s all ridiculous Madison!” Ok fair. He looked up from the tablet shaking his head “Jesus Madison really? Again 38!!! Anyways you fell off the display and the toilet followed and part of it hit you on the head. Kylie’s fine but you’re lucky to be alive. Also other people were recording it and so in a round about way you got your wish ‘cuz that shit was all over social media!”
Oh My God. For once I didn’t have words. You know what kill me. Just kill me. I was basically almost murdered by own stupidiity and a toilet. Fuck me!l and that shit was all over social media. Omg I was gonna be know as crapper girl I just KNOW it!
”They’ve been trying to get your mom to pull the plug and donate your organs but she’s not budging. They say there’s very little brain activity but after reading this I have to wonder how much was there to begin with” oh haha!
At the mention of my sweet mother I burst into well not tears because I couldn’t cry actual tesrs. If I died my Mom would fall apart. She was literally the only one besides Kylie who ever believed in me and saw past the 38 year old loser that let’s face it, I was. I cried again which is so weird when there’s no tears or ugly snot to cry. “There, there” Clarence said woodenly. He was really really awful at comforting people which just made me bawl harder. I was ugly crying so loud I almost didn’t hear Clarence say “There may be another option ok? So like you know calm down please”
Clarence you son of a gun you always know just the right things to say to a lady.
I took a few deep breaths even though I didn’t need to breathe but the act itself helped to calm me and it did…. a little….I mean not as much as some weed would but my guess was Mr. Judgy over there wasn’t cool. He was rolling his eyes at me. Again. “What?”
”Weed? Right now really Madison? “
“Hey it’s legal here AND in Canada over there so…..wait did u read my mind? That’s not ok!”
“No I read your face”
he said but I think he’s full of shit because it was way too specific. I mean it’s not like there were pot leaves dancing in my eyes. Right? But then again today’s been a fucked up day so I wouldn’t rule anything out either! Regardless though, highway to heaven over there wasn’t spilling the tea on his X-Menish abilities! He wasn’t an Angel? Well he damned well was SOMETHING. I wondered if Clarence had any weed on him but highly doubted it. He wasn’t cool like that. Good God how I wished he was. A shot would be awesome too. I wasn’t a drinker but today had been REALLY messed up! But Clarence didn’t strike me as the type to have a flask or a blunt handy. Even if I did have either one or both of those things on hand myself captain judgy over there probably wouldn’t be cool with it anyways. My ADD brain rambled and was wandering again, struggling to focus because oh my God wouldn’t you? When Clarence cleared his throat which I had come to learn in the incredibly short amount of time I had known him meant “listen up” so for once I shut my mouth and did just that.
”As I was saying there may be shall we say….another option?” He snapped his fingers and a bench appeared. A bench in the middle of the Ambassador bridge to Canada. Ok maybe he was a little cool. We sat down on the bench. The bench that poofed in out of thin air cuz Clarence the grumpy Angel willed it. I expected a hard seat to meet my soft too much taco bell bum but instead it felt like it was made out of pieces of Heaven itself. “Can you focus Madison? I mean really focus?! This is important and you’re zoning out. Pay attention he said clapping his hands in my face in a very obnoxious yet effective way.”Your choices are these become a bridge keeper like me or pass away and I’ll cross you over the bridge to your next destination.” Simple and too the point that was our boy Clarence!
“As for how cool I am, there’s a time and a place for everything and I am very cool girl. Cooler than you’ll ever know.”
“Cool people don’t brag about being cool. Like how guys with small dicks are always the ones that brag the most about how big their noodles are, then he lets the trouser snake out it’s just a sad little worm!” I snarked back.
“Did you just refer to my dick as a noodle AND a trouser snake and a worm in the same sentence?”
I didn’t answer that particular question because it seemed to be hypothetical. However I did manage to dazzle him yet again with my intelligence when I asked my next question “The afterlife is in Canada?” I said stupidly.
He stared at me, clearly overwhelmed by my logic and brilliance.
“Do you ever think before you speak girl!?” Clarence said exasperation evident. Maybe he wasn’t so dazzled!
“No it’s not Canada! Most of the time its just a bridge. But when it needs to be more it is. Most large bridges are also bridges to the shall we say great beyond. That’s where we come in” I noticed he was already using we and including me in his death bridge shenanigans!
“Are you paying attention? I don’t have all day you know?!”
“Jesus Christ Clarence, yes go on please your highness.”
“It’s Rhys” He practically growled before continuing. “When someone dies the bridge keepers cross them over. They usually cross over and it’s onto the next grand adventure or whatever no prob, but some don’t. Their lives are too unfinished they don’t know they died, or their destination is not yet written in the book of life. Those are harder to cross. It’s a hard job but it’s essential. We become the bridge keepers and help the souls crossover. At least most of them”
I raised my hand like I was in class which this time garnered me yet a other eye roll. “So we’re reapers?”
“No we’re bridge keepers” still using “we” like we were a team or some bullshit. Although I was rarely picked for teams in school maybe this was an improvement? I dont know man like I said fucked up day.
“Bridge keeper Reapers! I’m a poet and didn’t know it!” I cheesed and Clarence sighed
“Yea fine whatever!”
