When you brain starts to shut down, when the only thing keeping you going is the promise of a hot meal, when you don’t notice that you’ve stoped shivering, that is the cold. When the memory of that lack of heat sends you into a shivering fit that not even the body heat of your partner next to you can stop, that is the cold reminding you it’s still there. Even as I type this I shiver from the memory alone, I should be dead, If the jeep wasn’t there, If there wasn’t an emergency space blanket, I wouldn’t be here. Hypothermia is horrifying, even two years after dealing with it I still suffer psychological effects akin to PTSD that cause me to violently shiver no matter the ambient temperature. The shaking itself starts in my spine, it crescendos then fades away only to start again in my core. From my core it radiates out in pulses which can be violent enough that an outside observer can take notice.
Some necessary detail, the hike/trip in question was part of camp counselor training at a summer camp I had gone to since I was 12, the camp in question is located in Colorado and is pretty damn old. The trip itself consisted of two parts, the first leg of the journey was 3 miles with about 1000 feet of elevation gain ending at a log cabin built back in the 40’s. The second leg of the trip was a loop with the goal of summating a 12,352 ft peak, from there we would have circled back to the cabin, stayed the night, then made our way back to the camp proper. All in all not a very grueling trek normally, hell I had done it a few times before even, this time was a bit different though. The first leg of the trip was a-ok, I had some proboms with my frame pack since I was too damn skinny but we made it work. The second leg was the real problem, we spent the night in that log cabin and then woke up inside of a cloud. When I exited the cabin that morning I couldn’t even see a full 5 feet in front of me most the time, It was full on monsoon season (July) in that region of the rockies and due to the elevation we spent most of our time within some ridiculously thick and wet fog, which dropped the temp to around 45 degrees Fahrenheit. Now this wouldn’t have been a problom, except my rain gear was no longer waterproof.
We were over an hour into the hike when I made the lovely discovery that my rain coat was no longer water proof, I was saoked completely through. All of the group was tired, most were pissed off due to the weather, and all of us were hungry. Honestly the only thing motivating us to continue was the promise of a hot meal at the half way point. The husband of the camp director was supposed to meet us where the trail and a dirt road intersected, the problem was there wasn’t really a trail any more. The spring winds had blown over a fair few trees creating a wall of gnarled roots and dirt in multiple spots. It took us 2 hours to navigate around that clusterfuck and at that point nothing I had on was dry, in retrospect that’s when my condition really started to decline. We had stoped quite a few times to reorient and find a route through the mess, that’s around the time the folks I was with said my shivering became sporadic. At that point things had become pretty fogy to me, my soul focus was getting to that road and getting a hot meal. According to those I was with I would only mumble responses and just sorta rock in place. Once we started moving again I got a bit better evidently, my responses were still kinda mumbles but definitely more understandable.
Once we were past the tree falls only a marsh stood between us and that road, I remember doing my best to stay out of the water but kinda giving up part way though since the water felt warm to me. Actually at this point everything kinda started to feel warm, but I didn’t pay it any mind. Looking back on it my brain was already shutting down, I was moving forward only because that was what I was supposed to do in my mind. By the time I made though the marsh there were 3 people at the jeep, I remember seeing one of the lead counselors looking pissed and then being pissed myself. The fucker who was supposed to bring us hot food had brought us plan bagels and these little cinnamon bun looking things that were around the size of a half dollar. By the time everyone had grouped up by the jeep I had begun to sway again, this is where shit truly goes fuzzy for me. I remember leaning on another trainee and asking them to get some one, apparently what actually happened was I fell directly on to them and mumbled something about counselors before kinda going limp. My next memory was of someone’s incoherent voice and my feet dragging, then I remember hoping out the jeep to vomit on the side of the road, I don’t remember getting back it. By the time my brain was staring to work again the jeep was moving and I was covered in a space blanket, I was right up against the heater too and violently shivering. I was confused as shit, I still didn’t really understand what was happening around me, just we were moving. From there I was taken back to camp, given hot food and dry cloths, then I slept. When I woke back up, that’s when things finally started to make sense to my brain.
In retrospect they should have taken me to the hospital, my brain was shutting down and damage was definitely caused. Hell I know for sure that my hypothalamus was damaged, while I don’t like to self diagnose it pretty fucking clear that Ive got some temp regulation problems along side some psychological shit. Hell Ive been shivering the entire time Ive been writing this and I’m wearing fleece lined work pants, a thick flannel, and wool socks inside of a temperature controlled building.
Moral of the story, make sure your gear works and have those emergency supplies prepped and ready.
Note: I made this account to get this off my chest, I have no idea if anyone will find this scary, truthfully I don’t care. Just please be smart, don’t make the same mistakes as me