Just one more
I grab the bottle from out of the medicine cabinet. Opening it, I shake the last few contents of the bottle into my hand. Only two fall out. I stare at them with the fear that this will be the last time that I’ll be able to take them. The last time I’ll be able to let them take over and feel what they want me to feel. Last time to taste them. I throw them into my mouth, scooping water from the sink to wash them down. They shouldn’t take too long to kick in, they never have. But I start to think, what will I do afterward? There’s no more.
I close the mirror and look at myself. I want to see the pills put a smile on my face, I want to see them work their magic. It’s taking too long. Maybe I need more, but they’re all gone. I start looking around. My hands frantically looked for another pill, and there, just there behind the sink on the floor. One that I must’ve dropped. I pick it up with two fingers, feeling the weight of joy in my fingers. I swallow it. It goes down easy with my salivating craving.
But is it really all gone now? There is no more this time. I already scoured the bathroom for them. I’m getting anxious, my hands search my body as a tick. Have they started working yet? I don’t know, I can’t see my smile yet in the mirror. All I see is my frail figure awaiting its joy. All I see are my searching hands unable to find their prey. The dirty clothes that have more wear than they should. My shallow gut, asking for another one, just one more.
I can feel them in there, in my stomach. Only a few inches away from my prying fingers. But there’s no way in, not any easy ones. If I could just grab one of them, I could eat it, then I’d be okay. Just one more, that’s all I need. I push my fingers in.
I don’t know where I found the blade, I don’t remember keeping any in the bathroom. Maybe I didn’t even use one, but there’s a hole in me now. One where it shouldn’t be.
At first, it’s just flowing red, but soon there are other colors. A pink balloon hides the other colors. I pull a tear in it and the colors spew out as they want to see the outside too. In the cocktail of colors, I find the yellow one. A small bead of one, I found one. I swallow it.
Could there be any more in the balloon? I make the whole bigger so I don’t have to search through it. I get the colors on the floor, they start to make other colors that I can see. Black hazes and white sparks come and go as I let more colors out.
Blue, I find a blue one. The blue one can quench the sudden parchedness I feel. A Green one, this one can make me feel full again as I hadn’t eaten today. A yellow one again, this one will make me happy. The blue one can help me keep my eyes open, I didn’t sleep that well last night. The Green one will help me stand up, I can’t feel my legs. The yellow one will make me happy. The blue one will help my blood pressure, my heart is beating too fast. The green one will let me remember, remember something. The yellow one will make me happy.
The blue one will stop my hurting, it will stop the pain in my stomach. The green one will put me to sleep, maybe I should lie down.
There are a lot more colors in the mirror. But I see me, I can see my face, and on my face. I can see a smile.
The yellow ones made me smile.