“Hey you said most?” I said and he responded with “huh”
“a second ago you said you help at least MOST souls crossover, so what happens to the ones that don’t or won’t cross over??”
He was quiet for a minute,a far away look in his eyes for a minute before answering It’s not pretty that why it’s important for souls to crossover. You’ll see in…Riiiight about now! Suddenly the cutest little old lady just this side of Betty White was standing before us. “This is an easy one George” he whispered. Haha Clarence now you’re getting how this buddy cop shit goes!
”Oh no it seems that I’ve found myself dead!!” she exclaimed. “Are you two my Angels?” I barked a laugh and Clarence being the wild child he was just stared.
“I’m not and Clarence says he’s not an Angel but secretly I think he’s full of shit!” I said garnering a sigh AND an eye roll. Bully for me!
“What my associate was trying to say was that yes you have found yourself dead as you put it.” Clarence interjected.
Associate?. He was really pushing this shit.
“I’m sorry” I said to her, not 100 percent sure of what I was actually apologizing for, but dead was shitty so….to my utter shock she patted me on the back gently. This woman was a mom a Nana, maybe even a great grandma. I knew it in everything about her as she reminded me so much of own Mom. There’s just a certain way they have about them you know?
“Now no need to get all sad and mopey dear. What’s you’re name? Mine is Catherine” She smelled like Jenate perfume.
”George Baily” Clarence answered. Touche Clarence touche!
“He’s a liar it’s Madison” I said swallowing a laugh. That’s Rhys but everyone calls him Clarence”
“Oh like the Angel?” She chirped and Clarence rubbed the bridge of his nose. “So what now?” She said and her eyes crinkled. I looked to Clarence and for once he didn’t look annoyed. I wasn’t sure what to do to be honest.
“Are you ready Catherine?” He said gently. She looked around expectantly as if waiting for someone. “Almost” she said quietly and a smile soft and gentle appeared on her weathered face as her eyes fell on a figure in the distance. When she turned back to us she was young almost painfully so. No more than 19 or 20. Her white hair fell in soft waves to her shoulder before it changed to a deep Auburn so red it put fall leaves to shame. She was dressed in a USO uniform and a wide red smile stretched across her beaming face. “My sweetheart is here to pick me up!” She exclaimed her voice rich with the warmth of young love. They walked to each other, lovers reunited once again. With every step the withered old man took towards her the years fell away into a very young soldier. There was music from the 1940s playing. She turned to me, putting her arm around my shoulders. “Now you are going to be alright Madison. No tears” I was dry crying now but who’s counting. “I lived a good long life. I was 95 surround by everyone I loved.” I was ugly crying again. But she gently kissed my forehead. “You are rough around the edges I can see that about you but you have such a gentle heart. Look at you crying over an old lady you barely know. Death it just part of life Madison. Im thankful you brought me and my Reginald together again. Now you’re going to be alright. Don’t let sour puss over there influence you. You bring your heart to everyone you cross and you’ll be just fine”
”I can hear you” Clarence said.
”I know that was the point sour puss” I said giving Catherine a squeeze. “You’re date’s waiting girl, go get your man!” I said and she chuckled and gave me one final squeeze before turning to Reginald. As they walked to each other a soft glow surrounded them. Healthy and safe in each other’s arms again. They started dancing a soft tune played as the lovers swayed and for once I had no words, no snark just awe as they slowly fade onto their next adventure together, wherever that may be.
“I’ll do it” I sloppy sobbed. I” thought so” said Clarence.
” How does this work-?” He snapped his fingers I and suddenly I shot up in a hospital bed gasping. My Mother and Kylie who was asleep of two of those awful chairs shot up and started screaming for the Dr. “Omg omg you’re awake! You stupid stupid girl she sobbed”
My mom was hugging me into near suffocation. And Kylie was apologizing and saying how stupid we were. Which is fair I mean I got beat the fuck up by a toilet! But I was awake I was still here and somehow I knew that the bridge wasn’t a dream.
After much fuss and tears from my mom and my best friend, I was released two weeks later. My injuries were healing and at that point I wasn’t even sure if maybe I had actually Wfever dreamed the whole damned thing. It seemed so far away.I had to move in with my Mom since I lost my apartment and job. But it was ok I’d been working on myself the last month seeing a therapist and just trying to get my shit together. Then today everything changed when the doorbell rang. I hobbled to it in my walking cast from the kitchen sink I was currently eating over. Because I was lazy and didn’t feel like washing a dish. Anyways so I was eating my Sammy over the sink while law and order blared in the background (it’s literally always in some channel) and who should be standing on my doorstep like a little bundle of sunshine but Clarence!!!!
“Ready?”
“Can we get Starbucks on the way? I asked.
“I prefer Dunkin but sure why not” So it definitely wasn’t a coma dream.
We stopped at Starbucks and he didn’t even complain when I told them his name was Clarence so they wrote that on his little cup! Maybe this wouldn’t be so bad after all. As we appeared on the bridge I realized for the first time in my life what I was doing mattered.
“Seriously Madison this isn’t gonna work if you keep zoning off!” But just like any job my boss is a dick sometimes. My name is Madison O’dey and with a sip of my coffee I waited to start my first shift as a bridge keeper.